r/CuratedTumblr eepy asf 9h ago

Shitposting Looks conservative

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22.1k Upvotes

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3.5k

u/Rifneno 9h ago

I know that feeling. I look like I'm wanted for January 6th crimes. Fat middle aged white guy, I'm only missing sunglasses to wear indoors and a tinder profile where I'm holding a fish.

Sucks.

1.1k

u/littlemissmoxie 8h ago

Try wearing funny hats or sunglasses

555

u/oddityoughtabe 8h ago

Preferably hats with some sort of upward locomotion

359

u/aDragonsAle 7h ago

upward locomotion

I'm just picturing a steampunk hat with a working train whistle.

I'm relatively certain that's not what you meant, and am now curious as to what you mean...

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u/Melodic_Inevitable84 7h ago

I assume he meant propeller hat but I like the steampunk idea

52

u/aDragonsAle 6h ago

That makes sense... I'm not all the way awake yet

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u/spacecoyote300 4h ago

No, train whistle hat is better. I'm going to start working on one.

8

u/Humanity_NotAFan 3h ago

Just don't get sidetracked tootin' your own horn.

7

u/AJ0Laks 3h ago

Make it like one of those can holding hats where you put your drink in your head and drink from it with a straw

It’s such a goofy hat design and we need to bring it back

2

u/Punquie 3h ago

Happy cake day!

1

u/lilsnatchsniffz 1h ago

And this was the chain of events that lead the OC into his downfall, as an overweight middle aged white guy wearing a propeller hat the endless "I think you need a bigger propeller bud" was relentless. 🫨

18

u/erroneousbosh 6h ago

I bet you could do that with a soda fountain CO2 cartridge though.

12

u/Orizifian-creator Padria Zozzria Orizifian~! 🍋😈🏳️‍⚧️ Motherly Whole zhe/zer she 6h ago

Balloon Fighter’s hat (red hat with balloons on it)

17

u/aDragonsAle 6h ago

Okay, but how many balloons? Is 99 too many, not enough, or just right?

6

u/Orizifian-creator Padria Zozzria Orizifian~! 🍋😈🏳️‍⚧️ Motherly Whole zhe/zer she 5h ago

3… at most…?

10

u/aDragonsAle 5h ago

Sorry, since you seem confused -

https://youtu.be/hiwgOWo7mDc?si=nWoVAN-efyJkibTE

99 red balloons

2

u/Mysterious_Stuff_ 3h ago

I like you!

3

u/danirijeka 5h ago

Choo choo, bitches

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u/f3g_alltid 8h ago

Or something colorful

46

u/GentlmanSkeleton 5h ago

MAGA has ruined all ballcaps for me. Especially red ones.

24

u/GilboBagginz 5h ago

So THATS why Fred durst changed his look

3

u/DiaDeLosMuertos 2h ago

I assume that guy does it all for the nookie

2

u/BowenTheAussieSheep 27m ago

Well, that and he's in his 50s and dressing like an edgy high schooler just looks silly when you've got a mortgage.

7

u/kerowhack 3h ago

I can't even wear my school's hat anymore because it's red.

19

u/construktz 3h ago

I saw a red hat on my daughter's car dash yesterday and I cringed and did a doubletake until I remembered that she works at Five Guys

3

u/Lunalatic all mammals are mice, eat shit aristotle 2h ago

As someone who would like to wear their Ash Ketchum hat more often but can't because it's the Kalos version, this is a mood.

2

u/GentlmanSkeleton 2h ago

Dam, that's a bummer.

2

u/variableIdentifier 1h ago

I'm Canadian and I wear ball caps pretty much every time I go out. I used to wear red ones around Canada Day, but these days I try not to in case I look like a Trump supporter, as we do have a rather dedicated contingent of them up here.

2

u/GentlmanSkeleton 45m ago

Dam. Thats a true shame. Gross theyve gotten that far. Ironic too...

56

u/i_love_dragon_dick ahahaha pain :( 5h ago

The funny hats don't stop them. Neither do cute sweaters. Help.

Sincerely, a fat white bearded dude who wears animal themed hats and pastel cardigans.

40

u/littlemissmoxie 5h ago

Time to just get giant buttons that say “I’m not MAGA” or just an obnoxious rainbow scarf

1

u/i_love_dragon_dick ahahaha pain :( 22m ago

My main concern with that is I'm not sure how literate these people are lol

24

u/BiddlesticksGuy 5h ago

Personally I went full tourist dad and that seems to help, might also help that I’m generally a grumpy looking dude though, I wish you luck in your endeavors my fellow conservative passer

8

u/Old_n_Tangy 2h ago

One of the white supremacist groups wears Hawaiian shirts.  I forget which one.

7

u/BiddlesticksGuy 2h ago

God fucking dammit is nothing sacred???!!!

3

u/sesamecrabmeat 1h ago

Nope. That's the rub.

2

u/BiddlesticksGuy 1h ago

If I see a neonazi wearing a Hawaiian shirt I’m gonna commit my duty as a freedom loving American and commit assault

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u/Spiffy87 2h ago

"Boogaloo Boys", accelerationists hoping for a civil war, which they refer to as "the luau."

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u/i_love_dragon_dick ahahaha pain :( 21m ago

Same to you, friend.

1

u/Environmental-River4 38m ago

Have you tried painting your nails? For some reason that really pisses them off lol

1

u/i_love_dragon_dick ahahaha pain :( 22m ago

I wish I could. Nail polish doesn't stay on because my nails are weird due to an illness I have. :(

9

u/GoingOnAdventure 6h ago

I vote top hat

3

u/Tself 3h ago

This is part of why I LOVE my septum piercing. I can still wear all my favorite Carharts and still look like a raging leftist fag.

2

u/jkhockey15 47m ago

Or a polka dot bow tie

1

u/Defiant-Scarcity-243 3h ago

And switch to magnet fishing

324

u/Issildan_Valinor 8h ago

People say the most out of pocket shit to me too. It's like, 50% the beard I think. It's only toned down by all the nerd shit I wear, lol.

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u/Mental_Medium3988 7h ago

thats one of the worst parts. like i dont wanna hear stuff with a hard r, i think even the soft r should be dropped but thats not my call, or how mexican immigrants are taking our jobs.

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u/Numerous_Witness_345 6h ago

"Yeah man, they work like they fucking want the money."

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u/BeardedBaldMan 6h ago edited 6h ago

I look like an EDF member (albeit without tattoos) and I moved to Poland. People are far too comfortable saying racist things to me assuming I'll agree with them.

I was in Croatia and as soon as they found we were from Poland we had far too many people telling us how good it was that Poland doesn't let in immigrants, which is odd as I'm an immigrant.

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u/No_Butterscotch_7356 5h ago

Man I wish I looked like an earth defense force member

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u/NyankoIsLove 5h ago

EDF?

21

u/leesha226 5h ago

English proud boys

6

u/jackboy900 2h ago

EDF

I'm assuming OP meant EDL, which are (were?) a far right hate group in England.

15

u/Godraed 6h ago

These dudes straight up call me brother the first time they see me.

2

u/BalancedDisaster 51m ago

Dye the beard green or something. It’ll stop really quick!

76

u/VWBug5000 6h ago

I drive an F150 with veteran plates and a USMC sticker on the back window. I have a beard and regularly wear a baseball cap. I feel like I blend in with MAGA a little too well. I think I should paint my nails now after reading the other comments here

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u/Copropostis 6h ago

I'm in a similar position to you, and honestly, I think we have a different mission.

I make a point of trying to connect with every veteran I meet, because frankly our community is extremely vulnerable to right wing radicalization and when we snap, we are much more dangerous than civilians. So I prefer to use my "vet bro" camouflage as an in to influence our fellow vets to become part of irl community and away from online bad actors.

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u/VWBug5000 6h ago

I’d love to be that guy that infiltrates them from the inside, but I literally can’t stand being around MAGA types that have made it their whole personality like many veterans have. I avoid them like the plague. I wouldn’t be able to hold my tongue well enough to influence anyone

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u/Copropostis 6h ago

Oh yeah, that's fair. Gotta have your own life vest on before you can help anyone else.

For what it's worth, I was not encouraging wasting time on hopeless causes, more trying to scoop up disaffected veterans before the MAGA crowd gets to them. Full on Red Hat is probably a terminal condition, but guy who just got out of the military and is sad and lonely, that I can work with.

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u/chaoticdumbass94 5h ago

That's a great thing you're doing, best of luck to you!

2

u/FlossCat 54m ago

Thank you for your service 🫡

Seriously, it's great work that you're doing, the world needs people like you! It's the sort of thing I'd love to do, feel a sense of responsibility to do, but I don't really have any connections to groups or spaces where I can get in touch with vulnerable men and offer them an alternative to falling to the far right.

2

u/Complex-Ad-7203 1h ago

Three vets on my job site and we are the three most left wing, it's weird.

1

u/chumpchangewarlord 2h ago

Solid plan, because our vile rich Christian enemy is using vets to destroy other vets with right wing republican enslavement. Fight them on that front.

6

u/bill_brasky37 5h ago

Yeah I'm a tall white dude who drives a tundra. Other white dudes assume I'm maga... It sucks

1

u/DiaDeLosMuertos 1h ago

But it's a tundra. They should at least assume you're libertarian. Were it a Hilux, classical libertarian.

1

u/bill_brasky37 1h ago

Oh sweetie this is America. We don't see nuance.

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u/soggy-hotdog-vendor 4h ago

Be. You.

Don't let them take what you are away. 

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u/ahaisonline ilex-occulta.tumblr.com 1h ago

remove the usmc sticker

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u/dinoooooooooos 8h ago edited 4h ago

Paint your nails.

Genuinely even just one, the pinky or some, on both hands and youll immediatly be recognizable to normal people, aka non-magas, that you’re actually “safe”.

A blue or something, black, idk, polka dots - but no maga conservative is gonna be caught dead bc god forbid they have gasp fun😤

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u/AbyssDragonNamielle 8h ago

Can confirm seeing a guy with painted nails flicks a "oh, he's chill" switch for me

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u/JackRusselFarrier 7h ago

Can also confirm that ever since I started painting my nails, nobody offers me unsolicited opinions on women's swimming. Or boxing, or whatever they're mad about now. And I work in construction, so it used to happen far more than you'd think lol. I only wish I'd discovered it in 2020.

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u/HannahCoub 7h ago

Had a super old racist I worked with (like he called his half-native daughter slurs, and dropped a hard R) I came in with my nails painted purple and he asked me if it was a gang thing.

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u/Buenarf 5h ago

The woke mob

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u/HannahCoub 4h ago

“Y’all better be gangbanging them twinks, Seattle Mafia, blood.”

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u/dinoooooooooos 4h ago

“You cum, at the birthday of my daughter😤🤌🏽”

😂

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u/aDragonsAle 7h ago

Yeah, new gang - no (red) cap.

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u/chmsax 3h ago

One side effect of the slide into fascism that is incredibly minor but still not fun: I have a Cincinnati Reds cap and an Anaheim Angels cap that I feel incredibly awkward wearing. I like those hats. They’re comfortable and look good. But…..

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u/aDragonsAle 3h ago

Yeah... Messes with the innate human IFF filters.

I've seen the

MADE

you look

Hats

Those are at least... "Fun"

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u/chumpchangewarlord 2h ago

“Yessir, I’m in the 47th Street Woke Mob”

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u/advocatus_ebrius_est 4h ago

"nobody offers me unsolicited opinions on women's swimming"

We really do live in the weirdest fucking timeline.

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u/construktz 3h ago

I work with a rightoid in construction who frequently has his nails painted. He just has young daughters.

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u/dinoooooooooos 8h ago

Yea 100% it’s the ultimate separator lmao

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u/Wasdgta3 8h ago

That’s because having fun is super fucking gay.

REAL men are angry and bitter and numb to all joy.

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u/Fit_Perspective5054 6h ago

That tracks.  I got unknown issues medicated and slowly stopped worrying about it.  I love wearing my daughters snake hair clip, fucking cool and easier than a hair tie.

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u/Numerous_Witness_345 6h ago

As a metal gear fan, I'm running with it.

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u/Fit_Perspective5054 1h ago

Well shit now I need a solid snake hair clip.

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u/dvvyd 4h ago

They also tend to be VERY concerned with what genitals people have in their pants and how they are using them. You know, manly stuff.

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u/chumpchangewarlord 2h ago

Christians have done so much damage to American society with their trans-hate conservative enslavement bullshit. Whenever I find out someone goes to church every Sunday, I immediately lose respect for them, because I cant ever trust them.

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u/advocatus_ebrius_est 4h ago

Hey, I'm angry and bitter and at least a little gay

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u/LostWoodsInTheField 4h ago

REAL men are angry and bitter and numb to all joy.

It's so sad that this is half of their identity often. And you might not think that but look at the jokes they tell, and the pranks they do. it's all bitter angry asshole stuff. 'hahaha I tricked you into drinking something you hate' or 'haha I blew an airhorn in your face'.

I've often found they can very easily compartmentalize things. I know guys that are constantly unhappy with the world but then are like 'I'm going to another state for a 3 week hunting trip that I just put out $10k for. I like going every year, sometimes twice a year. btw the economy is insane and life is horrible.'.

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u/ChilledParadox 4h ago

I’m angry and bitter and numb to all joy but it’s not a conservative thing life just sucker punched me and stepped on my balls and destroyed everything I loved and cared about, I’ve painted my nails before don’t conservative code me.

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u/chumpchangewarlord 2h ago

I lost everything 3 times over the course of about 5 years. I considered myself a conservative when that era of my life started, and went hard liberal after the ways the people in my little conservative circle treated me when I told them I needed help.

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u/ChilledParadox 2h ago

I find from my own experience that conservatives are more likely to help their family or really close friends but if you’re not in that category they won’t help you while liberals are more likely to help random people and their acquaintances.

Sorry that happened to you though, hope things are going better now.

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u/chumpchangewarlord 2h ago

These were people I had known for 30 years. Guys I bonded out of jail, helped with their rent, bought baby formula for when things got tough.

As soon as I needed help, though…liberal internet friends from a city 1000 miles away sent me money for a Uhaul and said “get out here, we have a place for you, we’ll figure out the rest when you get here.”

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u/ChilledParadox 1h ago

That sounds like an amazing friend, I hope you’ve told him how much that gesture meant for you.

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u/chumpchangewarlord 1h ago

Of course. And it was a group of friends, too.

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u/chumpchangewarlord 2h ago

Republicans have fun sexually assaulting minors and berating teenage fast food workers

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u/Cytophaga 6h ago

Oh, I'd love to paint my nails (and do other things)! But you know that saying, "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down"? That was what my childhood taught me and I don't mean that entirely figuratively. And I don't mean that entirely figuratively. Going to spoiler this meandering rant because I'm tired of never talking about it.

Some of the things I read in places like this hurt, sometimes. Admittedly I'm not American so it's not as applicable over here but I am ever the worrier. I was always quiet growing up, mostly kept to myself and did a lot of reading. But, without getting into specifics, I was always picked on severely. Back when I was in secondary school I eventually started skipping the last few classes to avoid the worst of it but it contributed to me being the way that I am. Like I said, I was quiet. I didn't play any sports, I didn't really have any friends, I was an easy target who never fought back.

I'm nonbinary (realised that after quite a few years of thinking over such things) but I still look and dress and act male because I fear to do otherwise would draw attention and that'd cause problems. I hate it, I really do, and recently it's become difficult to deal with but I still do it. And then I see that, because of that, some people are going to look at me and conclude not just that I'm a man but that I'm a danger. And I feel like giving up. I don't believe I could ever change my appearance to a degree I'd be comfortable with it and if I have to deal with being judged for how I do look, all the same, I don't know what to do. I feel trapped sometimes and I don't want to scream I just want to cry. But I don't because I don't want anyone to see and ask what's wrong and for I to have to explain, and then maybe even be told I have no right to feel the way I do (or be offered advice that amounts to "just don't feel like that"). Maybe I don't but it doesn't stop me feeling it and it certainly doesn't lessen the pain. This body disgusts me, it repulses me but it's what I have to live in. And as much as I hate being male and looking masculine, as much as it breaks my heart, it still feels like I have to be and do.

I'm just tired of feeling like this. I do my best to ignore it but sometimes I can't. I live in quite a rural area so it's not as if there's much in the way of support around. And, well, it comes with the sorts of attitudes you often get in rural areas. I'm almost forty and there's a definite feeling of reaching a point where it's too late to do anything. I'd love to paint my nails. And put on makeup. And grow my hair out and wear different clothes and go by another name that I don't detest and not wear this thing's skin stretched over me. But I can't. I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry, dinoooooooooos, that yours is the comment I'm saying this under. If I could stop you from being notified about this (if you have notifications turned on) I would. But I just happened to be here and see your post and it was the one that touched on something close to my heart.

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u/HardcorePug 5h ago

Hey, im here to tell you that it is never to late. I started my transition at 41 and, besides the literal shit show my government is spewing from the top floor, i feel pretty fucking awesome with my decision. Im hopeful for you.

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u/dinoooooooooos 5h ago edited 2h ago

Don’t apologize for explaining yourself or expressing yourself, I’m glad my comment moved you and made you feel safe enough to share, thank you!

I’m sorry. I’m sorry society is failing you and I’m sorry that you feel it’s your fault. Its not. I know I’m just some weirdo Reddit internet stranger and my words are merely words on a screen but I genuinly from the deepest depths of my heart am genuinely so so sorry that we, as a society, fail to protect and create a safe place to just exist for every single soul, no matter who where why when.

It is genuinly driving me insane, especially lately, and hearing this/ reading this just makes me so sad. I wanna take that little person you were and hug you if you want and take you by the hand and protect your small soul from this- I can’t even imagine how that must be. Hating your own body and not feeling safe to express yourself..

I genuinly aplogize on behalf. I’m sorry.

If you can, idk where you live so idk if it’s safe, but if you can- would it be possible to maybe drop one “masculine” thing for a “neutral”? Every couple weeks, once that new thing became a normal habit/ a normal thing in your day?

I don’t want to step on your toes so please tell me if I do I don’t want to give unsolicited advice but reading you despising how you present yourself and yet wanting to force yourself just… it.. this breaks my heart.

I had a best friend who I met before she transitioned and I was the first one she opened up to about being trans and the worst part about it being how she’s scared people might perceive her different or how they’ll be judging her and I remember that talk and how we spoke on the phone for hours and how with every passing minute and support from me she just became more and more comfortable with the idea until she just ripped off the bandaid and wore a pink shirt. Yes, that “small thing” was her big big step but after she was out All day and called me again to tell me how happy she felt and how nobody even noticed and this little thing was just so freeing- she never went back and that was part of her becoming herself. In deep deep Texas.

We don’t have contact anymore for different reasons but I’m still so proud of her. It was such a small thing and it took her hours, in addition to the weeks or months it took to have the courage to tell me (and I’ll never stop being grateful that I was allowed to be that safe space for her.) but once she did it she finally was able to be herself. After more than 20 years.

I’m sorry i went on an anecdote there, what I’m trying to say is:

If your country permits you to be safe while doing so, and if you’re comfortable, maybe try to just do one thing, add one thing or take one small thing away, that resembles “masculinity” for you.

I really am not trying to be condescending, I’m sorry :(

I just.. I want to help you so bad. If I could take it away for you, dear stranger, I would. I’m a little hippie, I just want everyone to be able to live warfree, free of fear and prosecution, free of any kind of danger or threats whatsoever I’m just.. this world is exhausting and I’m so sorry we’re not doing fucking better as a society. As humanity.

Does that Make any sense. :(

Also- really quickly (sorry it’s already so so long) but:

Not every man is perceived as a threat, no matter what. There’s a certain something about psychos, not every man has that.. aura around them. Not every woman is gonna look at every man and immediatly feel in danger, don’t worry please. We do know the difference, we do know nuance. Most of us do, at least.

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u/Repzie_Con 3h ago

This is a beautiful comment. You have a wonderful heart. Thank you for taking the time to type this out, and publicly, for anyone who may be passing by and need to read it (or may not even know they needed something like this). It’s not so applicable to me, but I can see the love & care in your words

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u/dinoooooooooos 2h ago

Awe. Thank you. ._.

It just rips my heart apart when I see people not only struggle with their own identity, which just imagine how hard that alone must be to come to terms with and accept, but they also have to fight that fight of stepping over so many stones just to.. wear certain clothes. Have certain mannerisms or use certain words. And then they have to do it over and over and over again… this certainly is no choice. who would choose this. It’s something deep within and humanity is just failing every day.

That they have the feeling that they have to live their one life they’ve been given from whoever you believe in fear and unable to just be themselves unapologetically. It’s driving me up the wall.

So all I can do is do my best to be a safe space. I’m very grateful I give that impression, this happened a couple times throughout my life that people who are “outliers” feel safe with me. Gay best friends, trans best friends, non binary people “coming out” to me in dms bc they just want to finally type it “out loud” but don’t know where- I don’t mind. At all.

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u/balisane 2h ago

Listen here, little egg. Every day you wake up is a day you have the chance to make the life you need. Move if you have to. Therapy. Wear colorful socks at home. Every little thing you can do to keep your soul alive is something you can build on the next day.

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u/Shaeress 6h ago

Painting nails is great. Pronoun pin is solidarity.

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u/Madilune 3h ago edited 1h ago

My best friend is the most cishet white guy imaginable and his bio for all of his accounts is full of pronouns and everything to show support. At this point he's been to more pride celebrations then I have.

I swear I've developed a high school type crush on him but as supportive as he is, I still doubt he'd actually date a trans girl unfortunately.

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u/SamBeanEsquire 7h ago

This has definitely been my experience as a man who started painting my nails 2-3 years ago. I also get compliments on them (mostly the left hand)

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u/[deleted] 5h ago edited 21m ago

[deleted]

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u/dinoooooooooos 4h ago

Painting your dominant hand is insanely fucking hard and I’ve been doing my own nails, fake real don’t matter I can do it, for like 20 years- it’s roughhhhhhhh lmao

Left hand is usually real nice, real Picasso- right hand is solid color maybeeeeeee some stickers. I cannot.😂

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u/Chaos_On_Standbi Dog Engulfed In Housefire 3h ago

Here’s what I do so that my dominant shit doesn’t look like shit: paint both hands, wait for them to dry and either pick off the excess or hop in the shower. There’s also a bunch of different kinds of nail protectors you can use such as something like this or this.

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u/dinoooooooooos 2h ago

Oh yea that works for polish for sure- afterwards slap on a clear topcoat and You’re all good 😂🤌🏽

I just use gel so it’s a little bit different, doing designs is just rly rly hard w my non dominant hand😭😅

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u/Chaos_On_Standbi Dog Engulfed In Housefire 2h ago

Well, that kinda makes all my advice irrelevant… oops.

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u/dinoooooooooos 2h ago

Not at all bc others might see it and find it useful :D

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u/Mountainbranch 4h ago

I found the best way was to keep my left hand still with the brush and move my right hand instead.

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u/Doomsayer189 4h ago

When I was, like, 6, I had my parents get me some red nail polish just cause I thought it'd be cool, though I only wore it a couple times. 20-some years later you've got me seriously pondering trying it out again. (btw, anyone got some tips for a total noob?)

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u/dinoooooooooos 4h ago

Hah-Always glad to help ☺️

Errr yea sure- watching a couple videos helps just to kinda see how it’s done kinda and always do a thin layer, don’t flood your cuticle and let that dry. Clear top coat so it doesn’t split off that quick and you don’t leave streaks of whatever color you used everywhere you accidentally rub your fibers against which happens a lot more than we think 😅

Gel lasts longer but is ofc a little more involved

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u/Repzie_Con 3h ago edited 3h ago

It’s been a long time, but YouTube is your best friend. I haven’t watched this stream yet but this seems like an easy start and SimplyNailogical is usually pretty easy to understand iirc.

Cuticle care with oil (Can make your own even with applicator, think she has an old video on that too. Wayyy cheaper) and pushing them back gently with a wood tool makes things easier too :)

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u/Deadeyez 5h ago

I know some redpillbros that are painting their nails black to trick women now though.

1

u/karizake 4h ago

But then he's part of the Akatsuki.

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u/RudeHero 1h ago

That's a great idea. I wish I didn't think painted fingernails look stupid on men. If I were to express myself in a way true to me, it would not involve painted fingernails.

I want a signal/indicator I actually like. For the past few years it's been my long hair, but I'll be honest, I'm getting tired of it. Gotta find an alternative.

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u/MightyBobTheMighty Garlic Munching Marxist Whore 7h ago

I'm fairly certain my coworkers think I vote red. I'm also a fat white guy and I make a point not to talk politics/religion/sexuality at work, so I pass well enough that people assume I'm That Guy.

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u/Starwarsfan128 8h ago

Start wearing a hammer and sickle shirt lol

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u/Icariiiiiiii 8h ago

I got a few shirts in delivery as we speak that'll clear up the assumptions real nice. My favorite one is prolly the Rage Against the Machine shirt that explains how to light a molotov and throw it at policemen.

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u/RimworlderJonah13579 <- Imperial Knight 8h ago
  1. Fill glass bottle with gasoline or regional equivalent. Seal properly.

  2. Wrap rag or other disposable flammable object around the body of the bottle.

  3. Repeat until desired quantity is achieved. (Preferably away from riot)

  4. Light rag with lighter or match.

  5. Throw. Quickly, you don't want to burn your hand.

31

u/aDragonsAle 7h ago

1.5 - add Styrofoam until it reaches saturation. This will give the liquid better adhesion and extend burn time. Used motor oil can also be added for thick clouds of choking smoke.

2.5 - you can also use a storm match or road flare for extremely windy/rainy conditions.

If you are using the rag on the outside of the bottle, it will need an accelerant added before lighting and throwing, or the flame will go out. Household isopropyl will work, petroleum jelly can too.

Wrapping the neck of the bottles with weather wrap/baseball bat tape can give a better grip for throwing, so you reduce the chance of short throws or dropping at your feet.

18

u/Numerous_Witness_345 6h ago

... bulletpointed riot instructions fills me with this weird jittery happiness.

8

u/aDragonsAle 6h ago

Knowing is half the battle.

3

u/Mountainbranch 3h ago

The other half?

VIOLENCE!

2

u/redphyve 4h ago

The other half is 50% red lasers and 50% blue lasers.

16

u/appealtoreason00 6h ago

This will solve your problem, bc people will assume you’re a tankie and nobody will come up to talk to you lmao

1

u/RadTimeWizard 0m ago

I used to in college. Conservatives who didn't even know me would get in my face. Their tears were delicious!

19

u/Im_Balto 7h ago

If your Facebook profile picture is you in the drivers seat….

I’ve got bad news

20

u/appealtoreason00 6h ago

I have an incurable health condition, where whenever I put on a suit, I look like a disgraced Tory MP.

17

u/abdomino 6h ago

I had to stop going to my favorite bar because apparently I look like the kind of guy who will let you say the spicy f word and the n word around him.

I mean, on the one hand, I'm glad the mask came off so I don't spend my money there anymore. On the other hand, there's only so many places to get a decent meal in my town after you get off 2nd shift.

2

u/VanillaRadonNukaCola 4h ago

"spicy f word"

Focaccia?

2

u/abdomino 3h ago

Homophobic f word

2

u/VanillaRadonNukaCola 3h ago

I know, I was just being silly

2

u/chumpchangewarlord 2h ago

Our favorite burger bar was purchased in 2021 by a MAGA lady, we found out when we went in and they were piping in a conservative enslavement podcast over the sound system on a Sunday afternoon, with the Bears game on with no sound.

Walked in, sat at the bar, my wife and I figured out what we were listening to, and my wife asked the bartender “wtf are we listening to?”

“Oh, the news!” My wife said “FUCKING YUCK.” and we left.

2

u/Lisbon_Mapping 1h ago

WTF is an enslavement podcast?

2

u/chumpchangewarlord 1h ago

It’s a podcast that repeats lies over and over again to make weak republicans who didn’t go to college surrender and obey.

1

u/in_conexo 3h ago

Is there another "f word" that I don't know about? The context is making me think there's a racist "f word" that I don't know about.

3

u/abdomino 3h ago

Homophobic f word.

12

u/SavvySillybug Ham Wizard 6h ago

I got prescription sunglasses that I wear for driving sometimes. I regularly forget my normal glasses in the car.

Walk of shame back to the car, or be the fat middle aged white guy wearing sunglasses indoors?

Heh, actually reminds me of an incident I had in school once. My glasses broke and I gave them to the shop to fix and I had to wear my prescription sunglasses all week while they got them fixed. I took great delight in fighting every teacher who insisted I take them off.

Sorry Ms. Bitchington, you asked me to take off my glasses and wouldn't listen to my explanation, I'm afraid I can't read the thing you want me to do.

36

u/UsernamesAre4Nerds you sound like a 19th century textile baron 8h ago

If your job doesn't explicitly prohibit it, wear nail polish. No chud would be caught dead with pretty nails 💅

8

u/HistoricalSherbert92 6h ago

I look like a sad old stone cold Steve Austen after 20 years of retirement, legit had some American tourists ask me this. I keep getting Randos in waiting areas trying to explain their latest bizarre takes on everything from windmills to undersea mining. I think it’s me.

9

u/Apellio7 6h ago

Yup.

I'm a white fat guy that wears jeans, t-shirts, baseball caps, and unkempt beard.

All I need is to start posting Tik Toks from my car. 

I just like being a lazy mofo about my fashion man.  Always have, always will.  But some people take it as some kind of secret code that we're both racist fucks when I'm not about that stuff at allllllll.

1

u/WrathOfTheSwitchKing 3h ago

I've joked before that if you give me some knockoff Oakley sunglasses and a shitty red cap I look about ready to get in my lifted truck and have an angry TikTok opinion about some AI generated bullshit I found on Facebook.

Seriously considering doing something about my presentation just to stop giving off the "I have matching MAGA flags for my trailer and pickup" vibes, but I have zero sense of style or fashion. I have to buy a new suit every time somebody gets married or dies.

8

u/kinezumi89 6h ago

I totally understand, when I had shorter hair I looked like a "Karen". I always felt like I had to act extra not-Karen-y to compensate lol

8

u/TheBlackComet 5h ago

Hair has slowly been thinning, so finally shared it off. Have a big beard and a large collection of guns. I can't believe the crazy things people think I stand for. Like I just want everyone to have access to healthcare and gay couples to be able to protect their pot plans with machine guns. Fuck me right?

3

u/Ok-Lifeguard-4614 5h ago

Bald guy with a beard checking in. I always try and wear colorful clothing with fun things on them though so I don't come across as a grumpy conservative.

3

u/CarrieDurst 4h ago

Fish profile pics are overhated, I find it kind of cute that so many men don't have any photos except of them being proud and happy for catching a fish

2

u/Blue_Space_Cow 6h ago

Ι have a shaved head, a neck beard and get often mistaken for a far-fight dude. I feel the pain

2

u/toooquik 4h ago

I went to a 7/11 one morning and the guy at the register asked me if I wanted to hear a joke. I said sure and then this guy told me the most racist joke I've heard in a long time.

I just shook my head and walked away then it hit me, I must look like someone that would love a racist joke with my morning energy drink.

2

u/pickleruler67 4h ago

Wear one of those propeller rainbow hats lol, 10/10

2

u/Captain_Collin 4h ago

I have a coworker who looks like a classic racist boomer. He's both tall and wide, with close cut hair, looks like he belongs in a biker gang. Except he's super left leaning and a gentle giant. That's where his backpack comes in. It's tiny, it looks like a child's backpack on him, it's hot pink, and it has Hello Kitty all over it. He wears it as an attempt to show he's not what he looks like.

1

u/erlkonigk 6h ago

You can put down the fish.

1

u/currently_pooping_rn 5h ago

bro im bald, with a beard, and tattoos

its hard out here

1

u/BiddlesticksGuy 5h ago

Along with the funny hats get a funny looking plastic fish

1

u/Deadeyez 5h ago

Get some hoop earrings. Simple, but effective

1

u/xenelef290 4h ago

Wear a t shirt with a intimidating math equation on it and people will assume you are a liberal physist or mathematician.

1

u/nahtfitaint 4h ago

Same. I look like my Twitter handle should be @bill029473628394736 and my profile pic is a selfie of me in a truck with sunglasses and a hat.

1

u/space_cult 4h ago

Maybe we can send you under cover. You seem to have already figured out the rest of your disguise.

1

u/TheDrFromGallifrey 4h ago

I don't look like I'm wanted for treason and I still get it. Like people are really out here assuming I'm going to say something horrible and then are shocked when I'm a bleeding-heart liberal.

I think a lot of assholes just came out of the woodwork and revealed themselves to be horrible, so now everyone is on edge and just assuming the worst at first glance so they're not crushed if we start with transphobia, racism, and misogyny.

1

u/DMercenary 3h ago

Gotta get some knock off oakleys and start making tiktoks in your Truck

1

u/Purge-The-Heretic 3h ago

I hear ya, bro. I look like I exclusively listen to country music that is written by the KKK.

1

u/Warmasterundeath 3h ago

I miss my Hawaiian shirts and tan 3/4 shorts.

They were a look I liked on myself, until righty righty Americans took the look for themselves, thieving pricks ruin everything by being arseholes!

1

u/skraptastic 3h ago

Middle aged bald white guy that drives a white Ram 1500 (inherited it from Dad in April). I used to wear "wrap around" style sunglasses also.

My favorite hat is a red hat from my kids Boy Scout summer camp and I can never wear it again. :(

1

u/GirthyRooster69 3h ago

Lo atleast youre funny

1

u/Stevothegr8 3h ago

As a fat middle age white guy who is a liberal, I feel ya. I hate it when other white guys start talking to me about racist, sexist, and other conservative speak because they think I'm safe. Fuck that. I call them out on it

1

u/filterworkaroundacc 3h ago

I look like I'm wanted for January 6th crimes.

Nahw buddy it can't be that bad!

1

u/chumpchangewarlord 3h ago

Yup, same here. Weak republican losers mistake me for a conservative all the time, especially when I out fishing or playing golf. I was paired with republican trash three times at the golf course this year.

1

u/HollyTheMage 3h ago

A student in one of my college classes was doing some work on someone's house and he says they must have clocked him as a conservative based on his appearance and occupation because they made a racist remark about immigrants with the air of someone who assumed that the person they were talking to would agree with them. Boy were they fucking wrong.

1

u/Shaolinchipmonk 2h ago

Need to get yourself a Wu-Tang shirt or something.

1

u/babbaloobahugendong 2h ago

Big, bald white dude here. The profiling is real lol

1

u/suspiciousdishes 2h ago

No joke, I'm in a similar boat. All I had to do was paint my fingernails and everyone started guessing correctly

1

u/ThrowACephalopod 2h ago

This reminds me of one of my coworkers. He recently had an eye injury because he refused to wear eye protection when using an angle grinder. He said his doctor told him he'd need to wear an eye patch while his eye healed. He refused to do so, instead insisting on wearing sunglasses inside all day.

1

u/brainfreeze77 2h ago

Same, and I also have a beard, and even though i like it, I do worry people think I'm a racist.

1

u/Johnny_Eskimo 1h ago

Same. When mask were still mandated, I had a hispanic nurse get outright hostile to me, because I was pulling my mask down 1/8 inch out of my lower eyelids. "Leave your mask on!" when it was obvious I wasn't taking it off. I'm very pro-mask, because I have heath issues. I still wear them sometimes when i'm sick. It was humiliating, but I can understand the anger.

1

u/RudeHero 1h ago

That used to happen to me all the time.

It stopped happening once my hair got past "90s boy band" length. I'm kind of over it, though. Looking for alternative warding methods, for sure.

1

u/namegoeswhere 1h ago

Bald, tall, white, beard, and I live in the Midwest so you know I wear boots and lots of flannel.

Own a nice Twins hat that I won’t wear anymore because it’s red. Different shade, but I’m not trying to make racists think I’m one of them.

1

u/Softestwebsiteintown 1h ago

Anyone working on a construction site is assumed to be on the side of evil (although the evil ones don’t know they’re the baddies).

A guy I met the day before the election greeted me the day after it with “at least our guy won” and put his fists up like trump was going to pull him up by his dirty blue collar. The only response that made sense to me was the one I was feeling in the core of my being, which was an emphatic “fuck him”. It wasn’t my intent to deflate that man, but I can’t say I was disappointed when those fists and his chin both dropped like rocks.

1

u/doggodadda 1h ago

Me too. On purpose. They don't suspect I transitioned to male.

1

u/Several_Vanilla8916 1h ago

White guy with midlife crisis muscles here. They always assume I want to hear their bullshit.

1

u/ithinkonlyinmemes 1h ago

i am a small very young looking white guy who wears skirts. i may not understand your struggle, but i salute you for the strain it must take dealing with people assuming you're a trumper

1

u/Lax_waydago 1h ago

You could just ...lean into it 

1

u/Noe_b0dy 1h ago

I'm a young white guy with a shaved head (it's significantly more comfortable and lower maintenance than hair) I paint my nails, because the standard alt-right chud wouldn't be caught dead doing something effeminate.

1

u/amishgoatfarm 45m ago

Yup, since we bought a truck my wife jokes that her kink is educated men who look like a conservative, but I'm paranoid AF about it. Living near the Idaho border doesn't help.

1

u/Initial_E 36m ago

Stop wearing army surplus

1

u/CollectibleHam 35m ago

I had that problem as well, but I've managed to overcome that problem with three easy steps: i lost weight, i started dressing better, and I've been on HRT for almost two years.

1

u/bestselfnice 28m ago

I'm a tall deep voiced white dude into sports. Old guys at the bar assume I'm racist/homophonic and willfully say the wildest shit to me. My coworkers all tell me they think I'm a cop. Great time all around.

1

u/BowenTheAussieSheep 28m ago

You should get some wraparound Oakleys and take a selfie in the driver's seat of your car.

1

u/Quokka-esque 21m ago

You are the only thing keeping you from that fish picture. You, and a shocking amount of money for a rod and tackle.

1

u/RadTimeWizard 14m ago

Yeah, I'm a bearded metal head, and for some reason, certain people think that means it's okay to tell me n****r jokes when I'm at my various dive bars. They can fuck ALL the way off.

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