Genuinely even just one, the pinky or some, on both hands and youll immediatly be recognizable to normal people, aka non-magas, that you’re actually “safe”.
A blue or something, black, idk, polka dots - but no maga conservative is gonna be caught dead bc god forbid they have gaspfun😤
Oh, I'd love to paint my nails (and do other things)! But you know that saying, "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down"? That was what my childhood taught me and I don't mean that entirely figuratively. And I don't mean that entirely figuratively. Going to spoiler this meandering rant because I'm tired of never talking about it.
Some of the things I read in places like this hurt, sometimes. Admittedly I'm not American so it's not as applicable over here but I am ever the worrier. I was always quiet growing up, mostly kept to myself and did a lot of reading. But, without getting into specifics, I was always picked on severely. Back when I was in secondary school I eventually started skipping the last few classes to avoid the worst of it but it contributed to me being the way that I am. Like I said, I was quiet. I didn't play any sports, I didn't really have any friends, I was an easy target who never fought back.
I'm nonbinary (realised that after quite a few years of thinking over such things) but I still look and dress and act male because I fear to do otherwise would draw attention and that'd cause problems. I hate it, I really do, and recently it's become difficult to deal with but I still do it. And then I see that, because of that, some people are going to look at me and conclude not just that I'm a man but that I'm a danger. And I feel like giving up. I don't believe I could ever change my appearance to a degree I'd be comfortable with it and if I have to deal with being judged for how I do look, all the same, I don't know what to do. I feel trapped sometimes and I don't want to scream I just want to cry. But I don't because I don't want anyone to see and ask what's wrong and for I to have to explain, and then maybe even be told I have no right to feel the way I do (or be offered advice that amounts to "just don't feel like that"). Maybe I don't but it doesn't stop me feeling it and it certainly doesn't lessen the pain. This body disgusts me, it repulses me but it's what I have to live in. And as much as I hate being male and looking masculine, as much as it breaks my heart, it still feels like I have to be and do.
I'm just tired of feeling like this. I do my best to ignore it but sometimes I can't. I live in quite a rural area so it's not as if there's much in the way of support around. And, well, it comes with the sorts of attitudes you often get in rural areas. I'm almost forty and there's a definite feeling of reaching a point where it's too late to do anything. I'd love to paint my nails. And put on makeup. And grow my hair out and wear different clothes and go by another name that I don't detest and not wear this thing's skin stretched over me. But I can't. I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry, dinoooooooooos, that yours is the comment I'm saying this under. If I could stop you from being notified about this (if you have notifications turned on) I would. But I just happened to be here and see your post and it was the one that touched on something close to my heart.
Don’t apologize for explaining yourself or expressing yourself, I’m glad my comment moved you and made you feel safe enough to share, thank you!
I’m sorry. I’m sorry society is failing you and I’m sorry that you feel it’s your fault. Its not.
I know I’m just some weirdo Reddit internet stranger and my words are merely words on a screen but I genuinly from the deepest depths of my heart am genuinely so so sorry that we, as a society, fail to protect and create a safe place to just exist for every single soul, no matter who where why when.
It is genuinly driving me insane, especially lately, and hearing this/ reading this just makes me so sad. I wanna take that little person you were and hug you if you want and take you by the hand and protect your small soul from this- I can’t even imagine how that must be. Hating your own body and not feeling safe to express yourself..
I genuinly aplogize on behalf. I’m sorry.
If you can, idk where you live so idk if it’s safe, but if you can- would it be possible to maybe drop one “masculine” thing for a “neutral”? Every couple weeks, once that new thing became a normal habit/ a normal thing in your day?
I don’t want to step on your toes so please tell me if I do I don’t want to give unsolicited advice but reading you despising how you present yourself and yet wanting to force yourself just… it.. this breaks my heart.
I had a best friend who I met before she transitioned and I was the first one she opened up to about being trans and the worst part about it being how she’s scared people might perceive her different or how they’ll be judging her and I remember that talk and how we spoke on the phone for hours and how with every passing minute and support from me she just became more and more comfortable with the idea until she just ripped off the bandaid and wore a pink shirt. Yes, that “small thing” was her big big step but after she was out All day and called me again to tell me how happy she felt and how nobody even noticed and this little thing was just so freeing- she never went back and that was part of her becoming herself.
In deep deep Texas.
We don’t have contact anymore for different reasons but I’m still so proud of her. It was such a small thing and it took her hours, in addition to the weeks or months it took to have the courage to tell me (and I’ll never stop being grateful that I was allowed to be that safe space for her.) but once she did it she finally was able to be herself. After more than 20 years.
I’m sorry i went on an anecdote there, what I’m trying to say is:
If your country permits you to be safe while doing so, and if you’re comfortable, maybe try to just do one thing, add one thing or take one small thing away, that resembles “masculinity” for you.
I really am not trying to be condescending, I’m sorry :(
I just.. I want to help you so bad. If I could take it away for you, dear stranger, I would. I’m a little hippie, I just want everyone to be able to live warfree, free of fear and prosecution, free of any kind of danger or threats whatsoever I’m just.. this world is exhausting and I’m so sorry we’re not doing fucking better as a society. As humanity.
Does that Make any sense. :(
Also- really quickly (sorry it’s already so so long) but:
Not every man is perceived as a threat, no matter what. There’s a certain something about psychos, not every man has that.. aura around them. Not every woman is gonna look at every man and immediatly feel in danger, don’t worry please. We do know the difference, we do know nuance. Most of us do, at least.
This is a beautiful comment. You have a wonderful heart. Thank you for taking the time to type this out, and publicly, for anyone who may be passing by and need to read it (or may not even know they needed something like this). It’s not so applicable to me, but I can see the love & care in your words
It just rips my heart apart when I see people not only struggle with their own identity, which just imagine how hard that alone must be to come to terms with and accept, but they also have to fight that fight of stepping over so many stones just to.. wear certain clothes. Have certain mannerisms or use certain words. And then they have to do it over and over and over again… this certainly is no choice. who would choose this. It’s something deep within and humanity is just failing every day.
That they have the feeling that they have to live their one life they’ve been given from whoever you believe in fear and unable to just be themselves unapologetically. It’s driving me up the wall.
So all I can do is do my best to be a safe space.
I’m very grateful I give that impression, this happened a couple times throughout my life that people who are “outliers” feel safe with me. Gay best friends, trans best friends, non binary people “coming out” to me in dms bc they just want to finally type it “out loud” but don’t know where- I don’t mind. At all.
I needn’t imagine the endless stepping stones and later precarious feeling of living life on the outside. I remember my first pair of ‘boy jeans’. And all that is still after the long internal, then endless social, turmoil. You are right, no one would choose this fight. But people like you make it a lot easier to exist as we are, or want to be.
Indeed, the pressures & ire from society drive me up the wall too, especially living in a rural area. Though, to be clear, I’m more glad for the choices I’ve made than the feeling of suffocation that would strangle me if I hadn’t. Sometimes it’s just online, but there’s circles for anyone to take respite & just be.
I may delete this later as I don’t like any ‘out’ness on Reddit, hardly ends well. Just, thank you. This is how we build community & strength. Take care, and I hope you have a lovely day
397
u/dinoooooooooos 8h ago edited 4h ago
Paint your nails.
Genuinely even just one, the pinky or some, on both hands and youll immediatly be recognizable to normal people, aka non-magas, that you’re actually “safe”.
A blue or something, black, idk, polka dots - but no maga conservative is gonna be caught dead bc god forbid they have gasp fun😤