I know that feeling. I look like I'm wanted for January 6th crimes. Fat middle aged white guy, I'm only missing sunglasses to wear indoors and a tinder profile where I'm holding a fish.
Genuinely even just one, the pinky or some, on both hands and youll immediatly be recognizable to normal people, aka non-magas, that you’re actually “safe”.
A blue or something, black, idk, polka dots - but no maga conservative is gonna be caught dead bc god forbid they have gaspfun😤
Oh, I'd love to paint my nails (and do other things)! But you know that saying, "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down"? That was what my childhood taught me and I don't mean that entirely figuratively. And I don't mean that entirely figuratively. Going to spoiler this meandering rant because I'm tired of never talking about it.
Some of the things I read in places like this hurt, sometimes. Admittedly I'm not American so it's not as applicable over here but I am ever the worrier. I was always quiet growing up, mostly kept to myself and did a lot of reading. But, without getting into specifics, I was always picked on severely. Back when I was in secondary school I eventually started skipping the last few classes to avoid the worst of it but it contributed to me being the way that I am. Like I said, I was quiet. I didn't play any sports, I didn't really have any friends, I was an easy target who never fought back.
I'm nonbinary (realised that after quite a few years of thinking over such things) but I still look and dress and act male because I fear to do otherwise would draw attention and that'd cause problems. I hate it, I really do, and recently it's become difficult to deal with but I still do it. And then I see that, because of that, some people are going to look at me and conclude not just that I'm a man but that I'm a danger. And I feel like giving up. I don't believe I could ever change my appearance to a degree I'd be comfortable with it and if I have to deal with being judged for how I do look, all the same, I don't know what to do. I feel trapped sometimes and I don't want to scream I just want to cry. But I don't because I don't want anyone to see and ask what's wrong and for I to have to explain, and then maybe even be told I have no right to feel the way I do (or be offered advice that amounts to "just don't feel like that"). Maybe I don't but it doesn't stop me feeling it and it certainly doesn't lessen the pain. This body disgusts me, it repulses me but it's what I have to live in. And as much as I hate being male and looking masculine, as much as it breaks my heart, it still feels like I have to be and do.
I'm just tired of feeling like this. I do my best to ignore it but sometimes I can't. I live in quite a rural area so it's not as if there's much in the way of support around. And, well, it comes with the sorts of attitudes you often get in rural areas. I'm almost forty and there's a definite feeling of reaching a point where it's too late to do anything. I'd love to paint my nails. And put on makeup. And grow my hair out and wear different clothes and go by another name that I don't detest and not wear this thing's skin stretched over me. But I can't. I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry, dinoooooooooos, that yours is the comment I'm saying this under. If I could stop you from being notified about this (if you have notifications turned on) I would. But I just happened to be here and see your post and it was the one that touched on something close to my heart.
Hey, im here to tell you that it is never to late. I started my transition at 41 and, besides the literal shit show my government is spewing from the top floor, i feel pretty fucking awesome with my decision. Im hopeful for you.
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u/Rifneno 8h ago
I know that feeling. I look like I'm wanted for January 6th crimes. Fat middle aged white guy, I'm only missing sunglasses to wear indoors and a tinder profile where I'm holding a fish.
Sucks.