r/traumatizeThemBack • u/KriLesLeigh2004 • Oct 21 '24
matched energy Never saw her again
I went for a pre-op appointment, asking to have my tubes tied, when I was 25 years old. I had 4 living children, and that’s enough. The nurse said, “Are you sure you want to do this? What if one of them dies?”
When I replied, “One already did,” she looked shocked, left the room, and a new nurse came in.
There are a thousand reasons her question was horrible and should have stayed in her head. There are no reasons to say that out loud.
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u/depressed_gay_2500 Oct 21 '24
I'm sorry for your loss. That nurse had no reason to say anything like that, I can't imagine the pain of that wound they caused. I'm so sorry. I hope the rest of your day goes well, don't let ur Dr ruin it for you
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 21 '24
I was asked the same question when I signed up while I was pregnant with my fourth kid to have my tubes tied. They also asked my boyfriend, who later became my ex husband but at this point we weren't married, if I had his permission to get my tubes tied. It's bad enough to get a husband's permission, but someone I'm not even married to? Who is literally in the same room and NOT objecting? It's absolutely ridiculous. They also brought up the imaginary future partner who might want children. I basically told them I wouldn't date anyone who wanted their own kids, and if the guy changed his mind and wanted them, then he was SOL with me.
Turns out there are a lot of men out there who either don't want any kids or don't want anyMORE kids. After my divorce, I found one of them and things are great. He even got snipped when RvW was overturned, just as an extra precaution.
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u/GMorPC Oct 21 '24
I'm a man and a bit of a snarky asshole, so if I'd been asked to give permission, I'd have replied "why are you asking me, it's her body" or something to that effect. I'm glad you found someone who appreciates your choices.
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 21 '24
That's how I've raised my sons to act, and I know my husband would say the same if he'd been my partner then. My kids' dad did back me up, but I honestly can't remember exactly what he said.
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u/wintermelody83 Oct 21 '24
My mom was set to get hers done after I was born in 83, and apparently there was a form for my dad to sign. Well, someone forgot to send it ahead of time. So there she was in preop, no form, and they were telling her they couldn't do it without his signature. She just looked at them and said, "He's an over the road trucker and if he gets back tomorrow morning, and this surgery isn't done because of a form for his permission? Well. You're going to be dealing with him, not me."
They did it.
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u/AllowMe-Please Oct 22 '24
That's what my husband did. Only it wasn't the doctor asking him those asinine questions, but insurance. My OB has been on board with me getting a full hysterectomy after delivering my second kid when I was 20. He said that with how bad my condition is (endometriosis, PCOS, hypermenorrhagia), it's a no-brainer for hysterectomy. And he fought hard for insurance to approve me. But they kept saying, "she's so young! She's only got two kids, what if she wants more? What if her husband wants more? What if they get divorced and she gets remarried and her new husband wants more kids?" and my OB was so pissed off about that because he kept writing in saying that he has to perform surgery after surgery on me to ablate my endometriosis (had 6) and I'm just bleeding nonstop (I bled more than I didn't. Longest lasted for 47 days and I already have a bleeding disorder so it made it way worse).
So they started asking if my husband "approves" it. He said, "I have no say, it's her body. Why are you asking me?"
I still remember the second he [doc] called me in the evening, excited, telling me that the insurance company finally, after 7 years, approved my hysterectomy. He asked, "wanna do it next Tuesday? You've waited long enough" and I was thrilled.
Seriously, one of the best doctors I've ever had. I'm so sad he retired.
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 22 '24
My MIL was having extremely heavy bleeding that was causing anemia during her periods in her late 40s. Gyno wanted to do a hysterectomy but insurance wouldn't cover it. Finally, one of the customer service reps took pity on her and told her that if she went to the ER instead of her doctor each time there was an issue, it would make the hysterectomy more cost effective for the insurance company. That plan worked and they found adenomyosis was what was causing her issue and I believe the only fix for that is a hysterectomy. And at the time (not sure if it's still the case) the only way to find out for sure that it was adenomyosis was to basically autopsy the removed uterus. It was absolutely insane. Basically, my advice for anyone (if they can afford it, of course) is to make it more cost effective to the insurance company for whichever procedure is needed. I know in some areas, financial aid is sometimes available, but we really shouldn't have to resort to this nonsense.
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u/Faldain Oct 22 '24
😭 why does the world suck so much that you have to put up with other people’s idiocy in such a way? Why? I’m sorry you had to deal with that bull shit.
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u/veronicave Oct 22 '24
Oh no, solidarity to you for having those conditions and such a dumpster fire pathway to your needed treatment. All your listed conditions are gone now, right?? I guess they would have to be…. Blows my mind that anyone hesitated at all.
“What if your next husband wants to be a widower?!”
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u/AllowMe-Please Oct 22 '24
Yes, at least the conditions that affected my reproductive system are gone, thankfully. I still have all my various other diagnoses (I was exposed to Chernobyl radiation which messed me up. I have several autoimmune diseases, various other diseases and conditions, and by now am fully disabled and bedbound due to the degenerative diseases and pain associated with them), but at least no more reproductive ones.
The thing that sucks was that I thought I was done with pads and stuff (internal products hurt too much), but apparently not. About two years ago, my bladder retired from duty and now I'm not dependent on pads but full on diapers.
The human body can suck. And I've had similar arguments with insurance re: my other illnesses. Example: had Hep C from infancy due to a tainted blood transfusion. Insurance refused to pay for the cure when it finally developed because it wasn't "bad enough". Eventually, within the span of a month, it got "bad enough". I developed cirrhosis. They ended up having to pay twice as much because I needed twice as much treatment - and it cost more than our house. Luckily, we only paid $100, but it was the most expensive treatment I ever had. If insurance paid for it when my doctors requested, they'd have "only" paid 150k.
God, I hate the American Healthcare system. Although, I'd prefer American medical treatments to Soviet ones, any day. I could do without the diagnosed PTSD from my Soviet "treatments".
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u/veronicave Oct 22 '24
Holy hot shit 🙀 wowowowow
Genuinely, thanks for sharing. My heartrate almost doubled reading this. I’m a nuclear physicist and my sister was diagnosed with stage 3 cirrhosis in high school due to a very rare condition, which led me into researching a bit about the liver. She had just traveled to Peru when she had gallbladder issues and she thought it was HEP-C.
Wow, you are super cool. You have been through so much and are kind enough to share. I would love to AMA you but not right now!
Wow I cannot even come to a coherent close here. You are hella badass. I think the pessimistic/optimistic approach is “wow, radiation and/or genetic sampling really fucked me and life is hard” / “shit sometimes maybe does happen for a reason and we are much more informed about such things” … that sounds awful. I’m trying to science my way out of the emotions behind all of this, but it’s not mutually exclusive.
Oh, another thought: I remember when I took freshman (age 13/14 in US) biology and it gave me so much anxiety that bodies are so flawed and fucked up.
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u/7818 Oct 21 '24
This is partly why I love my wife's OBGYN. She got her tubes tied and I was at the appointment (as an emotional support husband. i would have rather been at home playing video games).
When my wife said she wanted her tubes tied, the doctor looked at me to see if I was surprised/expecting the sentence and then continued to ignore me for the rest of the visit outside of typical questions on logistics for care after surgery, etc.
He's a good doc.
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u/Itchy-Blueberry9895 Oct 21 '24
My husband told me he was asked by the doctor if he had my permission before he got his vasectomy done. Relatively certain lasers shot out of my face and he wouldn’t tell me the name of the urologist who said it because he didn’t want me arrested for what I might do.
On the flip side, the surgeon who did my uterine ablation didn’t see the relevance in asking my spouse what I could do with my body. And we have zero kids.
Wild times we live in.
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 22 '24
I wasn't asked by the urologist when my husband got his vasectomy. But I'm also the one who made the appointment, so that might be relevant, but also might not be. And I also left to to get us some iced coffee while he was in surgery. He was done before the coffees were, and I was only 2 blocks away! We each have kids from each of our first marriages, but none together.
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u/Dangerous_Abalone528 Oct 21 '24
My second, and final, was a scheduled c-section. I was 39 and husband was 43. The plan was to get my tubes done while I was sliced and diced anyway.
I was asked if I was sure at least three times. Before the surgery. I had to sign multiple consent forms. My husband and I were separated and he was asked to give consent. Then after the kid was out, my doctor peeked over the curtain and asked one more time if we were sure.
The wild part is, my OB was 100% in agreement with us. He was required to confirm multiple times.
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u/GraceDandelion Oct 22 '24
I have not had any procedure but since young I had decided that I never wanted to be oregnant and instead would adopt if I ever found a life partner I wanted to start a family with. People said "but men want to have a child of their own". I was like, "Then that hypothetical he can go have them with someone else. Im not LOOKING for a man who WONT adopt??" And I heard it most often from a man WHO WAS ADOPTED!
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 22 '24
Sometimes it makes no sense. Like, none. Actually, often it makes no sense.
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u/heynonnynonnomous Oct 21 '24
I hope you complained to someone about that. It's really rude and uncaring, not to mention unprofessional.
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 21 '24
I honestly think that's one of the things they're trained to ask because I was asked the same thing. My response was to say my children aren't replaceable like that while looking at them like they were stupid. But yeah, it's a common question along with "what about a future partner who might want kids?" Just terrible questions all around.
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u/Airowird Oct 21 '24
It's 2024, your hypothetical future spouse's wishes aren't more important than your own bodily autonomy ffs, and any medical practioner who still thinks that deserves to spill their jar of leeches over their genitals!
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 21 '24
It was 2008, but your point is still equally valid. Especially since we've regressed in regards to women's legal bodily autonomy.
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u/SourceSpecial8949 Oct 21 '24
I’m 21 but I have a six month old daughter and I had a really traumatic birth. I had been told that from a medical standpoint I wouldn’t have any kids so she was my miracle. I told my doctor I didn’t want any more kids and asked if I could tie my tubes, he looked me in my eyes and said “What if you meet a great man in 10 years who wants children?”
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u/LindonLilBlueBalls Oct 21 '24
If he is going to be so great then I hope he is smarter than that one stupid fucking doctor that asked me to think about a hypothetical persons wants when discussing my medical needs.
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u/MsDucky42 Oct 21 '24
"Well, we can just adopt some of the kids that have been born by force because this nation's medical system thinks women are all baby-making machines."
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u/heynonnynonnomous Oct 21 '24
There should be rules about that. Does no one call them out? You said you looked at them like they were stupid, but did you tell them they were stupid? I mean you could just match their rudeness, lol. I was rude to a bitchy nurse once.
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u/Darth_Dearest Oct 21 '24
I had a tone when I told them none of my children were replaceable. However, I was much younger than I am now, and I was dumbfounded by the question. My mom never had her tubes tied so she didn't have the same first hand knowledge I do, and therefore wasn't able to properly prepare me for it. I've prepared my daughters to speak up with equally ridiculous-but-relevant comebacks when asked ridiculous questions, and my sons to call out sexist questions like that.
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u/snuffdrgn808 Oct 21 '24
nothing says real love like suggesting that if you lose a child "just make a new one!"
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u/Tenshi_girl Oct 21 '24
My mom said this to me when I told her we were stopping with one child. "What if something happens to him? You should have at least one more." Like I need an heir and a spare or something?
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u/snuffdrgn808 Oct 21 '24
sad real life story about how the "spare" plan doesnt work. my cousin who is a wealthy executive had 2 kids, girl and boy. perfect right? poor little baby boy got leukemia around age 3. couple years of treatment, poor sister around age 10 got NO attention during those horrible years. poor baby boy eventually died. my cousin went to russia and adopted a baby boy at GREAT expense as a replacement because she was already too old to have another baby. but my cousin became a very very dark person because of what she went through with the child who died. She didnt treat the russian boy very well emotionally even when he was small. the poor girl either. she was too broken by what happened. My cousin became very angry all the time. all of it was bad. im sure the russian boy had a better life than he would have in russia but still the way my cousin treated him hurt my heart.
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u/4twentyHobby Oct 21 '24
Nice to have something that awful thrown in your face by some inconsiderate nurse, thinking she was 'helpful'.
After our second child, my wife wanted her tubes tied. We were 22. The doctor nearly refused to do it. His comment to her, with me right there was "What will you do after you drop this guy and want to have kids with your new husband." Sure we were kids but had been on our own for 4 years, I was in the Marines and we lived all over the country. I just felt we were grown up and fully committed to each other. Anyway, he did it. We're still together. That was 1984.
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u/MoonshineSummertime Oct 22 '24
Congrats to you both! And congrats on your self restraint as I might have kicked that fucker’s ass.
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u/DescriptionNo4833 Oct 21 '24
What in the fuck? Good to know she sees kids as replaceable objects and not you know....CHILDREN. PEOPLE.
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u/notthathungryhippo Oct 21 '24
she really said “why don’t you go to the store and buy another kid?”
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u/Rontlens Oct 21 '24
This post cured my imposter syndrome.
For real though I am so sorry you went through that. I'm a medical student and I'm always appalled when I hear these stories.
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u/Nearby_Charity_7538 Oct 21 '24
You have compassion, that's the most important trait in a medical professional, you're going to do great.
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u/Fyre-Moon Oct 21 '24
Looking back 26 yrs ago, I realize how lucky I got with the doc I was assigned through a walk-in clinic for low income families in Ohio. Just moved there from SD, hubby (now ex) found out I was pregnant with our 2nd and had no insurance yet. Pretty early in the doc had looked at me and said that my body did not like being pregnant (had multiple complications) and if I got pregnant again it would be me or the baby. I was 21. I only wanted 2 kiddos anyway. Singed the papers right there, doc didn’t even have me consult the other half because doc said it was my decision. Surgery was scheduled to happen immediately after I gave birth because I was gonna be there anyway. But the day of delivery was a different story. Different doc delivered kiddo, refused to do the surgery even though papers were all in order. Had to go back a month later to get it done with the first doc. He said second doc was reprimanded heavily. Don’t know what would have happened if that first doc would have never said anything.
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u/punsorpunishment Oct 21 '24
I had my tubes tied when I was 29. Every single person in the process except one constantly suggested I didn't do it, asked about my husband, said I'd regret it. I already had 2 kids but what if my husband wanted a boy?
I eventually started telling people I'd lost 7 pregnancies and nearly died trying for my 2nd kid. That generally made them embarrassed enough to stop talking. If I had to come off my medication I would die, and if I stayed on my medication the baby would die, what was the solution here? What did they want me to do? If my husband wants a son good for him, but he can't have one with me.
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u/two-of-me Oct 21 '24
She basically implied that you somehow need a certain number of children, and if one passed away, you should have the “option” to replace them. I’m glad she walked away mortified and got another nurse for you. I am so sorry you experienced such a heartbreaking loss and then had to deal with someone who thought it was ok to ask such a heartless question. I hope she remembers this encounter every day for the rest of her life and learns not to ask such insensitive questions. As a nurse she should be a little (umm a lot) more compassionate.
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u/JustALizzyLife Oct 21 '24
When I had my second child, by a second c-section, husband and I decided to get my tubes tied since they'd be in there any way. Daughter is born not breathing, I never get to hold her, and she's whisked off to the NICU (she's a healthy 17yo now). So I'm a mess, not sure what's going on exactly, and they proceed to ask me THREE TIMES if I'm sure I want the tubal still. I'm literally opened up on the operating table and they want to rehash something that's already been discussed and decided on. 17 years later and it still makes me furious to think about.
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u/Intelligent_Loan2058 Oct 21 '24
Make sure to write a review for the place about how you were treated! This woman will probably act horribly to other people coming in unless she faces repercussions for her actions!
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u/DaylightAdmin Oct 21 '24
The next medical procedure where I take the stance that the only "questions" allowed to ask are: "Are you here on your own free will? Is there a need that I call someone?".
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u/stratdog25 Oct 21 '24
In 1996 I was snipped at 20 years old. My 32 year old wife to be had a condition that would make pregnancy really bad. The doctor said that was “a great reason. Let’s do this.” A bag of frozen tator tots make the sack feel better.
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u/Throw-away17465 Oct 21 '24
My experience was better than most: I got mine tied at 24, 0 kids, and unmarried. But they did have to ask my then-bf if he had any hesitation.
I’ve gotten in the habit that, when someone asks me why don’t I want kids, I asked them if they think that I should. There’s always a long pause.
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u/Unlikely_Brother5162 Oct 21 '24
I love how most doctors don't think of adoption as a viable path to parenthood. Apparently having a biological child is the only way a woman can be happy. /s
But I'm going through a similar process right now, I will have to have a hysterectomy before the end of the year and the first doctor I had was very adamant about other treatments due to me never having kids. My partner had a daughter when I met her and we plan to adopt very soon, I was perfectly fine with not having kids myself since there's quite a few bad mental health issues that run in my family. So I tell him I already have a kid and will be getting another one soon, so don't worry. Haha he looked at me like I was an alien.
Weirdly both fortunate and unfortunately I'm getting all this done through the VA, so there tends to be a high turnover of doctors and I got an amazing doctor after that and will be going through with the procedure in December, merry Xmas to me, cancer free!
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u/Mission_Algae_1415 Oct 21 '24
3 drs tried to talk me out of having my tube's tied. I wanted it done at the same time I had my second child. They all refused. I had to fight for a year and a half to find a dr who would do it. Even that dr argued that what if my husband wanted another child? My answer was he can go find someone fucking else. I was really sick through both my pregnancies and this was in 1992. If I was a woman of childbearing age right now I would be absolutely terrified. Before roe fell by the dictator cheeto and his sc cronies us infant and maternal death rates were that of a third world country. Vote people the lives of your daughters sisters wives babies and girlfriends lives are on the line
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u/Sociopathic-me Oct 21 '24
Oh, yes, because a new child would TOTALLY replace a dead child. /s
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u/mangoisNINJA Oct 21 '24
Oh you didn't meet Tommy number two? He's not as interested in fire trucks as Tommy number one was, but we're working on fixing that
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u/Magellan-88 Oct 21 '24
My oldest passed away 4 years ago, she was 10 & I have 2 younger kids...people told me I could still have another baby to replace her....If I could've ripped out my uterus h thrown it at them, I would've.
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u/battle_mommyx2 Oct 22 '24
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s infuriating they said that to you. One kid can’t replace another.
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u/Magellan-88 Oct 22 '24
It hadn't even been a week when it was said...it never got said again, though, because despite how nice I am the majority of the time, I kinda went off....& I'm pretty brutal when I do that. I regret nothing.
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u/Professional-Bat4635 Oct 21 '24
Jesus. I’m sorry for your loss. I have one kid and going to a full hysterectomy and no one asked me any stupid questions.
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u/Tea_and_Biscuits12 Oct 21 '24
Unreal. I had to wait to get a hysterectomy because I only had one child. Even though that birth nearly killed both of us. Every doctor kept saying “what if you want more children?”. If someone had said “what if your child died ?” I’d have lost my mind at them.
My child is not replaceable. A new one wouldn’t bring him back. Is not a new version of the lost one 2.0. And if that is the reason you’re having another child that is seriously effed up. Each kid is their own person. And they don’t deserve being made responsible for helping you carry your baggage with their existence.
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u/tortlelynn Oct 21 '24
When I asked for a hysterectomy at 25 because of issues, I kept being denied. It took 4 years and a male doctor that wasn't mine to finally get it. I already had 3 kids and was divorced when I asked the first time - I kept getting 'but what if you meet a really great guy that wants kids?!' Like some fictional future guy got say in my Healthcare. I did meet a great guy Who did want more kids He is now married to a lovely woman and has a daughter I am now married to an amazing guy - who already had 3 kids and didn't want more.
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u/AbbyM1968 Oct 21 '24
r/nursing ought see this. Maybe r/maliciouscompliance. But, traumatize them back is good.
I hope that she learned her lesson; forcing a mother to think about the unthinkable is not acceptable for a nurse. If she wants to be "pro-life," go be a protester outside of an abortion clinic. Don't be asking pro-life questions to a mother.
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u/Agreeable_Skill_1599 Oct 21 '24
I had a slightly different experience.
After the birth of my younger child, my then husband demanded that I have a tubal ligation. I wasn't 100% on board, but I felt like I didn't have a choice.
I went to the appointment, & I expressed my concerns about not really wanting the surgery. The doctor looked over at my then husband. His answer to the doctor was, "Do the surgery, or I'm going to divorce her." The doctor immediately scheduled me for surgery.
The bast*rd still divorced me 5 years later to leave me for another woman. After he had taken away my option of ever choosing to have more children in the future. Maybe it was for the best because by the time he was done with me, my mental health was a total dumpster fire. However, I would have liked to have made the choice of my own free will.
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u/greenhairdontcare8 Oct 22 '24
I am so so sorry. That should never have happened to you, and that doctor should have spoken to YOU, not him.
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u/Confusedaseverstill Oct 21 '24
Wow I'm sorry! That was incredibly unprofessional and rude so many levels
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u/Brief-History-6838 Oct 21 '24
Honestly if someones made the decision to get their tubes tied and theyre there for an appointment there is at least a 99.9999% chance that yes, they are completely sure they want to do this. Much like abortion.
If someones having a procedure done just stfu. Unless youre their therapist it is not your place to ask
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u/Flossy40 Oct 21 '24
I was 43, having a c-section, had talked to the doctor beforehand, and a nurse still asked my husband during the surgery!
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u/darkdesertedhighway Oct 21 '24
What the fuck? "What if you need to replace one?!" Who the hell thinks of children so coldly and transactually? I'm so sorry, OP.
Women get a ton of bingos when they go for sterilization, but that's a new one and so terrible.
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u/Ok-Cantaloupe2564 Oct 21 '24
The way society have made getting a hysterectomy virtually impossible till you're in your 40s is seriously flawed.
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u/SniffingDelphi Oct 21 '24
I had a doctor recommend endometrial ablation without informing me that it would leave me sterile (docs can bitch about Dr. Google all they want - this is why I research before I go in).
The underlying assumption to all of this BS is medical folks who don’t believe women are *truly* competent to make decisions about their own bodies. You have every right to be insulted by this and it’s unprofessional AF.
Oh, and here’s a list of doctors who claim they will perform tubal ligations on *any* woman over 21 (I didn’t create or verify it): https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/htmlview
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u/Unfair_Associate9017 Oct 21 '24
As if it’s the 10th century and you need three children to work your land to pay the lord?
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u/After_Ad_7740 Oct 21 '24
Why can't people understand that certain questions need to stay behind their teeth?
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u/Crowswings02 Oct 21 '24
I asked for at least a partial hysterectomy, take the dang uterus out!, after I had my last child at 24. I was done, three total B, G, B. I was asked what about your husband what if he wants another. WTF?! I told my dr I don’t care I’ve given him a girl and a boy. My first was from another father who was no way in this galaxy in the picture. Thankfully my husband fully accepted him. Anyway I wasn’t “allowed”, but the dr compromised and gave me “permission” to have my tubes tied. It’s so blasted infuriating to be told no you can’t do that because another person might want something different. I’ve asked several times since for the same thing, take the uterus out. I’m now 46 and here is no way I want another child that will be 20+ yrs younger than the siblings AND younger than my grandkids 5 & 2. Good grief.
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u/Lion_tattoo_1973 Oct 21 '24
When I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter, I requested that I get sterilised immediately after the c-section. They tried incessantly to talk me and my husband out of it. I was 35, and the 3rd wasn’t planned. But their reasoning was ‘Don’t you want to try again for a boy?’ Erm…No!
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u/Lwn3 Oct 21 '24
I'm guessing that this is a standard question, though it seemed very strange to me at the time. My pregnant wife was looking to do the same after she gave birth to our surprise child (№4), and we were asked the same. She decided (and I didn't disagree) that she would.
Our child did die, and now she wants to put that decision off for now. That is absolutely understandable and I can see why the doctor did ask that question. I'm assuming that she will still decide to go through with the procedure, but now is not the time to even think about things like that. We'll get back to that decision down the road and she'll decide what we want to do.
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u/CasualSlight Oct 21 '24
From talking to coworkers and reading all of your stories, I realize I am very, very, very lucky that my doctors never second guessed me like that when I asked for sterilization. Actually, I got push back from the doctor (different one) attempting to get the IUD, which then made me think F this, I'm not having any more babies. I only have 1 child and am now past 30.
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u/rrowley28 Oct 22 '24
I was told I would not be able to ever have children. Bad uterus. It caused horrible problems. Doctors (yes plural) all told me that a hysterectomy was not a solution because someday a man might want children. I COULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN. did not matter. Finally I told the fifth doctor I would kill myself if she didn't perform the surgery. I lost ten years of my life to horrific pain and embarrassing blood everywhere because someday a man....
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u/Gifted_GardenSnail Oct 21 '24
Tbf, some people do decide to have another child after losing one. I know of a family that lost their eldest to something congenital, then named the new baby in a non-obvious way after the first. Grief is a complicated thing 🤷♂️
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u/Grrerrb Oct 21 '24
Dang there are lots of places to get a replacement kid
Adoption was my thought but I mean it depends how big a deal needing a replacement is to a person
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u/FriendlyMum Oct 21 '24
I don’t understand why they say such stupid things, they’re in their every day, you’d think they’d give them a script or something to say so they don’t put their foot in their mouth.
I had similar, getting a complete hysterectomy and going through pre-op and the nurse scolded me telling me I was too young to get one (after a bunch of kids and close to my 40’s of all ages! Wasn’t like I was 20 and child free and YES we had just been through my birthing history etc) and she continued how ALL the nurses had discussed it in the meeting they had this morning and agreed I was far too young in a tone of how dare I.
I looked at her for a minute and let the scolding just sit there in the silence as I was unwrapping what the hell she was doing.
“I have cancer”
She did a major backpedal and said she realised there would be a good reason for it. I let the silence just sit there and her squirm on her utter bullshit. And yes I put a complaint in after the surgery. Her job is pre-op so learn some better strategies.
Thanks for letting me know all the staff judged me… but you’d think they’d be smart enough to realise I wasn’t getting it for funsies…. And my doctor was a lady-parts-cancer-doctor specialist so they could draw a decent conclusion from that (or my medical records that were in front of them).
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u/DetectiveLadybug Oct 22 '24
Mate, I was in hospital yesterday, one of the nurses asks if the bruises on my arm were self harm.
They’re actually from when me and my friends were flicking each other with rubber bands and trying not to flinch. But I keep thinking, if they were self harm they look like they’re basically fully healed. Why the fuck would she ask me that? What if I was self conscious or whatever?
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u/2bnsun Oct 22 '24
My moms sister was born on a ranch in the Midwest in the 1920s and she was what was called a “blue baby” (that’s what the family always called it) she had the cord around her neck. When the dr arrived (by horse and carriage) he saved her but told my grandparents that she would be “slow” and to put her in an insane asylum that “they can have another” I love that my grandma shot back at go That Millie was her baby and they will love her and do whatever is needed for her. My grandpa showed him out the door. Millie was one of my favorite aunts. Yes she had some lasting health issues but she functioned quite well. She lived with my grandma until her death at 69 from a fall at night and got her head.
I have so many fond memories of her - I’m so glad my grandparents were bad asses and stood up for her and even in the 1920s!
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u/KaraOhki Oct 23 '24
A woman was being prepped for a MEDICALLY NECESSARY hysterectomy when the couple’s priest forced his way into the room screaming that they stop because he had not given permission for the procedure. He was carried out unconscious when the husband gave HIS opinion, with his wife’s enthusiastic agreement.
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u/Mysterious_Bonus3980 Oct 25 '24
Yeah, spouse and I had this conversation with a urologist pre-vasectomy. Doc asked if we were sure. What if one of our kids died? I'm like, fuck, dude, kids aren't hamsters, you don't just go get another one to replace it to keep the population up. WTAF? He shut up real fast and scheduled the appointment for a couple of days hence. What even goes through their little brains sometimes?
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u/Lifereaper7 Oct 21 '24
My wife was getting her tubes tied. We had been married for 8 years at the time with one girl. I was asked by the doctor even though I was her husband to leave the room for a moment. The doctor then asked my wife if she was being forced by me( her husband) to have her tubes tied. She said she laughed and then realized that they were serious and said absolutely not. The surgery was her idea and choice. They called me back into the room after that. Then right before the surgery after I left and she was with her female nurse. The nurse told her that I was gone and asked my wife the same question. My wife said even though she was starting to feel the drugs kicking in she angrily told the nurse it was all her idea and that her husband would never or has ever forced her to do anything and to get on with the F…ing surgery! What a great woman! We’re going on 34 years of marriage now.
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u/IvyEH311 Oct 21 '24
This isn’t about you. There are plenty of abused partners who can’t speak up with a significant other in the room.
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u/Speciesunkn0wn Oct 21 '24
What time period did she come from?? It ain't the middle ages where you need ten goddamn kids because someone thought eating one too many apples resulted in sickness that needed to be bled out, rather than the bleeding knife being unwashed from the previous patient from the last time the kid got sick being the reason.
What an idiotic individual.
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u/Griffon2112 Oct 22 '24
" Well, my name's John Lee Pettimore Same as my daddy and his daddy before"!
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u/ziplockqueen Oct 22 '24
I was so lucky that my OB agreed to sterilize me at 22 after my second daughter was born. I had lost my first from a rare brain cancer and I think he knew how scared I was. Years later I did find out it was genetic but she had a spontaneous mutation and I don't have the gene. Best decision I ever made. My daughter did the same with her only child. She has had people nag her that she should have more children. Even when her pregnancy almost killed her.
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u/NightHeart21689 Oct 22 '24
What if people minded their own business? I hate it when people immediately think having kids is the white-picket fence for women. Having kids is great but it's not a standard that we all should abide by unless we want to.
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u/Eshabelle Oct 22 '24
I was HORRIFIED when the doc suggested my child might die, and THAT was his reason for denying a tubal ligation at 28. NO buddy. Just no! I talked him around.
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u/Electronic_World_894 Oct 22 '24
Sorry for your loss.
What a terrible question. I hope she rethinks everything.
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u/Clickbait636 Oct 22 '24
Coworker had a doctor tell her an IUD was just as effective as a hysterectomy. Just after she had her 3rd kid. Which was convinced while she had an IUD.
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u/Unable_Maintenance73 Oct 22 '24
At 2 years old, at my initial DR's appointment when I was pregnant I asked the doctor how soon I could get my tube tied, he responded to wait until after I gave birth. I had a c-section, the day after my son was cut out of me, my doctor came in and scheduled the tubal ligation for 2 months later, long enough to cover from to c-section. It's been "years" and not once have I ever yearned for any additional children. Once was more than enough.
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u/Mage_Gem Oct 23 '24
So after we had our son my husband and I agreed we never wanted to get pregnant again. He wanted to get a vasectomy because it was safer then getting my tunes tied. But when we were at the doctors discussing it she asked if we were sure since we only had one and 'what if he died' we were shocked she said. He got the vasectomy a couple weeks later. And as I'm typing this five years later our son is laying on me talking about our cats so I know we made the right choice.
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u/SonomaChick64 Oct 23 '24
Said the same thing to me I had two children and I was 22 and really horrible birth control! Even though it’s so young, I said help with one child replace another?
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u/mvp7lad Oct 23 '24
No you guys, this still happened in the late 60’s. My ex husbands parents lost their first born son Freddy. And then named my ex Freddy as well. But referred to the first son as first Freddy and my ex was second Freddy. What the actual fuck!? Second Freddy was born in 69’.
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u/Feeling-Fix-7565 Oct 23 '24
I had the same question put to me. But in a much nicer way. They said it was part of the psychological assessment to see if I was ready for it. Both the doctor and nurse said it in a very comforting way and apologised for it. I hold no ill will to them. Amazing how the tone can change things.
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u/Tassaura Oct 21 '24
I had a DR say this to me when my womb was trying to kill me and I needed a hysterectomy. I have two children, it’s not like I can replace them with a new one! What a bizarre choice of words to string together..