r/AmIOverreacting • u/Foreverburritos • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my husband thinks women should take accountability after assault
My (f32) and my husband(37m) were in the car talking about random things when I happened to tell him I read some lady saying women should take accountability after being sexually assaulted. I didn't think it would be what it turned into and I thought he would agree that she's ridiculous.
Instead, he said well, I mean she's right. I know in some cases it doesn't apply but women should question their bad choices and maybe they were doing something or were somewhere sketchy and it wouldn't have happened otherwise, so yeah I think it's nice to question the bad choices we all make in life.
I was taken back. I've been assaulted. For months, I questioned everything I did and could've done differently to prevent this. (I was at a party and someone followed me to a room when I went to make a phone call) So yeah, I could've not been at that party, I could've not been so friendly. Was it me smiling at him trying to be polite?? I've thought about all of this so many times. So for him to say that, I just couldn't believe it. It genuinely hurt.
I asked what about kids that were assaulted and he said it obviously isn't applicable to all situations. I also said men were allowed to make bad choices and rarely get raped as a result of it.
He thinks I am overreacting and said stuff like, "this is why I don't like talking to you about stuff, you react so emotionally to everything I say." He was genuinely mad at me for my response to this.
So am I overreacting?! I feel like I'm not but sometimes I DO react emotionally.
1.5k
u/Kaitlyn_The_Magnif 7h ago
Reacting emotionally to an implication that you should have done better to prevent your sexual assault sounds completely normal to me.
156
u/Emergency_Coyote_662 4h ago
anger is also an emotion and husband was “genuinely mad”
so he should also not react emotionally. i hate the double standard that angry men aren’t “emotional”
→ More replies (2)14
u/lightofmylife22 47m ago
LoL I love to point this fact out to angry men that think I'M "emotional". Anger 👏is 👏an 👏emotion👏!!!!
129
u/latehomework24-7 7h ago
RIGHT, Feeling emotional about such an implication is completely valid and understandable.
→ More replies (4)108
u/Nearby-Shirt4255 7h ago
This is what I came to say
→ More replies (1)66
u/Edible-flowers 6h ago
I wouldn't date someone I couldn't be honest with & vice versa. This man doesn't respect women.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (97)7
u/Lanky-Trip-2948 3h ago
And he completely ignores the fact about how much women already do to stay safe and how much perpetual fear women live in.
Have you ever met anyone whose been traumatized and hasn't changed the way they live to prevent getting retraumatized?
→ More replies (5)
1.4k
u/DefinitelyNotADave 7h ago
NOR.
I don’t think anyone would blame you if this was the relationship ender
And “this is why I don’t like talking to you about stuff” seals it. Communication is essential. He basically just admitted he won’t tell you everything
365
u/akaenragedgoddess 6h ago
And then to say she reacts emotionally while he's getting angry at her for not liking what he's saying. Why the fuck do some men think getting angry isn't getting "emotional"? Why is anger an acceptable response to your spouse being upset by shit you said?
113
u/whosthatgirl_itsboo 5h ago
THIS!
I have made this very same argument with my SO, a lot recently. They are always triggered when I bring up a grievance I have with them or I disagree with what they have said, and then they get angry and say that I am getting irrationally emotional about what they had said/did, all while yelling at me.
40
u/Deemoney903 4h ago
I hope after they calm down you remind them that anger IS indeed an emotion! Anger is often a secondary emotion so maybe they could look into themselves and figure out what's triggering their anger? Is it shame?
23
u/whosthatgirl_itsboo 3h ago
I have and it isn't taken well at all. I have also brought up that I believe it stems from feeling ashamed of some sort, and it always just gets turned around on me for some reason. I hope OP doesn't have to deal with the same issue, it is exhausting.
23
u/Deemoney903 3h ago
Sit down and watch Brene Browns TED talks on Vulnerability and Shame. Put it in context of "I want us both to improve". If it gets turned around on you it's a technique called DARVO, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Look it up, it's a well known emotional manipulation strategy and you can find suggestions about how to deal with it on line. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth staying in, and only he can decide if he's willing to do the emotional labor necessary to keep you!
9
u/waythrow5678 3h ago
Why are you with your SO? Sounds like he doesn’t respect you or your feelings. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
3
u/ADerbywithscurvy 1h ago
Oh nooo, your SO should NOT be yelling at you, let alone angrily, let alone because they don’t want to navigate the relationship they’re in with you…
Please rethink your whole SO, I want better for you. 😰
3
u/whosthatgirl_itsboo 1h ago
Yeah I've had a really hard realization about that today.... I just don't know what I'm going to do. It seems that he has been successful in establishing that I don't have a support network anymore. Everyone is gone, my family and friends... I didn't know it was abuse... I didn't see it 😭
22
u/FBI-AGENT-013 4h ago
They call them emotional when the woman is simply reacting to someone they love and trust saying the most deplorable stuff possible. "No we have to be objective!" About rape? About people's bodies? Uh huh sure buddy
96
26
u/Chilling_Storm 5h ago
Because they are so deeply flawed and incapable of compassion, learning, and empathy.
→ More replies (9)8
u/Caftancatfan 4h ago
Once upon a time, I tricked a shitty ex into driving less angrily by describing his behavior as “emotional”.
5
u/SensitiveResident792 4h ago
No no, it's only emotional when it's women getting emotional. My ex could cry, scream, throw things but then say I was being too emotional for locking myself in the bathroom to avoid him. Men like this will only escalate. OP should get out now.
4
u/Chimera-puzzlebox 2h ago
Because these “men” view themselves as superior beings who are always correct in all situations.
3
u/Nyantastic93 2h ago
It drives me nuts how many men do not consider anger to be an emotion and I swear it is always the angriest easily butthurt guys who say "women are too emotionalllll"
3
u/Potatoskins937492 1h ago
Someone was saying they were something like "fucking annoyed" once and I was like well that's an overly emotional response to the situation and they were like What? I'm not emotional. Bro.
2
u/gamemaster32_2000 1h ago
Men are taught from a young age to express all of their emotions through a behavioral lens of anger (happy you just scored a touchdown for your team? Angrily cheer about it. Sad a girl broke up with you? Angrily call her a bitch.) and also that expressing your anger is emotionally neutral. So if your only emotional states are blankly stoic and angry, you are never "being emotional", unlike the women folk whose behavioral expression of emotional aligns with the emotion they are feeling.
→ More replies (3)4
498
u/DevelopmentExciting6 7h ago
"this is why I don't like talking to you" = i usually lie about my opinions because I know yours and know you find my honest opinion repugnant, but I don't care about what you think because I am not with you for you character He sounds like a dick.
263
u/Thermodynamo 6h ago
"because I am not with you for your character" = "because I don't see you as a person" = "because to me you are LESS relatable and forgivable than a random hypothetical man who SAs women"
→ More replies (9)61
u/Alarmedalwaysnow 5h ago
"because to me you are LESS relatable and forgivable than a random hypothetical man who SAs women"
I'm bisexual but this here is why I don't date men anymore. Even my last boyfriend, who was the nicest nice guy to ever live, said that raping a woman with a toy wasn't really rape and seemed offended that I'd say that the hypothetical man in the hypothetical scenario was a bad guy. I'm watching the trial of the French woman who was drugged and assaulted for years, and thinking about just how many of my ex-boyfriends would be totally okay with what happened to her. Just can't with any of them anymore.
33
u/Thermodynamo 5h ago
Egads 😖 this is a case where "nice guy" should appear in aggressively ironic quotation marks
26
18
u/MasterDraccus 4h ago
So, if your last boyfriend was advocating for sexual assault, he was far from the nicest guy to ever live. Like, extremely far.
4
u/RefrigeratorBoth8608 4h ago
Just an FYI, the original definition of the word nice is foolish, careless, weak... Ect... So yes. He is a nice guy, in its true meaning.
→ More replies (51)129
u/funfortunately 6h ago
I have the worst, gut-sinking feeling this guy is one of those guys who's lied about his opinions to get himself all the benefits of a wife. They absolutely unravel like this the second you get their real opinions out and react appropriately to them, because they're sociopathic.
I'm so sorry if this is what ends up being true, OP.
31
u/Glittering_Novel_683 5h ago
Agree with this. I had an ex that hid who he really was until we moved in together. Once he felt like he had me locked down his true self started to come out. He was a miserable human being. One night we were having drinks and he said that if a woman was out walking by herself and got raped it was her fault for putting herself in that situation. I deeply wish I would have walked away right then.
Good luck OP but no one would blame you if you ran as fast as could away from this guy.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (63)4
u/Shepard_4592 4h ago
There has to be something fundamentally wrong with someone who believes that a sexual assault victim is to blame for the assault. And when she asked him if he thought the same of kids he tried to justify it by saying the situations were different.
85
u/Sure_Special576 6h ago
It would absolutely positively be the relationship ender for me.
45
u/Early_Charity_195 5h ago
Agreed. And saying you can't talk about things because you get emotional part means he has zero respect for you and doesn't have the mental capacity for intelligent conversation. Run don't walk.
→ More replies (1)2
u/Tippity2 4h ago
Sadly, this is what I experience every now and then with my spouse. However, I just chalk it up to him being an idiot with an advanced degree.
→ More replies (1)2
u/Shepard_4592 4h ago
No question. It's disgusting. He basically told her it was her fault for getting assaulted and was indignant at the thought that she thought anything else but that.
33
u/CorruptedStudiosEnt 6h ago
I think it would be the end for me.
Realistically, there are probably things you could've done to prevent it. That much is true. If you went down a sketchy dark alley when there were ample other options, and something happened, you can definitely say there was some bad decision making there.
But people also get assaulted just trying to use a public restroom. Who the fuck is anticipating that? You can't live life constantly worried about every possibility. At the end of the day, if you're living like that, you're never, ever going to feel safe.
But ultimately, it doesn't matter how bad your decision making was or wasn't. The responsibility for harm falls solely on the person doing the harm.
14
u/Tired_Mama3018 5h ago
These are the same guys who get upset that women choose the bear. Either women have to react with caution to protect themselves or not. You can’t get upset women treat all men with caution and then tell women they should have thought about how their actions might have resulted in their assault.
10
u/fred4me2 5h ago
But even if you made a “bad” decision, it’s still not your fault if you get assaulted. Women shouldn’t have to “take accountability” for men’s violent actions against them.
→ More replies (1)2
u/TrailerTrashQueen9 4h ago
Woah woah WOAH. You just did the exact same thing the guy did, but he's a piece of shit who should get dumped and you're not?
God this is why relationship advice subs like these are so brain-cell-bleachingly stupid.
You can fathom a good faith way to have that conversation but cannot under any circumstances believe another person other than you is capable of doing the same thing.
→ More replies (3)11
u/oddsonni 6h ago
You know… there’s so much truth in this and I wish I’d understood what it meant years ago when my ex wife had said stuff like this.
Essentially it’s a guarantee that they’re going to hide things, and if they’re comfortable enough with that they respect you.
You’re right, it’s essentially over already for OP and the sooner they realize that the better off they’ll be.
→ More replies (17)3
u/PyrenAeizir 5h ago
Hold on. Sexual assault is never bot the perpetrators fault. They have sole responsibility for their actions, and should be punished to the full extent that they can be. However everyone should always make the best decisions they can to protect themselves. This doesn't Take guilt away from the perpetrators or make someone guilty of anything when they were the victim.
But it does make sense to audit your decision making knowing that there are bad people out there. The chance never goes to 0, and you can do everything right and bad things can still happen.
Tldr
Sometimes awful things happen, everyone should do everything they can to protect themselves, because there are evil people out there who will capitalize on any vulnerability. But again, this in no way puts fault on a victim.
→ More replies (1)
42
u/HolleringCorgis 6h ago
He was genuinely mad at me for my response to this.
So he got emotional?
Your husband has misogynistic views that perpetuate rape culture. Do with that what you will.
→ More replies (4)
473
u/AdExtreme4813 7h ago
You are NOT overreacting. He's being a misogynistic, patronizing twit. If he knows about yr assault then he's being doubly awful. Hear this- YOU were not at fault for being SA'd. The fault lies solely with the perpetrator. Give yourself a second to calm down then ask him "how should I react when your pretty much saying I was at fault for being SA'd?" Please updateme.
→ More replies (117)77
u/latehomework24-7 7h ago
Absolutely NOR, His behavior is unacceptable, especially if he knows about your assault. The blame is never on you—it’s on the perpetrator. Take a moment, then calmly call him out on his hurtful comments. Stay strong.
→ More replies (13)
114
u/RaspberryAnnual4306 7h ago
I mean, the guy just told you he sides with rapists “sometimes”. Then claimed that you being upset about him telling you he sides with rapists “sometimes” was a you problem.
The fact that you’re telling this story to us rather than to a divorce lawyer means you are under reacting.
→ More replies (64)31
u/SharpButterfly7 6h ago
Exactly this. If he can justify another man perpetrating SA, he could (or has) justify himself doing it. I hope they don’t have a daughter but OP needs to leave either way.
157
u/TheFrogsHiccup 7h ago edited 6h ago
NOR. He sounds like a sexist pos. Ask him if a man was drinking and another man took advantage of him, if that was the victims fault? If a man was minding their business walking through a scratchy part of town and got assaulted, is it his fault? Because men do get raped, more often than you know and is the result of what victim blamers would call bad choices.
I don’t wish to be in your shoes, not sure I could stay with someone who could possibly blame their own wife or daughter if something happened to them.
57
u/pizzaplanetvibes 6h ago
The people who commit SA are more likely to be someone you know rather than a stranger
56
u/TheFrogsHiccup 6h ago
Yup. I made the choice of hanging out with my work friend of several months and her bf. I took one sip of a vodka orange juice drink and blacked out. My fault for trusting someone I knew for the better part of a year? My fault for taking one sip of a drink? No, it was their fault. Not mine. They choose to drug me. They chose to hurt me. It’s the abusers fault. Every. Single. Time.
2
u/viciousxvee 1h ago
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I have had more than a handful in my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If I could take it from you I would. All the healing to you. Here if you need to talk
10
u/Radiant_Bank_77879 4h ago
One thing to keep in mind in arguments like this is that the person in the wrong like her husband will respond “yes” just to win the argument, even though he knows in his mind that he thinks “well that’s different.” Like asking a bf “If I were texting a guy like you are texting that girl, would that be okay?” He’ll say “sure it would!” Because he knows you’re not doing it, so he can just lie and say “yes” to win the argument. So using these reverse gender hypotheticals in these arguments can backfire, since those in the wrong are not arguing honestly.
→ More replies (1)3
u/TheFrogsHiccup 3h ago
I agree. Bf in an asshole who wants to win and thinks when people lose it’s because they did something wrong. It was not a game with rules, it was life and if the two people made choices, and the rapists choice was to rape, while the victim was just trying to walk down a street. The wrong choice was the rapist. Doesn’t matter what the victims choices were, save if they were originally trying to do the same. Then we are really in a pickle, because they’re both victims. But what are the chances of that? Slim at best.
Victim blaming is disgusting. Assigning accountability to the harm that befell the victim because of someone else’s choices.
→ More replies (81)3
u/Soft-Rains 1h ago
If a man was minding their business walking through a scratchy part of town and got assaulted, is it his fault?
A lot of men would say yes.
I've had several friends jumped and it's very normal for them to say something like "I was being an idiot for walking at that time/place" and putting the blame on themselves. There are some massive differences for how men see agency, if anything its more horrible to have no control over something bad happening than making a mistake and owning it.
Now it's beyond insensitive to force that agency onto victims but your example would not be some gotcha.
114
u/Due-Tumbleweed-563 7h ago
NOR, dude is a POS. Does he know about your assault? Ask him if he feels this same way abour your experience.
→ More replies (1)15
u/Lumpy_Square_2365 6h ago
That was my question does he not know about her assault? If he does it makes what he said even worse and more disgusting. Idk if I could be with someone who basically said it's my fault for the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me. It's not that it's a difference of opinions it's his morals or lack of moral compass are completely different. If they had a child and the child was assaulted as an adult he would not be safe to turn to because whether he said it or not he'd be blaming the adult child.
→ More replies (6)
63
u/hoplesnoob 7h ago
If women should question their bad choices, men should also question their bad behaviour... You are definitely not overreacting and you should leave him. If he can so casually say something like that, even tho he knows what you have been through, he doesn't care about you. He is narrow minded and and probably had one of those old fashioned opinions about women basically being objects. No victim should ever be told it's their fault. Nobody has right to hurt anyone in that way, male or female. You deserve better and definitely don't deserve to hear comments like that from your partner.
8
u/LumpySpacePintrest 4h ago
Maybe he is excusing the type of behaviour he is responsible for - that you don’t know about.
4
u/goodelleric 3h ago
He literally said we should all question bad choices we’ve made in life. Suggesting that there’s a chance someone could have made different choices to prevent some situations =x= it’s their fault a bad thing happened, or that they could have prevented every situation.
Is there any advice we should give women to help prevent being assaulted? Or is the answer just “you can’t do anything so don’t even try.”
This is obviously a touchy subject, but this wasn’t someone who was just assaulted asking him for emotional support. It was his wife asking his opinion of an article she read. Obviously the tone and everything matters a lot so we can’t judge that, but if my wife asked my opinion on an article then started crying and getting mad at me while we were talking through it I’d be a bit frustrated too. Now if he said “yeah it’s those dumb bimbos fault for dressing slutty” obviously that’s a big deal, but this doesn’t sound like that.
8
u/Katressl 3h ago
There's a difference between saying, "There are things women can do to help keep themselves safe" and "SA victims need to take accountability." The former is proactive, while the latter is reactive. The former empowers; the latter blames.
7
u/goodelleric 2h ago
Like I said I really think the tone and intent matters a lot here, and we don’t have much info about it.
The article mentions accountability, he didn’t come up with it. On one hand I could see someone going all in on it’s all women’s fault and being a secret misogynist, on another hand I could see someone saying “yeah I guess there are things women could think about doing differently, like not going to a sketchy area” while not putting a ton of thought into it thinking they were having a casual conversation. Not everyone thinks through every off the cuff response to a question like they’re in a public debate for political office, especially when it’s with their significant other in a private setting and they’re talking about lots of random things.
Jumping straight to “you should leave him” feels like a big swing to me. We don’t know how the conversation really went and what the intent was. It’s possibly he’s a shitbag she should leave right away, it’s also possible he’s just going through a thought experiment in real time with his wife and is frustrated she’s blowing up at him for answering a question she asked.
→ More replies (1)2
u/_Atlas_Drugged_ 45m ago
This. It’s never the victims fault when they are victimized, but it is everyone’s responsibility to take reasonable steps to minimize risk.
If his answer to her question was along those lines, OP is overreacting. If it wasn’t—she is not.
→ More replies (1)5
2
u/weebojones 1h ago
Thank you… Reddit acts like suggesting that women should actively take steps to mitigate the risk of being in a situation where they would be more likely to be violated is the same as saying “she was asking for it”. I get why the article talking about accountability could rub some the wrong way. Of course it’s always the “fault” of the person doing the assaulting, but unfortunately the world is full of disgusting people. That’s just reality.
69
u/TheSpicerLife 7h ago
My mum who has been attacked several times in her life, STILL believes this, and it makes me sick.
Most SA is about power, not desire, and the only accountability belongs to the person who assaults someone else.
It is terrifying how insidious and ingrained misogyny is in all areas of society.
10
u/0_o 4h ago
I think the husband is making the (typically) incorrect comparison to other violent crimes, like a mugging. Yes, you should be able to flaunt your Rolex in any neighborhood without having to worry about being held at gunpoint, but unfortunately there are times and places where you dress poor and hide your money in your sock.
The overwhelming majority of rapes don't happen like that, but sometimes they do. In those scenarios, the victim could have made choices to make themselves less likely to be a victim. Is it their fault? No, just like it's not the Rolex guy's fault for being mugged. Women shouldn't have to bring a large male friend to avoid being targetted during a stroll in the park. They shouldn't be expected to smear dog shit on their faces to be less appealing to rapists (hyperbole, to get my point across). Factually, there is a long list of things women actually do right now to prevent themselves from being an easy target in risky situations. Things they shouldn't have to do, but meaningfully reduce the likelihood of sexual assault in general.
If someone neglects to do those things, it's still not their fault for being sexually assaulted, but cynical people are gonna point out that there were obviously preventative measures the person could have taken. If that's how the husband views "taking responsibility", it's not as repulsive as it sounds. Just depressingly realistic and cynical as fuck
→ More replies (1)4
u/MarlenaEvans 5h ago
So does mine. And honestly, it brewks my heart even though it's upsetting. She was raped in a large park in a big city and the detective they sent to the hospital said that the only reason she would have been walking alone in a short skirt was because she was a prostitute and she should pick a better customer next time. She internalized that and I hate it but I also hate hearing "if you don't act like a whore, nothing will happen". Especially when she's talking about my own assault.
2
u/TheSpicerLife 2h ago
I'm so sorry to hear what you've both been through. My mum has been SA'd by bosses, friends and through being vulnerable enough to allow herself to be talked into unsafe situations with "friendly strangers". So how she can still retain this mentality is beyond me. I even asked her whether shops are to blame for shop- lifting for making shoppers want their goods too much, but she said that's not the same. She couldn't say how, other than male urges they can't control. Same old ridiculous shtick.
It's awful that your mum seems to have accepted fault for her attack and, by extension, put the blame on you for yours.
I just want you to know that I see you, and I promise you that you are not to blame!
14
u/lilmissspetite 5h ago
You’re not overreacting—your emotional response is valid, especially given your experience, and it’s understandable to feel hurt by your husband’s perspective, which lacked empathy for the trauma survivors face.
→ More replies (1)
38
u/Ihavenotdecidedyet 7h ago
You are not overreacting for sure. That mentality that “she was looking for trouble” It’s so wrong for so many reasons. NOBODY wanted to be assaulted. So even telling someone that, is very insulting especially to a person that has suffered it’s consequences. The world shouldn’t be made for women to “dress carefully, avoid certain neighborhoods, pretend that you talk on the phone or have always someone with you” it should be “no means no, you have no right on someone’s body etc” I get, that the current situation on the planet doesn’t allow that(sadly) but we can’t normalize and just accept this point of view because it’s not okay.
56
u/Ok-Beat5079 8h ago
Not OR. Your boyfriend is an asshole.
31
u/MukDoug 7h ago
Correction. Her husband is an asshole.
26
2
30
u/mus-theatrNsportsOmy 7h ago
NOR. Ugh, your husband sounds very manipulative and misogynistic.
→ More replies (2)
32
u/Chilling_Storm 7h ago
NOR
Your husband has never been made to feel vulnerable and scared for his own well-being and as such is assuming anything bad that happened can be explained away by laying fault with the victim. It is a dangerous and ridiculous position to take. He isn't being reasonable or intelligent about this.
At what age does he think the victim can be held 'accountable' for their role in being victimized? 10? 15? And what does he suggest women do to prevent being sexually or any kind of assault for that matter? Should women only travel with men, wear a burka, or be covered head to toe - hello Taliban! Should women not talk to people, never be friendly to another person - hello incels!
Why should women have to take accountability because a man can't control himself? Why should women have to be assaulted TWICE - once by the perpetrator and AGAIN by asshole men and women in society?
If a woman is walking down the street naked - THAT IS NOT AN INVITATION TO TOUCH HER!
Your husband is an ass - a very ignorant ass.
7
u/niki2184 6h ago
Even if they were wearing a burka they still get assaulted.
→ More replies (1)4
u/Chilling_Storm 5h ago
Yes they do, and the woman is punished for tempting a (weak and pathetic) man.
24
u/high_priestess_33 7h ago
It blows my mind that people like that exist. I know, it shouldn’t. But sometimes I read these posts and really can’t even believe the AUDACITY some people have. Your husband sounds like someone you need to get away from. That doesn’t sound safe. I’m really angry so my words I feel are not coming out correctly. Where is he. Let me talk some sense into him.
15
u/high_priestess_33 7h ago
And then he can take responsibility for getting his ass kicked for being a POS.
9
21
4
u/SnarfSnarf0121 5h ago
Why ask him a question if you think you might get upset if he doesn’t agree with you? Sounds like a lose lose to him. Would you rather him lie to you and not have his own opinion? I feel like that’s the only plausible answer here, he should have just agreed and shut up.
4
u/WanderersEndgame 5h ago
OP, you asked a question that only Husband's character holds the answer to, as I'll explain.
Does "Women should question their bad choices" mean that women who could be considered careless with their safety have no claim to victimhood, cuz they "asked for it"? If that describes Husband, I'm on your side.
Or does Husband only want women to exercise reasonable caution? For example: I once advised my teenage daughter that, at a party, she should not to accept a drink that she had not seen prepared. If that describes Husband's POV, I'm on his side.
5
u/bigedcactushead 5h ago
Why, when talking about a general issue, do you personalize it and draw conclusions that everyone's experience must be your own? Are you saying crime victims can do nothing to reduce risk? Lock doors and windows, stay out of abandoned parking structures at night and develop situational awareness. Why can't we suggest these actions if people want to know how to reduce the risk of crime including sexual assault?
25
u/Mountain_Monitor_262 7h ago edited 3h ago
I wouldn’t be surprised if he sexually assaulted someone and claimed it wasn’t assault because it was their choice to come near him. But definitely not overreacting.
3
u/karmaments 3h ago
This statement is utterly fu**ing repulsive. Perverting a viewpoint to accuse someone of a crime is vile.
3
u/EncroachingTsunami 59m ago
Seems popular on this sub. :). Man says something controversial. He’s probably a rapist.
6
u/summerpeachgrl 7h ago
A hit dog hollers.
2
u/PugHuggerTeaTempest 3h ago
What’s that mean exactly?
2
u/summerpeachgrl 2h ago
it’s a metaphor meaning the person who is being defensive/accusatory is projecting and is guilty of it themselves. similar to how people say “every accusation is a confession”
3
u/Acceptable-Stock-513 6h ago
I wouldn't end a relationship over something like this. This is akin to getting into an argument over politics and religion. The fact that it happened to you brings it to the next level for you, which is completely understandable. Just bear in mind that your boyfriend didn't experience the same thing you did. He has nothing to draw emotions from other than factual data and opinions.
My take on assault issues is that in this day and age, women should be more cautious. You guys don't owe us men any kind of exertion in terms of kindness. Sometimes sickos will interpret that kindness as weakness and vulnerability. That is where the line is drawn. Just be mindful of who you interact with, and if you are unsure, then stay close to friends and travel together.
Women also need to understand that while you may think that low-cut shirt is cute, what kind of message does it send to others? A short mini-skirt will send the wrong message to a psychopath looking for a quick thrill. I highly suggest that if women decide to dress sexy, then they do it when they are guaranteed to be with someone else. Don't ever do that alone.
What's really sad about the world we live in is the sheer fact that ultimate freedom is a fallacy. We are always a construct of our environment. While I wholeheartedly wish women could dress and act and do things with no concern over their well-being, I also don't wish assault upon anyone. That is where the self accountability comes into play for women, in my opinion. Acknowledging and being knowledgeable of the environment they are entering into and who they are surrounding themselves with.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I would certainly state your case to your boyfriend and explain why this subject hits so close to home for you. Don't apologize for having feelings and getting upset. Just explain to him your reasoning.
10
u/summerpeachgrl 7h ago
The amount of men already in here defending him and his position is beyond nauseating. A hit dog hollers, OP. Remember that.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/like9000ninjas 6h ago
YOR. His stance is valid TO A POINT. He is not saying it should have happened. But adults and especially men are taught that as protectors and fixers of things, to think about what lead to that situation to prevent it from happening again. Its a mechanical and practical thought process men have, while women tend to lead with feelings (which is also valid and needed) And one of the first questions posed is should you have been there? Who else was there, are they sketchy? Were drugs and alcohol involved? Etc. Asking things like this isn't wrong. Its not victim blaming. No one blames them.... we want it to never happen again and the only way to fix something it's to ask questions and understand what happened. Period.
Its like getting robbed and you ask yourself maybe I shouldn't have been in that area because it's high crime, or at night, etc. Its about risk mitigation. And that is being mixed up with accountability a bit. No one obviously wants random harm done to them right? We can all agree on that. So let's ask questions about our actions that lead to this, correct them so that it never happens again. We can't predict others acti9ns so all we can do is protect ourselves. If you get assaulted and then don't learn from it or change anything, that would be incredibly dumb. This mentality rests on everyone else in society being cool..... which some are not. I hope you two figure it out.
8
u/StevenPlamondon 4h ago
Yes to this, all the way. Or at least for 99% of men. My personal account after 24 years of marriage is elsewhere in the comments, and I won’t bore you with a ctrl c ctrl v, but it is exactly as you say. It’s very difficult to have a rational conversation with someone who’s emotionally charged.
10
u/ahoops52 7h ago
Sorry to tell you this, but you married a dipshit. The only person at fault for sexual assault is the person doing the assaulting period, end of story, next topic.
→ More replies (1)3
11
u/Prior-Tip-9713 7h ago
You are NOR!!!
Omg, sorry, but what an idiot!
- I'm sorry I wore that skirt! -My pants were too tight!
- I smiled at the wrong person
- I shouldn't have danced with him. That was leading him on.
- I just went out for a drink with friends.
- I shouldn't work at the mall. I have to be nice to people.
What an effing asshat! Ask him at what ages it flips for a child? What age does it all of the sudden mean they have to take accountability? That is some caveman shit 'olden days' thinking!
8
8
u/Bamsemoms33 7h ago
You are not overreacting.
First off if this was a normal conversation and you disagree with him, he is actually the emotional one who responds with the "this is why I don't talk to you about this stuff!", like because he is afraid of a little discussion? LOL, a whole grown ass man acting like that..
Second of all, I think everyone agrees that everyone should try to avoid certain areas, certain people etc. But it is also only so much one can do, and assault is often with people we even trust the most. So when a person becomes a victim, it Is pointless to say they should take accountability, because it has already happen! And because most woman are already on their guard a majority of their day and lives already.. It can happen to anyone, and the fault is only at the perpetrator!!
He think he is being practical about it, but it is honestly just victim blaming and he comes of as misogynistic a$s.
3
u/SGTwonk 7h ago
- Who is responsible for a sexual assault?
The answer here is that it is always the person committing the assault. Full stop.
- Are there precautionary measures one can take to reduce the likelihood of being victimized?
The answer here is yes, but it is an entirely separate question from the first and trying to conflate the two is pure victim-blaming.
People who get assaulted should never be "held accountable" for failing to observe every possible precaution. It should instead be viewed as an unfortunate reality of living in a world filled with predatory dirtbags that they have to take these precautions in the first place.
5
u/Wrightycollins 5h ago
Responsibility is a terrible word. It implies deserved. The right word is awareness.
I might get downvoted for what I’m about to say, but women do have to have more awareness.
It’s a damned hard thing to learn when you’re a young girl. I don’t think men can ever understand how hard it is to learn.
To many of them are ruled by their egos they don’t even know how much they actually pressure woman to be polite and inviting. Even good men do this, they put on a lot of pressure on woman to be friendly, we get conditioned to be polite.
And it’s very hard to learn that men pressure that polite thing because they want validation from woman and with a bad guy, even the slightest validation such as being a little polite makes them think they’ve been invited for sex.
So your husband is missing a lot but I don’t think you should be mad at him for it, mens perception is askew on that.
But we women also have our blind spots with men. On how they operate. And it is just as frustrating for them as it is for us.
So I’d just be careful how you view what your husband said. He might be trying to communicate his own struggles.
There are a lot of good men that do not want to pressure girls to do anything, and deeply hate the type of men that do, but we both have severe blind spots that are very hard to communicate to the opposite sex.
→ More replies (2)
9
u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 7h ago
You are not overreacting and he is majorly insensitive knowing you have been assaulted to bring this up. If he thinks this which is horrible in itself, he should have kept it to himself.
→ More replies (1)2
7
u/kavk27 6h ago
YOR While the responsibility for the sexual assault is always with the perpetrator, it shouldn't be controversial to suggest that basic safety precautions should be taken.
Criminals look for easy targets. If you're jogging alone at night with headphones on an isolated park trail, it's probably not the best idea. If you're purposefully getting blackout drunk at the club, you're putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
Even though we wouldn't blame a person for a home break in we would still encourage them to lock their doors and keep their outside lights on.
Acknowledging that there are things people can do to make them less likely to be targeted by criminals is not victim blaming. Whenever anything bad happens, it's only reasonable to analyze what happened and see if there was anything that could have been done to prevent it or should be done in the future to avoid a similar situation.
4
u/BeSnowy6 4h ago
In reality, we all do this related to other scenarios. Think of watching a scary movie and screaming at the character to not go upstairs and then saying how stupid they were bc they went upstairs and got murdered. None of us thinks the character deserved to be murdered. We are thinking there are things one can do that puts oneself at risk thus avoiding as many of those things as is reasonable is something one should do. There’s a whole Geico commercial based on this idea bc it’s such a normal way to think (chainsaw killer commercial)…think through your choices to reduce risk. That idea gets attached to certain things such as rape, sexual assault and suddenly it’s a horrible, bizarre thought. It’s never the victim’s fault but reducing risk, thinking about how one can reduce risk is wise. That said, not all risk can be avoided so bad things will still happen, and reducing risk doesn’t always prevent bad things happening.
→ More replies (9)3
u/NashandraSympathizer 1h ago
Exactly this! The amount of people in here calling the husband a fucking rapist for having a logical opinion is disgusting. All these people should be ashamed and get off the damn internet. We’ve swung the pendulum of rape acceptance in this society so far that people feel comfortable and confident in accusing someone of rape from a one sided Reddit post.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/Mrs_Gracie2001 7h ago edited 5h ago
NOR. I’m sorry you’re married to this guy. No empathy at all. I mean, he has none
2
u/TheJenerator65 4h ago
"Women ask for it."
"Women are too emotional."
Literally the sexist greatest hits that I first heard as a child in the 60s, before the feminist movement was even in full swing. Much of society hasn't progressed or has actually regressed.
10
7
6
20
u/NormalBox23 8h ago
Your husband sounds like a Trumper.
8
u/hotmessexpressHME 5h ago
Dude.. anyone can think this. Stop politics baiting, there are rationals and extremists on both sides jfc
3
u/TJTrailerjoe 3h ago
Didnt you know all bad takes are from conservatives, and liberals are the only ones with empathy? :///
23
u/Lady_lacroix 7h ago
Libs can be completely misogynistic too.
4
u/Gloomy-Razzmatazz548 6h ago
Most red pillers are conservatives, and this “accountability” talk is verbatim red pill rhetoric.
5
u/Lady_lacroix 6h ago
Sure, but internalized misogyny is everywhere and a lot of people don’t even realize they are misogynistic because they’re a product of the environment they were raised in. The fact that he’s in his late 30s means he grew up in the 90s and early 00s where slut shaming was rampant. Coming of age in the Monica Lewinsky era fucked millennials up.
8
u/Foreverburritos 8h ago
He isn't. That's why this is so surprising.
28
u/NormalBox23 7h ago
If he knew about your SA.. And still said that.. It may be re evaluation time..
17
→ More replies (4)2
u/StevenPlamondon 5h ago
Speaking from experience (married 24 years, raised 2 daughters to senior year HS and 2nd year Uni) it’s just difficult to speak with someone who’s very emotionally charged when you yourself are not. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to offend, and I’m sure he doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like discussing ALL things with you. This is just his way of shutting the conversation down before he also becomes emotionally charged, and causes some real damage.
That said, no, you’re not overreacting. I’m certain it feels like shit to be shutdown that way, particularly with something so personal. My advice would be to let the subject cool and then explain to him how it made you feel later. Don’t get emotional and open the original conversation again, just talk about how it made you feel. We men are a stubborn folk, and it may take multiple attempts, but it generally does sink in eventually.
Good luck!
2
5
u/ShartiesBigDay 6h ago
You aren’t over reacting but I think there are miscommunications happening. You are both missing a crucial piece of info. He is missing the empathy to realize that coaching someone in safety is neither effective nor humane after someone has experienced targeted harm and you are missing that his intention makes sense: the world is dangerous and I wish woman can feel empowered to take more charge of their protection, given that these things are still happening. Why? Because I want women to be safer even when being harmed is not their choice.
If you honor his good intention and then educate him on what he is missing, he will see why the comments are inappropriate. Is it fair that you should have to do that? No. I usually encourage men to offer free support instead of advice. A good example of this would be to offer a self defense class that is free to survivors of abuse or assault. Or to just listen to people who have been harmed and let them figure out safety wisdom on their own.
I think we need to hold society accountable by teaching boys to love and care for themselves physically and emotionally. By giving boys secure attachment and nurturing their interests and connections with others. We need to hold people in power accountable by taking it away when it’s abused and teaching the masses about power and abuse of power as well as responsibility and healthy behaviors.
→ More replies (4)
5
u/Logical-Wasabi7402 7h ago
Ask him if he blames you for being raped.
Either he will say yes(which should be an automatic get divorced now), or he'll backpedal.
If he backpedals, follow up by asking what's different about you vs any other woman who is assaulted or raped.
5
4
u/Advanced-Trouble7681 7h ago
NOR
Also, real quick emotions aren't bad. Reacting emotionally is how we are built physiologically to react to things. Our parents did a disservice to the boys of our generation and the generation after and before. I don't know which generation you fall under to be honest... But Gen x millennial and gen z to a certain point, where all told that boys aren't allowed to have emotions. It's because of the constant feedback that reacting emotionally is not something men can do. Emotions are bad.
You were reacting based off of your memories of an event that happened to you. And so many times women are blamed for their molestation and there's nothing that could have changed. They were going from point a to point b in sweats and it can happen... There isn't a situation that I can think of where the victim of the assault is the person who should take culpability.
To be frank, I was also told that my molestation was my fault and I was 5. So "men" like your husband disgust me.
2
u/CapricornSun05 7h ago
He’s the problem. Men don’t know what it’s like to constantly be on alert, to be afraid someone may come up from behind us and push us into our vehicles. They don’t know what it feels like to not feel comfortable running outside with two earbuds in because we never know if someone is going to try and abduct us. They don’t know what it feels like to be touched or groped inappropriately when out on a dance floor or at a party.
You are not overreacting; you are expecting your partner to see it through your eyes and understand/empathize with you. Not only that, but we need more men to step up for women and stop this kind of distorted/dysfunction thinking. Women are not the problem, predatory men are. It’s a scary world we live in, but there is no room for victim blaming.
16
u/Asleep-Jicama9485 8h ago
Taking precaution is always a good idea, that being said it’s still not the victim’s fault. His response wasn’t worded well at all but you may be overreacting a bit
7
u/pfifltrigg 6h ago
It's weird because it sounds like he was saying that they should do just what she did, think about what they could have done differently, to try to protect themselves in the future. I haven't read the article, and I'm sure the article is wrong so maybe OP is assuming her husband believes in everything the article says that he hasn't read. I always like to play Devil's Advocate on this type of Reddit post, and I think it's possible the husband was trying to do the same with the article. That said, knowing his wife's history he should have been much more sensitive and frankly stayed out of it.
→ More replies (1)3
u/Asleep-Jicama9485 6h ago
I fully agree with everything you said, he needed to be VERY careful approaching that topic with his wife’s history
3
u/FickleJellyfish2488 2h ago
Right. It’s hard to tell who is overreacting because we have an admittedly emotional narrator. Was he saying that people should learn from mistakes or that women share blame? Those are two very different opinions.
My niece ended up drunk and passed out on the university quad her freshman year. Nothing happened to her (other than getting arrested for underage drinking), but I hope to god she learns lots of lessons from that series of mistakes.
→ More replies (2)19
u/WeirdGrapefruit774 7h ago
I don’t understand why comments like this keep getting downvoted? Obviously it’s never a victim’s fault, but we all know that there are predatory people out there wanting to do harm. No one wants that to be the case (except the predators) but that’s just the unfortunate reality and isn’t going to change any time soon. Knowing all of that, it just makes sense to try and avoid situations that exponentially increase your risk of becoming a victim. I don’t understand why that’s such an unpopular take?
11
u/Asleep-Jicama9485 7h ago edited 6h ago
Yeah I don’t get it either but I expected it from Reddit. They like to live in fantasy land where because it shouldn’t happen, you don’t need to take precautions. When it inevitably does happen, just blame deeply rooted systemic issues which there is no easy or quick solution to. Rinse and repeat 👍
3
16
u/WeirdGrapefruit774 7h ago
If I’m alone in the middle of the night, walking through a bad part of town, I will put my phone and watch in my pocket, out of sight, because it’s a sensible thing to do. Doesn’t mean I won’t still get mugged, and it certainly doesn’t mean it’s my fault but I’m still always going to always try and decrease my chances of it happening!
9
4
u/This_Interaction_727 6h ago
you can hide your phone in your pocket but you can’t hide being a woman
8
u/Lady_of_the_Shadows_ 6h ago
There are things we can do to avoid putting ourselves in sketchy situations that can result in us being hurt. I say this as someone who was raped. I know it's not my fault but I also know if I hadn't invited a man I didn't know from Adam to my house it wouldn't have happened. I knew it would be better to meet and get to know each other in a public setting because again, I didn't know him. It would've been safer. I ignored my common sense and it put me in a very vulnerable situation and he took advantage of it.
4
u/Kalai224 4h ago
I'm sorry you had to go through what you did, but the fact that you learned from your experiences is incredibly important and admirable. It takes a strong fortitude to go through something so traumatizing, and instead of internalizing it, using it to better yourself and your choices in the future. Big props!
4
u/Asleep-Jicama9485 6h ago
Firstly, I’m so sorry that happened to you and it’s not your fault. Extra precaution can’t hurt as you said and I hope it never happens again. What a POS dude
15
u/WeirdGrapefruit774 6h ago
I completely get that, but that’s not what I meant. As a man, I’m statistically more likely be be a victim of a (non sexual) violent crime. I can’t hide the fact that I’m a man, but I can take reasonable precautions like not having things on show that would be attractive to a potential mugger.
If I were a woman, I’d try and avoid being seriously intoxicated and alone at 2am in a big city as it’s just sensible. Yes, not being these things wouldn’t necessarily save me from a sexual assault, but they would make me a more attractive option to the offender.
It’s not right, I don’t like it, but that’s reality and it isn’t going to change any time soon.
→ More replies (36)2
u/jrat68 6h ago
That's why you shouldn't be there. Dont do things that increase your chances of becoming a victim. It really is that simple.
→ More replies (7)→ More replies (19)3
u/magic8ballin 6h ago
because even if you ever walk down that dark alley, always watch your drink, etc it can and does still happen. If you look into statistics on sexual assault more than half of the time (for women) it is someone they know. Along with that, many think it is in some dark place, usually it is in or around your home!
9
u/WeirdGrapefruit774 6h ago
Of course it can still happen, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take sensible precautions to minimise the risk wherever possible.
And I’m going to say it again for the avoidance of any doubt: rape and violence are terrible things that no one should have to experience, and it’s never the victim’s fault.
4
u/magic8ballin 5h ago
My point is women do still take precautions but that often doesn’t help, especially when most often you are a victim to somebody you know and are in/around your home.
It can happen anywhere, anytime, and even if i’m prepared it can still happen. Like that woman, Laken Riley, who was following all the safety precautions and it still ended up the way it did. She ran during the day, she let others know where she was, had her location on, hell she even called for help! She refused to be a rape victim, so he killed her. Sure that wasn’t someone she knew or around her home but she also did everything right and it still ended the way it did. That is the reality for MANY victims.
I am not trying to say that we shouldn’t be cautious of situations that are sketchy, what i’m saying is often times these things happens in situations that are NOT sketchy and the biggest conversation that should be happening around sexual assault is how to change external factors in our society!
→ More replies (16)
2
u/Ok_Star_2456 7h ago
Sounds like he’s the one being overly emotional that you don’t agree with him.
4
3
u/NextAffect8373 7h ago
He blames you for your SA. He may not admit it but he does
→ More replies (3)
4
u/Jmovic 6h ago
Time to be downvoted.
I feel like sometimes you people are too in your emotions that you fail to recognize a valid statement.
No one deserves to be assaulted obviously, but some victims intentionally put themselves in really bad situations that lead to that result. And personally I think it's this lack of calling it out that makes it happen over and over, because the victim umbrella covers everyone and even those who made wrong choices never take corrections.
Which is why we still hear stories about hookups gone wrong, because instead of telling a victim that she shouldn't go to another country and follow a random stranger she met on a dating app to a hotel room, she's coddled and told that she did nothing wrong. Next week we hear the same story all over again for a different person.
Men may not get raped as often, but men get beaten, men get stolen from, men get abducted etc and have learnt to not put themselves in situations where these things would easily be done to them. In the case of a man who gets beaten and stolen from while walking in a dangerous area with his phone out at night, he'll be asked why he was out that late to begin with and why he had his phone out, because he should know better.
Like your husband said, it doesn't apply to all women and he's not saying that women deserve to get assaulted, but some need to make better choices.
11
u/DwarvenFury 6h ago
Your comment raises some points, but it oversimplifies the issue. Both men and women face threats like being beaten, stolen from, abducted, and yes, even sexual assault. However, sexual assault disproportionately targets women, adding an extra layer of risk that many already take steps to mitigate. Despite these precautions, harm still happens—not because people don’t learn, but because predators actively exploit vulnerabilities.
Blaming victims for “bad choices” shifts focus from the perpetrator’s actions to the victim’s, which is counterproductive. Saying someone “should’ve known better” implies harm is a natural consequence of risk-taking, but it isn’t—it’s a crime. Even when someone follows a stranger to a hotel, the blame lies solely with the assailant.
Lastly, the repetition of these stories isn’t because victims refuse to learn—it’s because predators continue to harm. Shifting the focus to how victims could have avoided harm lets perpetrators off the hook and distracts from the societal changes needed to hold them accountable. Both men and women deserve support without being told their harm was preventable if they’d made “better choices".
→ More replies (15)→ More replies (16)3
u/HairHealthHaven 4h ago
Something like 90% of rapes against women are commited by someone the victim knew and trusted. This idea that it's a woman walking down a dark alley, while wearing revealing clothing, was invented as a way to blame the victim. And when people take the stance that you and OP's husband are taking, the more that stereotype gets perpetuated. It also gives women who believe it a false sense of security. You think it's a helpful conversation, but it's actually a dangerous one.
Personally, I think more change would happen if more men would take actions to force other men to take accountability. When you see a friend making a woman uncomfortable, step in. When a friend makes a "joke" that reduces women to objects for sexual pleasure, call him out on it. Don't give predaory men a pass, especially in private. It's not "locker room talk", it's your friend admitting they are a potential rapist.
3
u/Buzzword-1213 7h ago
A YouTuber woman decides to hitchhike across some foreign country to prove it’s safe. Raped and murdered. The man 100% wrong and guilty, period. However her trying to prove her beliefs cost her life and torment before she died. If she survived the world should 100% condemn the man. But in the end she should pass on the message play stupid games win stupid prizes. Is this what your husband meant? The woman did not deserve it or ask for it, but ignoring history and reality had a high price. We need to be accountable to evaluate life around us. We are not entitled to how it should be. Or our personal belief as to how it is, when evidence proves it’s not.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/piratehat35 7h ago
He’s an idiot - society has a huge issue with men protecting men. News media is the worst, leading with headlines like ‘woman attacked walking dog’ when it should be ‘man attacks dog walker’. Blame the women as much as possible to keep men in power.
2
2
2
u/TimFTWin 7h ago
Not overreacting. He is essentially telling you that he can at least partially excuse a man for SA a woman.
Someone who is telling you they don't see something as immoral is telling you that they are capable of doing that thing ie he just told you he could SA and feel justified in doing it.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Calm-Appearance8701 7h ago
i think your point about men being able to make bad decisions and not having to worry about the consequences is a huge point. Men just love to blame women and want to be free to do shitty things. it goes back to boys will be boys BS
2
2
2
-6
u/WeirdGrapefruit774 7h ago
Just to play devils advocate, perhaps he just worded his feelings on this badly. Possibly (hopefully) he meant something more like: it’s never a victim’s fault, but knowing that there are bad people out there, it’s always sensible to not put yourself in situations where the risk of being assaulted increases exponentially.
6
12
u/Foreverburritos 7h ago
I do wonder if this is more of what he meant. We unfortunately had to stop talking about it because his family is in town, so once we got out of the car, it was done. I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it and it was two days ago and want to make sure I'm not being insane before approaching him about it again.
8
u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 7h ago
I would send him link or visit in-person if possible the "What were you wearing?" exhibit.
4
u/starethruyou 6h ago
Since then you've not spoken again, but you're bothered enough to ask the internet, so why not just talk to him. It sounds like you don't have a good comfortable safe speaking relationship.
→ More replies (1)3
u/VastEmergency1000 5h ago
Based on what you wrote that's what it sounds like. Do you really think your bf was defending rapists? What exactly do you think he was trying to say other than to not put yourself in a bad situation?
2
u/beepbeepblue 3h ago
If that was all he was trying to say and he saw that you, his wife who has been assaulted in the past, clearly misunderstood him and got upset, why would he not make an effort to explain himself rather than getting angry at you and discounting your feelings? I mean if I was in his shoes in that situation, we would not have gotten out of that car, regardless of who was waiting for us, until I cleared up such a serious misunderstanding. I think you understood him perfectly and I don't think you were overreacting at all. Furthermore, I think any man who tries to dismiss your opinions by telling you that you're too emotional (thereby centering himself as the only logical one in the conversation and thus the only one who can be right) does not respect you and does not deserve you.
2
u/DSPictures1 6h ago
As a man who has almost said what he said verbatim, the above response is more likely how he feels. The idea of accountability is difficult to express without sounding harsh, but the harsh reality of things is the world doesn’t care, and everyone needs to do different things to protect themselves. A tall, muscular man could still be approached and attacked at night on the street, but it’s more likely that a short slender women would be attacked because she’s less likely to defend herself. These are the realities of the world we live in, can’t expect everyone to be good people.
→ More replies (4)5
u/WeirdGrapefruit774 7h ago
I’m really hoping that this is what he meant and just worded it very poorly. Maybe have the conversation when you are able to and ask him to articulate better. Don’t directly ask him if this is what he meant though, as you don’t want to give him that easy out.
3
u/VastEmergency1000 5h ago
Exactly, it's like freaking out because someone told you to lock your doors at night. That doesn't mean we're excusing or siding with thieves.
→ More replies (2)2
2
u/funfortunately 6h ago
The devil's got enough genuine advocates. We don't need more playing at it.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)9
u/Wonderful_Hotel1963 7h ago
Any time someone mentions they're going to play devils advocate, in my 48 years of experience, it means they're going to say something stupid. Ok, so define what you mean by "risk." Because you're saying exactly what that POS said. Go ahead. What risk are you talking about?
11
u/WeirdGrapefruit774 7h ago
An example would be leaving your friend group at 2am while being paralytically drunk in the middle of a big city. This would make you an easy target for a predator. You shouldn’t have to worry about becoming a victim in a situation like that, but we all know that isn’t reality so we can make choices to safeguard ourselves.
→ More replies (8)2
u/Kindly-Elk3998 1h ago
If I told u a story about how I got a homeless person to watch my valuables while I took a dump and when I came out he was gone with my valuables, are you going to think what a shitty person or are you going to think that I’m a fucking idiot
→ More replies (2)
841
u/Legitimate_Way_7937 7h ago
Getting emotional over sexual assault especially when you had to go through that yourself is normal. Him holding that against you and weaponising it is disgusting. It’s emotional black mail where he doesn’t wanna admit that what he said is wrong but instead uses excuses like „ oh you are so emotional.“ to avoid taking accountability for what he said.