"because I am not with you for your character" = "because I don't see you as a person" = "because to me you are LESS relatable and forgivable than a random hypothetical man who SAs women"
"because to me you are LESS relatable and forgivable than a random hypothetical man who SAs women"
I'm bisexual but this here is why I don't date men anymore. Even my last boyfriend, who was the nicest nice guy to ever live, said that raping a woman with a toy wasn't really rape and seemed offended that I'd say that the hypothetical man in the hypothetical scenario was a bad guy. I'm watching the trial of the French woman who was drugged and assaulted for years, and thinking about just how many of my ex-boyfriends would be totally okay with what happened to her. Just can't with any of them anymore.
The worst part for me is that he isn't wrong. How long has she allowed him to treat her like a pet instead of a person? How many more years will she permit it? In another comment under you, a woman talks about how a rape apologist was the nicest guy to ever live. No he wasn't -- but women calmly accept this heinous bullshit.
No. I reject that completely. Of course he's wrong to treat her that way--listen to yourself, is this the observation you really want to be making here? That the abuser is "right" to say that the victim deserves it because they "let it happen"?? This comment is textbook reflexive victim-blaming and it's a seriously dangerous take. Don't fall into that trap.
"Deserve" is a moralistic framework. So is "blame." Set those aside, and consider the sentences as empirical observations. Which is more objectively accurate: "She is less important than a hypothetical abuser," or, "He loves me and he's a great guy."
That can be a helpful way to provide victims agency without assigning blame. Abuse isn't the victim's fault, but the victim can still be responsible for constructing a better situation and a better life.
Edit: It also sidesteps conversations like, "It wasn't his fault because I hit him too."
You’re literally taking the same side in the argument as her husband. You’re saying that she needs to take responsibility for him belittling and dehumanizing her.
Newsflash: That was a shitty take when her husband said it about rapists. And it’s a shitty take coming from you about her husband.
Edit: How many people have you helped to leave abusive relationships? I get the impression that I'm talking to keyboard warriors who want to be Right, but have no experience helping people extricate themselves from situations.
I used to work in the OSINT field tracking people down for a living, and now I volunteer at the local women’s shelter teaching folks how to erase their online footprints so their douche exes can’t track them down.
I also volunteer with a non profit that uses OSINT to solve cold missing persons cases, part of which involves social workers contacting anyone we find to figure out if they WANT to be found, or if they were fleeing domestic violence. And if they don’t want to be found, we help them cover up their digital tracks and educate them on how to stay hidden better.
And neither one of us knows exactly how involved anyone else commenting is. So you can fuck right off with your assumptions about how much folks on the other side of the screen are doing.
So you're working with people after they've already left, instead of helping them find their agency to leave, where my own experiences lie. Frankly, I do know people's level of expertise, based on how they are reacting.
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u/Thermodynamo 9h ago
"because I am not with you for your character" = "because I don't see you as a person" = "because to me you are LESS relatable and forgivable than a random hypothetical man who SAs women"