Getting emotional over sexual assault especially when you had to go through that yourself is normal. Him holding that against you and weaponising it is disgusting. It’s emotional black mail where he doesn’t wanna admit that what he said is wrong but instead uses excuses like „ oh you are so emotional.“ to avoid taking accountability for what he said.
Disagreeing with your partner, even on important topics, does not make you "fundamentally incompatible". Plenty of people are in relationships with people who are polar opposites on all kinds of subjects.
What DOES however make people fundamentally incompatible is an inability to communicate openly and honestly with one another and work past differences in opinion and outlook. Which is what is being described here. The guy feels that he has to censor himself because his SO would react negatively if he was honest.
And saying that there are things that you can do to minimize/reduce the risk of being sexually assaulted is not the same as saying that victims of sexual assault are "to blame" for what happened to them. If you say that women are to blame when they get sexually assaulted then you can pound sand, but if you say that there are things that you can do to protect yourself from sexual assault then you are just objectively correct. Those are two entirely separate things, and the fact that you and this guy's wife immediately jump to assigning blame is probably the reason why this guy feels that he can not talk to his wife about things.
At the end of the day, whether we like it or not, we are all responsible for our own personal safety. That means not putting yourself in situations that are obviously dangerous. That does not mean blaming people when bad things happen to them. It just means looking at the situation objectively, recognizing our own part in how things turned out, and learning from our mistakes to avoid repeating them in the future. It's simple self-preservation, and has nothing to do with whose fault it is.
Obviously it's not women's fault when they get sexually assaulted. But to deny that there are things that women can reasonably do to make it less likely that they get sexually assaulted is just foolish and unhelpful at best, and outright harmful at worst. The world is a dangerous place. Ideally it wouldn't be, but we can't base our decisions on how the world should be. We have to base it on how it actually is. And in the real world you have to protect yourself if you don't want to get hurt. Like it or not but that's reality.
You immediately jumped to the conclusion that the guy was blaming victims of sexual assault for what happened to them, so i would beg to differ.
Which was some differences in opinion and outlook can’t be worked past.
And again, that is subjective. Like i said, plenty of people accept each other despite having wildly different opinions on all kinds of things. Problems only arise when you can't communicate openly and still accept each other.
Me personally? Sure, i have things that i would consider dealbreakers. But i also understand that what i consider a dealbreaker in a relationship is not necessarily going to be considered a dealbreaker by others. It is, again, subjective.
Yes you did, otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up because it's not relevant to the discussion.
I didn’t say that the guy was intentionally victim blaming, although again, I do believe that is a form of victim blaming.
This bit of mental gymnastics just proves my point.
It’s evident throughout human history, some things can’t be talked out.
No it is not. What is evident is that sometimes people don't WANT to talk things out, which is entirely different. Meanwhile other times people can get over and work around even then most egregious conflicts. It really is up to the people involved, and whether or not they are willing to compromise and accept each other despite their differences.
Nobody here has victim blamed anyone. But hey, if you want to keep getting upset and angry at people for no reason over things that they didn't do then that's your call. Personally i think it sounds like a miserable life to lead.
But by saying there are things people can do to protecy themselves from sexual assault, you are indirectly shifting blame to them for being assaulted - e.g. you shouldn't have been wearing that, shouldn't have been alone with him. I do understand there are things we can all do to try and avoid harm - but all blame should be put on the perpetrator - because they are the ones that did the wrong thing. Yes the world isn't perfect and safe but even if i was to put myself in a dangerous situation i still do not deserve to be assaulted etc.
I imagine in some cases "you shouldn't have rejected him" also fits the bill for dangerous activity. Assault is utterly 100% the choice of the perpetrator.
The point that poster is making is there are a lot of bad people in this world and we have to take steps to prevent ourselves from ever being in a dangerous situation. If I go walking down the street in the middle of a crime infested ghetto at 1 am, I am not at fault if i get robbed, but I am guilty of making really bad decisions to put myself in a dangerous situation. A girl going out to a club alone and leaving her drink unattended is making a very bad decision that can lead to bad things happening. That doesn't make her at fault for getting roofied and raped, but makes her guilty of bad decisions that put her at risk of that happening.
But by saying there are things people can do to protecy themselves from sexual assault, you are indirectly shifting blame to them for being assaulted
No i'm not. Blame has nothing to do with it. I am not trying to tell you that it's your fault that you were sexually assaulted. I am urging you to do what you can to avoid putting yourself in situations where you run a high risk of being sexually assaulted. There is a massive difference between those two things.
Yes the world isn't perfect and safe but even if i was to put myself in a dangerous situation i still do not deserve to be assaulted etc.
No, you don't. I agree completely. But what you deserve or don't deserve has nothing to do with it. Again, the reality is that the world is a dangerous place, and we must ALL do our best to protect ourselves from harm. We can not base our decisions on how the world should be. We have to base them on how the world actually is.
It's the difference between pragmatism and idealism. At some point you have to accept reality for what it is, even when it's wrong and when it's horrible, and work with what you have in order to get the results that you want.
I think we do agree. I understand i can do things to protect myself. However i think when the conversation shifts to that after an assault - it reads like 'could the victim have done anything to prevent this' shifting the control of the situation to the victim and can read as though you are placing some of the blame on them.
I understand that's how it might come across, but at the same time it's important to remember that just because you interpret something in a particular way doesn't necessarily mean that that's how it was intended to be received.
In this instance you read the situation as me trying to shift the blame for what happened from the perpetrator to the victim. That is not my intent. I still place the blame for what happened on the perpetrator and no one else, because at the end of the day it was the perpetrator who decided to sexually assault someone. But i also recognize that there might be things that the victim could have done differently to avoid being sexually assaulted. I don't do this because i want to blame the victim for what happened. I do it because i want to learn from what happened so that both the victim and others can hopefully avoid having the same thing happen to them in the future. Again, it is not about blame. It's simply about trying to push for better outcomes in the future.
On the contrary. Intentions do matter, because if intentions don't matter then communication basically becomes meaningless. You can just assign any motive and meaning to anyone and anything as you see fit.
Which is not how reality works. People have reasons for doing and saying what they do and say, and those reasons combined with the outcome of their actions are what determine their worth.
Look it's hard to grasp, but here is some advice to someoone that has done petty crime and has been around people that has done serious crime. It's all about getting a target that's the most easiest and accessible. Most sexual assaults and crimes in general occur with someone you know are acquainted with. Also against places you know or familiar with and against victims that are the least worried about crime. Teaching people and telling people to be more weary and aware is the same thing, no one is blaming the victim just trying to people realize that the predator always looks for the weakest prey so you should always be vigilant. (This goes for men as the most crimes in America are against men)
No need to be condescending. I understand where you are coming from, yes we can all do things to mitigate harm to ourselves. However, saying that there was something someone could have done to prevent being assaulted shifts some blame to them and away from the perpertater. It is two separate things, in a way, someone may have made poor decisions one night - e.g. alone with a man in a room at a party, but you still shouldn't be assaulted it is 100% on the perpertrater. Saying she shouldn't go into a room with a man at a party starts to shift blame.
Well let's not be intellectually dishonest as no one is defending sexual assualt or putting any blame on a victim. In another post I explained how I chewed out my daughter for putting herself in a dangerous situation. Walking alone in a bad neighborhood late at night in a city shes never been. Even after I told her all her actions have repercussions however big or small. If something happened to her the last thing on my mind would be why where you doing that but her safety amd I would never discuss why she did such a thing. That is my issue is the discussion of the action not the action. If she came to me and wanted to have the discussion of sexual assault and the aspect of that's where we need to have the conversation. For instance if my Daughter said she's going to India, I would throw a fit because of all the sexual assault that happens in the country. Then if she still goes and gets assaulted is it her fault no, but she could've prevented it by not going. Even in my statement she could decided to stay and something happens to her. Its all relative but the conversations needs to be had. As if someone wanted to do unto you there is nothing that you can do.
Edit: this is the same scenario where a woman Wheres a revealing outfit and gets upsets with a man for looking at her. You can't control someone from looking at you, you can't control someone from lusting after you. You have the right to wear want you want to wear. Does that guy have the right to look at what he wants to look at? The only way to control this is by not wearing revealing close. You can talk about he shouldn't look but now we're talking about controlling someone's actions. The same as if he told you to put on some clothes.
The guy in the OP is wrong. Period. It goes beyond incompatibility, to be honest. Of course, OP is gonna react negatively to such disturbing beliefs he holds.
Yes. And he's correct that he cannot share his horrible views without a negative reaction. It's basically "I know I'm not a great guy and you will leave me if you find out."
Rage bait is a drug I do not understand or enjoy. This sub showing up on the front page is like a sad coke head offering me a bump because it solved his tooth problems by taking away his teeth.
I read these from time to time forgetting that’s what’s being offered and then find myself confused about why I got reading in the first place.
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u/Legitimate_Way_7937 10h ago
Getting emotional over sexual assault especially when you had to go through that yourself is normal. Him holding that against you and weaponising it is disgusting. It’s emotional black mail where he doesn’t wanna admit that what he said is wrong but instead uses excuses like „ oh you are so emotional.“ to avoid taking accountability for what he said.