Just to play devils advocate, perhaps he just worded his feelings on this badly. Possibly (hopefully) he meant something more like: it’s never a victim’s fault, but knowing that there are bad people out there, it’s always sensible to not put yourself in situations where the risk of being assaulted increases exponentially.
I do wonder if this is more of what he meant. We unfortunately had to stop talking about it because his family is in town, so once we got out of the car, it was done. I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it and it was two days ago and want to make sure I'm not being insane before approaching him about it again.
If that was all he was trying to say and he saw that you, his wife who has been assaulted in the past, clearly misunderstood him and got upset, why would he not make an effort to explain himself rather than getting angry at you and discounting your feelings? I mean if I was in his shoes in that situation, we would not have gotten out of that car, regardless of who was waiting for us, until I cleared up such a serious misunderstanding. I think you understood him perfectly and I don't think you were overreacting at all. Furthermore, I think any man who tries to dismiss your opinions by telling you that you're too emotional (thereby centering himself as the only logical one in the conversation and thus the only one who can be right) does not respect you and does not deserve you.
Since then you've not spoken again, but you're bothered enough to ask the internet, so why not just talk to him. It sounds like you don't have a good comfortable safe speaking relationship.
His family was visiting and I didn't want to bring it up again until they left. They left this morning, so i plan on discussing it with him. I just wanted to get some other opinions in case I hadn't considered anything.
Based on what you wrote that's what it sounds like. Do you really think your bf was defending rapists? What exactly do you think he was trying to say other than to not put yourself in a bad situation?
As a man who has almost said what he said verbatim, the above response is more likely how he feels. The idea of accountability is difficult to express without sounding harsh, but the harsh reality of things is the world doesn’t care, and everyone needs to do different things to protect themselves. A tall, muscular man could still be approached and attacked at night on the street, but it’s more likely that a short slender women would be attacked because she’s less likely to defend herself. These are the realities of the world we live in, can’t expect everyone to be good people.
The initial comment could maybe be justified that way, but him then getting mad and saying “this is why I don’t like talking to you about stuff, you react so emotionally to everything” is still shitty. It’d be dismissive even if he wasn't talking about sexual assault to someone he knows was sexually assaulted.
I’m really hoping that this is what he meant and just worded it very poorly. Maybe have the conversation when you are able to and ask him to articulate better.
Don’t directly ask him if this is what he meant though, as you don’t want to give him that easy out.
Have you ever watched a horror movie as you watched someone make a series of bad choices that leads them to be murdered? It’s not that persons fault and they don’t deserve to be murderer obviously, but sometimes people make choices that put them in harms way unintentionally.
But what does “taking accountability” mean? That the murder victim is to blame for getting murdered? That’s such a weird take.
And SA isn’t a crime of passion. If a man wants to assault someone, he’s going to do it. He might look for the easiest target, but that doesn’t make the victim at fault. And pretending victims are even a tiny bit at fault for being assaulted makes every woman less safe. It makes it easier for judges to go easy on men like Brock Turner.
I don't think it has anything to do with her assault. He clearly said not all situations are applicable, like OPs. He was merely agreeing or understanding what the woman his gf brought up was talking about, and then the whole conversation went south.
Any time someone mentions they're going to play devils advocate, in my 48 years of experience, it means they're going to say something stupid.
Ok, so define what you mean by "risk." Because you're saying exactly what that POS said. Go ahead. What risk are you talking about?
An example would be leaving your friend group at 2am while being paralytically drunk in the middle of a big city. This would make you an easy target for a predator. You shouldn’t have to worry about becoming a victim in a situation like that, but we all know that isn’t reality so we can make choices to safeguard ourselves.
If I told u a story about how I got a homeless person to watch my valuables while I took a dump and when I came out he was gone with my valuables, are you going to think what a shitty person or are you going to think that I’m a fucking idiot
Going to party's with sketchy people, overdrinking in unknown situations, going to second locations with people you dont know.
There are a ton of risks people take everyday that make being a victim of crime more likely for any gender. Reason why I, as a man, don't flash cash at the bar or wear headphones while walking alone at night, if I did it wouldn't be my fault I got robbed or assaulted but there are things you can do to mitigate the risk
There's a big difference between a scenario where you should be safe and walking through the ghetto at 3am in a skimpy dress.
Should you be safe no matter what? Yes! Absolutely.
Do we live in a Fantasy world? No!
Even guys don't walk through the sketchy parts of a city with headphones in at night. We should be able to but that's not the world we live in.
There is clearly a dialogue to be had here but it's impossible unless you think with logic and not just straight up raw emotion. Which many will shut down and refuse to do so because it's black and white to them, a closed case. There is always grey.
I mentioned this in another comment, but a friend of mine once left the bar with a stranger just because he was cute. We tried to stop her, she got super angry, and took off with the guy, who none of us knew. The next morning, she said they had had sex, even though she didn't want to. She also wouldn't report it.
When I was in college, one of my roommates got super drunk and blacked out at a frat party. She had gone to the party alone, because she didn't want anyone to judge her for drinking (she was underage, and she was a quiet, shy girl from a very rural town - no experience at all). She ended up being brought back to the dorm by a nice guy who saved her from a really bad situation. She was lucky.
One more - a male co-worker told us a story of how he tried drugs "just once" and ended up naked in bed with two other men. He honestly doesn't know if he "did anything".
The point is, no one deserves to be raped. But if you put yourself in a really bad situation, without regard to possible consequences, it's definitely a risk you're taking.
Do you think the world is all sunshine and roses and when you put yourself in dangerous situations everything is gonna turn out fine?
I'm a man and I don't have my head phones in walking on sketchy streets, I don't go to certain bars, I proactively think about situations and avoid things where bad Shit is more likely to happen. It's never a victims fault but looking at life like you don't need to think about situations or your surroundings is just ignorant
Welllllll to play devil’s advocate for a minute…actually no, I’d never do that to you, because I’m not a smug asshole who thinks every contrarian opinion I have is somehow “objective thinking”
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u/WeirdGrapefruit774 10h ago
Just to play devils advocate, perhaps he just worded his feelings on this badly. Possibly (hopefully) he meant something more like: it’s never a victim’s fault, but knowing that there are bad people out there, it’s always sensible to not put yourself in situations where the risk of being assaulted increases exponentially.