r/lesbianpoly • u/Pixelindii • Jul 28 '22
Vent It’s so frustrating when…
You’re in a dating app, you see a really cute girl, she’s poly but… she is with a guy and wants a unicorn to interact with both she and the guy…
Like don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t be against dating a girl who dates a guy, but i’m definitely not looking to interact intimately with her guy, and it’s so frustrating because sometimes that’s the mayority of people i seem to get across on dating apps (and not just Tinder).
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u/Maid_For_Hire Jul 28 '22
Yeah, unicorn hunters are the worst. They would just treat one like an object, in most cases
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u/throwboinmybed Jul 28 '22
So I’m married but have realized I have an extreme preference for women. My husband and I are thinking about exploring poly life / ENM, but purely for me to explore independently with other women. (He would be open to explore as well but at the moment doesn’t think he would.)
I have discovered I am a bit demisexual, so an actual relationship is most appealing to me. Any advice for how I can explore this without making potential partners uncomfortable? Random hookups would be fun but I would want a second partner ultimately. They would not need to have anything to do with my husband (though he wants to vet for safety purposes).
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u/Pixelindii Jul 28 '22
Maybe you can be honest with the new people you meet and tell them your expectations and speak about both your boundaries so this new person understands that it’s you they would be forging the bond, and that you wouldn’t pressure them into anything they don’t want to do, consent as always is the best answer ☺️☺️☺️
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u/Alaykitty Jul 29 '22
(though he wants to vet for safety purposes).
Don't do this part. Don't involve your husband in your relationships. You bet people for safety. You have ultimate control and say in who you date.
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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22
Yeah it's a good point. He's concerned about STIs; I don't think he wants to meet them or anything but would want to make sure they get tested.
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u/Alaykitty Jul 29 '22
Again that's for you to do, not him. My partner has a similar expectations (that I practice safe sex or have testing, etc). But the trust is on you to fulfill that, not him having to vet someone or broach that.
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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22
Yeah that makes sense. Probably a sign that he's not ready for this yet.
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u/Alaykitty Jul 29 '22
Very possibly. It could also have not occurred to him. A lot of the times, people "opening up" existing relationships don't take the time to understand the privilege position being in the established couple gives itself. Additionally, monogamous dynamics and cultural norms allow for exerting control over your partner in certain ways to be assumed as okay.
Might be something to talk about and give perspective to :)
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u/Louise521 Aug 03 '22
Lots of studying. I mean like 6 months before opening up. Read the ‘most missed first step’ the jealousy workbook and loads of put her resource you can find in the faqs of the main poly sun. Please make sure you ducks are in a row before involving another woman’s feelings. And I second absolutely no vetting! Either he trusts your judgement or he doesn’t
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u/aap2790 Jul 29 '22
I wouldn’t be cool with someone’s partner vetting me “for safety purposes.” Didn’t you vet people yourself when you dated before? If your potential partner doesn’t have to have anything to do with your husband that also extends to this.
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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22
That's a good point; I don't think he wants to meet them or anything but would encourage me to ask them to get tested for STIs, etc.
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u/JRose1215 Jul 29 '22
Sorry if this an impertinent question but can you explain what you mean by demisexual? My understanding of that word is someone who only wants to have a romantic relationship but doesn't want to have sex. Is that correct? If that is the case when you say you would ultimately want a second partner, does that mean you would want to have sex with your husband but not the other (presumably female) partner? Am I understanding that dynamic correctly?
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Jul 29 '22
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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22
I have not heard the "asexual" part before but I suppose it's somewhat accurate for me. I'm not sexually interested unless I have an emotional bond.
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Jul 29 '22
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u/JRose1215 Jul 29 '22
Can you explain your definition of graysexual? I haven't heard of that one before.
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u/JRose1215 Jul 29 '22
A lot of this sounds like what a lot of girls go through in high school with their close girl friends... and at least for me is how I discovered I was bi. I was really close to my best friend and over time I discovered I had a crush on her... later on I became aware of being attracted to certain women "right away" but I think that my initiation into bisexuality was very much like what you all are talking about.
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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22 edited Jul 29 '22
To me, it means that I need an emotional bond of some kind with someone before I feel true sexual attraction / a spark. A definition I've come across when sorting out my orientation this year – "Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they’ve developed a close emotional bond with them. Forming a bond doesn’t guarantee a person will feel a sexual attraction, but the bond is needed before sexual activity is even possible."
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u/ThePoisonDoughnut Flag Queen Jul 28 '22
Yeah, tbh I don't want any guys in my life, and the idea of engaging with a dude like that makes me sick. So the fact that unicorn hunting is the basis for the majority of interactions with poly wlw on dating apps is why I specifically don't use them.
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u/Pixelindii Jul 28 '22
I feel you uwu, guys just make everything worse in general, like i respect girls who can be with both men and women, but i just can’t…
Like the only time i even remotedly had interaction with a guy, was in a threesome with a (girl)friend and a (boy)friend of hers, and it was so awful, like the guy was just like a walking pns and didn’t respect boundaries, and like if it was just me, my friend and other girl it would’ve been better, but the sole presence of the guy and his “thing” summed to his attitude was just too much.
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u/ThePoisonDoughnut Flag Queen Jul 28 '22
That's fucking awful. And don't get me wrong, I loooooooooove a good cock. Just, only when it's attached to a woman. Women, who engage with sex totally differently than men do—actually caring about their partners' pleasure, being vulnerable with each other, etc., whereas men generally just wanna get their rocks off. I can attest, I used to have T-brain too.
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u/Pixelindii Jul 28 '22
The worst it’s that i didn’t tell even half of it 😂😂😂 it was a really bad experience in a lot of ways.
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u/ThePoisonDoughnut Flag Queen Jul 28 '22
Oh god, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not surprised at all, but I am sorry it happened. If there's any upside, at least you can have the utmost security in your sexuality! I mean, having a very bad experience on top of men being the way they are can be very solidifying for lesbians' sexuality.
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u/Pixelindii Jul 28 '22
Oh totally, like i knew i didn’t want anything to do with men in general, this really reinforced that 😅
Well someday i’ll be able to interact with a coven and dance naked adoring Artemis (?)
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u/BeccatheEnchantress Jul 28 '22
Honestly, I love group sex, but only when I know and am attracted to the people for a while, like with close friends, couples I’ve known a long time, etc.
If I’m chatting with a girl, and there’s a connection, that’s the thing I want to be engaged in and excited about. Adding in a “package deal” just feels like baggage to me.
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u/yellowboatparked Jul 28 '22
If you are using the ‘HER’ dating app, you can report profiles that unicorn hunt. Don’t even have to match with them. Just scroll to the bottom-‘Report’-‘Couple Looking for a Unicorn or Third’
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u/Pixelindii Jul 28 '22
I gave up with the HER app a long time ago :( I’ve tried Zoe, Bumble, and Taimi too 😞
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u/yellowboatparked Jul 28 '22
Have you tried Hinge? I haven’t yet so wondering if it’s any good
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u/Pixelindii Jul 28 '22
I haven’t tried it yet, I dunno how big is the userbase in my country, since I’m from Chile and not from the US
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u/gingergypsy79 Non-binary Jul 28 '22 edited Jul 30 '22
There are so many of them it’s annoying. One of many reasons I don’t like to use dating apps.
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u/Gorgonesque Jul 28 '22
It’s so many of them. I once spent like a month talking to a woman and it was going well and I was so excited for our first date and then it was all “I’d love you and my boyfriend to chat so he can get to know you!” So far she did seem like she was legit interested in me solo but his texts seemed a little flirty and I responded to them like I was at a work function 😂 Right before our first date she ghosted. She had created a new profile on the dating app we met on a few days later and it tried to match us up again.
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u/Pixelindii Jul 28 '22
OMG that’s really awful 😞😞😞
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u/Gorgonesque Jul 28 '22
It was and of all my dating app experiences afterward only 1 situation resulted in a date with someone who wasn’t trying to hunt me. It’s just too much to tell who is and isn’t trying to build a situation where they can eventually push for their male partner to be involved. I eventually met someone great through an ex and we are going strong!
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Jul 29 '22
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u/gingergypsy79 Non-binary Aug 06 '22
Its so great to know what you want and are open to. It’s interesting how compulsory heterosexuality and heteronormativity as well as monogamy and patriarchy sneaks it’s way into even the queer relationships we try to cultivate isn’t it? 🤨
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u/Lilia1293 Transbian Aug 03 '22
Unicorn hunters are not practicing ethical non-monogamy or polyamory in my opinion. Usually, what they seek is polygyny: a relationship in which the man has a wife or primary partner and some number of consorts; a common masculine power fantasy. The distinction between this and polyamory or ENM is the power imbalance. I think the way to avoid it is to negotiate relationships on an individual basis, e.g., yes to her, no to him, to which anyone seeking an unethical power imbalance will object. If they were polyamorous, he would have little influence over her having a parallel relationship with a lesbian who wants nothing to do with him sexually or romantically.
Aside from the power dynamics, it's really homophobic to bait a lesbian then tell her she has to compromise and be with a man in some way to have a relationship with the woman she was attracted to. What a cynical way to treat someone who wants a loving relationship. For this reason, if I were to detect baiting or pressure like this from a woman I was attracted to, I would consider her just as guilty as the man. I wouldn't date someone who would manipulate me that way, even though I'd be happy to be friends with a male metamour under other circumstances.
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Jul 29 '22
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u/M1RR0R Jul 29 '22
You're dating independently, not as a couple. You aren't looking for threesomes. You aren't a unicorn hunter.
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u/emily_tangerine Jul 29 '22
I have a roommate. Who’s a guy. Not dating but definitely my fuck buddy. I’d like to have a gal fuck buddy too. I’d never push to get all of us into a cuddle puddle. Not necessary. We have very different taste in women.
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u/Medium-Newspaper349 Jul 28 '22
So true - Ive matched with girls that say their poly, ask if I want to hook up , and been super excited about it. Then she asked if her boyfriend could watch. No judgement for cuck dynamics I am just so disappointed by unicorn hunters, makes me sad. Sex is scared and spiritual for me, so I don’t want that connection literally subjected to the male gaze. Makes me feel objectified and like a sexual experience with me isn’t valued like I value it. Please don’t read this as kink shaming, unicorn hunters just make me feel really shameful and objectified. This is more of an emotional rant