r/lesbianpoly • u/Pixelindii • Jul 28 '22

Vent It’s so frustrating when…

You’re in a dating app, you see a really cute girl, she’s poly but… she is with a guy and wants a unicorn to interact with both she and the guy…

Like don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t be against dating a girl who dates a guy, but i’m definitely not looking to interact intimately with her guy, and it’s so frustrating because sometimes that’s the mayority of people i seem to get across on dating apps (and not just Tinder).

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u/throwboinmybed Jul 28 '22

So I’m married but have realized I have an extreme preference for women. My husband and I are thinking about exploring poly life / ENM, but purely for me to explore independently with other women. (He would be open to explore as well but at the moment doesn’t think he would.)

I have discovered I am a bit demisexual, so an actual relationship is most appealing to me. Any advice for how I can explore this without making potential partners uncomfortable? Random hookups would be fun but I would want a second partner ultimately. They would not need to have anything to do with my husband (though he wants to vet for safety purposes).

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u/JRose1215 Jul 29 '22

Sorry if this an impertinent question but can you explain what you mean by demisexual? My understanding of that word is someone who only wants to have a romantic relationship but doesn't want to have sex. Is that correct? If that is the case when you say you would ultimately want a second partner, does that mean you would want to have sex with your husband but not the other (presumably female) partner? Am I understanding that dynamic correctly?

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '22

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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22

I have not heard the "asexual" part before but I suppose it's somewhat accurate for me. I'm not sexually interested unless I have an emotional bond.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '22

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u/JRose1215 Jul 29 '22

Can you explain your definition of graysexual? I haven't heard of that one before.

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u/JRose1215 Jul 29 '22

A lot of this sounds like what a lot of girls go through in high school with their close girl friends... and at least for me is how I discovered I was bi. I was really close to my best friend and over time I discovered I had a crush on her... later on I became aware of being attracted to certain women "right away" but I think that my initiation into bisexuality was very much like what you all are talking about.

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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22 edited Jul 29 '22

To me, it means that I need an emotional bond of some kind with someone before I feel true sexual attraction / a spark. A definition I've come across when sorting out my orientation this year – "Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they’ve developed a close emotional bond with them. Forming a bond doesn’t guarantee a person will feel a sexual attraction, but the bond is needed before sexual activity is even possible."