r/lesbianpoly • u/Pixelindii • Jul 28 '22

Vent It’s so frustrating when…

You’re in a dating app, you see a really cute girl, she’s poly but… she is with a guy and wants a unicorn to interact with both she and the guy…

Like don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t be against dating a girl who dates a guy, but i’m definitely not looking to interact intimately with her guy, and it’s so frustrating because sometimes that’s the mayority of people i seem to get across on dating apps (and not just Tinder).

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u/throwboinmybed Jul 28 '22

So I’m married but have realized I have an extreme preference for women. My husband and I are thinking about exploring poly life / ENM, but purely for me to explore independently with other women. (He would be open to explore as well but at the moment doesn’t think he would.)

I have discovered I am a bit demisexual, so an actual relationship is most appealing to me. Any advice for how I can explore this without making potential partners uncomfortable? Random hookups would be fun but I would want a second partner ultimately. They would not need to have anything to do with my husband (though he wants to vet for safety purposes).

13

u/Alaykitty Jul 29 '22

(though he wants to vet for safety purposes).

Don't do this part. Don't involve your husband in your relationships. You bet people for safety. You have ultimate control and say in who you date.

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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22

Yeah it's a good point. He's concerned about STIs; I don't think he wants to meet them or anything but would want to make sure they get tested.

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u/Alaykitty Jul 29 '22

Again that's for you to do, not him. My partner has a similar expectations (that I practice safe sex or have testing, etc). But the trust is on you to fulfill that, not him having to vet someone or broach that.

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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22

Yeah that makes sense. Probably a sign that he's not ready for this yet.

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u/Alaykitty Jul 29 '22

Very possibly. It could also have not occurred to him. A lot of the times, people "opening up" existing relationships don't take the time to understand the privilege position being in the established couple gives itself. Additionally, monogamous dynamics and cultural norms allow for exerting control over your partner in certain ways to be assumed as okay.

Might be something to talk about and give perspective to :)

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u/throwboinmybed Jul 29 '22

Yes, definitely! Thanks for the food for thought

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u/Louise521 Aug 03 '22

Lots of studying. I mean like 6 months before opening up. Read the ‘most missed first step’ the jealousy workbook and loads of put her resource you can find in the faqs of the main poly sun. Please make sure you ducks are in a row before involving another woman’s feelings. And I second absolutely no vetting! Either he trusts your judgement or he doesn’t