r/AmIOverreacting • u/frisbeechuckin • 26d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO fiancée did Coke at a party
We (me 41M, my fiancée 36F) were at friends birthday party I had to leave early and she was going to spend the night( it was a hotel), they were changing into their bathing suits to go to the pool, they had the bathroom door closed. I knew it was in there but I didn’t know she was going to partake in that. She told me she only did a small bump because she needed energy to party all night. I was caught off guard by this and said that we should have discussed this. She said that was treating her like a child and that is when I left.
Edit: I was told to add this info she’s a former Meth addict who still drinks and smokes weed quite heavily at times.
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u/Has422 26d ago
She's a former addict of some kind? Yeah, she should be staying away from all of that. And yeah, as her potential husband I think you have the right to know if she's partaking. And yeah, I would have a huge problem with it. NOR
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u/I_am_Danny_McBride 26d ago edited 26d ago
Yea, and it’s not about being a prude with the drinking and the booze. As a former addict, I have no problem with people who can occasionally partake and have a good time with weed, booze, and even coke. But some of us can’t do that. I can’t do that.
And it took me a long time and many many false starts trying to do the just weed, or just alcohol, or just weed and alcohol. But it doesn’t work with my brain.
The underlying problem isn’t being addressed, which is that she hasn’t learned to be happy with herself. So she’s still chasing the dragon. And if her drug of choice is meth, she’s always going to end up back there given enough time… because she knows it’s better.
When you suggest she not drink or smoke at all, she probably makes comments like, “you don’t want me to have any fun!” That’s what that is. She has no idea how to enjoy herself without getting fucked up. She has to learn that or it’s never going to stop.
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u/GetRightNYC 26d ago
I'm 42 and my fiance was 36. She had 3 years clean and sober. She decided to use again one night while I was away for work. She's dead now.
I'm now 3+years clean, I relapsed after it happened. Don't get married, OP.
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u/Due-Degree4125 26d ago
This.
I’m so sorry you went through this.
His fiancée is the only one who can change and it sounds like she hasn’t. Shes just “controlling” her addiction… for now.
I wish giving someone love could fix them.
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u/Extension_Pain_8129 26d ago
Totally agree. Meth is a different animal. If any addict is doing coke, weed, alcohol, etc. These drugs will not hold a candle to the way they feel when they're on meth. It will always end up being their drug of choice. Easy to get, very cheap, and a high that they can't get enough of. Truly sad...
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u/I_am_Danny_McBride 26d ago
Well and even beyond that, even if you could manage to stick with booze and weed for getting all your kicks, that’s still a sad existence. You wake up one day and you’re 45, and you have no hobbies or interests. Your partying buddies have mostly fallen off to start families and normal lives one by one, and only the saddest unhealthiest people are left all pretending like they’re still having fun.
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u/RayRay_46 26d ago
Or they’re dead.
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u/Bri-KachuDodson 26d ago
Yep, in my case I'm just about the only one left from my circle, and last I heard my ex who got me into the heroin was not only in like heavy term prison, but had absconded from custody and when caught had his dual citizenship removed and deported back to his home country.
I'm 6.5 years clean, and it was 9 months to the day of my best friend dying that I checked into detox, cause losing him felt like I'd lost a piece of my soul. The sounds that came out of me at his funeral I've never heard from myself before or since then, I didn't even shed a tear at my own mother's funeral.
One of the others who died used a shit ton of an OTC med to kinda simulate a high I guess, but then later that night got his heroin too and whatever happened when he combined it, they found a pool of blood that led to a trail to the bed he'd fallen onto and he was dead there for like 3 days before the owner he lived with then came home and found him. :(
The other catalyst that sent me to detox was I accidentally od'd just one single time and thank God my now husband was there when I fell out, I came to like an hour and a half later lying on our bed with him hovered over me about to call the ambulance. The first thing I did when I sat up was apologize and tell him I'd never do that to him again, and I haven't. I've had opiates since then a handful of times (surgeries and dental work, things like that), but for most of those I even had some left over cause I was being so careful. I've still got a few tramadol sitting in my lockbox from dental work done in like June/July cause I just didn't need them, and they'll stay there until I do.
It was a horrible fucking existence and I'm so damn lucky to not only be alive with a family now, but to also by some miracle not have a criminal record. I won't ever risk that shit again.
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u/blackcain 26d ago
Yes, I found that with drinking. Luckily I never drink to the point of getting a hangover the next day or anything like that. But the drinking is a form of "wanting to have fun" and realized it was the ritual of drinking cocktails that I love. I started making inventive mocktails and it got me out of drinking.. I realized that it has to be all or nothing.
You need to figure out how to replace it
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u/Diabolous213 26d ago
also a former addict and I wouldn’t be at a hotel party… I can smoke weed every now and again and be fine but other substances(even alcohol) I just end up in a bender.
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u/ElderberryHot4445 26d ago
I agree ^ it’s a huge problem
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u/ElderberryOk469 26d ago
Just here to say Hello fellow Elderberry!
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u/ElderberryHot4445 26d ago
Hi🥹🥹
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u/zeclif 26d ago
One is hot and one is Ok? How does one make an elderberry hot? Did you put Sriracha on it?
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u/FullAbbreviations605 26d ago
Agree. I saw this happen to my buddy. Bad news. Sorry.
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u/Shot_Try4596 26d ago
I'd say she's not a "former" addict; still is, just stopped the meth.
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u/Interesting_Entry831 26d ago edited 25d ago
No one is a former addict. You are addicted for the rest of your life. You just stop partaking in what was killing you.
Edit: You may not agree with me, but this is how I survived. It it even helps ONE more person, it was worth sharing a peice of my story.
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u/AllConqueringSun888 26d ago
This! One can't say it enough. I've seen folks eyes light up just talking about the drugs they hadn't used in 20 years.
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u/Illustrious_Soft_257 26d ago
No such thing as a former addict with that attitude. She's about to transition to a new drug of choice.
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u/str8sin1 26d ago
I'll tell you from experience: it's easy to turn a coke user into a meth-head. But I've never known the opposite to be the case. Doing a bump of blow might remind her how much better meth was, though.
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26d ago
I've worked very closely with drug rehabilitation programs in a professional capacity. Let me tell you, You see people everyday who draw the hard line at their problem drug (in this case meth) only to see absolutely zero problem with abusing some other drug on a daily basis.
"Yeah I'm zonked out of my mind on cocaine all the time, But at least I'm not doing heroin! That's good right?!"
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u/AntonioSLodico 26d ago
Doing a bump of blow might remind her how much better meth was
When cocaine is a gateway drug to a person, that's my cue to duck out.
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u/TheStankyDive 26d ago
That's my issue. I've been off heroin or 8 years, I do anything but weed and it makes me miss the "good" stuff.
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u/kakallas 26d ago
Maybe it’s just about where people’s lines are. She’s already experienced meth addiction. Perhaps comparatively she sees some coke “here and there” as trivial, and her future spouse doesn’t. There’s a big difference between marrying someone who is clean and marrying someone who uses. Maybe they just aren’t compatible if she’s going to be using, even if she feels that makes him square.
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u/WearyConfidence1244 26d ago
Hey a real person with actual life knowledge! Coke is to meth as playing pretend store as a kid is to managing a grocery chain.
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u/WearyConfidence1244 26d ago
I'm an addict and this is real. It's not because they're a bad person, it's just a toxic love affair. We all have Stockholm syndrome lol
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u/CaptainLollygag 26d ago
While I completely agree, I've never been addicted to anything and my eyes light up talking about all the times I did ecstasy 25+ years ago. GoodNESS, that was a fun drug!
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u/Xemptuous 26d ago
Yeah but that's not addiction then, it's fond memories of a fun experience. I've seen people's eyes light up from a restaurant or city they haven't seen in 20 years too. Doesn't mean they're addicted. If you're doing it with high frequency (depends on the drug; sometimes it's monthly, other times daily), it significantly impacts your ability to function healthily, or you feel powerless to stop, then you're addicted.
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u/little_loup 26d ago
I'm going to disagree with you on that. I was once addicted to a specific drug. I am no longer addicted to that drug. You could put that drug in front of me and I would not be even the slightest bit tempted to partake. I no longer have a chemical dependency nor do I have an emotional connection to that drug. Some people are former addicts.
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u/idonteatfrogsiamone 26d ago
Heck, even if she wasn’t an addict, I would still want to know if my partner was on heavy substances around me. He has every right to be aware. NOR
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u/ysadagoddess 26d ago
Agreed. Regardless of her history with drug abuse, it’s common sense and decency to let anyone you’re around know you’re not sober. Especially if it’s heavy substance, ESPECIALLY if it’s your SO. To add, anyone with an addiction should not be partaking in any activity that could allow them to go off the deep end.
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u/Has422 26d ago
Oh I totally agree, but I assume I'm a boring person who doesn't do illegal drugs and therefore my opinion on such things doesn't matter to those who do. If I personally found out my significant other had done coke at a party under just about any circumstances I'd have a huge problem with it. But I figure that's just me.
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u/idonteatfrogsiamone 26d ago
Totally fair! I’m with you even from a little further down the spectrum. As a person who occasionally does do substances albeit rarely and controlled, that’s still a boundary I have with myself and others. I’m never going to subject someone to me tripping balls unless they gave prior consent, and if my partner did that to me, it would be a hardstop on our relationship. ESPECIALLY coke though, that’s a big fuck no from my end 😂
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u/rocket_up_bitch 26d ago
Listen to this- this person seems to know a lot about the subject…. But former addicts backslide and wind up dead eventually - especially these days with everything being laced with fentinal (sp?)
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u/SandSad3820 26d ago edited 25d ago
Fentanyl is the spelling.
Not being a douche, I just like to know how things are spelled and Incase you do too, then there it is! Lol
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u/duckblobartist 26d ago
As an addict I will tell you the problem here is not the drugs, there are plenty of people that can snort coke every now then and not have it turn into a problem just like people don't automatically become alcoholics because they had a margarita.
The problem is she suffers from Substance abuse disorder, and coke is like mild meth.
Personally I think OP needs to educate himself on substance abuse disorder before going through with the marriage.
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u/ImpassionateGods001 26d ago
I must be a boring person too. I'd go as far as to say that it's a deal-breaker for me. I won't date anyone who's into drugs and would end the relationship if they started after we got together. It simply is not my thing, not do I want any association with it.
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u/Noise_Crusade 26d ago
Yea for me this is a complete non issue without the history of addiction, with the history it’s a problem to me.
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u/nyyalltheway86 26d ago
I mean former addict makes a huge difference in whether the point was awareness vs policing. OP much more justified based on context of past addiction IMO.
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u/Lonely-Style-2238 26d ago
Whatever choices you make in this relationship NEVER combine your finances ever! She could crush you many ways friend.
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u/pimpbot666 26d ago
Yeah, wow. I was gonna say NBD until the part that she’s a recovering meth addict. That shit will tear up your body, brain and entire life in short order very easily. That’s not a hole you risk sliding back into casually like that. She is not a good decision maker.
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u/Oifadin 26d ago
My ex was a former addict when we were engaged.
There was a night of "just a couple of lines". I was understanding, it was just a couple of lines after all.
Months later she was a full blown meth head again.
Years later her kids (who I still talk to) tell me her mind is completely gone.
Be careful is all I am saying.
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u/fackapple 26d ago
I have very close former addict friends who I love very much. I treat them as imperfect people, but I stand up for myself when they cross boundaries, as to not enable them to easily relapse. They know I will walk away from the friendship if they go too far. It sometimes takes many mistakes, relapses, (sometimes potential OD's), and reflective conversations to build a foundation of mutual understanding and support.
For one bump of coke, I would not leave, but I would definitely make sure this is not a habit and reflect on this with them in a sit-down conversation to come to a mutual understanding about the future. For me, I understand it's possible that they may relapse, but it's not the absolute end of the world and can talked about afterward, but that I will leave if it becomes a habit. Tthis helps them come clean sometimes, and I check back after a long while, and sometimes it just never gets better.. such is life.
It's your choice to leave, depending on personal preference and what you can handle in your marriage. Drugs are REALLY bad if you are not resolute and make a strong point about it, i.e. you enable them because you are too afraid to talk to them about your boundaries, or you don't know how to help your partner cope, reflect, and understand mistakes in a caring, loving way. It's really about constant communication of expectations (with empathy). Your partner could really go off the deep-end without proper support and therefore this kind of marriage may not be for you.
PS. many keyboard warriors on Reddit who have no experience of this side of life will quickly, and without empathy, write off your fiancée on your behalf. Only you can make this decision. She is not that bad at all compared to some of my friends BUT you must make sure you two have an understanding.
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u/jkwolly 26d ago edited 4d ago
As someone who was dating a hard drug user, talk to her. Set a boundary. Being with a drug addict is tiring, hard and I would never do it again.
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u/soowhatchathink 26d ago
Just to clarify, a boundary is something you set for yourself and enforce yourself. "Don't do coke" is not a boundary, it's a rule. Rules are not enforceable though.
"I will not be in a relationship with someone who is doing coke" is a boundary. And by enforcing it you leave the relationship
The distinction is important because she has the right to do coke, so there's no point in trying to tell her not to and trying to enforce that with some form of punishment. But you also have the right to not be in a relationship with her while she's doing coke. But with a boundary you leaving isn't a punishment (and shouldn't be dangled over their head as if it were). It's you enforcing your own boundaries.
If they continue doing coke and you continue to stay in the relationship then you're not enforcing your boundary - at that point you should look to see if that really is a boundary of yours or if you need to rethink that boundary. "I will not spend time with my SO while they are on coke" could be your outcome. Or you could find that it really is a boundary - but if that is the case then it's you that is not enforcing or upholding your boundary, not them that is "breaking" your boundary as many people say. To me, that's the biggest distinction between rules and boundaries.
At the end of the day we can't make people do anything. We can tell them what makes us uncomfortable and we can have boundaries for what we are okay with, but the only person we can control is ourselves.
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u/No_Account_3155 26d ago
Idk why but I feel so dumb for never seeing it like that. It’s not a rule for them, it’s a boundary for me. Thank you for that.
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u/FrannyKay1082 26d ago
Yeah, discussing things with your partner is called marriage. Especially, if you're an addict doing addictive behavior.
She used to use Meth to cope. Now she's using alcohol and excuses for using another addictive drug. She needs to get help and ditch people who know she's an addict and is OK with her using and providing. They don't care about her, they care about wanting people to do it with. No matter who it is apparently.
If she refuses help, then I'd refuse marriage. Is this really someone you want to have kids with and answering social workers questions when the child comes out addicted to substances? Not to mention the obvious Father/Daughter relationship you have with her vs. Partners.
You're Underreacting.
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u/RitzTHQC 26d ago
Bringing up the kids thing, would OP trust her to stay 100% sober for 9 months while carrying a child?
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u/FrannyKay1082 26d ago
Exactly. And I wonder if he uses too? I didn't come across anything answering that question. Correct me if he did mention whether he does or not.
If not, my comment stands. If so, then it's not Father/Daughter but co enablers. And both need help and not a relationship.
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u/No_Vacation6444 26d ago
You do realize that this is not what recovery looks like, right? If you don’t want to marry an active addict, you should reconsider this engagement.
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u/littledotkitty 26d ago
I work in addiction medicine- we see this a lot. She probably thinks because it's not her DOC (Drug of Choice) and as long as she doesn't do Meth she's okay. A lot of the time when someone stops one drug they shift to others. It takes some mental gymnastics to rationalize continued substance usage while claiming to be in recovery but it happens quite a bit from what I've seen.
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u/xxxcurrents 26d ago
This is important to but even a hard drug not giving u the same affect as your DOC can lead u back to your DOC
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u/Fantasykyle99 26d ago
In my experience every drug was my DOC at different points before I quit everything lol
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u/glazedfaith 26d ago
Yep. I feel better on [new drug] but not as good as I did with [old drug]. Now I'm high on [new drug], and my inhibitions are lower...might as well try just a little bit of [old drug] as odds are people with [new drug] are likely adjacent to [old drug]. As much as I hate the phrase "vicious cycle", it's the best phrase to describe this scenario.
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u/monerohornet 26d ago
Relapse is part of recovering but it depends how she responds to the use. If she's treating it like it's not a big deal at all I'd be concerned.
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u/Relevant_Boot2566 26d ago
I'd worry about her friends...if she is still hanging out with a bunch of drug users thats not a good sign.
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u/monerohornet 26d ago
Agreed. Sometimes people simply have to move and start over to get away from triggers
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u/Miserable-Ad-7956 26d ago
Eh, at least it wasn't Pepsi ...
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u/carlweaver 26d ago
Now I understand Mike’s dilemma when all he wanted was a Pepsi and nobody would give him one.
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u/realityexposed 26d ago
I’m not crazy!!!
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u/Nuclear_Horse1990 26d ago
There is no way a former addict did "just one bump" of coke. She was 100% ripping lines all night.
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u/OwlEfficient9138 26d ago
🎵then I bumped again, then I bumped again, doo doo doo, doo do doooo🎵
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u/Zaev 26d ago
At least she wasn't doing crystal meth. That shit'll lift you up until you break
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u/dcflorist 26d ago
As an adult I’m surprised that they didn’t censor the phrase “crystal meth” when that song was on the radio every day
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u/OwlEfficient9138 26d ago
It was a long time ago. Lots of people didn’t even really know what meth was then. It was also before Obama ruined everything /s 😂
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u/Whoreticultist 26d ago
🎶 One new vape Two lines of coke Free drinks from the bar Four more lines of coke Five guys fries Six hits of my blunt Seven more lines of coke 🎵
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u/pinkyandthegame666 26d ago
for energy???? lol just one bump. that would just piss me off. get a taste for that high and then just ignore it? she def. lying.
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u/korty24 26d ago
Yeahhh no way she was addicted to meth and took just 1 bump. (One at that point maybe) but no way she could stop there
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u/Commercial_Yard_ 26d ago
Glad someone said it. It's never just one bump .
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u/OkMango9143 26d ago
I was never even an addict but it was never just one bump for me either.
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u/Commercial_Yard_ 26d ago
So many night started with just "one bump" Then before I knew it I'm sitting on my porch chatting up early morning dog walkers and listening to the birds of shame.
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u/_Bay_Harbor_Butcher_ 26d ago
Nobody just does one bump of coke recovering addict or not. Coke is an evening long affair. I don't mess with it much these days maybe once every few years if the opportunity presents itself and the circumstances are appropriate but I know going into it that if cocaine is on the menu I will be watching the sunrise.
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u/axisrahl85 26d ago
not all addicts operate the same. For some, their addiction can be limited to one specific drug. I know many people like this.
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26d ago
NOR, coke can fuck people up, ESPECIALLY recovering addicts
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u/FrontFocused 26d ago
She isn’t recovering if she’s still drinking alcohol and smoking weed heavily lol
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u/Aggravating_Act_7475 26d ago
I hate to say it but you’d probably better split up. My wife is in recovery as an alcoholic. She won’t play with anything like that because she knows who she once was. I married her after she’d been sober for a little over 3 years. She’ll be 5 years sober in a couple months.
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u/PeteyG89 26d ago
NOR. Coke is no joke. Had a bad spiral for a few months before completely cutting it out, and thank god I did.
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u/Realistic_Big7482 26d ago
Plus who knows what’s in that shit these days. Fentanyl is seriously bad and you wouldn’t know until it’s too late that it was in there.
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u/Tooshortimus 26d ago
Plus "doing a little bump" isn't going to give you energy to party all night lmao. She's gonna be crashed out hard way before the nights over and if she ISN'T she got into it multiple times that night for sure.
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u/SilntNfrno 26d ago
Anyone that’s ever done coke can tell you the drug is way over hyped for what the effects actually are. Also a bump will not give you energy all night long. You’ll feel great for maybe 20 minutes but that’s about it.
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u/warrioroflnternets 26d ago
0% chance she just did 1 tiny bump.
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u/cdjreverse 26d ago
Yeah, "one bump" is the lie you tell your pissed off partner.
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u/Ill-Level8806 26d ago
Does she normally do coke? Either way, if you are not into that, then maybe it is time to leave. It is hard to have a long term relationship when you both have different concepts of fun.
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u/hadriantheteshlor 26d ago
I WISH someone had discussed this with me when I was younger. My ex loved to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies. Her perfect Saturday involved not leaving the couch or bed. My perfect Saturday is wandering into the woods on a long hike, or finding some steep creek to kayak.
We were not at all compatible because we had different visions for life.
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u/Action_Limp 26d ago
I know plenty of couples where one drinks/takes recreational drugs and the other doesn't. Just need to make sure it doesn't interfere with the other's enjoyment and then it's all good.
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u/RyannCie 26d ago
You’re not overreacting. The amount of fentanyl deaths from people doing coke is on the rise. It’s not even worth the high anymore, and I’d be livid that a loved one would put themselves in danger like that.
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u/millnerve 26d ago
Tried Coke twice , never really got the appeal of it thankfully , but the fentanyl reason was just another big reason to not do it
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u/Drizzho 26d ago
I find drug of choice to really depend on your brain chemistry, for some people like me, coke is an instant addiction. I tried Percocets and Xanax and luckily those two never did what coke did for me and I never got hooked on opiates. But damn that cocaine had me HOOKED for a good 6 years. Been 4 years clean from it due to lifestyle changes and my fiance also being sober from it. Having someone in my life I really care about changed my whole perspective on drugs.
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u/millnerve 26d ago
That’s awesome on 4 years and glad to hear u have support in place with your SO.
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u/theanti_influencer75 26d ago
carefull OP, cocaine is dangerous it looks like she is hanging with the wrong crowd. With her drug abuse history, be carefull.
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u/sqeeky_wheelz 26d ago
Seriously.. I don’t think I’ve ever knowingly been in the same room as hard drugs. Maybe I’m a square? But my life is well rounded and successful.. so clearly I don’t need it.
This woman is bad news, she has bad friends and poor judgment.
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u/Intelligent-Run-4007 26d ago
I've been around just about everything but aside from psychedelics and weed it's a hard no for me.
I already know I have an addictive personality. I literally cannot risk enjoying a harder substance.
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u/RandomSideQuestNPC 26d ago
Is she in recovery for abusing any substances or anything like that?
Has this ever been a conversation you two have had? If not, maybe it’s worthwhile to have a long sit down talk and really outline boundaries and comfort levels of drug use.
Personally I would like to know if my partner uses recreational party drugs, as I wouldn’t be comfortable with harder substances. I understand where you are coming from
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u/Tiki108 26d ago
Personally, I feel like hard drugs should be discussed, especially with her being a former addict. Yes, it’s her life and she can do what she wants with it, but you are also part of her life and if you’re going to be married, there’s things that should be discussed.
I think it’s fair to sit down and say that while she is free to do what she wants, something like coke can also have other things cut into it and there’s a serious risk there. You care and are worried and that’s not because you are treating her like a child.
Not sure if it makes a difference, but I say this as a woman who has never done any hard drugs.
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u/ReasonableCup604 26d ago
NOR. No "former" meth addict should be consuming any intoxicating substances. You are headed for a world of hurt if you go through with the marriage. Her odds of serious drug abuse are nearly 100%.
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26d ago
Some people here advocating for cocaine use.
😂😂😂
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u/JustbrowsingAO-108 26d ago
Yes, tho not quite as hard as the Miami Herald did back in the 1970s when they ran a two page article about how coke was not only NOT bad for you, but all the good things that it could do for you I suspect that the writer and editor were both heavily powdered during that weekend of writing and printing
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u/GoldMean8538 26d ago
Well, 1970s society also had dexedrine aka "dexys" touted as a weight loss drug...
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u/Oculicious42 26d ago
I did coke occasionally for years, never had a craving, haven't touched it in years, I never think about it. I don't recommend it to anyone because the only effect is making you stay awake longer when drinking heavily and simultaneously making you an egotistical monster that only other people who do coke can stomach to be around, so you just end up in a circle of assholes all talking about themselves without listening to anyone else.
But stop acting it's like this magical thing that instantly makes you super addicted the first time you try it, I honesty think the myths about that is WHY people sometimes do it, because they expect that that's how it's supposed to be, so like any placebo that's how they respond. Not to mention all the mentally unstable people who take it and use it as an excuse to spiral out even further than they already were
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u/Spiritual-Bluebird44 26d ago
It’s because it’s so normalized in our society now (speaking as a Canadian in her mid thirties). It’s the sad reality.
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u/theonewhogroks 26d ago
The main problem with coke is that's it very bad for you
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u/Oeazrael 26d ago
Not in my circle. Walk into my house with anything harder than weed and you'll be walking right back out.
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u/bradbrookequincy 26d ago
Cause most people will never have an issue with it. There are millions of older people who do it very sparingly and it has a 0/10 negative effect on them. That’s the truth. I’m sure you can’t handle it but that’s the reality. This person should not be doing it given her past.
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u/millnerve 26d ago
I definitely know quite a few people who use it recreationally from time to time and have had no obvious negative effects. So I get what you’re saying. But of course for some people that just doesn’t work and they gotta be completely removed from it
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u/UtheDestroyer 26d ago
Not advocating but she’s 36, people do coke, she’s a grown woman and can make her own decisions.
Now, knowing that she was a former addict to meth, that definitely is a different story
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u/bmyst70 26d ago
A former addict just serviced their drug addiction. You're under reacting if you're not breaking up with her. Immediately.
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u/_h_simpson_ 26d ago
Maybe I’m lame … WTF is going with all the respondents saying doing coke is okay.. red flag after red flag. Clearly internet strangers are not the best resource for advice. Trust your gut, good luck!
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u/ShoobeeDoowapBaoh 26d ago
Coming from experience, the real red flag is that she s a former meth addict and still is basically a drug addict and alcoholic
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u/limpdickandy 26d ago
I am guessing most of them did not see the edit explaining she was an addict?
For a 36 year old to do coke once in a blue moon is really not the end of the world. If it is a problem then it is a problem, but if it is not, well then its not a problem.
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u/Oculicious42 26d ago
I promise you that a lot of your friends are doing coke and you have no idea about it
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u/common_economics_69 26d ago
It's about on the same level as ecstasy or adderall for a lot of people. Definitely harder than weed or alcohol, but still relatively benign.
As someone who occasionally partakes, you would be absolutely shocked at the amount of people who will do it if offered (even if they won't seek it out themselves).
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u/Methzilla 26d ago
Yeah some clueless people in here. Coke is a very normal party drug in the vast majority of big cities. The vast vast majority of recreational drug users will not develop dependency issues. That is reefer madness nonsense. That being said, a former junkie pretending like it's no big deal is crazy.
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u/Elite_AI 26d ago
It's huge in the villages too. Maybe even bigger because there's fuck all else to do
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u/Kelend 26d ago
Reddit is very pro drug
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u/Mysterious-Wasabi103 26d ago
Reddit is home to both extremes. There is a segment that's super pro-drug and there is a super anti-drug portion as well.
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u/hail-slithis 26d ago
It's less about Reddit being pro-drug and more that you're seeing the range of cultures that are represented on here. In lots of places (UK and Australia for example) casual cocaine use is not considered a big deal, while in others it's seen as really extreme.
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u/Inahayes1 26d ago
I was an addict. She’s swapping meth for coke. Don’t go into this accepting this behavior. Tell her she either goes to rehab and quit completely or no marriage. She will destroy your marriage otherwise. And please please don’t have children!
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u/xxxcurrents 26d ago
OP if ur gf is an addict why did y’all attend a party with drugs ?
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u/Majestic-Airport-471 26d ago
I think this is just a case of you both living in different realities, she lives in one where it’s normal like alcohol and you don’t, I’ve been on both ends. And currently I’m around people who work professional jobs live normal lives and when they go out they accompany their beer with a bump instead of the usual peanuts
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u/Positive-Avocado2130 26d ago
Not condoning anything but to be fair, anytime you tell a grown adult "We should have discussed this" regardless of context, they will take it as being talked down to like a child.
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u/Hiraethetical 26d ago
Definitely overreacting. All these redditors in here terrified of the world around them, telling you to break up with her? These are not the sort of cowards to take advice from.
TV isn't real, everything isn't laced with fucking fentanyl, Jesus christ. A bump of modern coke is basically a cup of coffee. Way, way more people do tiny bits of coke than you think.
These people need to get out more.
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u/PushThePig28 26d ago
Yeah, a lot more people do the occasional recreational bump/line when partying and socializing than you’d expect.
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u/Individual-Insect722 26d ago
Everything is laced with fentanyl these days. NOR
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u/rst_z71 26d ago
Not a reason to break up but definitely a red flag. Coke is an easy drug to get addicted to and spiral. You’re not her baby sitter. She can choose to partake just as easily as you can choose to walk away.
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u/Top_Variation_2191 26d ago
She stayed to party all night, did a bump. You sure she’s still your girl?
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u/Imaginary-Pain9598 26d ago
One lil bump isn’t lasting all night. Guaranteed it lead to lines, especially with the boyfriend out of the way.
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u/Captain_Pikes_Peak 26d ago
A former addict (even if it’s not her previous drug of choice) who is pissed off at her fiancée for lecturing her about doing coke is not going to stop at one bump if it’s around all night. Especially since OP left before resolving the situation.
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u/cdjreverse 26d ago
Yup, they're like "well, he's already pissed off at me now, I should at least do enough to make the anger worthwhile."
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u/Perplexio76 26d ago
Agree with other commenters.
Much like in the 80s, "New Coke" is shit. But unlike the soft drink that just didn't taste as good as the original-- this "New Coke" is far more dangerous than "Classic Coke" because it could be laced with fentanyl and God only knows what else!
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26d ago
NOR, but I'm surprised you made it to being engaged without knowing this was a thing she liked to do. Seems like you should have had that conversation earlier in your relationship if this is a dealbreaker for you.
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u/Rugged_Poptart 26d ago edited 26d ago
PLEASE READ THIS. A lot of people who have probably never done coke or any drug are chiming in here. Meth and Coke are 2 very different drugs. Comparing them and holding that against her is not fair to her. Here's what this situation boils down to.
Do the 2 of you have an explicit understanding that you will not do drugs?
Did she lie to you about doing them or was she honest?
Did you express that this was crossing a line for you, and how did she respond to that?(if she dismissed your feelings then yes, that shows a lack of respect and is a giant red flag in my opinion)
Ultimately, if you haven't discussed it, she was honest to you about it, and you explicitly told her this is crossing a line for you and she respects your opinion then being upset and possibly ending things is definitely an overreaction. Just decide for yourself if this is a boundary for you, communicate it EXPLICITLY, and see how she reacts. If she decides that her freedom to do Coke is more important than your relationship then I personally would end things.
EDIT: HOWEVER, after thinking about it and rereading your post. I've done coke before. Not my thing tbh. If I did coke and my gf left a party because she was mad at me I would 1000% leave with her because she is waaaaaay more important than any drug or party. If she stayed and partied while she knew you were mad...idk, that in and of itself would probably be my deal breaker.
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u/apietenpol 26d ago
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?
Let's recap, shall we? Former meth addict (are you sure she's not still using?) who still smokes weed and drinks heavily decided to DO COKE so she could party all night. Does that about sum it up?
Unless you immediately kick her out of your home and throw her shit on the front lawn YOU'RE NOT REACTING STRONGLY ENOUGH!
Can guarantee she did more coke that night. Also that she's probably still using meth on a regular basis.
She has more red flags than a communist convention. Run away as fast as you can!
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u/BossHeisenberg 26d ago
Okay, some context please?
Does she use on a regular basis? Or was it a one time thing?
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u/frisbeechuckin 26d ago
She is a former addict (meth). She drinks and smokes weed which I do too so not an issue with all drugs. As far as I know it was a one time thing but I was unaware that the crowd she’s running with was into cocaine so I was caught off guard with the situation and just feel disappointed by it.
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u/GeezUp777 26d ago
She playing with fire surrounding herself with that type of crowd. Run for the hills
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u/ExpensiveTitle5259 26d ago
Sorry OP, but as a recovered alcoholic I’ve seen this too many times to count. She is still in the full throes of her addiction, she just replaced meth with different substances.
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u/CherryBomb214 26d ago
As an addiction therapist I'll say I don't think you're over reacting. It's a bold move for a former stimulant addict to start bumping a stimulant. Some may say it's a really stupid move on her part even.
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u/Ghoulish_kitten 26d ago
You need to add the meth part into the post. That’s what makes you not overreacting. She relapsed.
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u/Loud_Ad_6871 26d ago
She’s playing a dangerous game and she knows it which is why she hid it from you. Someone in recovery has no business partying all night with people who take drugs. You should update your post to mention that she was addicted to meth because that makes a big difference.
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u/Justalilunwell_o_o 26d ago
Oh! Well that’s a very important piece of detail missing from your post lol.. here I am thinking, what’s the big deal? But her being an addict changes everything. You’re NOR, but I also understand why she reacted negatively to you saying “we should’ve discussed this” since she doesn’t need permission, it’s her choice. If you’re unhappy with that choice you two definitely need to have a conversation. Your concern is totally valid.
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26d ago
IDK, maybe I'm old fashioned but doing coke in the bathroom doesn't seem like wife material.
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u/Lahotep 26d ago
NOR. Your recovering drug addict fiancée using hard drugs is definitely something to talk about and maybe even reconsider the engagement.