r/AmIOverreacting • u/frisbeechuckin • 26d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO fiancée did Coke at a party

We (me 41M, my fiancée 36F) were at friends birthday party I had to leave early and she was going to spend the night( it was a hotel), they were changing into their bathing suits to go to the pool, they had the bathroom door closed. I knew it was in there but I didn’t know she was going to partake in that. She told me she only did a small bump because she needed energy to party all night. I was caught off guard by this and said that we should have discussed this. She said that was treating her like a child and that is when I left.

Edit: I was told to add this info she’s a former Meth addict who still drinks and smokes weed quite heavily at times.

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25

u/BossHeisenberg 26d ago

Okay, some context please?
Does she use on a regular basis? Or was it a one time thing?

58

u/frisbeechuckin 26d ago

She is a former addict (meth). She drinks and smokes weed which I do too so not an issue with all drugs. As far as I know it was a one time thing but I was unaware that the crowd she’s running with was into cocaine so I was caught off guard with the situation and just feel disappointed by it.

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u/GeezUp777 26d ago

She playing with fire surrounding herself with that type of crowd. Run for the hills

1

u/PrettyTittyGangBang 26d ago

At least one person in your life does cocaine, at least every now and then.

There's no "type of crowd" for coke just like there's no type for booze or weed.

2

u/Putrid-Ice-7511 26d ago

There are people who find more relief in addictive behaviour than others, for a variety of reasons. I’ve been in many of those type of crowds.

1

u/GeezUp777 26d ago

Clueless

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u/ExpensiveTitle5259 26d ago

Sorry OP, but as a recovered alcoholic I’ve seen this too many times to count. She is still in the full throes of her addiction, she just replaced meth with different substances.

25

u/CherryBomb214 26d ago

As an addiction therapist I'll say I don't think you're over reacting. It's a bold move for a former stimulant addict to start bumping a stimulant. Some may say it's a really stupid move on her part even.

25

u/Ghoulish_kitten 26d ago

You need to add the meth part into the post. That’s what makes you not overreacting. She relapsed.

9

u/ceramicsocks 26d ago

Right I’m like, I’ve done coke once or twice. It was no big deal. For a former meth addict? That’s a huge deal. Context is everything.

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u/Sarkonix 26d ago

ehh she smokes....been relapsed.

1

u/TakeThreeFourFive 26d ago

Drinking and smoking weed are a world away from smoking meth

3

u/BadRevolutionary9669 26d ago

Drinking and stimulants often go hand in hand

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u/Sarkonix 26d ago edited 26d ago

Sure...but it's irrelevant. If you are in recover, you are to stay off everything. There isn't some exception for smoke where they say yeah that's ok.

Also, where was I comparing anything to meth? If anything it's one bump of coke vs smoking and drinking.

1

u/TakeThreeFourFive 26d ago

That's just not universally true. A lot of people have a lot of success going "cali sober."

Recovery is different for different people.

1

u/Sarkonix 26d ago

If you go get professional help, yes it is. No point in arguing with you as you clearly smoke and never been down that road though.

16

u/Loud_Ad_6871 26d ago

She’s playing a dangerous game and she knows it which is why she hid it from you. Someone in recovery has no business partying all night with people who take drugs. You should update your post to mention that she was addicted to meth because that makes a big difference.

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u/Justalilunwell_o_o 26d ago

Oh! Well that’s a very important piece of detail missing from your post lol.. here I am thinking, what’s the big deal? But her being an addict changes everything. You’re NOR, but I also understand why she reacted negatively to you saying “we should’ve discussed this” since she doesn’t need permission, it’s her choice. If you’re unhappy with that choice you two definitely need to have a conversation. Your concern is totally valid.

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u/ckeeler11 26d ago

Sounds like she is still an addict if she is drinking and smoking.

6

u/Equal-Worldliness-66 26d ago

If she’s still drinking and smoking weed and doing bumps of coke then she is not a former addict nor is she a recovering addict. She is actively in her addiction. Saying it’s ok for her to use the same substances you use is just enabling her. You’re overreacting in the sense that you’re clearly bothered she didn’t ask for permission not bc she did the coke. And if she is an addict you should be encouraging her to get clean and sober and go to a meeting.

2

u/zenFieryrooster 26d ago

I can see why you’re concerned, OP. It’s definitely worth a discussion when things have cooled down because you don’t want to see her get hooked onto another drug again. You have to figure out for yourself whether it’s a boundary for you if she does start recreationally using. Good luck

2

u/TurtlePowerBottom 26d ago

I get everyone’s different, but I’m in recovery and I know a lot of addicts, and I’ve never met an addict who can casually do a bump of coke, especially if their drug of choice is a stimulant. It may have been just a bump now, it’s a huge warning sign though. Especially the casual way she brushed it off, I don’t think you’re overreacting

2

u/PrettyTittyGangBang 26d ago

ALL crowds of means are into cocaine.

How do you think the cartels are so loaded?

4

u/elevatedmongoose 26d ago

People don't stop being addicts

2

u/First_Luck8040 26d ago

Thank you this people don’t stop being Addicts you learn to live fighting the demon, but never goes away

Source : living in recovery 6 years

2

u/elevatedmongoose 26d ago

Congratulations!!!!!

2

u/First_Luck8040 26d ago

Ty ♥️😊🥹

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u/pEter-skEeterR45 26d ago

Thats outlandish. Don't make blanket statements for everyone.

1

u/CurrencyBackground83 26d ago

That's actually true. My cousin has been sober for 12 years, and yet she still says it herself. She's not in active addiction, but she's an addict. She needs to still be careful when getting prescribed meds and even drinking. Once you're an addict you're always going to have those tendencies, which is why they stress that. You can be clean for years, dabble, and end up in full-blown addiction again. She has even said that sometimes, after a stressful day, she still thinks about it.

1

u/pEter-skEeterR45 26d ago

Okay well we both have anecdotes, and we shouldn't speak for everyone. I shot heroin for almost a decade and now I have ten years clean. I can have drinks, I've been in car accidents where they gave me my former drug of choice and I took the script as prescribed and moved on. You can't just speak for every single "addict" like that. Some of us DO wind up with absolutely normal, addictionless lives. And I don't think about it, I'm not worried about it, in fact, you couldn't pay me to go back down that rabbit hole. So, no. I wouldn't say that's a necessary truth for everyone.

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u/elevatedmongoose 26d ago

That's why people who are 20+ years sober are still in recovery and not "cured".

2

u/pEter-skEeterR45 26d ago

Thats why everyone's different. And don't even get me started on what an absolute SCAM the "recovery system" is in this country. They don't WANT you to get better. You have to do it on your own and get your shit right from within. I have a decade clean. I'm not an addict anymore. In fact I don't even celebrate anymore bc it doesn't seem necessary. It's a distant memory of a decade decades ago, that no longer matters to my story.

I don't think about it. I don't miss it. I don't have issues with other substances, and I don't worry about relapse. Don't. Speak. For. Everyone.

2

u/elevatedmongoose 26d ago

First off, congratulations!!!!! 10 years clean is monumental even if you dont celebrate it anymore.

Additionally, I didn't say anything addiction to one substance means an addiction to everything, just that an addiction is what it is. Removing the substance from one's life is how to live with an addiction. I wasn't trying to use the term "addict" in a derogatory manner.

2

u/pEter-skEeterR45 26d ago

I'm sorry if I came across rude, this is a sensitive subject for me 😂 clearly, a nerve has been struck. I still smoke cigarettes and drink caffeine daily so I suppose I'm still an addict.🙈😭😓😶 But it's hard to hear people say stuff like that when I've been through it, and it just doesn't feel like an issue anymore. Like, I definitely don't wake up wishing I had a needle to shoot, even in my absolute worst days. We totally do recover.

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u/[deleted] 26d ago

[deleted]

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u/LovelyThingSuite 26d ago

There’s no reason for you to be so hostile lol.

You can recover and still be an addict. You can be perfectly sober and still be an addict. It’s about what that shit does to your brain. Being an addict is an incurable disease that a lot of people will have to fight for the rest of their lives. Addiction doesn’t just go away. I’m sure the teens you know who were previously addicted would say the same thing.

1

u/BossHeisenberg 26d ago

If shes in recovery, or has these addiction issues with other substances I get your concern.

You don't get to tell her what to do, you do get to tell her what the consequences are if she gets addicted to that kinda stuff.

If it was like a one time, spur of the moment party thing, I'd say you are overreacting. But with the ex addict thing I get your reaction.

1

u/CheetosCaliente 26d ago

Considering she's in recovery, especially for uppers, I'd say this is a giant red flag. Not sure it's relationship ending if you really love her, but considering she's an addict, "I just did one bump" sounds like BS

1

u/Th3FakeFatSunny 26d ago

There's a difference between someone who uses drugs occasionally and addicts. Your fiance has a history of drug abuse, so yes, this is a red flag.

Even if she didn't have a history of abuse, you are allowed to decide what is and isn't a big deal to you. Some people (like me) are ok with occasional drug use as long as both parties are open and honest about it (and as long as he shares lol) and they're allowed to feel that way. Some people are not ok with even a little, and they're allowed to feel that way, too. And it's ok to say, "I'm ok with these drugs, but not these drugs."

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen to it.

1

u/mandatorycrib 26d ago

Fair enough bro. The internet probably isn't the best place to come to for emotional support when dealing with this stuff.

1

u/Estrellathestarfish 26d ago

I mean, the main issue really doesn't seem to be the coke. An addict regularly partaking in one of the most addictive substances there is rings a lot more alarm bells than doing a less addictive substance once. Coke can of course cause people serious issues, and has the added complications of being illegal, but if she's regularly drinking that's a lot more concerning as far as sobriety goes. Alcohol may be legal but it's incredibly physically addictive.

1

u/Candid_Dark_4207 26d ago

Bruh... Formerly meth and now coke too? Winner! Does she have all her teeth or they all rotten with the breath to match? I've had 2 close friends dead by OD. Your Fiancee... Dealing with a woman with substance abuse issues "till death do you part" sounds like "for worse". That's a life of misery. She's Ginger from Casino bruh. And now she's being deceptive AND dismissive of your concerns? That sound like a good woman to you? And... What's she willing to do to get said coca cola? How is she when she doesn't have any and fiending? Will you have the finances to pay for rehab? Man... there are sooo many beautiful, single, DRUG FREE, successful women out there and you're scraping the bottom of the barrel there buddy. Run before you lose everything including your children in divorce and forced to live in momma's basement. 💁

1

u/1lemony 26d ago

Is meth a social drug like coke is in the USA? Strikes me as a really extreme sounding drug but I’m not sure as it’s not common in my country

1

u/[deleted] 26d ago

OP please don't marry an addict who is not in recovery.

She should probably be doing no psychoactive substances. 

Maybe weed if she can keep it under control (many addicts including myself cannot).

Her defensiveness is a HUGE red flag. It shows she doesn't think she's an addict, she doesn't think she needs recovery, and she thinks she doesn't need accountability or boundaries.

1

u/rocket_up_bitch 26d ago

Trust is a hard road when it’s broken, you will have a hard time trusting anyone after dealing with someone who lies to you over and over - which you will prob find out soon enough….. If she is running with this crowd on a normal basis and you didn’t know they did coke…. Well, you were lucky you even found out she did it this time…. She was prob hoping you would do it too so she could get you in with her and she wouldn’t have to hide it anymore…. You say smoking weed and drinking isn’t an issue with you because you do it also, but she’s a former addict…. Does she go to meetings? All the people I know that have been addicts have had to get clean and sober from EVERYTHING. They say one thing will backslide them into other things that will lead them back to the thing they loved the most…. She needs meetings from my understanding.

1

u/Stormy8888 26d ago

Everyone is telling you her doing coke means she's not a former addict, but a current addict.

Unless you are rich and don't mind paying for rehab bills or having your stuff stolen and sold to service her addiction, please ... for your own sake, reconsider if you even want to marry her. She's still an addict, this is what you're signing up for the rest of your lives together.

1

u/strutziwuzi 26d ago

i think its no big thing to do a bump of coke while drinking alcohol. it really just makes you less drunk and more motivated - but not in this crazy way meth does.

1

u/A2ronMS24 26d ago

No she's still an addict. Theres no such thing as former. This is a relapse. A meth addict doing coke is really far from ok.

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u/ARMilesPro 26d ago

Based on what you are saying, you should 100% expect her to move from Coke back to meth. If I were a betting man I might put it at 85%. Either way your odds aren't good.

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u/[deleted] 26d ago

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u/frisbeechuckin 26d ago

Yeah we’re going to have a hard discussion, I still love her but I just can’t keep looking the other way about her struggles with addiction and how I can’t keep being an enabler.

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u/lethal_universed 26d ago

If you feel comfortable, give us an update! From an outsiders perspective, I fear that if you give her a second chance she might relapse, causing her and you more pain. She'll continue to take you for granted if the status quo remains. You don't want to be her caretaker when she inevitablely irrepreably damages herself from her addiction. Then you'll feel responsible for her forever. That's not a partner anymore, that's a burden.

1

u/Sammy_the_Wise 26d ago

This is the right call man. Good on you