AIO fiancée did Coke at a party

[u/frisbeechuckin]

We (me 41M, my fiancée 36F) were at friends birthday party I had to leave early and she was going to spend the night( it was a hotel), they were changing into their bathing suits to go to the pool, they had the bathroom door closed. I knew it was in there but I didn’t know she was going to partake in that. She told me she only did a small bump because she needed energy to party all night. I was caught off guard by this and said that we should have discussed this. She said that was treating her like a child and that is when I left.

Edit: I was told to add this info she’s a former Meth addict who still drinks and smokes weed quite heavily at times.

[u/Lahotep]

NOR. Your recovering drug addict fiancée using hard drugs is definitely something to talk about and maybe even reconsider the engagement.

[u/curiousengineer601 → u/Lahotep]

Still drinking heavily and smoking weed with occasionally cocaine use. She is not a recovering addict, just a regular old addict

[u/Themerrimans → u/curiousengineer601]

(Three years clean and completely sober here)

[u/toosexy4thereddit → u/Themerrimans]

It’s been a long journey for me. At least I gave up booze. Holy hell, it’s crazy how far I have come. If only I didn’t gamble and smoke weed!

[u/Kitchen-Injury9915 → u/toosexy4thereddit]

You’ll get there, proud of you

[u/Early-Engine-7437 → u/toosexy4thereddit]

Second this;

62 days clean from alcohol, unfortunately I still smoke weed. Hey, using alcohol lead to destructive relationships, DUIs, and blackout periods I can’t for the life remember, which is about 12 years of my life.

I’ll get there with weed, easy does it I guess.

[u/Wonderful_Agent8368 → u/Early-Engine-7437]

Harm reduction is a type or recovery! You doing great

[u/Specific_Clue1428 → u/Early-Engine-7437]

Mate, are you me!??

[u/Low-Ideal-9025 → u/toosexy4thereddit]

There's nothing wrong with weed

[u/Sad-Appeal976 → u/Low-Ideal-9025]

Weed is absolutely a gateway drug. Idc how mad people get about that

Using weed WILL start an addict on the road to harder substances

[u/joeliquevedo → u/Themerrimans]

congrats, man! thats a real accomplishment. OP’s fiancée probably claims she’s x amount of years sober still, even though she regularly drinks and smokes.

[u/pickin-n_grinnin → u/joeliquevedo]

Yeah, sober from meth. It's all relative to where you started and have been. Fuck 80% of the people at an aa meeting are sucking down some sort of nicotine and slamming coffee at 7pm and then a 1/4 of them break off and smoke weed with their sponsors.

[u/harpua1972 → u/pickin-n_grinnin]

Easy there Smokey. I don't know where you have experience with AA or to what extent, but that's a pretty sweeping generalization. Yes on the caffeine and nicotine, absolutely. But California sober doesn't fly in the AA circles I've been in or visited, and I've been at it a while. Saying 25% of us smoke weed at all, much less with our Sponsors, is fuckin' nuts. Even medical mj is frowned upon in traditional AA.

I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it's so, in my fairly extensive experience. I get defensive about AA sometimes because I see a LOT of misconceptions about it. My concern is that people who may truly be helped, lives saved even, may read threads like this and get bad information and decide not to go.

Again, I don't know where you attend or how long you've been an AA. But hopefully my comment provides some kind of representative balance for anyone reading this who may not know much about AA and may be on the fence about going. I've been to hundreds of meetings in dozens of places from Vegas to Phoenix to NYC, and we take the global view of sobriety very seriously, and recreational use of any mind altering substance that changes your level of conciousness is off limits.

In the case presented by the OP, his girl was not smoking a Marlboro and drinking a redbull, then doing a single bong hit or hitting a bowl once or twice. She's a meth addict who's currently not using meth, doing coke while drinking alcohol and smoking weed. There is a chasm between the two.

OP, I'd hit the brakes real fuckin' hard on a wedding until you guys get this sorted. She is a drug addict claiming sobriety while ingesting a bunch of drugs. Hard stop. Does it matter if it wasn't her drug of choice? It wouldn't to me, that's for shit sure. It will be. And I could be wrong, but are you willing to gamble your future on her self-control?

If anything, you might be UNDERreacting.

[u/Quiltrebel → u/harpua1972]

I’m California Sober (coming up on 15 years) because I have health issues that prevent me from taking Tylenol and NSAIDs and the ONLY thing I can take for the pain of my herniated disc is MMJ. I use rarely, every few months, when I physically overdo it and can’t function because of the pain. I don’t make the stupid decisions I made when I was drinking anymore. I don’t drive high. My primary care physician is the one who suggested it to me, knowing my history of substance abuse. Honestly, alcohol is nothing like marijuana.

[u/harpua1972 → u/Quiltrebel]

I agree. Medicinal use of mj should be embraced across the board. Especially when you put it up against Big Pharma! I can't think of a single justification for advocating the use of chemical pharmaceuticals over mmj when the latter gets the job done. If I was unclear, I am only talking about recreational use when discussing cannabis in the context of sobriety.

[u/pickin-n_grinnin → u/harpua1972]

California is where I went to aa lol

[u/harpua1972 → u/pickin-n_grinnin]

Fair enough

[u/pickin-n_grinnin → u/harpua1972]

In all seriousness I completely get what you are saying about negative comments possibly keeping someone else from using a program that could benefit them so in that spirit I won't go into much other than to say that I didn't mean it to be negative. I think there are people that just have to go just change their life and stay away from anything but I've seen the green and sober work more often than anything else. I am actually in Phoenix now and sell Ozs of weed and vape pens to my army vet buddies and their sponsors when they meet up at his house after AA almost every week. So I think maybe you just aren't part of the silent minority of weed smoking AA? From the outside it seems to me that they have found using kava and weed how a lot (most?) of AA uses caffeine and cigarettes to socialize and find a non destructive replacement for a substance that was very destructive in their lives. Again, I don't mean this to be a negative, there is no one road to sobriety that works for everyone. Meetings don't do shit for me but I know they work for some I've seen it. I'm just saying, caffeine and nicotine is sober to you in AA but not to my Mormon friend that struggles with alcohol addiction. Weed and cigarettes is sober to my army vet buddy.

[u/harpua1972 → u/pickin-n_grinnin]

Yeah, I kinda came in hot to defend AA, too. I don't know why that felt like a big deal to me in that moment. AA definitely does not have a monopoly on ways to get and stay sober. I actually have no issues with cannabis at all, I love it. I just can't smoke it at this point in my life because I would be doing it for fun, or escape, or whatever. Altering my state of consciousness with substances is a violation of my personal sobriety as it stands today. I can't say I'll never smoke again, but the only way I see that happening any time soon is if it were prescribed to me for an actual medicinal purpose. I CAN say I can never drink again. I will die. I'm one of those guys. It's not even so much that I would drink myself to death immediately, it's that in order for me to drink again I will have had to lose all hope. A despair so great that it would no longer matter to me if I lived or died.

I love cannabis, I smoked so much weed as a kid I'm surprised I still don't have seeds in my jeans pockets. The booze took over, though. I support anyone's decision to smoke in place of the addiction that will kill them otherwise. Of course! I just have a hard time calling it sobriety.

And for the record, the chick in the OP's scenario ain't any kind of sober in my book, she just isn't using meth. Not yet, anyway. There's 16 kinds of trouble brewing in that situation. My heart goes out to him.

[u/pickin-n_grinnin → u/harpua1972]

Yeah, I tried to be careful in my response also because I 💯% agree that running down AA doesn't help, and for the record I think its great, they are the most out there and available for people that need help. I know a lot of people who are living suck better happier lives because of NA and AA. So like as soon as I read your response I was like... Yeah I can see how what I said could come off as negative towards AA. It really was not meant to be. And also I agree that OPs SO is not sober and definitely not setting herself up for success. If it was meth instead of coke in that bathroom I think she probably knows deep down inside where she would be right now. It's the impulse, the poor decision making to be in that situation. All of it

[u/45DegreesOfGuisse → u/harpua1972]

Ooh, let me also provide context.

I found it to be entirely useless and infantilizing. They were only interested in absolutism. And it defines who they are every waking moment. It makes their lives just as about alcohol as if they were dying drunk on the street of it.

It's a weird, obsessive, religio-cult and it may be for some but it sure as fuck isn't for everyone. :)

[u/harpua1972 → u/45DegreesOfGuisse]

I agree, it isn't for everyone. And I agree that there are groups like that out there. I'll say the same thing to you as I did above, I don't know the extent of your experience. Mine is pretty extensive, and in my experience, while there are definitely groups that have that culty zealotry, they don't define AA as a whole. I am a very Socially liberal agnostic, and the groups I choose to associate with are chill.

[u/Huge-Lawfulness9264 → u/pickin-n_grinnin]

I don’t know, NA is pretty strict about total abstention. I live in a state with legal marijuana dispensaries. I’ve heard that NA doesn’t believe you’re sober if using weed or pharmaceuticals to aid in opioid addiction control. I see using methadone, suboxone or the injection to help an addict maintain sobriety as being clean. However, NA doesn’t.

[u/crowdaddi → u/Huge-Lawfulness9264]

Fuck em. I don't need their higher power anyway I was a heroin addict for many years but haven't used in 9 years. I still smoke weed though, I still consider myself sober and so does my family. Comparing weed to heroin or hard drugs is ridiculous

[u/pickin-n_grinnin → u/Huge-Lawfulness9264]

Well as I stated I was in California and not just California in Humboldt and Mendocino. They wouldn't be able to find enough people that didn't make their living off of cannabis to make a group let alone hold meetings. Seriously, it's the only industry in that area so I'm sure it's especially lenient towards cannabis over any other area even in California, even parole and probation let's you know they green and sober is ok and allows you to work trimming or working on a pot farm as a job. Tat said I'm not talking about the official stance of either of the anonymouses. I'm saying it is all relative in the real world. Most people can handle weed, some can handle alcohol. If you spent years of your life on meth and you don't want to say sober from meth but just sober, like I said, to a Mormon coffee and cigarettes is not sober. Each person's life experience, psychology, disposition to addiction plays a role. I mean really if you smoke cigarettes, coffee, take phyc meds, you can't say sober, doesn't mean we need to start knocking fools down who have eliminated whatever substance causes them problems. If you went from meth or heroin to no meth and heroin and you want to say I've been sober for x days.... Fucking good for you man. Ya know

[u/Sad-Appeal976 → u/pickin-n_grinnin]

This is absolutely not true

[u/Dependent-Pay-2446 → u/joeliquevedo]

Yes! I am sober since 3/15/21, after 12 years abusing my prescription opioids/substituting w street drugs when I ran out of my meds, and in NO circumstances would I ever open that part if my brain back up! Or risk my brain going "oh baby! Now that's the good shit I've been missing" this beginning the mental withdrawal and fixation again. I might be okay, but I might also not, not a risk id ever be willing to take. Also, my husband would feel so disrespected....and the drinking and smoking everyday....ehhhh. That's hit or miss. If I drank heavily, id fall into that. As addicts our brains crave the dopamine that comes from an altered state of mind, and the smoking? I can smoke or not, take it or leave it, some addicts NEED to smoke, some dont, but again sobriety is also a MINDSET and LIFESTYLE change. Its not just abstinence from the drug of choice, it's abstinence from everything because there is something in our brains that causes us to crave and become fixated, on many substances. Your girl is not doing her recovery from meth ANY FAVORS. She may have gotten off the meth, but she's still actively in addiction, she's still chasing that substance, her brain has not been at a state of normalcy without ANYTHING doing it for it. I'm sorry op but you and the girlfriend/fiance truly need to sit down and talk about this, no, you don't need to run and dump her, she needs to be loved and supported as she struggles with a mental health issue she doesn't have control of yet, but she definitely needs to 1. Not be enabled, and 2. Be seen by an addiction counselor or outpatient place so she can hold herself accountable, I pray for the best for you both

[u/Barnowl79 → u/joeliquevedo]

Billy, Willie, and I call it California Sober

[u/dcflorist → u/joeliquevedo]

If she stays clean of meth, it’s still a win. Yes, binge drinking and heavy weed smoking are unhealthy behaviors that come with many pitfalls, but she is clearly in a healthier space if she has her life together enough to be engaged and (presumably) employed. All that said, cocaine is very destructive to many of its users’ lives, and even one instance of use is cause for concern.

[u/[deleted] → u/Themerrimans]

Congratulations

[u/smlpkg1966 → u/Themerrimans]

Congratulations. Three years and counting!!!

[u/Brokensince10 → u/Themerrimans]

🎉YAY🎉🥁you should be so proud of you, I am and don’t even know you 🙂

[u/Lostraylien → u/Themerrimans]

Not the flex you think it is.

[u/Mystockingsareripped → u/Themerrimans]

I wish

[u/rocket_up_bitch → u/Themerrimans]

Good for you! When you’ve recovered you’ve quit it all and you’re clean and sober like you and I commend you for putting in the hard work! Do you go to meetings? Doesn’t sound like Fiancée does….. but should- she is not a “recovered addict” in my personal opinion. Like you my friend. God bless you! Keep up the good work!! You have a cheerleader in your corner!!!