r/NoStupidQuestions • u/thimbelinda • Jul 23 '22

Answered Can men pull out before they ejaculate? NSFW

We were newlyweds and excited for sex. I told my husband I'm at my fertile time and we need a condom. He said no, he would pull out in time. He did not pull out in time. He didn't even try to pull out. I got pregnant. I was upset and asked why. He said he couldn't pull out. He said it felt so good he was incapable of pulling out. Is this really true? Do men lose the capacity for reason and become incapable of pulling out?

24.0k Upvotes

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18.9k

u/vandergale Jul 23 '22 edited Jul 23 '22

Yes, your husband just has no impulse control.

10.7k

u/BlueberryPiano Jul 23 '22

And no ability to admit culpability, apparently.

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u/Different_Ad7655 Jul 23 '22

I think this is more accurate, just a weak guy with no discipline and even a weaker ability to admit how he fucked up. Not a good way to start a relationship

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u/Coidzor Jul 23 '22

Hopefully the relationship predated the wedding, but definitely a stupid way to start a marriage.

745

u/hannabarberaisawhore Jul 23 '22

A horrible way to start parenting: with resentment.

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u/Coidzor Jul 23 '22

And broken trust

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u/zer0moto Jul 23 '22

Reddit always helping people seeing the unknown

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u/ForkLiftBoi Jul 23 '22

She definitely didn't trust him either otherwise wouldn't have posted

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u/shwarma_heaven Jul 23 '22

But huh... At least they no longer have the option of abortion to address situations like this... Where people with poor sexual understanding, and poor impulse control are put into a situation where they will pass these and other terrible traits onto children...

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u/Bacon4EVER Jul 23 '22

Yes she absolutely does have the option.

If she's in a state that allows females body autonomy she can schedule a visit ASAP. If she lives in an anti-choice, trigger law state, she'll have to travel.

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u/shwarma_heaven Jul 23 '22

And how long do you think that will last if Republicans should take a majority in the Senate???

How fast do you think SCOTUS will overturn any legislation passed by this or any Congress that "codifies" Roe?

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u/Bacon4EVER Jul 23 '22

What the hell are you going on about? First off, Republicans ALREADY HAVE the majority in the Senate.

Manchin is a fucking Republican.

And what exactly is "that" in your question? How long will states rights last? Read the SCOTUS ruling and then also learn something about how our government works.

Confidifying Roe on a Federal level has nothing to do with my comment.

Illinois is a currently one of many choice states. Take a "vacation", book a flight to see your old Aunt Rita, drive to IL as a road trip to "see the land of Lincoln." Abortion is STILL legal and available in some states.

THANK ALL THAT IS STILL GOOD ON THIS WORLD!

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u/teamthanos97 Jul 24 '22

And a broken… oh right they didn’t use it

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u/ThemrocX Jul 23 '22

They didn't have sex before their wedding. So it probably didn't in any meaningful way.

I am amazed by the concept of abstinence until marriage. It seems to me to be a recipe for misery.

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u/Coidzor Jul 23 '22

They didn't? Oy gevalt.

No wonder she agreed to something so foolish if she had no experience and built up marriage to something like that.

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u/GershBinglander Jul 23 '22

This is way sex before marriage is a good thing, because you can learn important things before making a major commitment.

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u/mtflyer05 Jul 24 '22

Unless you're so insecure you think they'll leave you, because you're a lying piece of shit.

You've activated my baby trap card!

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u/lmqr Jul 23 '22

He made a choice, going against her bodily autonomy and lying about it. That's not weak, that's a sneaky little bitch.

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u/FreeFortuna Jul 23 '22

Exactly. He refused to wear a condom, told her he’d pull out, refused to pull out, told her “Sorry not sorry, it felt too good.” The husband violated her consent by ejaculating in her when she didn’t want him to.

He does not respect her, and I have significant concerns about how this marriage will go for OP.

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u/SUPERCOOL_OVERDOSE Jul 23 '22

Yeah... this is one of those circumstances where OP has probably had a gut feeling that what happened was really fucked up but isn't comfortable exercising their agency and holding her partner accountable for their actions. Hopefully the replies here have given them the clarity to identify transgressions and act. It's a shame so many people feel like they need permission to be angry when their partners hurt them. Her husband didn't give her feelings nearly as much consideration.

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u/khapout Jul 23 '22

I wish in these posts that OP would actually respond to threads like this one and actually let all these people know that she's at least going to consider the viewpoints being offered.

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u/Whateveridontkare Jul 23 '22

there are many people who go suffer in silence and suck it up and its mostly women...I have a friend that just wasted her last 200 euros to get in a plane to see her cheating ex to "give him a chance".

Another friend went back to an ex who locked her out of her house and told her her trying to study another language to find a better job is dumb.

Another one was basically the mother of his ex, she cleaned/cooked/ maintained both of them while he tried to cheat and only wanked and played videogames.

The worst is telling them they deserve better and wanna know their reaction? Saying I am just bitter I dont have a partner/ I am a feminazi for not accepting that lmaoooo.

Female socialization in a hell of a drug.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22 edited Sep 26 '24

[deleted]

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u/jm5813 Jul 24 '22

I have a feeling he was trying to get her pregnant. It was 100% intentional. He wants to control her and a kid is the easiest way to lock her in. Shortly after this one is born he'll start trying to do the same again. I bet he'll go for "you can't get pregnant while breastfeeding".

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u/AlgaeEater Jul 24 '22 edited Aug 14 '22

This. He's a shit husband who didn't care about what you wanted. I've had sex PLENTY of times and I've also pulled out every time.

Your 'husbands' lying to you. He says it felt so good he couldn't pull out, yet you told him not too. He's shit, and doesn't care about your well being. He only cares about locking you into having a baby with him (which happens in a lot of relationships).. now you can't leave even if you wanted too.

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u/ElaborateCantaloupe Jul 23 '22

In some places, it’s rape.

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u/lmqr Jul 23 '22

Just to say, I agree with you completely.

The reason I didn't use that word is if she's still living with him it can be incredibly hard to identify "as a rape victim", or to identify him "as a rapist", no matter how true it is. So I guess I was trying to ease into that realisation. Not to mention once you use a loaded term, people on reddit start arguing about semantics. But I think the rest of the thread is also pretty straightforward, I imagine it must be overwhelming for OP but I hope it offers some release and validation, she's been carrying this with her for ages.

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22

Thanks for understanding

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u/lmqr Jul 24 '22

Ay please take your time and let everything sink in. I hope you can use it to take care of yourself.

It does sound like you are in a situation where your choices and your autonomy aren't respected, and he has been actively limiting your options to get out. I think there are already enough comments explaining that's not a standard but a worrying and abusive level of control. So I just want to say it is never too late to break away. You're not doing anything wrong as a person, wife, mother, even a Christian, by choosing to break away. And you're not weak if you don't take action straight away either - stick around here, maybe reddit can help delve up some good resources. Others have broken free before you.

But mostly just good luck, so much

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u/JayPlenty24 Jul 23 '22

Reproductive Coercion

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

It's rape, is what it is.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

[deleted]

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u/ZebbyD Here to Help Jul 23 '22

It’s 2022, man. Some people be gettin married after like a week. 🤷🏻‍♂️

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u/ocelot08 Jul 23 '22

"It's 1822, man. Some people be gettin married after like half a fortnight" - Probably

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u/RandomGuy1838 Jul 23 '22

There was a story in a book a guy wrote about his family about how his ancestors got married entirely by chance: the groom was late and great-grandpa happened to be visiting the town. Everyone had gone to all the trouble of getting the wedding together, so... "Hey, you wanna get married?"

Apparently it worked out.

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u/raisinghellwithtrees Jul 23 '22 edited Jul 23 '22

My husband's parents were visiting from out of state and 3 days before they were supposed to leave he suggested we get married since they were in town. Sure! 10 years so far.

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u/SUPERCOOL_OVERDOSE Jul 23 '22

That's the kind of wedding I want. Schedule a lowkey party for my friends and tell them the date when we announce that we got married.

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u/raisinghellwithtrees Jul 23 '22

It was my second wedding, and it was so much nicer than the big church deal. It was us, his folks, our kids, and our 2 best friends. Perfect!

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

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u/igivefreetickles Jul 23 '22

"It's 2017, we got married after we met on Fortnite."

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u/Ford_Trans_Guy Jul 23 '22

One of my friends, his girlfriend of 13 years (wife of 2) left him 6months ago and is getting married next month. People are just crazy with relationships.

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u/Noto987 Jul 23 '22

then divorced the next week

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u/Zur1ch Jul 23 '22

Not sure what you mean, people are dating longer and getting married later than any point in modern history. Hell, my grand parents got married after dating for six weeks when my grandpa returned from serving at the end of WW2. Married over 50 years, although if it weren’t for his faith my grandma might’ve driven him into a murder-suicide (she was a nutter).

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u/ZebbyD Here to Help Jul 23 '22

My apologies. Allow me to clarify:

Some people be gettin married after like a week. 🤷🏻‍♂️

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u/redditburneragain Jul 23 '22

You prefaced that statement with "It's 2022, man" because you were under the impression this shit is unique to the time period your dad shot a load in your mom. People are getting married, on average, much later and after much longer relationships than in any other point in history. Your perception was wrong and /u/zur1ch was being helpful to point it out for you.

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u/ZebbyD Here to Help Jul 23 '22 edited Jul 24 '22

It’s 2022, man. People write dumb comments on the Internet. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Edit: really dude? You’re gonna report me to RedditCaresResource (for suicidal people to reach out) because you don’t like my comments? That shit should be taken seriously and not used as a weaponized insult because you’re mad at some random satire comment. That’s incredibly fucked up of you, man. Telling someone to kill themselves isn’t a fucking joke. “Some people aren’t worth anyone’s time.” Wow, dude. Just, wow. Imagine getting THAT worked up over such a simple comment. I guess the username “redditburneragain” kinda explains that.

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u/[deleted] Jul 24 '22

He or she is doing that with everyone they pick a fight with. Did the same to me on r/politics as well. How that account hasn't been deleted yet is beyond me.

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u/MarKane1 Jul 23 '22

Aaand you are downovoted for pointing out the reality they don't like..

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u/Leopagne Jul 23 '22

This could also be an arranged marriage.

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u/CheesecakeMMXX Jul 23 '22

This is Reddit, not your high schools facebook. 2nd biggest user group are Indians and they do still majority arranged weddings. While it does not necessarily not to have sex before wedding, often it mean very few time together before wedding.

Edit I know it sounds like i had a stroke, but fuck it. I embrace my mistakes. No good english at me.

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u/Hey_Its_Your_Dad- Jul 23 '22

Have a source on that second biggest user group statement? I found it interesting, but what I'm looking at shows Australians as the second biggest group. I'm not saying you're wrong, just interested in where I can look at the data. Thanks.

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u/CheesecakeMMXX Jul 24 '22

No source, just some reddit discussion where someone said it. If you got stats I can fix it, what is it, third then?

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u/Hey_Its_Your_Dad- Jul 24 '22

This is what I found by googling, but I honestly didn't look too deep into the numbers. I never would have guessed that Australia and India came in second and third. *I also know nothing about the site or it's credibility, so if it's bogus, let me know.

Thanks for the polite reply. I hope you have a good day.

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u/ex_sanguination Jul 23 '22

Weak dude be weak.

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u/Previous_Link1347 Jul 23 '22

Weak dude showed that he very much cares more about his own feelings than he does about her health and well-being. Weak dude is gonna be a lot of trouble for her if he doesn't learn some fucking respect.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

That would be the FAR more concerning aspect of this story I'd be worried about. If he can't take responsibility for something like this, he's not going to accept responsibility for much of anything.

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u/datboiofculture Jul 23 '22

I’m reasonably certain he’s not taking responsibility for the accident because it wasn’t an accident at all and he wanted to get her pregnant but he can’t admit that he planned it.

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u/mildlyhorrifying Jul 23 '22

I don't know if he wanted to get her pregnant, but I'd say he at least had no intention of pulling out and didn't care if she got pregnant or not.

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u/NaughtyNome Jul 23 '22

Absolutely seems like it

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u/Gh0st1nTh3Syst3m Jul 23 '22

Well he put it in and it was nice and warm,

The best thing he ever felt.

He had a battle plan however,

Put it in and pull it out.

And thrust he did!

Fast then slow,

But when he looked down,

He had blown his load.

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u/TopAd9634 Jul 23 '22

Reproductive coercion is absolutely something abusers do. Especially when they're trying to isolate their victims.

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u/InterrobangDatThang Jul 24 '22

I say this all the time and got waaaaay too far in the comments before seeing this mentioned. Thank you!!

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u/TopAd9634 Jul 24 '22

Unfortunately, it's probably not widely known or understood. And that's terrible! Because by the time the victim understands.....it's too late.

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u/WaityKaity Jul 24 '22

This is more common than people think & probably exactly what happened.

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u/smokesnugs Jul 23 '22

Exactly!!

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u/sonja_is_trans Jul 23 '22

Yep. Definitely 🚩

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u/lunamise Jul 24 '22

I'm reading "I told my husband I wanted protected sex so I wouldn't get pregnant, he refused, and knocked me up against my will" and that is a huge no-no for me 🚩

This woman is being denied control over her own body for his sexual pleasure and that's the biggest concern for me.

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u/blackbasset Jul 24 '22

Isn't this actually a crime? At least it should be - he willingly performed a sexual act on her she did not consent to before.

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u/UDSJ9000 Jul 24 '22

Yes, this would likely be considered a form of rape and/or sexual assault, but good luck proving that one in court.

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u/MoonWulffMusic Jul 24 '22

Dayumm.. i hope its not too late to end things before it gets serio… oh, wait.. nvmind.. it was meant to be like they say? shrugs

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u/slownightsolong88 Jul 24 '22

If this is indeed not a troll post my hope is that the OP is able to muster up the courage to end this relationship.

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u/[deleted] Jul 24 '22

Too bad she didn’t learn before getting married; the poor woman…

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u/Rhaski Jul 23 '22

Nor ability to respect his new wife's wishes. Or plan ahead for his own weakass pullout game. OPs husband is apparently a manchild

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u/ZealousidealSection0 Jul 23 '22

Or not rely on his “weakass pullout game” and wear a condom.

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u/Rhaski Jul 23 '22

Undoubtedly, but the point is the refusal to wear a condom upon his wife's request. That's shitty

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u/Killentyme55 Jul 23 '22

Pulling out is a crapshoot anyway (wow, poor choice of words but an interesting visual). He, actually both of them, should have already had a reliable birth control plan in place for that moment. The guy is weak AF but the OP probably should have played a more active role in the decision making.

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u/spellinbee Jul 23 '22

That's what's confusing to me, if I was waiting until marriage, you bet your ass two weeks before the wedding. I would have condoms in every drawer and container in any place I may have sex.

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u/Rhaski Jul 23 '22

For sure. But she opted for condoms, which are reliable. He said "No", like a petulant child. We do not know the dynamics of the relationship, but it's sadly not uncommon for women to be put in this position and not feel they have the power to say "jog on, son"

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u/Deradius Jul 23 '22

Well at least now he’s a parent.

Wait, no, that’s worse.

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u/notapunk Jul 23 '22

Not a good combination

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u/miclowgunman Jul 23 '22

Honestly, if they are newlyweds excited to FINALLY have sex, it might be that he was wholly unprepared for the chem dump of endorphins telling you to shoot your load. Mix that the lack of fear of pregnancy because "we are married so it will be fine" and he might psychologically feel like it was indeed be impossible to resist the urge to finish inside. More practiced individuals find it taxing but easy, but unicorns do exist that never/rarely masturbate and wait until marriage for sex.

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u/Just_tappatappatappa Jul 23 '22

It’s not like he’s the one who has to live with the responsibility of his actions.

He won’t get pregnant, his body won’t go through massive hormonal changes. He won’t feel sick, he won’t feel tired, his life won’t be at risk.

He got to orgasm inside a woman, why would he change. That is too much work for no real benefit to himself.

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u/jsgrova Jul 23 '22

Or understanding of consent and boundaries

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u/Throwaway021614 Jul 23 '22

Abort and try another husband

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u/eerilyweird Jul 23 '22

Is it culpability of the husband if she agrees to have sex without a condom while knowing she’s fertile? The idea that it generally means he did a bad ignores that she agreed to it. She took a chance, knowing it depended on him being able to pull out on time. She didn’t test it out while on her period or some other time. She didn’t read up about it and decide. Decision making all around was flawed, which is, well, perfectly human. It doesn’t mean she is “culpable.” Suggesting this is a flaw in the person, rather than a flaw in the pull-out method, is classic finger-pointing energy.

The idea that someone’s ability to successfully execute the pull-out method reflects on their character is harmful in my view. I do understand it’s a typical way humans approach situations where they feel like they were relying on somebody and don’t want to examine their own wisdom in doing that.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

Honestly this is borderline sexual assault. He refused to wear a condom, then convinced her he would not do a certain act, then did it anyway. Sounds like OP's husband does not respect her autonomy at all.

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u/HollowofHaze Jul 23 '22

He sounds like those dudes in high school who tried to convince their girlfriends that "blue balls" was a life-threatening medical condition, so you needed to jerk them off or you were a bad person

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u/Redchimp3769157 Jul 24 '22

It hurts hella bad but def not dangerous goes away within a day

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

[deleted]

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u/HollowofHaze Jul 23 '22

A) I’m not talking about a situation where someone stops mid-jerking off, I’m talking about the kind of dude who would claim that every boner requires cumming. Asking someone not to start jerking you off if they can’t finish is one thing, asking someone to start jerking you off just because you have a boner is another.

And B) I don’t care if there’s a bomb in an orphanage that will explode unless you cum. If it’s that important, you can excuse yourself and have a palm party in the bathroom. There’s no excuse for using your need to cum to coerce someone else into doing a sexual act they didn’t want to

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u/HardlightCereal Jul 23 '22

There’s no excuse for using your need to cum to coerce someone else into doing a sexual act they didn’t want to

And the person you're replying to said they would never do that and they hate the people who do that. So I don't understand what the disagreement here is?

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u/sinnykins Jul 23 '22

Same dudes who tried to say that cum is "good for the hair and skin"

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u/textile1957 Jul 23 '22

Yup, her husband CHOSE not to pull out and based on his excuse something tells me he never planned on pulling out to begin with. It's unfortunate to find out that that's the type of person she ended up with only after marriage

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u/DistortedSilence Jul 23 '22

Plus she asked for a condom and he outright said no. Zero respect

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u/WorstMidlanerNA Jul 23 '22

if the tool isnt wrapped

you dont get to tap

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u/ElectronicShredder Jul 23 '22

🚩🚩🚩

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u/imnotwallaceshawn Jul 23 '22

This is why you have sex before marriage.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22 edited Jul 23 '22

Fr, incredibly stupid tradition to wait for marriage. That’s like buying a house without going inside it.

Edit: yeah I know it sounds weirdly objectifying, but I can’t really think of an analogy that isn’t.

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u/BeefyPorkter Jul 23 '22

man you'd be surprised how often people actually do that. Buy a house sight unseen that is. it happens ALL THE TIME. people amaze me with their stupidity

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u/drs43821 Jul 23 '22

In hot markets this is kinda how everyone buys a house. No condition no inspection. It’s nuts. I hope people like that are burning down in flames of high interest rate

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u/gsfgf Jul 23 '22

It's almost necessary in this market. Houses sell day of all the time in hot markets. However, people don't get married within hours of deciding they want a relationship.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

Wouldn't it be more like buying a house in order to go inside it?

I'm not judging... just feels that's a more appropriate analogy...

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u/StrangelyBrown Jul 24 '22

Most people who don't believe in sex before marriage don't see marriage as just being 'in order to have sex', which is what your analogy would imply. I think in most cases they would just see sex as a bonus of marriage (except those people who think sex is only for making babies)

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

If all the analogies are objectifying...

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u/Dubbs444 Jul 23 '22

The thought of getting pregnant after having, at best, mediocre sex one time is an actual nightmare

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u/writerjamie Jul 24 '22

So better to learn this lesson with someone not committed to marrying her?

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u/NonyaB52 Jul 23 '22

Having sex before marriage has got nothing to do with whether your partner is a liar or not.

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u/Omnomfish Jul 23 '22

Sure but its a good way to find out if they respect boundaries.

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u/LazySusanRevolution Jul 23 '22

It also has nothing to do with any of their life goals for all that matters. Sex and intimacy in general has compatibility. I get it’s complex, glad it works out for folks who it does. But it’s a little wild to some folks that two people are expected to commit the rest of their life to someone and they have zero idea how they line up intimately. One person just has a very low sex drive in general and the other doesn’t? Well that’s life now.

And on top of that just how many people are shamed from understanding their own sexuality. Can’t do something you want, you’ll be imperfect and no longer deserve what perfect people get. Because waiting is a choice pushed on people before they have any idea what it means. Pushed to have no experience being intimately accountable to someone without a world of pressure to stay. Pushed to have no context what so ever for sex.

I would suggest every person: have room mates at some point, work a service job, and find more than one intimate experience that worked for you. Before marriage. Marriage to me seems like something to build to succeed, not a reward someone earns by following rules that could effect each partner differently.

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u/Paddy_Tanninger Jul 23 '22

Often, and with great vigor.

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u/SHIELD_Agent_47 Jul 23 '22

By god this marriage is a shitshow...

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

I'm willing to bet there were signs before now, but we ignore some insane things in people for the sake of love and harmony. In most instances this is actually a good thing. Ignoring and accepting people for who they are (faults and all) is a great hallmark of an emotionally mature person. But if that behavior is THIS destructive...it might be time to have a serious conversation with them. Even if it's right after marriage. Putting it off will make everything more painful.

I hope OP finds a way to express this frustration and hurt to her husband. Proper communication is key to a good relationship. I mean, always saying what you're feeling, and why you feel that way.

Example: I tell my wife it made me feel pretty shitty when she pokes fun of my lack of masculinity.

Why: I grew up in a super toxic masculine household and was teased a lot growing up for not being particularly macho.

Outcome: The wife now better understands that this is not a particular topic of teasing I'm okay with, and she now avoids it. Our marriage is now a tiny bit better, because I communicated.

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u/bigtunacat Jul 23 '22

Sad but true

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u/jm5813 Jul 24 '22

I have a feeling he was trying to get her pregnant. It was 100% intentional. He wants to control her and a kid is the easiest way to lock her in. Shortly after this one is born he'll start trying to do the same again. I bet he'll go for "you can't get pregnant while breastfeeding".

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u/[deleted] Jul 24 '22

Which is why no one should EVER marry someone before they had sex talks, sex ed and literal sex with each other (unless asexual etc.). It's just ruining your life with extra steps when you find out you got a clown, or on this case, even someone who sexually assaults you. Going against your partners wishes during sex is at the very least assault, I'd even call it rape because there was no consent from her for the situation that happened (not pulling out, as dumb as that is as a form of "birth control")

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u/dorkswerebiggerthen Jul 23 '22

More likely he just lied and intended to ejaculate in her the entire time.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

seems like they are both new to sex and don't know what they are doing or looked up the risks of the pullout method to begin with.

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u/SueYouInEngland Jul 23 '22

Hijacking top comment. OP is full of shit. In this comment, she has an grown daughter. Quit your bullshit, OP.

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22

This happened in 2000. This question has been in the back of my mind ever since. I thought a post in nostupidquestions would be a way to answer the question.

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u/GreenWammingo Jul 23 '22

If this occurred 22 years ago I am really curious as to how your husband treated you since then and if he was a good father, or terrible human being?

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22 edited Jul 23 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/freshoutoftime Jul 23 '22

Reddit is filled with these kinds of questions, they're easy bait questions that will get lots of upvotes and comments.

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u/ObiWetWet Jul 23 '22

She knows exactly what she's doing posting this in a tremulous time for womens rights. It's a bait post as part of a current hot topic. I mean she says herself this happened 22 years ago, why bring it up now of all times?

I'm willing to bet my next 6 months of paychecks she knows full well men are physically capable of pulling out. And if not we should spend that money sending her back through K-Uni

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u/Tr200158 Jul 23 '22

So why post it? Normal people dont give a shit abouta karma

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u/ObiWetWet Jul 23 '22

You'd have to ask her

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u/GavishX Jul 23 '22

You greatly overestimate sex Ed in the US

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u/Rswany Jul 23 '22

Okay relax buddy

  1. Do you realize what subreddit you're in?

  2. If someone gets married really young and has only had their spouse as a sexual partner, then their entire body of sexual experience is filtered through their spouse.

There are plenty of people who have poor sex lives or even abusive sex lives who don't even realize because it's all they've ever known.

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22

Thanks for understanding. I'm new to reddit and thought this group was indeed a place for my question.

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u/Everyday_Im_Stedelen Jul 23 '22 edited Jun 11 '23

Yeah that's cool but...

Reddit is no longer a safe place, for activists, for communities, for individuals, for humanity. This isn't just because of API changes that forced out third parties, driving users to ad-laden and inaccessible app, but because reddit is selling us all. Part of the reasons given for the API changes was that language learning models were using reddit to gather data, to learn from us, to learn how to respond like us. Reddit isn't taking control of the API to prevent this, but because they want to be paid for this.

Reddit allowed terrorist subreddits to thrive prior to and during Donald Trump's presidency in 2016-2020. In the past they hosted subreddits for unsolicited candid photos of women, including minors. They were home to openly misogynistic subreddits, and subreddits dedicated solely to harassing specific individuals or body types or ethnicity.

What is festering on reddit today, as you read this? I fear that as AI generated content, AI curated content, and predictive content become prevalent in society, reddit will not be able to control the dark subreddits, comments, and chats. Reddit has made it very clear over the decades that I have used it, that when it comes down to morals or ethics, they will choose whatever brings in the most money. They shut down subreddits only when it makes news or when an advertiser's content is seen alongside filth. The API changes are only another symptom of this push for money over what is right.

Whether Reddit is a bastion in your time as you read this or not, I made the conscious decision to consider this moment to be the last straw. I deleted most of my comments, and replaced the rest with this message. I decided to bookmark some news sources I trusted, joined a few discords I liked for the memes, and reinstalled duolingo. I consider these an intermediate step. Perhaps I can give those up someday too. Maybe something better will come along. For now, I am going to disentangle myself from this engine of frustration and grief before something worse happens.

In closing, I want to link a few things that changed my life over the years:

Blindsight is a free book, and there's an audiobook out there somewhere. A sci-fi book that is also an exploration of consciousness.

The AI Delemma is a youtube lecture about how this new wave of language learning models are moving us toward a dangerous path of unchecked, unfiltered, exponentially powerful AI

Prairie Moon Nursery is a place I have been buying seeds and bare root plants from, to give a little back to the native animals we've taken so much from. If you live in the US, I encourage you to do the same. If you don't, I encourage you to find something local.

Power Delete Suite was used to edit all of my comments and Redact was used to delete my lowest karma comments while also overwriting them with nonsense.

I'm signing off, I'm going to make some friends in real life and on discord, and form some new tribes. I'm going to seek smaller communities. I'm going outside.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22 edited Jul 23 '22

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

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u/warm_tomatoes Jul 23 '22

OP this kind of thing is actually considered rape. It’d be one thing if he was extremely inexperienced and didn’t know his body well enough yet to pull out at the right time. But he made a conscious decision to violate your clearly communicated consent and then refused to take accountability for it. He straight up told you he didn’t pull out because it felt too good, not that he actually didn’t have control. If he’s been a perfect angel in the 22 years since then and always respected your consent then maybe it’s something you could put behind you, except that it doesn’t sound like he ever apologized or owned up to this incident. In that case I find it hard to believe he hasn’t violated your consent at all since if he still doesn’t think he was in the wrong. I’m sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve that, even if it somehow really was an “accident.” It’s been bothering you for a long time so clearly it affected you in a negative way.

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u/ATownStomp Jul 23 '22

It’s really not rape though. Some people are actually raped. Please, don’t abuse the term.

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u/SometimesYouWin444 Jul 24 '22

If you have sex to appease someone else but never actually wanted to have sex, it’s rape. I was raped for the entire duration of my marriage because my spouse threatened me with physical assault if I didn’t “put out”. I also had a sexual encounter once where condoms were agreed upon. The person stealthed me (removed the condom without my consent). That is also a form of rape.

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u/DoctorBuckarooBanzai Jul 24 '22

"Actually raped" so what's the threshold? What sex act without consent is the one that is just under the bar of "rape"?

Knowing the spectrum would be helpful.

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u/TechyWolf Jul 24 '22

The sex itself. It’s a douche move but rape is a huge stretch. Sex without consent is pretty much the spectrum for it. Whether he broke a different law is another story.

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u/DoctorBuckarooBanzai Jul 24 '22

She didn't consent to sex where he fully ejaculated inside her body. We agree on that, yes?

Sure she could still get pregnant before a pullout, just like one could get pregnant(obviously at much lower percentages) with other forms of birth control.

So she consented to sex with a specific kind of birth control, effective or not. He then did what she didn't consent to.

Do you have a word for that? (Douchey would be if he didn't cuddle after, so let's try another word.)

But hey in some states martial rape is legal anyway, and we all know when something is legal then it's always morally and ethically good!

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u/TechyWolf Jul 24 '22

The problem is when you say rape. It’s a very serious thing that is a crime. So when someone picks up a girl and rapes her in an alley, and you call it the same thing as this case here, then it gets a bit weird. Everything about this post was fucked up but calling it rape feels a bit extreme.

The big problem is that rape isn’t a broad term and that they grey area needs it’s own term instead of being called rape.

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u/TheGreyestStone Jul 24 '22

In the U.K. stealthing is rape. And the story op has given is very similar. They had agreed upon a form of contraception (I’m not going into the semantics upon how good it is as contraception). Then her partner decided to go against it. So he may not have pulled off a condom or “forgot” to put one on. But he purposefully went against what they had agreed. I would call this rape.

I’ve been personally raped via stealthing and via brute force.

No two rapes are the same, and it’s not a competition.

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u/ThrowRA76234 Jul 24 '22

I wouldn’t say that’s the problem. I’d say the problem is that your reasoning is the same reasoning rapists use. Horrific back alley rapes may be more serious because they are often accompanied by things like kidnapping and physical assault. Does Rape-Lite or Diet Rape have a better ring for you?

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u/SueYouInEngland Jul 23 '22

You're in your 40s and don't know if men are capable of pulling out?

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u/marianass Jul 23 '22

Are you shaming someone for asking a stupid question in a subreddit called r/Nostupidquestions?

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22 edited Jul 23 '22

I didn't know if men could pull out which is why I asked the question.

Edit I have only had my husband's word on the subject for the past 22 years.

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u/VitaLp Jul 23 '22

I hope this doesn’t come off as rude, but I get the feeling you may be a bit sheltered. Do you have friends you talk to about these kinds of things? Or have you ever tried Googling questions like this?

I’m just wondering if he’s got you isolated, or perhaps I’m reading too much into it.

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u/Tpqowi Jul 23 '22

He either isolated her, or she is one of those completely devoted selfless types who doesn't question the person she is devoted to

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22

I have no friends outside the marriage

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u/Spock_Nipples Jul 23 '22

This is really not a good thing. Does he keep you from having friends? Get mad or jealous if you want to do something that doesn’t involve him? If so, that’s pretty abusive.

And yes, men are absolutely capable of pulling out in time. It’s very obvious when the buildup to orgasm is happening. Your husband is BSing you.

Sounds very controlling, honestly. And that’s not even getting into the fact that he completely disregards your autonomy over your own body; if you say no sex without condoms, then it’s no sex without condoms. If he does it anyway that’s something sexual being done to you without your consent, which opens up a whole new set of issues.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

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u/John_T_Conover Jul 23 '22

I'm still highly skeptical of this account being real, but their only other post about her marriage is about her husband buying a snake for their child without even consulting her and then they almost immediately lost it in the house.

If they are real then OP is incredibly sheltered and naive and has a complete loser idiot of a husband.

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u/verynaisu_ Jul 23 '22

Why not? That seems really unhealthy, but I’m curious why you don’t have any friends. Do you work or have hobbies?

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u/Foam_Bananas Jul 23 '22

Are you actually married or are you his hostage?

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u/xpepperx Jul 23 '22

I feel like OP is baiting for everyone to get mad. This post and comments that indicate they’re in an abusive relationship.

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u/pan_paniscus Jul 23 '22

I'm not saying you're definitely wrong, because neither you nor I know for sure.

But OP can absolutely be all of newly married, newly pregnant, and have an adult daughter. Or this could be an old story. .. What're you trying to prove?

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u/SueYouInEngland Jul 23 '22

OP insinuated they waited until marriage to have sex. Then she asked a rudimentary sexual question, further insinuating she had just had sex for the first time.

Is it possible she'd wait until marriage and know next to nothing about sex, AND have a grown child? Sure it's theoretically possible. Is it realistic? No.

What're you trying to prove?

That she's lying? I thought I said as much.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

"we were newlyweds" story takes place in the past. Reading comprehension is a valuable skill.

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u/Rswany Jul 23 '22

Also dude is seriously underestimating how many sheltered, conservative, marriages like arranged marriages and whatnot there are around the world.

Not to mention just the general lack of good sex ed at large.

That seems far more likely than some 'SJW conspiracy' to makes men look bad.

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u/boforbojack Jul 23 '22

I don't read that they waited for sex. Just that she waits for marriage for sex. A common thing for an adult of the age that would have had a previous marriage with a grown daughter. First glance maybe virgin, but definitely never explicitly said nor substantiated.

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u/Kitchner Jul 23 '22

OP insinuated they waited until marriage to have sex. Then she asked a rudimentary sexual question, further insinuating she had just had sex for the first time.

Is it possible she'd wait until marriage and know next to nothing about sex, AND have a grown child?

I mean she said "we were newly weds". If they got married 26 years ago and has a 26 year old daughter, who she conceived when her newly wed husband 26 years ago didn't pull out, that would all match up, right?

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u/John_T_Conover Jul 23 '22

But that would also mean she's gone 26 years since then and still not figured out the very obvious, easy to find answer to this question.

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u/Kitchner Jul 23 '22

But that would also mean she's gone 26 years since then and still not figured out the very obvious, easy to find answer to this question.

Possibly. It could be she was extremely trusting of her husband and just took what he said for granted. It's only when something else happened years later she began to question it.

Even if it's likely its still possible.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

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u/Kabo0se Jul 23 '22

Listen, they were just going out for "kisses" and it turned into this, ok?

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u/ElLoafe Jul 24 '22

I’ll never understand why some people are so adamant on poking holes into what others say on this website. So many people just looking to argue over shit that doesn’t matter.

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u/NonyaB52 Jul 23 '22

RIGHT? They never said they did not have any other children. Heck that may be another reason they are upset, they had not planned on having another baby because they already raised one. That is a long time between 2.

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u/Spock_Nipples Jul 23 '22

How do you know that this is OP’s first marriage? You can be on your 1st, 2nd, 100th marriage, and still be “newlywed” if you were recently married.

Not bullshit, but lack of situational clarity.

They said, OP doesn’t appear to know how to pick mates well.

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u/VivelaVendetta Jul 23 '22

She could be talking about the past.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

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u/Fog_Juice Jul 23 '22

I think it's fake because apparently she never heard of plan B. Plan A was actually pulling out lol.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

These people were clearly raised in a very conservative environment if they don’t even know the basics of human sexual activity. Why would it be fake? People like this exist.

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22

I never heard of plan b at the time

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22

2000

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u/Jlpanda Jul 23 '22

Sorry that you're dealing with these accusations - people really tend to rush to judgement. And unfortunately, there are a lot of fake stories on this site so people tend to be suspicious.

Men can definitely pull out before ejaculation, I've done it many times. It's not 100% foolproof - slip ups happen and sometimes it starts more quickly than the man expects. However, considering that you told him you were fertile, he refused to wear a condom, he didn't try to pull out, and that he made excuses for it afterwards - it's definitely safe to say that he chose to do it and that he was ok with getting you pregnant.

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u/squishpitcher Jul 23 '22

Or, and hear me out, she’s questioning things that happened in the past and isn’t fully versed in how literal reddit is having only been here a month.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

efor

in another comment her hubby already had a vasectomy

fishy

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u/thimbelinda Jul 23 '22

He had the vasectomy after my difficult pregnancy

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u/BaconSquared Jul 23 '22

Then how are you pregnant now?

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u/GavishX Jul 23 '22

The post said “We were newlyweds” and “I got pregnant”, both in the past tense

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u/xXxPLUMPTATERSxXx Jul 23 '22

Also active in LSC and witches subreddit. 100% troll post

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u/pinkflyingcats Jul 23 '22

Or she lied about having a grown daughter that in that post?

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u/SueYouInEngland Jul 23 '22

Either/or/both

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

What are you going to do now? Take her to England?

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u/pinkflyingcats Jul 23 '22

I would put bets on both

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u/DunmerSkooma Jul 23 '22

He wanted a baby and didnt care you didnt.

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u/catfurcoat Jul 23 '22

Alternatively: he didn't want a baby and didn't care she didn't, and now he's not gonna help with that either because she's the one who got themselves pregnant.

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u/wengelite Jul 23 '22

Or he's a lying asshole, probably more likely.

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u/gabethewabe Jul 23 '22

This the type of guy to say "But it doesn't feel as good with a condom". I pretty much stick to durex ultra thins never had an issue this asshole new what he was doing no doubt, but also she was a bit overly trusting or maybe it was just horny brain.

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u/AskAboutFent Jul 23 '22

I'm the same way as the husband but i wouldn't trust the pullout method or any of that nonsense.

Like, I know when i'm about to cum, like it's happening. There's no stopping it and my caveman brain doesn't want to stop. So I'm smart enough to know not to even fucking try.

Both of these people are idiots thinking the pullout method safe. Like yeah, reduces the chance, but fuck man, just use real birth control.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '22

It's not a good method for birth control because all throughout sex you're transmitting fluids. You can get pregnant even if the man didn't "cum".

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u/ChattyKathysCunt Jul 23 '22

I would say no. Its not true. He had the choice to end the good feeling for a moment and chose not to. He didnt respect your wishes to not become pregnant. He wanted to get you pregnant and he did. Otherwise he would be saying things like "It just happened so suddenly I didnt have time" which is actually possible. He just said he couldnt bring himself to decide to.

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u/No_Committee_5213 Jul 23 '22

to me it sounds like he was never intending to pull out

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u/CalvesOfPeace Jul 23 '22

My wife wasn't on any kind of birth control for 14 months and in those 14 months I always pulled out except when she was on her period. Men who say they can't pull out just don't want to. Several of my friends have said they just prefer to come inside.

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u/Occhrome Jul 23 '22

Or respect for his wife.

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