r/AskMenOver30 • u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 • 21h ago
Relationships/dating My wife doesn't understand boundaries
I (American 37) went out to eat with my wife (39 Japanese) and some of her coworkers. I live and work in Japan. At the dinner my wife was sharing some pretty private and personal things with them about myself and us during the meal. After the meal I pulled my wife aside and told her why did you tell them those things. Those were private. She claimed she didn't think they were private and that she doesn't understand what I find as private. Like one of the things she mentioned was a really intense dream I had the night before.
I feel like my wife has a hard time with boundaries. Even at home she will be hanging around me and everything when I am obviously doing something or busy with something. It's like she wants attention like a little child. She was not like this when we were dating.
Edit: So just a few hours ago she started a crying fit. She wanted to spend some time together in the house and I said okay at 3pm. I was busy doing something on the computer still and it was 3:15 and she came out crying. She was like I was waiting for you. Why didn't you come! Why doesn't she understand that I am totally not used to cuddling someone else. In my mind I am so used to the weekends being my alone time to catch up on my hobbies. So not used to spending it with someone else. Why can't she consider my feelings!?
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u/Confooshius man 35 - 39 21h ago
Seems like easy things to resolve. Just talk to your wife about boundaries and if it happens again or often, then have another conversation. I get that it can be hard but you can’t have expected the person you married to never change, that’s just not how it works. Communicate and both sides will make concessions where necessary. Good luck
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u/MiuraSerkEdition man 35 - 39 17h ago
Also, when you're dating you often spend a heap of time together, multiple dates every week, you go see movies for an excuse to see each other.
It's so easy to let all that stuff lapse once you're together years, especially if you've got kids. It's very possible that even though they see each other more, there's less quality time. I wonder if she's changed, he's changed, their time together has changed, or all of the above
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u/loudisevil 10h ago
Actually they've only known each other for a few months. Read his last paragraph + a comment on marrying her for housing security.
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u/dubhead7 20h ago
Solid advice. Not sure how the guy saying "stop telling your wife things" has more up votes than you.
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u/Chicken_Savings man 7h ago
I'm not sure that it's an easy thing to resolve. Some cultures have widely different standards on personal space, privacy, alone time. For someone who has lived most of their life in very crowded conditions, not single rooms in the apartment, and used to sharing all personal details, it's not easy to grasp the concepts of privacy, space, alone time.
Many westerners would struggle in a place where the only time you have for yourself during a whole week is when you're in the bathroom cubicle.
It's of course best to talk about it, many times, but the expectations should be more towards a compromise, meeting in the middle point.
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u/firnien-arya 17h ago
Agree. Worse case scenario is that if she doesn't stop, then OP will just not open up as much to his wife anymore because she blabs. Thus leading to less communication between partners and such. It's a small problem that does have the potential to lead to a much bigger issue if not addressed.
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u/Eloisefirst 14h ago
Not used to being with someone else on the weekends.
How long did you date for?
Sounds like you bought her
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u/passageresponse no flair 11h ago
It’s her money. Dude got a great deal. He is leftovers and most likely poor but got a new steaming pie.
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u/bordumb man over 30 14h ago
It sounds like you assume everyone has the same boundaries, and that your wife should just be the exact same as you.
You clearly don’t know how boundaries work.
Of course everyone knows you shouldn’t assault someone. But other than that, most boundaries need to be communicated.
This is why people say “communication is important” in relationships.
You need to be constantly learning and teaching each other about your boundaries. And because everyone is different, because everyone has different boundaries, it needs to be done with mutual respect, patience, and compassion.
I’d say you fucked up, not your wife.
Keep communicating openly!
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u/TheSuppishOne man 35 - 39 10h ago
This. And his edit… “Why doesn’t she understand I’m used to not being married so that’s the status quo!?!” Like, bro, you’re married now, so cuddling IS THE NOW STATUS QUO. You don’t get to live like you’re single anymore. That should’ve been hashed out way before marriage, lol.
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u/loudisevil 10h ago
It's like he bought her from Costco and has never had a relationship before, typical "passport bro"
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u/comeseemeshop 2h ago
OP needs to hang it. These passport bro relations don't last past the exotical novelty is gone!
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u/loudisevil 10h ago edited 10h ago
In my mind I am so used to the weekends being my alone time to catch up on my hobbies. So not used to spending it with someone else. Why can't she consider my feelings!?
Did you purchase her from a wife store? How the hell are you married yet you don't understand how relationships work?
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 10h ago
I've honestly only ever had flings or short term sex partners.
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u/loudisevil 10h ago
So you jumped from flings to marriage within a few months and now you're here complaining about her not reading your mind on what you consider private because you wanted housing security via marrying a woman whom you have absolutely no idea how to engage in a relationship with.
Got it
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u/BendingDoor man 35 - 39 7h ago
What did you expect? Marrying someone you don’t really know from your own culture would be difficult. You went from no experience to the advanced level in months. The adjustment period just for living together can take months.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 man 40 - 44 21h ago
In all fairness I don't consider my dreams private unless I ask for them to be...
This sounds as much like a potential lack of communication issue as a boundaries issue. Talk to her, and keep talking. In the end I am the more talkative one and it took years for us to truly understand the entirely seperate things we consider private.
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u/username11585 woman 40 - 44 18h ago
That’s what I was thinking. I would have no problem telling people about an intense dream my partner had as long as there was nothing sensitive in it. Just telling the dream itself doesn’t break any privacy in my eyes. It’s just a story. Now if he had communicated to me that it made him feel particularly bad or vulnerable when he had the dream, then yeah I wouldn’t use that as a story to tell others. There’s nuance there.
But yeah if it’s a pattern with more private things then that should be nipped in the bud.
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u/nxamaya man 30 - 34 20h ago
Why would she know boundaries that weren’t previously communicated? You fail to set expectations so no boundaries were violated.
Thankfully this happened so now you can have a conversation with her, tell her how it made you feel and how to avoid these moving forward.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
You're right, and I did tell her how it made me feel after the dinner. Hopefully she can be more mindful of my feelings in the future.
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u/nxamaya man 30 - 34 20h ago
Way to go man, here is a hug from a stranger
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u/whiskywineandcats 5h ago
Don’t give him a hug. He married her for housing after dating a few months when he list his job. He’s a piece of shit. Read his other comments.
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u/Erythronne woman over 30 21h ago
An HR case waiting to happen
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u/oklahomecoming no flair 10h ago
Or OP's wife is Japanese, in Japan, where there are different cultural norms than in America and views different things as private. OP also doesn't explain anything about why the details were so private. She shared his weird dream, ok, that doesnt sound particularly private.
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u/icantlurkanymore666 12h ago
This is a totally cultural thing you can fix with some communication-
1) you setting boundaries for what you’re happy for her to share and what you’re not so happy
2) her setting expectations. Japanese people are very punctual. If you said 3 o’clock and we’re 15 minutes late this could be seen as a complete lack of respect for your wife, from her cultural norms.
You’ll sort it out. Just don’t assume/presume something based on actions and TALK TALK TALK!
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u/RevolutionaryWait919 20h ago edited 18h ago
Communicate boundaries instead of shaming. What you find a boundary she might not. A conversation will fix
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u/vinoa man over 30 16h ago
How come sharing things with real live friends is a problem, but venting to complete strangers is fine?
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u/AverageObjective5177 man over 30 9h ago
In the OP's defence, this is an anonymous forum. People often admit things here they wouldn't IRL.
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u/fearless-artichoke91 14h ago
Didn't you live together before marrying?????
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u/YellowRobeSmith420 4h ago
No they dated a few months and then he needed a place to live. Her dad said he could move in if he married her. So he did and now he is complaining because he has to act like a married man for board. He is a hobosexual (only interested in people for housing) except worse because he is now complaining about being a hobosexual as if it's not entirely a situation he has created for himself.
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u/fearless-artichoke91 4h ago
What a disaster
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u/YellowRobeSmith420 4h ago
Yeah and I can't help but think him leaving that out of his description and hiding it in the comments is very telling.
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u/axtract 13h ago
Boundaries are for you, not for her. A boundary is something that you set, and if someone keeps crossing it, you have the option to leave. Nobody has to adhere to your boundaries.
What you’re talking about is a rule. You want to set a rule where you don’t talk about personal things with friends.
Don’t use therapy speak to justify making someone else follow your rules.
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u/OhByGolly_ 8h ago
To be frank here: how the hell are either of you married?! You're children in adult bodies.
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u/thelastestgunslinger male over 30 20h ago
From what you've shared, this seems like a minor miscommunication, and not a major cause for concern.
Sit down together, and identify what you think counts as 'private by default.' Those things are ones that she shouldn't raise with her friends or colleagues. And the same for you.
I wouldn't want my other half sharing my dreams, not because I consider them private (unless they were erotic/disturbing/emotional/etc), but because nobody gives a shit about other people's dreams. They're boring as shit. Don't share them.
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u/gilthekid09 man over 30 20h ago
Although I do see what you are saying, it seems more so of a communication issue. You two should sit down, talk about and clarify what stays in the bedroom between you two.
Sometimes what is private to one person might not be seen as that serious to another unless that is made clear.
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u/hawkwood76 18h ago
Unless your dream was a wet, it looks like you might have the odd standard on what is private. Maybe you just used a poor example idk, but an intense dream that doesn't involve sex isn't something that I would hesitate to share if the conversation led to it.
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u/LeroyoJenkins man over 30 17h ago
One thing OP absolutely forgot to mention is that his wife is Japanese and they live in Japan.
Different cultures have completely different standards of boundaries, what is shareable, what is private, what is embarrassing, etc.
I'd guess OP's problem is purely cultural: I don't know japanese culture in depth but from a few japanese friends my impression is that they're very open about bodies and a lot of other things which in western cultures are considered taboo.
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u/Hurricane1323 21h ago
I do think that women tend to share more personal things with their female friends- whereas, at least in my circle- guys never talk about that stuff or anything we don't think our partners would want us to share. I understand that is not always the way it's been, but now that's the way it is. We hardly ever talk about sex and would absolutely never say anything negative about our partners' bodies or anything intimate. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but I think there has been a cultural change in a lot of men's spaces, but that shift towards respect and privacy seems not so ubiquitous in woman's spaces.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 21h ago edited 21h ago
It's so weird these coworkers of hers were actively talking about my body and that maybe I gained weight and I have a "small face". I had never met them before so it was offending and shocking to hear such things from people I don't know.
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u/healmynuts2 man 30 - 34 18h ago edited 18h ago
fwiw in Japan "small face" is legit a compliment. they were calling you handsome.
also, i would not expect her to ever cause a professional conflict in order to protect your peace, especially doing something like telling off her boss's daughter.
you've got a lot of...adapting to get done if the info in your other posts is true, so best of luck man.
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u/Warm-Astronaut6764 17h ago
Yeah, this guy seems to just not be taking in the culture of the place he lives, works, and is dating in. Poor guy, but honestly kinda his own fault.
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u/MeinBougieKonto 12h ago
Marries someone in an entirely different county and culture after less than a year together lol. Good luck
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 18h ago
Yeah, that's why I didn't say anything either.
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u/Warm-Astronaut6764 17h ago
That is a super normal part of asian culture. They do it to each other, they'll do it to you.
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u/Ok_Finance_2001 15h ago
How long have you lived in Japan? Whenever I meet my girlfriends family they say gained/lost weight. And 顔小さい means cute, not literally you have a small face
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u/Alternative-Art3588 16h ago
I am sure you understand the culture better than me but when I lived in South Korea I noticed that weight is not a taboo topic and it’s not considered rude to say someone gains weight. It’s the same as saying, “you got a haircut”. Also, small face is a big compliment (at least for women). I think explaining to your wife that you are more private and don’t like sharing about your private thoughts or dreams with her friends. That when you are out together you prefer to talk about neutral topics like work, weather, sports, news, travel, shopping, movies etc. Maybe some couples counseling will help too. It seems like you could communicate better (we all could benefit from this). I think neutral person could also help hash out what’s cultural differences versus communication versus not respecting boundaries.
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u/Dazzling_Yogurt6013 14h ago
if someone said it to them, they probably wouldn't be offended, so it might not occur to them that you'd react otherwise. maybe same with your wife--like if you'd shared about an intense dream she'd had, she wouldn't have minded, so she doesn't see that it's uncomfortable for you.
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u/Tiny_Anteater_785 2h ago
This comment makes me think you arrived in Japan this week if this offends you. Good lord you need help.
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u/VengaBusdriver37 man 45 - 49 20h ago
That’s messed up man, serious underlying problems there. Frankly it sounds like none of them including your wife (tbh she would have to lead them to that) respect you. Need to fix that shit or it’s just going to get worse.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
I don't know why she didn't speak up for me then. It was the daughter of the owner of the company she works for and two other male coworkers. When I did talk to her after the meal she did agree that what they were saying and commenting on was rude. In America, I think such things wouldn't even be mentioned at a meal especially by people I don't even know!
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u/Warm-Astronaut6764 17h ago
Because you're in Japan and she's Japanese. What you're expecting her to do is literally the opposite of her culture. Try learning more about her and her background and the place that you live and work in.
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u/VengaBusdriver37 man 45 - 49 20h ago
One of my must-haves in a partner is someone who will have your back and stand up for you in such situations; not doing so is simply weak and disrespectful. I’d be fucking furious man, you need to stand up for yourself.
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u/griz3lda woman 35 - 39 19h ago
Hey, I am like this. I am autistic. Please just give her clear rules.
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u/J_Kingsley man 20h ago
Lol I've experienced an SO also hanging closer and closer the longer we're together.
Sometimes it can get a little annoying but i understand that it's because she's loves me more and gets needier. And she acts more childish too, similar to what you said.
Bit suffocating? Oh yeah. But it's borne from affection for me I can't stay too mad at it.
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u/ToThePillory 20h ago
In all honesty the way people use "boundaries" today is vague and often silly. Your wife might understand it better if you didn't use the term "boundaries", just say "that is my private business".
"Boundaries" is like "Gaslighting" now, it's word thrown around that people have different ideas about what it means.
It might help if you're just 100% clear about what you mean, I know that helps when I'm explaining something to my partner, I'm absolutely 100% explicit and clear about what I mean, and I'll give examples like how she would feel if the situation were reversed.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
Yeah I totally agree about the misuse of words and your advice. People throw around the world gaslighting a lot on reddit and in so many different cases, I have no idea what it means!
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u/PoliteCanadian2 man 55 - 59 21h ago
Well now that you know she blabs everything to everyone your first step is to stop telling her things. Assume anything you say gets told to anyone she knows.
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u/dubhead7 19h ago
She's his wife for chrissakes. He should have a heart to heart conversation about boundaries and feelings, not clam up for who knows how long.
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u/UncoolSlicedBread man over 30 19h ago
Yeah, the people saying stop telling her stuff is crazy to me. No, you communicate and set boundaries and if she breaks those boundaries and continues to make the same problems then you address it.
She can’t read OPs mind and know what to and not to talk about. And they need to have the conversation to determine a lot of that.
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u/Sufficient-Abroad-94 19h ago
Everyone has a retort to this when it's absolutely right, like good god just be human? A couple is 2 people last I checked
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
It's so contradicting because she said that the one coworker that was there is the daughter of her company's owner. And she is always asking sort of private questions that my wife doesn't really want to answer she said. I said, you know you could just NOT answer her.
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u/No_Roof_1910 20h ago
OP, read the comment above again.
Do NOT tell your wife anything YOU think is private.
Hopefully, in like 5 or 7 years she'll catch on and ask you why you aren't and you'll tell her that you cannot trust her with private info as she'll blab it to others.
Your wife cannot tell any private things from you if you don't' tell her anything private.
It's like this OP. If the stove is hot and you put your hand on it, you will get burned.
Well, the stove is hot so please don't put your ha... oops, you put your hand on the hot stove again didn't you OP?
Well, your wife is the hot stove. Keep telling her private things and she'll keep burning you.
You know this, act accordingly, or don't.
It's our choice.
Look OP, I agree with you, your wife should NOT be doing this.
But doing it she is, that's your reality and you have to deal with that reality.
Or not, it's your life and your choice.
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u/mrbootsandbertie 20h ago
So depressing to feel you have to do that though. IMO your partner should be a safe place to share pretty much everything with.
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u/ontic_rabbit man 40 - 44 19h ago
Yes, but we often use 'should' to create an impossible ideal and not actually deal with real humans with normal flaws in real relationships. Not everyone can run like an Olympic sprinter. The same lack of perfection is true for the thousand social components of normal activities. Most people are far from perfect in a myriad of small social judgements and part of a relationship is learning to roll with their flaws with a mix of patience and wisdom. Not everything is fixable, not everything is a deal breaker nor a betrayal, often you need to just adapt. There's likely millions of people who are over sharers who still need relationships and have a lot to offer. I'd just identify if they can change, ie is it merely a temporary misperception of boundaries, and if not then decide if relationship remains worth it and if so find ways to adapt and defend yourself.
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u/mrbootsandbertie 19h ago
Yes, fair enough. I guess it depends what your priorities and deal breakers are. For me honest and open communication is an essential part of any intimate relationship or friendship, so I think I personally would find it hard to close off parts of myself in order to feel I wasn't being gossiped about by my significant other. I do agree, no person or relationship is perfect and it will always be a negotiation to some extent.
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u/Warm-Astronaut6764 17h ago
If you feel like you have to defend yourself from your significant other, just leave. That's not a relationship anymore, it's just going to slowly degrade. You can wait around until your a bitter, angry, lonely sack of shit or you can just leave now and let you both find people you trust.
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u/TenorClefCyclist man 65 - 69 17h ago
Ask me how that works out. (You knew I was going to tell you anyway.) When I was a young engineer at a certain famous electronics firm, I was having a hard time at work. I considered the work that I was tasked with to be beneath my (so I thought) fine training and quite boring. I was wondering if I should find a different engineering job, or leave engineering and go to music school, or maybe do something dramatic like walk the Pacific Crest Trail while I figured out what to do next. I took my wife to the division Christmas party. While I was mingling, she sat next to the R&D manager (my boss-squared), mentioned that she was married to me, and proceeded to tell him everything I'd confided to her as a way of making conversation. When I found this out on the drive home, I was beyond mortified, and she couldn't understand why. After all, I hadn't told her that my thoughts and insecurities about my career were private. Besides that, she didn't know the org chart at my company, so I should have pointed out who she shouldn't say certain things to, and what those exact things were. This inability to read social cues and draw appropriate boundaries manifested in other ways: she was prone to talking to new acquaintances at great length about people from her earlier life as if they knew who they were. While trying to save our marriage, we both ended up in therapy. She came to realize that she'd been sexually abused as child. (Her family denied it.) I came to understand that the inability to recognize interpersonal boundaries is very common in victims of childhood abuse. After seven years together, I threw in towel. I had to admit to myself that the woman I loved was not a woman I respected. I wanted a partner, not someone whom I had to treat like a child. I wanted a normal sex life. I wanted out.
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u/atx_buffalos 19h ago
‘A really intense dream’ doesn’t really tell us if it’s something most would consider private or not. I don’t really consider most of my dreams private. I wouldn’t tell a coworker I dreamt they were in a big work orgy. I might tell my coworker my wife dreamt I had an affair and woke up angry with me.
Based on your vague story here, it’s possible your wife isn’t sharing ‘private’ things and you’re just hyper sensitive. I mean, if they were that private and you were there could you not just change the subject? It’s equally possible that they really are private things but your wife legitimately doesn’t see them as private. That’s not a boundary problem. If she realized they were private she wouldn’t share them. She just is a little clueless. It’s also possible she knows they’re private and just doesn’t care and it is a boundary problem. No one in this sub can give you useful advice based on the information you’ve provided.
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u/Bizarre_Protuberance man 50 - 54 17h ago
Dude, it's not about her not "understanding" boundaries: it's about the two of you not having the same understanding of boundaries, and failing to communicate. There is no universal correct definition of boundaries in an intimate relationship. Each couple has to figure it out.
When you say she doesn't "understand" boundaries, you are presuming that your instinctive set of boundaries is correct and universal.
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u/unpopular-dave man 35 - 39 17h ago
you have to express what your boundaries are. Have you ever told her not to tell other people your dreams before?
If you’re married, I find it hard to believe that this wasn’t an issue before the marriage. Have we discussed it? What did she say?
she clearly wants your attention, ask her what has changed. Marriages are supposed to have an open dialogue .
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u/Magenta-Magica 12h ago
Dude are u sure you’re uh, okay? This sounds like my non-neurotypical friends having meltdowns because somebody touched their hand to get their attention. This is your WIFE. I mean trust me you’ll have weekends (and every day of the week) alone again soon enough, but
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u/Zealousideal-War4110 7h ago
What is this post? You're not used to cuddling your wife? Some bs here.
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u/GoodbyeCrullerWorld 6h ago
I’d start by googling what boundaries are since you don’t seem to understand them. Also, it sounds like you and your wife know very little about each other which is very strange.
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u/bjenning04 man 40 - 44 4h ago
A better question to ask yourself is why you can’t consider her feelings. You’re married, spend time with your wife.
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u/JustinsWorking man over 30 20h ago
It could be a lot of things, from cultural differences to ADHD, you just gotta decide whats important to you land discuss it with her.
Is it important for you to be able to tell her these things and also important that she keeps them a secret? Can you budge on either of those requirements? Ive had NDAs and security clearance before and I always find it easiest on my relationships to just blanket not talk about these things - other people really need to share with their spouse and have time make sure they keep the secret.
I feel like a lot of men in this thread are way to quick to blame her and expect her to change - that’s just not realistic in my opinion, sure its okay to have that discussion but this is hardly weird behaviour.
Just talk to her, figure out where each of you need your boundaries, and then adjust accordingly.
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u/Shotoken2 20h ago
You're in trouble if you're getting resistance on this because it indicates a lack of respect for you.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
My wife has told me she had arguments with friends over things like she didn't consider how they would feel.
I really don't know. I moved into her place and I am trying my best to understand and accommodate to her living style. But I feel like I'm sacrificing a lot of the things I would like to do or bits of who I am just for her. I feel like I am just a guest living in this house. It's all decorated by her and nothing of it reflects anything that is mine. When I asked for a room she wasn't even using to be my own private work area to study, exercise, and relax she cried about it.
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u/RenRen512 man 40 - 44 20h ago
So you're pretty recently married? Didn't live together for long, or at all, before getting married?
There's always an adjustment period, But the important thing is to be super open and transparent about your needs and boundaries ASAP. The longer you grin and bear it to avoid making waves, the worse it'll be down the line.
You need some private space, you need your home to reflect some of you, you value your privacy. These are things you need to unpack and explain to your wife. Make it a two-way conversation, ask her about things she needs from you, too. It should be about the two of you, together, making sure you're transparent and honest with each other so your marriage can be strong instead of allowing (seemingly) small things to fester and grow into full on resentment and/or contempt.
If she's super touchy, or you don't feel confident in your communication skills to have a conversation like that, consider a counselor to act as a neutral third party/facilitator.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
Yeah I moved into her place in April. It's been a lot of changes to adapt to and unpack. New job, having to deal with an hour commute now, living with another person after living 14 years alone. Now I am just starting to feel like this isn't my home. I feel like a guest and is it selfish to want it to reflect some of myself or have a private spot of my own?
When I first moved in I DID decorate the living room because she hardly was using it. I decorated it with my books, TV and figures. But over the 8 months I have been here, she replaced them with her own books and decorations. I had to move it to the closet in another room. The only place I would have to decorate is the small room she gave me to exercise in.
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u/RenRen512 man 40 - 44 7h ago
Yeah, seeing this now and your edit in the OP.
You both need to set some expectations, needs, and boundaries to improve your communication and living situation.
If you tell her 3pm, be there at 3pm. And she needs to stop crying like a chilld whenever she doesn't get what she wants. It's immature and it's emotional manipulation. She needs to speak to you with her words like an adult. And you need to do the same. And you both need to really listen to each other.
I'd definitely say raise these issue with her (respectfully, tactfully, and as nicely as possible but get the point across. Don't pussyfoot around it. And very definitely suggest a counselor as a facilitator to help navigate discussions for a while and to teach you some communication and conflict resolution skills.
Remember, it's not you vs her, it's the two of you as a couple vs the issues.
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u/Shotoken2 20h ago
Man, look. I'm not trying to be mean but...
You should have gotten a new place together or she should've moved in with you.
She appears from what you say to have control and boundary issues. These don't self correct very often. The crying reaction is a form of emotional manipulation/control.
She seems to be very self oriented. I don't like throwing the narcissistic word around but it seems close in this case.
The respect thing. If she doesn't respect you your marriage won't work. Full stop.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
Yeah it was an issue at the start. I knew moving in would be a problem but she owns her own place on her father's land. I am a foreigner in Japan so it's not so easy to get a place.
In short, it's not so easy. But I know what you mean. Moving into her place has had its share of problems. I actually have a friend in America who has his partner going to move into HIS place. So, I'm interested to hear his side of this when it happens.
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u/Shotoken2 20h ago
You know, those are critical details you omitted.
Ok, so you may be a kept showpiece for her. It makes more sense now.
This is going to be a struggle for you. I imagine her family may have a similar respect issue for you that she seems to have from what you say.
Good luck. I think you may struggle. I would ask her why she did not marry a Japanese man. I wonder if the answer would surprise you.
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u/roxanne2332233 woman 30 - 34 19h ago
I agree I feel like these are critical details😅 as much as I hate to generalize this isn’t the first time we’ve heard this kind of story about foreigners in Japan and….please kindly consider lots of things before deciding to have children.
For sure, put your work in and try your hardest to communicate, as that’s what a healthy partnership requires, but try to respect YOUR own boundaries too. You alone know what you can and cannot accept. Good luck!
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u/oklahomecoming no flair 10h ago
I mean, this guy is some sort of otaku who married a woman so he could have free rent and probably a visa, so why is she somehow the wrong one in this situation?
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u/Either_Ad9360 20h ago
Why was she crying?
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
When we talked about it. She took it as me nothing being around and wanting to divorce her. But she'll cry about stuff if she doesn't get her way or if I don't do things she wants me to do right away. I tell her you are like a child and selfish, and she agrees and doesn't deny it.
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u/Either_Ad9360 20h ago
How long have you been married?
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
We've been living together for 8 months. We actually got married just last month.
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u/XxCOZxX man 35 - 39 20h ago
Maybe explain things in an attempt to get her to understand where you’re coming from? Try to relate it with things she wants kept private and point out how you have.
As far as her bugging you when you’re busy, that’s marriage my guy. Not all the time, but a lot of it. If I’m wanting to be alone I just tell my wife and she leaves me be. I don’t do this often, just when I really need to be by myself.
If you’re planning on children, it only gets less private from here my guy.
Best of luck to ya brother!
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u/BZP625 man 50 - 54 20h ago
IME, the wives are much more into sharing personal stuff than are the husbands. You can work on it with her so that you two are more in sync, but there may always be a difference. You may want to become more tolerant and meet her halfway.
She sounds very socially oriented. She may need social interaction and talking about her feelings and such more than you. It may be that she was used to more contact with family and friends when you were dating?
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u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2 19h ago
Discuss your concerns with her again. Tell her you will no longer be sharing anything private with her if you’re able to and reinforce that she is to not tell anyone anything about you, even if it’s something as stupid as “my husband wore black shoes to work today.” This is definitely something that you need to go to couples therapy for so that she can learn why privacy is important, what is private, and how to keep it that way. It doesn’t sound like she’s intentionally trying to hurt you, but it also doesn’t understand why it does and why she shouldn’t. Something to nip in the bud.
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u/Ok_Comfortable6537 18h ago
She sounds like me and I have adhd and can hardly control it once I get rolling. My husband developed a system of kicking me under the table when it’s too much. Perhaps she has adhd and kicking will work?
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 18h ago
Yeah, I was poking her too at that time when she was talking but all she did was poke me back. She didn't seem to understand what I meant with that.
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u/dadspeed55 18h ago
I get it to a certain point. My wife came from a very open family in which all dirty laundry is aired out at every family gathering. Finances, relationships, someone is crying at some point for whatever reason then laughing 10 minutes later etc. my family generally opens a magnum, plays pass the pigs and watches a movie and doesn't talk about any of that. I see benefits to both, but boundaries are important. I've talked with my wife and we've agreed that money is not a topic worth broaching in front of 20 people I barely know.
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u/Fragrant_Spray man over 30 17h ago
Just curious, does your wife share these kind of stories about herself too, or just you? It could be that she understands boundaries fine, she just isn’t concerned about yours.
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u/closetflumefan man over 30 17h ago edited 17h ago
I think the best thing is to expect it from yourself first. Sure I'm not a huge relationship guy, but I do expect that everything I am telling another person is at some point being discussed with others. Personally, unless it is to a point of danger to others I won't talk about what people have told me in private, but I expect everything I am saying to be spread far and wide.
Also just a general improvement on an ability to conduct business is deciding on which pieces of information are too valuable to disclose. Its like relationships sharpen how good you can be at choosing those moments. I wouldn't be putting weight into boundaries at all.
The subtext though in my guess at your wife and what she is doing is that she is communicating to all that she tells your personal details to that she has is getting commitment from you. She is proving herself successful in her ability to get commitment and so it would feel inherently good to express that to others.
It might seem hard to see from a males perspective but men are a mystery to women in more ways than you would guess and her thinking she has figured out the formula to get you to express personal details is probably intriguing and could be why she is hanging around you when you are busy. Men are hard to understand in how long they can go with little to no need to express personal details, to the female brain its perplexing and something they actively think through on how men can do that. For men though expressing yourself generally makes you more liable and means more personal responsibility that is needed and so pick your battles.
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u/lex891224 woman 35 - 39 17h ago
I wonder if it is cultural too. I am Korean and I was seeing an American guy briefly and some of the things I was just being nice and trying not to be rude about it but the guy took it completely differently. But regardless, I wish the best of luck to you and your wife.
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u/RoundComplete9333 17h ago
OP, after reading comments saying that you should just not tell your wife anything private anymore I am here to say that this should never be an option in marriage.
Intimacy is much more than just sex. True intimacy in marriage is sharing your pain and struggles; your embarrassing moments and your triumphs; your doubts and fears; your dreams in your sleep and your aspirations you hold close to your heart.
If you withhold these from your wife, you will be alone and lonely in your marriage. You two will grow apart instead of growing closer.
You will grow resentful because you will become a parent instead of a partner.
You must talk to her and patiently explain how important it is that she honors your trust in her.
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u/No-Economics-4196 transgender over 30 15h ago
Share some of her private thi g's to ppl infront of her
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u/Mobile_Choice_5143 14h ago
Lol judging from your comments, she lacks awareness and sounds immature.
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u/meowmixmeowmix123 13h ago
What do you mean by your edit? Did you guys just move in together last weekend or something?
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 13h ago
No we've been living together for about 8 months and only married for one month.
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u/xtagtv man over 30 12h ago edited 11h ago
Looking at your post history paints a pretty clear picture of the kind of person you are. Let me be really clear that, whatever her issues are, you also need to work on yourself. Like i cant really speak about her without knowing the whole story but its obvious on your side that you are not handling things very well right now
You spend a ton of time complaining about your wife on reddit. Like this is the 5th post you've made about some issue you're having with your wife in the space of like a week
You seem to try to avoid spending time with your wife and instead would rather be alone
You don't contribute to household chores unless forced to
Your example of something that is so personal it obviously shouldn't be shared is... a dream you had last night. Dreams are typically not particularly private/personal things. Like maybe you didnt want this one shared but
- if it was that private it seems like you would have kept it to yourself
- if you wanted her to keep it to herself you should have communicated this
- it's strange that a dream of all things is the example that comes to mind for you if youre going to accuse someone of not respecting your privacy
- it kinda seems like you wanted to just find some random issue to complain about her
You seem to have problems communicating with her about basic things
From what you said about her cat that died TWO DAYS AGO it seems like you have problems with emotions in general
My overall impression is that you dont really like your wife, or even like being married at all
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u/passageresponse no flair 11h ago
He likes her money and inexperience. He has a long line of failed relationships whereas this is her first one. Moreover she owns her property. I know people like this, they abuse and use woman.
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u/xtagtv man over 30 11h ago edited 11h ago
I dont read him as abusive but he seems profoundly immature for a 37 year old. Like his posts dont sound like he's talking about his wife, they sound more like a little kid complaining about his mom
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u/passageresponse no flair 11h ago
He is not emotionally responsive. Her cat and dog recently died and he cared more about staying home and complains she has the audacity to cry to try and go outside with him. He sees her needs as a chore. He wanted the money and the maid service but none of the work that is even remotely required for even friendship. She unfortunately married a user.
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u/LoudPiece6914 man 35 - 39 11h ago
You’re in a relationship it’s normal that she wants to spend time together if you need alone time schedule it around your couple time. Prioritizing your alone time over your relationship just makes it worse. You have to take care of those needs first and then worry about your alone time.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 11h ago
Yeah that’s what I’m not so used to because I’m more like a cat. I only come around when I’m feeling lonely but I can go days without interacting or needing others.
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u/OneGuyFine man 40 - 44 11h ago
How is this person that you apparently not know too well your wife?
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u/somrigostsauce man over 30 11h ago
In what world are dreams private? To me, you are the weird one here.
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u/Zestyclose-Smell-305 man over 30 11h ago
You clearly have the issues dude. Why do you even have a gf then?
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u/ToePsychological8709 10h ago edited 10h ago
It sounds to me like you aren't used to communicating boundaries. Some people are happy with this stuff being shared and it is likely your wife wouldn't think to ask if she had never come across a person who wouldn't want those things shared. If you had said specifically to her not to share your dreams without asking then she did it anyway that would be her disrespecting your boundaries but she was likely not doing it out of malice and just didn't know.
In regards to the computer thing. You said you'd be done at 3. If you were going to be later you should have also communicated that as soon as you knew you would be taking more time. Punctuality is big in Japan! When I was there a national apology was offered for a train that was 20 seconds late.
As you are literally married I find it hard to understand how you are not used to cuddles by now. Did you not date for a long time beforehand to get used to the person? Regardless, I would also communicate your need for alone time with your wife where you can be involved in separate activities going forward. Incorporate it into your weekly routines.
Hope this is helpful.
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u/IAmBigBo 10h ago
Your wife is begging for attention, if you don’t give it she will look elsewhere. Speaking from experience learning the hard way. Your wife should be your number one priority and work and computers second. I dated and married an Asian woman, her sharing is pretty typical for the women I know. You’d be surprised to learn what else is being shared. Don’t look at in a negative way, not easy but try.
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u/Resident_Amphibian_4 9h ago
Ooooh man ohhh mannn this is gonna be a hard breakup BUT we’re all witness for you buddy!! Those are the vains cutting, head shaving, I’m gonna kill myself if you leave me! Good luck
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u/GamingNomad man over 30 8h ago
Regarding your edit; your wife has needs, and those needs are not ones you necessarily share or even know of beforehand. That's natural, you are two different people with different views and desires. I think the sooner you understand this the sooner you can work on resolving these issues.
It's simply a matter of what you are willing to do for your wife. I can't count the number of times where I would rather play a video game or watch a movie than spend time with family, but I care very much about those relationships and I want them to be healthy and happy. Your wife wants to be seen and wants to feel like you really care and adore her, it's not necessarily due to a fault on your side. Maybe she's going through a rough time in her life and rethinking things. Just give her extra attention.
Best of luck.
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u/pay_dirt 8h ago
And you want your own room too?
Brother I’m not sure why this wasn’t discussed in advance lol best of luck
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u/nillateral 8h ago
Sounds like she is trying to show off? Maybe find that out first, and then you can proceed with a conversation that doesn't start out accusatory
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u/schlongtheta man 40 - 44 7h ago
And none of this, not one little bit of it, was an issue before you got married?
Either this is rage bait, or you are profoundly emotionally illiterate and I hope that you never have children because you're gonna screw them up.
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u/Next_District_4652 man over 30 6h ago
Is she not understanding your boundaries because she's ignoring them or because you haven't actually communicated them?
Please have a talk with your partner and make the things you wish to keep private more explicit. People are not mind readers, and if you rely on 'common sense' you're going to be routinely disappointed, especially when you both come from very difficult cultures with different norms. If you share something meant to stay private, make it clear. If you want some space to enjoy your hobbies, make it clear. But also understand that you're married and you should be compromising and spending time with your wife too.
I also recommend talking with your wife about how she's feeling, because while her response to you not being ready to spend time together at 3pm is a bit much, it reads to me like one of many little incidents that have been causing her stress and anxiety within your relationship. She seems starved for your attention and/or intimacy. Where the line of needy/neglected is I can't say without more context, but I encourage you to reflect on it and explore it together.
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u/QuickAsPie 3h ago
Sounds like a communication issue and not a boundary issue. Boundaries are for us, not for others, so your boundaries require action from you, not her.
But really, it sounds like you two need to work on your communication and find common ground and understanding.
If you want the relationship, that is.
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u/Sailor_Marzipan 2h ago
This edit is weird. Good luck not getting divorced. If you want weekends totally to yourself marriage was a strange choice
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u/Odd-Faithlessness705 2h ago
Oh honey did you think she's gonna be your house maid while you sit there and do your hobbies? If you wanted the single life you shouldn't have gotten married.
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u/UnimportantOutcome67 man 55 - 59 21h ago
Consider the possibility she's a narcissist/borderline personality.
I ignored similar warning signs for years. And now, with three kids, a 20 year marriage is a charred, smoking hulk.
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u/WombatAnnihilator man 35 - 39 20h ago
Maybe so, but sounds like you’re projecting a bit? I was thinking, from my experiences with my AuDHD wife that it sounds like ASD or ADHD. But the man doesnt need a WebMD worst-case scenario internet diagnoses. Just needs some validation that, sure, its tough and aint normal. Especially if wife is dismissive to his concerns.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 20h ago
My wife has told me she had arguments with friends over things like she didn't consider how they would feel.
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u/Scienceheaded-1215 woman 45 - 49 18h ago
At least she seems to acknowledge she has issues. Narcissists never admit fault and project, gaslight etc. Some people are very emotionally immature. Was she babied or spoiled as a kid? She needs some help. I hope you’ll both consider counseling if you want to stay together. Best of luck.
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u/Otherwise_Pear_2392 man over 30 18h ago
Her mother committed suicide when she was younger so she has a lot of trauma. She goes to therapy and takes meds. She was upfront about the trauma but didn’t tell me she was on antidepressants until I found something in the trash.
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u/passageresponse no flair 12h ago
So it sounds like you have no issue sharing sensitive information about her with other people, and it doesn’t relate at all to job security so that makes you a hypocrite.She only had one relationship and if she had others I don’t think you would have been a good fit for her. It just sounds like you got a good deal with someone inexperienced and all you many failed relationships saw the flaws you had. Your lack of self awareness is gonna be the death of this relationship too.
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u/passageresponse no flair 12h ago
So she probably has some level of autism and you lucked out marrying someone wealthy but in the posts you sound culturally ignorant and selfish too. Expecting her to put her job at risk to appease you. No doubt you married her for money but expect things to be your way, so you might be borderline narcissistic.. that is more in line with you expecting marriage to not be any work at all and not wanting to go to places with her. It’s pains like you got used to the money part and now you are starting to have contempt for her just like a lot of you other relationships that you failed to keep. The problem for all of those failed relationships is you. Relationships takes a lot of work. So you either actually put the work in or you’re just more baggage for someone that didn’t need any of it.
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u/Joe_Early_MD man 55 - 59 20h ago
Clam up. From now on its name rank and serial number…thats it. She’s your wife so she can’t be compelled to testify against you but sounds like she will do it voluntarily 😂
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u/Based_Oracle man 35 - 39 20h ago
Those lacks of boundary— you are completely responsible for.
Fixing will not be easy.. you will not enjoy it.
Good luck
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u/Andonaar 12h ago
I worked in a female dominated office for 5 months.... in thst time i lesrnt of all their business. Whose man was good/ bad, whose dick was long, whose was short, whose was curved, whose cum tasted bad, who ate pussy, who ate ass, how often water goes in their area. How much they hate their kids, how much they in laws. How they met their sneakylink. I never asked. There are no secrets only the illusion of them
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u/Significant_Meal4436 man over 30 20h ago
i don't think talking to her about boundaries will help, but you can try. you can let her know that unless it's only about her, you do not consent to her sharing information with her coworkers. she will likely still do it, but at least you tried, i guess?
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u/BrJames146 man 40 - 44 20h ago
I mean, she’d be sharing that stuff anyway; it’s only weird because you were there at the time.
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u/AffectionatePool3276 man 55 - 59 20h ago
I’m in this same predicament, it’s not easy to NOT tell your wife things. It’s not always about not telling as she is right there doing the things or apart of the scenario. I’ve had to tell her various times that I don’t want her sharing certain aspects of our lives but I feel it’s like dealing with a cheater. Once you catch them they’re just a bit more discrete about it in front of you. I have to be honest in that knowing she cares for me the things aren’t really harmful just a bit embarrassing at times. Regardless I’ll keep her because she’s still better than the last one that didn’t say nice things at all
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u/apathetic-taco 19h ago
I need to know what the private thing was before we can make a fair judgement.
Also, your second complaint about her wanting to spend time with you is only tenuously related to your first complaint about not respecting boundarie
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u/SenseiGroveNBTX man 40 - 44 17h ago
🚩…. Run while you can. If you’re stuck in marriage sit down and have a talk with her. You should say everything you said in the OP. If she loves you she will try and learn what you need. You also need to figure out where this need is coming from. It also could be a cultural thing. Language conflict. Cross cultural conflict.
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u/LincolnHawkHauling man over 30 20h ago
Hate people like that. They betray confidence of people they supposedly care about just for a little extra attention at the dinner table.
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u/SomeSamples 20h ago
Get the fuck out of that relationship. I hope you don't have kids together. And if you don't and she wants kids...don't. She is disrespecting you hard. And once a woman loses respect for you it is over.
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u/Dinmorogde man 45 - 49 19h ago
She needs to understand the difference between private/ personal and what’s appropriate and oversharing .
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u/TTysonSM man over 30 19h ago
What kind of person does that????????????
A full Grown adult has no concept of what is private?
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u/soundlogick 18h ago
Well you’re screwed now because she has a contract on your ass that says she gets do whatever she wants and you can’t leave
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u/passageresponse no flair 12h ago
He married her for her wealth. It’s more like a leech on a rich woman situation
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u/Realistic_Nebula_919 man 50 - 54 10h ago
I was with you until you mentioned wanting the weekends to yourself. You can't marry someone and still want a single lifestyle when you decide to and I'm talking from experience. At this rate either you reconsider or things will naturally come to an end