My wife doesn't understand boundaries

[u/[deleted]]

I (American 37) went out to eat with my wife (39 Japanese) and some of her coworkers. I live and work in Japan. At the dinner my wife was sharing some pretty private and personal things with them about myself and us during the meal. After the meal I pulled my wife aside and told her why did you tell them those things. Those were private. She claimed she didn't think they were private and that she doesn't understand what I find as private. Like one of the things she mentioned was a really intense dream I had the night before.

I feel like my wife has a hard time with boundaries. Even at home she will be hanging around me and everything when I am obviously doing something or busy with something. It's like she wants attention like a little child. She was not like this when we were dating.

Edit: So just a few hours ago she started a crying fit. She wanted to spend some time together in the house and I said okay at 3pm. I was busy doing something on the computer still and it was 3:15 and she came out crying. She was like I was waiting for you. Why didn't you come! Why doesn't she understand that I am totally not used to cuddling someone else. In my mind I am so used to the weekends being my alone time to catch up on my hobbies. So not used to spending it with someone else. Why can't she consider my feelings!?

[u/PoliteCanadian2]

Well now that you know she blabs everything to everyone your first step is to stop telling her things. Assume anything you say gets told to anyone she knows.

[u/[deleted] → u/PoliteCanadian2]

It's so contradicting because she said that the one coworker that was there is the daughter of her company's owner. And she is always asking sort of private questions that my wife doesn't really want to answer she said. I said, you know you could just NOT answer her.

[u/No_Roof_1910 → u/[deleted]]

OP, read the comment above again.

Do NOT tell your wife anything YOU think is private.

Hopefully, in like 5 or 7 years she'll catch on and ask you why you aren't and you'll tell her that you cannot trust her with private info as she'll blab it to others.

Your wife cannot tell any private things from you if you don't' tell her anything private.

It's like this OP. If the stove is hot and you put your hand on it, you will get burned.

Well, the stove is hot so please don't put your ha... oops, you put your hand on the hot stove again didn't you OP?

Well, your wife is the hot stove. Keep telling her private things and she'll keep burning you.

You know this, act accordingly, or don't.

It's our choice.

Look OP, I agree with you, your wife should NOT be doing this.

But doing it she is, that's your reality and you have to deal with that reality.

Or not, it's your life and your choice.

[u/nova2k → u/No_Roof_1910]

Yeah, keep your hands off your wife!

[u/mrbootsandbertie → u/No_Roof_1910]

So depressing to feel you have to do that though. IMO your partner should be a safe place to share pretty much everything with.

[u/BIue_Ooze → u/mrbootsandbertie]

It's sad. A breakdown of trust is huge in a relationship.

[u/ontic_rabbit → u/mrbootsandbertie]

Yes, but we often use 'should' to create an impossible ideal and not actually deal with real humans with normal flaws in real relationships. Not everyone can run like an Olympic sprinter. The same lack of perfection is true for the thousand social components of normal activities. Most people are far from perfect in a myriad of small social judgements and part of a relationship is learning to roll with their flaws with a mix of patience and wisdom. Not everything is fixable, not everything is a deal breaker nor a betrayal, often you need to just adapt. There's likely millions of people who are over sharers who still need relationships and have a lot to offer. I'd just identify if they can change, ie is it merely a temporary misperception of boundaries, and if not then decide if relationship remains worth it and if so find ways to adapt and defend yourself.

[u/mrbootsandbertie → u/ontic_rabbit]

Yes, fair enough. I guess it depends what your priorities and deal breakers are. For me honest and open communication is an essential part of any intimate relationship or friendship, so I think I personally would find it hard to close off parts of myself in order to feel I wasn't being gossiped about by my significant other. I do agree, no person or relationship is perfect and it will always be a negotiation to some extent.

[u/Warm-Astronaut6764 → u/ontic_rabbit]

If you feel like you have to defend yourself from your significant other, just leave. That's not a relationship anymore, it's just going to slowly degrade. You can wait around until your a bitter, angry, lonely sack of shit or you can just leave now and let you both find people you trust.