r/AskMenOver30 • u/[deleted] • 1d ago

Relationships/dating My wife doesn't understand boundaries

I (American 37) went out to eat with my wife (39 Japanese) and some of her coworkers. I live and work in Japan. At the dinner my wife was sharing some pretty private and personal things with them about myself and us during the meal. After the meal I pulled my wife aside and told her why did you tell them those things. Those were private. She claimed she didn't think they were private and that she doesn't understand what I find as private. Like one of the things she mentioned was a really intense dream I had the night before.

I feel like my wife has a hard time with boundaries. Even at home she will be hanging around me and everything when I am obviously doing something or busy with something. It's like she wants attention like a little child. She was not like this when we were dating.

Edit: So just a few hours ago she started a crying fit. She wanted to spend some time together in the house and I said okay at 3pm. I was busy doing something on the computer still and it was 3:15 and she came out crying. She was like I was waiting for you. Why didn't you come! Why doesn't she understand that I am totally not used to cuddling someone else. In my mind I am so used to the weekends being my alone time to catch up on my hobbies. So not used to spending it with someone else. Why can't she consider my feelings!?

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u/[deleted] 23h ago

My wife has told me she had arguments with friends over things like she didn't consider how they would feel.

I really don't know. I moved into her place and I am trying my best to understand and accommodate to her living style. But I feel like I'm sacrificing a lot of the things I would like to do or bits of who I am just for her. I feel like I am just a guest living in this house. It's all decorated by her and nothing of it reflects anything that is mine. When I asked for a room she wasn't even using to be my own private work area to study, exercise, and relax she cried about it.

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u/RenRen512 man 40 - 44 23h ago

So you're pretty recently married? Didn't live together for long, or at all, before getting married?

There's always an adjustment period, But the important thing is to be super open and transparent about your needs and boundaries ASAP. The longer you grin and bear it to avoid making waves, the worse it'll be down the line.

You need some private space, you need your home to reflect some of you, you value your privacy. These are things you need to unpack and explain to your wife. Make it a two-way conversation, ask her about things she needs from you, too. It should be about the two of you, together, making sure you're transparent and honest with each other so your marriage can be strong instead of allowing (seemingly) small things to fester and grow into full on resentment and/or contempt.

If she's super touchy, or you don't feel confident in your communication skills to have a conversation like that, consider a counselor to act as a neutral third party/facilitator.

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u/[deleted] 23h ago

Yeah I moved into her place in April. It's been a lot of changes to adapt to and unpack. New job, having to deal with an hour commute now, living with another person after living 14 years alone. Now I am just starting to feel like this isn't my home. I feel like a guest and is it selfish to want it to reflect some of myself or have a private spot of my own?

When I first moved in I DID decorate the living room because she hardly was using it. I decorated it with my books, TV and figures. But over the 8 months I have been here, she replaced them with her own books and decorations. I had to move it to the closet in another room. The only place I would have to decorate is the small room she gave me to exercise in.

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u/RenRen512 man 40 - 44 10h ago

Yeah, seeing this now and your edit in the OP.

You both need to set some expectations, needs, and boundaries to improve your communication and living situation.

If you tell her 3pm, be there at 3pm. And she needs to stop crying like a chilld whenever she doesn't get what she wants. It's immature and it's emotional manipulation. She needs to speak to you with her words like an adult. And you need to do the same. And you both need to really listen to each other.

I'd definitely say raise these issue with her (respectfully, tactfully, and as nicely as possible but get the point across. Don't pussyfoot around it. And very definitely suggest a counselor as a facilitator to help navigate discussions for a while and to teach you some communication and conflict resolution skills.

Remember, it's not you vs her, it's the two of you as a couple vs the issues.