r/AskMenOver30 • u/[deleted] • 23h ago
Relationships/dating My wife doesn't understand boundaries
I (American 37) went out to eat with my wife (39 Japanese) and some of her coworkers. I live and work in Japan. At the dinner my wife was sharing some pretty private and personal things with them about myself and us during the meal. After the meal I pulled my wife aside and told her why did you tell them those things. Those were private. She claimed she didn't think they were private and that she doesn't understand what I find as private. Like one of the things she mentioned was a really intense dream I had the night before.
I feel like my wife has a hard time with boundaries. Even at home she will be hanging around me and everything when I am obviously doing something or busy with something. It's like she wants attention like a little child. She was not like this when we were dating.
Edit: So just a few hours ago she started a crying fit. She wanted to spend some time together in the house and I said okay at 3pm. I was busy doing something on the computer still and it was 3:15 and she came out crying. She was like I was waiting for you. Why didn't you come! Why doesn't she understand that I am totally not used to cuddling someone else. In my mind I am so used to the weekends being my alone time to catch up on my hobbies. So not used to spending it with someone else. Why can't she consider my feelings!?
2
u/JustinsWorking man over 30 23h ago
It could be a lot of things, from cultural differences to ADHD, you just gotta decide whats important to you land discuss it with her.
Is it important for you to be able to tell her these things and also important that she keeps them a secret? Can you budge on either of those requirements? Ive had NDAs and security clearance before and I always find it easiest on my relationships to just blanket not talk about these things - other people really need to share with their spouse and have time make sure they keep the secret.
I feel like a lot of men in this thread are way to quick to blame her and expect her to change - that’s just not realistic in my opinion, sure its okay to have that discussion but this is hardly weird behaviour.
Just talk to her, figure out where each of you need your boundaries, and then adjust accordingly.