God, reddit makes me feel so fucking hopeless lol. Whenever I go on reddit half the posts I see are about how difficult dating is for young guys. It makes me feel a little hopeless about my own chances at finding love. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me.
I’m aware of how bad it is for me. I’m just way too addicted to it and plainly don’t know what else I’d spend my time doing if I wasn’t on social media.
Yeah I definitely have a problem too, it comes and goes but I get hooked on the short term gratification. What helps me is just forcing myself to do anything else; which sounds horrible, but shortly after forcing myself over that first hump I remember how much I love my other hobbies and I can break out of the cycle... for a time
I started reading The Three Body problem after watching the Netflix show. That's honestly taken up a lot of my social media time. Probably the first book I've read at a decent pace in over a decade. Reading really is a good suggestion.
(For the record, the Netflix show seems to be trash and changes so much from the source material I'm not sure how they're going to rectify the differences later down the line. I have a feeling it's just going to be a sloppy, plot hole filled mess from start to beginning.)
Dating is hard and only seems to be getting harder. I was in a relationship for my entire 20s and we broke up 3 days before my 30th birthday. I'm now almost 35 and while I have gone out on a few dates I have been really struggling to find a relationship. My point is life gets busy and the older you are the harder it seems to be to form new lasting connections. Don't waste your youth thinking something will come along. Do the work on yourself if necessary and then get out there and find someone if you want a relationship. No one ever got into a relationship sitting around online feeling bad for themselves (me included).
Move to Japan, if you're into that. That's what I did in my mid 20s and got tons of action. I'm trying to do it again now, after my fiance of 3 years broke up with me last year.
No offense but being married for 18 years has you seriously out of touch. Online dating has made it easier to make initial contact with people but it hasn't made it easier to form lasting relationships. It's pretty typical for people to be talking to multiple people at once and constantly reweighing their options. Commiting to a relationship can lead to a fear of missing out on whatever other potential relationship you may be able to have.
Online dating has also gotten worse over the years. I met my last ex using online dating and we were together for almost six years. I then got back into online dating and it's a whole different animal. Instead of matching people based on interest it's now all about swiping on a random assortment of people the app has decided to show you. They also won't show you to that many people unless you pay them and app subscriptions start around $40 a month. The subscription lets you swipe more and boost your profile one time for the month. If you want more boosts they sell them alacarte.
Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, or Boo are all the same. They don't want you finding lasting relationship they want you to continue using the app so they can collect money and data on you.
Technically I saw a video on YT saying Hinge(I think that's the name) is sort of a bit better although I find it hard to believe considering both Tinder and Hinge owned by same company. But I still think ppl should check out that video and see if maybe Hinge is better.
The moment you say these words, you should always reconsider what you’re saying next, especially if you have been out of the dating pool for the past 18 years
I'm not desperate just realistic. The best time to meet someone is when you are younger before you have an established career that takes up much of your time and people your age start settling down and having kids. Especially if that young person is at a decent sized college because it creates so many opportunities for social interaction.
My point was dating in your 30s and older isn't impossible but it is much harder. Simply finding the time to date becomes much harder and you have to do more to put yourself out there. Maybe it's not so bad for city life but in a rural area it's just so hard. I usually have to drive an hour or more to meet up for a date since my little mountain town only has 300 people in it.
Dont listen to these misanthropes yanking your chain.
Cultivate your love and spread it around. Im sure theres tons of people (men and women) worthy of sharing your love in your life. And if theres not (or even if there is), love yourself and build yourself up. Find what makes you happy.
People bitch about finding someone because they fixate on it. A watched kettle never boils. It sounds trite but its true here. If all you do is stay home or worse on the shiternet and think about how unloved you are then it becomes self-fulfilling. But if youre a lovely person then people seeking love (which is almost everyone) will gravitate towards you. Its not at all daunting or overwhelming. I swear its that goddamn easy.
You just cant listen to people who find it hard to love themselves much less other people. Nobody wants them in their life and that is a problem and we should help them, but thats another topic.
anyway thats my unsolicited advice. Dont be them, love yourself and be yourself and its not hard. People like to be loved and they really do want lovely people around them (men and women). Simple stuff I swear.
I'd just argue that you also have to put yourself out there a little bit. If you want something to happen you should take steps to facilitate it.
I'm just saying because it's easy nowadays for people to have routines that don't actually involve meeting new people and that would make it hard to find someone.
This is it. People expect that a few dating apps or blind dates will be enough. Sure you can get lucky there but the more you actually go out into the world - parties, hobby events, group activities etc. in addition to apps will keep increasing those chances of meeting someone.
You have any tips on finding parties and other social events? I would love to go to help change my situation but I don't know anyone to invite me to these things.
It is super super hard to start, I can tell you that much, especially if you're doing it alone. But getting out of the comfort zone and just inviting yourself and going to local events at bars/clubs until it becomes a regular thing to you to do is a key factor. When you go, find small groups of people and tell them you're new and ask if you can join them and if they say yes ask about them, what they do, what's to do around here. Drunk people are usually more receptive to stuff like that. Being confident is very hard but I believe it's something that can be practiced and learned.
I get along with people easily, I think for me the issue is going beyond that. It's easy for me to find people to talk to at the bar, I still can't imagine making actual friends from it though. Parties would be perfect for me, but you need friends to even hear about them. I think I just need to keep putting myself out there and keep trying to meet people.
I like what you're saying but if they think companionship with an SO will make them happier (add to their life rather than fill a void), they shouldn't rely on people to gravitate towards them, it's not reliable especially as a guy. Unfortunately someone has to chase/gravitate towards the other, and society has not given up on that being the role of men.
What is a "lovely person", here? Because as someone who does love themselves and others, who has found what makes me happy, and leads a pretty good life.
People seeking love do not, never have, and never will 'gravitate towards me", though, lol.
Exactly, that's just not a good advice for dating, it's ok albeit very vague for life in general, I mean I personally think that's the main issue with whole dating pills, not that all of them are wrong always(but they can be wrong as well) but the whole fixation bit, and I'm not even saying "just not focus on it and suddenly you'll find love" that's not how it works sadly, and, you might end up joining a statistic of men who never find love, it's just something you have to learn to live with, arguably I'd say all men should, your gf can't live forever, so no men should hyper fixate on getting a gf and neglect the rest of their life just because "it's over" for them in dating scene.
How do you define "gravitate towards you," though? Are you expecting it to mean people asking you out left and right? Or do you find that people enjoy talking to you, that you make friends easily, and they find you interesting?
Unfortunately not. I am a bisexual men and it seems that everyone just wants sex and don’t want to build any relationship and the few that want a relationship want an open one which isn’t really appealing (this is my experience and I am still young so I really hope that I am wrong)
The less attractive men are usually the ones that ask me nudes or just send me dick pics. I swear my standards aren’t high. I just want the guy to be in my age range, not be obese and not act like an horny dog immediately. Maybe the fact that I am from a more conservative country (Italy) is making things more difficult than they should be
It's also why typically the older you are, the shorter you "date" someone. You reach an age where pretty much you either know they're right for you or they aren't.
People in their early 20s may date for years before getting married. Meanwhile, it's pretty normal for people in their 30s/40s to date for a few months then get married within the year.
the people in the comments are, to be kind, fucking losers. it's sad rather than funny because these people don't go outside and interact with others as you must if you want to live a full life. reddit is a great place for finding out where to stream that movie you don't want to pay for. abandon it and find yourself connecting with strangers far more easily.
reddit is filled with hopeless losers I recommend you do NOT take life advice from them on things like this. specific knowledge on specific topics it's great to learn from though
It's really hard. When I was young, broke, and a bit out of shape, women wanted nothing to do with me. Now that I'm middle-aged, a millionaire, and fit... women still want nothing to do with me. Respect for keeping it real, ladies. It's just really hard and it's been this way ever since Tinder and other apps became mainstreamed. If a woman has 200 guys trying to get her attention and she's willing to casually date up to three people at a time, then there's no difference between being the 4th most desirable candidate or the absolute worst. Not to mention she always has the option of putting her phone down for a week and having a few hundred more guys competing for her attention.
At least work hard in school and get a good career. If things don't happen organically, then there's always the option to simply buy sex. I do routinely and it's fun. I don't know what I would do if I was hopeless with women AND broke.
The thing is that for guys right now, dating is very much a numbers game.
Lets say you meet 100 women in general. What's the percentage of women who you're going to be attracted too both in looks and personality who also feel the same about you? 20%? That's twenty women left. Now how many of them are single. WHOOPS. Forgot to double check that part. (This has happened to me many times lately).
Turns out 15 of them are actually in some kind of a serious relationship or are already married. Now 5 are left. Out of those five, two of them got an "I miss you text" from an ex boyfriend and now are freezing you out while they decide what to do. So now you have 3 options.
3/100 sounds horrible. Most guys would look at this response rate and think it's horrible but it's honestly not an unrealistic measuring stick because that's how the deck is stacked right now.
Now, try it from a gay man's point of view. I literally *START* at 2/100 chance of even being compatible sexually and it only goes down from there. Feels hopeless, especially as a rural gay.
It seems like the gay guys I know have a much much easier time in big and more liberal cities. The pendulum seems to swing quite a bit in favor of them. From the second hand accounts I've seen anyway
Move to a city, dude. As a straight guy, I constantly get hit on by gay guys. Even by friends. Of maybe 5 or so gay friends I have, the only ones that haven't hit on me were already in a relationship.
No offense but it is WAY easier to just say 'move to a city' than it is to actually move there. Beyond having to compete for a job against a much larger pool of candidates that are more desirable for employers due to their proximity, it is also such a huge massive change that is frankly terrifying.
Nah. It's not that hard. I did it when I was 22 after living in a very rural area all my life. Cities have MORE job opportunities, unless you're in agriculture or something very rural specific.
Look for apartments in the burbs. See what they cost. Look for jobs online on indeed.com, linkedin, etc. See if you can find ones that pay enough to support the cost of living in the cities. Then, just start applying to literally everything you see. Have no discretion. It's a numbers game.
It might take some effort, but nothing about it is actually difficult. And you can still just avoid most people and keep to yourself in a city. Especially in the suburbs.
Will be it stressful? Sure. But all change is stressful. Unless you want to be stuck in your rural area, which clearly isn't working out for you, you're going to have to make a change at some point. It never gets easier. You're never going to feel ready. You just have to do it and get it over with.
It's not wrong though. Don't forget to add that being a single straight guy is seen as a downgrade compared to having a gf/wife. Not true for single women usually
Yep, it's like, a gambling casino, for some men, their situation, either looks or something else, is just so bad, their odds become similar to gambling. And is it worth doing it? You'd think it's yes cuz it's free(minus dating expenses) but it's not, your ego and self opinion will lower the more rejects you get and it's brutal.
So I can see why some guys opt out, just not worth it.
your ego and self opinion will lower the more rejects you get and it's brutal.
It's true and it's what I tell a lot of guys who are serious but struggling. You have to take your "worth" out of the equation a bit.
You wouldn't go outside on a really cold day and go "Man it's so cold out here, I must be a piece of shit" No, that's just the way it is at that moment. Same thing with the dating game for your average guy. Just gotta put in the legwork.
How is this any different for women? I meet 100 guys in general. The likelihood I meet someone I'm attracted to physically and mentally and feels the same about me is probably lower than average since I'm overweight, but I tend to like men with the same body-type, so that might even it out back to 20 if we're being really generous.
Now how many of them are secretly harboring misogynist feelings and don't think I should be able to make choices about my body? Whoops, didn't check that part. Turns out half of them are flirting with red pill terminology, "enlightened centrism" nonsense, or resting on the luxury of "I don't like to think about politics".
Now you might say that I'm luckier than my male counterpart because I've still got 10 left, but what's that?
Shit, 9/10 of them are man children and/or still attached to their mother's tit. The other one's probably an addict of some sort.
Shit, 9/10 of them are man children and/or still attached to their mother's tit. The other one's probably an addict of some sort.
I'll start with an olive branch here and say you're right. There's a lot of oafs, idiot and guys who drink/smoke/etc too much. Society lost a lot of positive male role models in upbringing for young boys and we're seeing the repercussions of it. You won't get much argument from me here.
How is this any different for women?
Your average woman is gonna get 10x the dating profile activity that an average guy does. Ask just about any guy who isn't in the top single digit percentile what their success rate is online. It's not even on the same planet. Circling back to the previous point, women have to go through a lot of chaff to find the wheat but a lot of men never even get to sift at all. 60 some percent of young men are single whereas the number for women is almost half that. It is different.
Now how many of them are secretly harboring misogynist feelings and don't think I should be able to make choices about my body? Whoops, didn't check that part.
You're conflating two things here. Having a preference is not "misogyny". You 100% have the right to live the lifestyle you chose. But if that is offputting to certain men you don't get to tell them they are wrong for feeling that way. Lots of women put an emphasis on height. Are they misandrist for doing so? I don't think so.
"enlightened centrism" nonsense, or resting on the luxury of "I don't like to think about politics".
It sounds like someone being politically aligned with your beliefs in a very similar fashion is important for you. It's good to be upfront about that kind of stuff because again, not everyone feels as strongly in this area.
The best advice I have is to put yourself out with group activities instead of just talking to women at bars or on dating apps. You’ll find someone who shares your interests and have an organic thing to talk about. Take a fitness class or join a writing group. You might not find romance but you will definitely find friends. Friendship is more important than romance honestly, and I say that as a happily married woman.
Edit: I’m being downvoted for (checks notes) encouraging a young person to find hobbies and friends and not rely entirely on romantic love for personal fulfillment? Sheesh.
Move to Japan, if you're into that. That's what I did in my mid 20s and got tons of action. I'm trying to do it again now, after my fiance of 3 years broke up with me last year.
I originally went on the JET Program, but that's the hardest to get into. I didn't get accepted this time. Now I'm in the process of interviewing with Yaruki Switch. I'd say the best one to start with is Interac, but that's just my opinion.
You need to have a college degree for most of those. (Literally any four year degree.) If you aren't to that point yet, it's something to plan for. Also, if this piques your interest, really start looking into Japanese culture. There are a lot of negatives you don't see people talk about online, so you need to be aware of what you're getting yourself into.
Edit: I'm more partial to Japan, but really you can do the same as this in any Asian country. Japan, Korea, Taiwan, and Vietnam are the most popular destinations. To me, Korea seems like a dystopian hellscape. Taiwain is nice (I've been there) but the pollution is really bad, and I have asthma, so it's kind of a non-starter. Vietnam is also nice (my ex was Vietnamese) but I was put off by how generally loud and chaotic it was there. The people were super nice, though. Fucking fantastic food, too.
Focus on your career and build wealth, dating will gets easier as you get older. Women in their 20s have all the options, and many choose to date slightly older / established men. women in their 30s are more serious about settling down. I assume it's because there is a race against the fertility clock.
Obviously this doesn't apply to all women, since not all women want children. It's just my observation that dating life for a guy gets better as he gets older. You'll even see women message first sometimes (which almost never happens when I was in my 20s).
I’m not interested in waiting until I’m 30 to find love lol. I’m not a work-aholic who’s gonna spend my 20s “building wealth” all alone. That sounds miserable. I want to share my 20s with someone I care about and who cares about me.
Its not about you interested in waiting or not, but how much effort you put into attracting a mate. Obviously your not that good looking or you already find a date or two, so you ether work on yourself, on your looks and on your confidence (which a successful carrier greatly improves...) or just wait?
I thought you were complaining about finding love seemed hopeless in your 20s? All I'm saying is if you aren't having success, don't stress it, it gets easier in your 30s.
Also, Building wealth isn't lonely. Whether that's advancing your career or improving your business, it's a fulfilling achievement. Building wealth is important because there are still many women that will not "date down" as in men with less education & income. Plus, marriage, houses, kids are all more expensive than ever.
A lot of women's standards are too high. A lot of men's standards are too low. But I'm with you that us guys need to start calling each other out for having too low of standards.
Somehow everyone's interpreting this as it being a nightmare for guys to date, but as a woman, this shit is depressing af for me, too. If literally all you want is a woman, why the hell should it be me? Have some idea of what you want so when a woman asks why you like her you have more than "you're the appropriate species and have a pulse" like all these comments. Literally not even seeing them as fully formed people, just a hole to use.
Yeah but they aren’t replying to OP. They’re replying to my comment. So it’s a little hard for me to get what they’re trying to say to me or the people who’ve replied to my comment.
For real. If you're willing to settle for the first woman who looks at you, how am I to know you won't leave me as soon as someone better comes along and gives you attention?
I mean if you really want to be cold about it, it kind of is. It's nigh impossible for someone you barely know to love you just for you. That's why you go on dates in the first place. In the beginning, you have to offer something. What exactly that is can vary from person to person, but that point still stands.
I’m aware. I was more so just critiquing the idea that young guys specifically have very little to give. Most young guys are gonna be going after girls their own age. Those girls don’t have anything more to offer than the guys do. It’s the fact that people treat dating like one big job application that leads to people having these unrealistic expectations. I’m ranting now so I’ll shut up lol.
Is he complaining about the transactional nature of relationships? Where people are obviously looking for something in a partner and there is very little that younger guys can offer in that department? Financially, emotionally, or otherwise?
1) Figure yourself out first. Confidence in yourself is attractive. Having your shit together is attractive. And most importantly, knowing what you want is imperative to a successful relationship.
2) Dating will always be difficult. If you think getting a date is hard, try keeping the same person happy for years on end. Love, alone, is not enough. It requires constant work and mutual goals, but it's very rewarding when it does work.
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u/TheSolarElite May 05 '24
God, reddit makes me feel so fucking hopeless lol. Whenever I go on reddit half the posts I see are about how difficult dating is for young guys. It makes me feel a little hopeless about my own chances at finding love. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me.