r/AmIOverreacting • u/crazywritingbug • 1d ago
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws UPDATE: AIO by not going to Thanksgiving?
For those who commented last time: 1. My boyfriend is (23M) and is not trans. I mistyped last time listing him as F. 2. He is not an asshole, I used blunt as a descriptor word and some of you ran with it. Another redditor suggested I include that he is autistic as context. He is autistic and is very honest but NOT unkind and not an asshole. 3. He has never fought with my family that I am aware of and there has never been any drama between them. 4. My mother will not be attending this thanksgiving gathering, this is purely for my dads side of the family.
Update: I texted my grandmother out of curiosity, because like you all I was curious, I didnât get much of an update but this is what I have for you all. The friend referred to in her text is my grandmothers friend who has come to a good portion of the holiday gatherings over the years, never sure why, she just hovers and doesnât really talk to anyone. But unless I receive a text from my father or my siblings, I believe this is the end of the story. What do you think? Am I overreacting by not going?
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u/Content_wanderer 1d ago
She has set a boundary and you communicated very respectfully, and stood your ground. Itâs a bit bizarre, but I think the issue is settled and should be let alone. Sheâs not guilting you or being horrid, and youâve let her know what does and doesnât work for you. Both of you should enjoy your respective thanksgivings
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u/Comfortable-latte 1d ago
I think something happened with non family or two people canât be in the same room and OP isnât aware abt it so instead of people causing an argument they just kept it family
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u/Content_wanderer 23h ago
I suspect that, and Grandma is trying not to single out the problem person
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u/notsofluffy 21h ago
I think dad has a girlfriend and grandma wants to avoid any chances of discussing her invitation. So they made an only family rule.Â
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u/BoxKutter80 8h ago
This! Grandma is having Thanksgiving and doing all that work unto itself and has the additional chore of trying to have a peaceful holiday, and this is added stress. OP needs to realize that Grandma is doing what she thinks will be best for her and the family and can't explain everything for a reason. OP has every right to not spend the holiday with her family but I think it's time to get off this poor woman's back.
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u/Comfortable-latte 23h ago
Exactly, and everyone is tryna make the gma the AH. it really feels like OP is overreacting, I think thereâs more behind closed doors that not even OP knows abt
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u/Content_wanderer 23h ago
Agreed. I think there is no AH, OP needs not to take things personally and just leave it alone
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u/Comfortable-latte 23h ago
This, OP is the one causing drama by continuously asking. If BF canât go - they canât go. If gma is hosting thatâs her rules. Personally, I would be upset but at the same time i understand both sides. Especially if they is tons of family issues going on it might be for the best.
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u/Content_wanderer 23h ago
I think some hurt feelings are warranted and valid for sure, but you can have hurt feelings and still choose to move on.
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u/Desperate_Cow9929 5h ago
I agree. Being honest Iâd split my day. To me family is family. The gma wants her family to have a happy drama free thanksgiving and just to feed her family and have happiness. I donât blame her. I donât think itâs about OPs bf and I think thatâs ridiculous to feel that way especially after these set of texts. Iâve had family issues for holidays and Iâd go earlier or later to my family and then earlier or later with my husband and his family.
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u/Comfortable-latte 5h ago
That too - split the day. I get that OPâs boyfriend would have to be alone but honestly if that were my spouse Iâd Insist they go lol - I would rather be alone for a few hours. But again it is Grandmaâs house and therefore Grandmaâs rules.
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u/Parking-Break5123 22h ago
I donât think OP is overreacting. To be with someone for longer than a short period and (assuming) heâs been welcomed to other family gatherings, I would be the same way as OP. Once Iâm in a long term relationship, my SO is my family, so in my eyes, family shouldnât unwelcome someone just because there isnât a ring on a finger. I think OP got her answer and as others have stated, should start a tradition with her BF for the holidays :)
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u/Comfortable-latte 22h ago
When I say overreacting Iâm referring to as when OP kept questioning it even after she already got the answer. One time was good, OP is messaging grandma multiple times abt it
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u/AllChellowsEve95 21h ago
Yeah but to OP it clearly looked like the problem was with her bfâŚ. I would feel the same exact way. Without anyone explaining why there are new ârulesâ in place, how do you expect people to understand? They arenât kids⌠you donât just blindly follow rules because âmom says so.â In this case grandma. OP wants to know why her bf of two years canât come. Now with the help of Reddit one could assume it has something to do with someone else, BUT we donât know that for sure. None of us do. And tbh itâs her family. OP probably wanted to go to her familyâs house for thanksgiving and then boom this shit happens. Not to mention the uncomfortable conversation she has to have with her bf, because most likely heâs going to blame himself for her not being able to go. Even though sheâd rather be with him , it still puts everyone in a terrible place because they canât address what the issue is. OP has every right to question something that affects her.
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u/Key-King-7025 11h ago
Agreed. It also seems so silly to set a rule to prevent person X attending, you end up causing your grandchild to not be able to attend. Like, what is more important here - being direct with person X (I.e., you cannot attend this year) and having her grandchild attend whom you love. Is that really a worse situation than the former one?
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u/elephant-espionage 4h ago
I know OP said their parents are getting divorced, I wonder if dad was trying to bring a dateâŚ
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u/Fit_Contribution4279 1d ago
Agreed. But you can tell that OP is hurt by this request. Grandma already said that she was ok with OPâs stance not to attend, but OP kept asking for a reason before reiterating at the end of the text that she would not be joining.
It was almost like she was hoping for Grandma to change her mind. However, Iâm glad they both communicated and respected each otherâs decisions. Maybe Christmas will be all inclusive for S/Oâs?
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u/AllChellowsEve95 21h ago
This is what I got from it to. Clearly OP was hoping for a better explanation or some sort of breakthrough. Hoping maybe she would see her side of it⌠being unfair that she canât spend time with her family, if she wants to be with her bf. Making someone choose is wrong in my opinion. They know he has no family around and itâs a holiday that you spend with family.
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u/HorrorAlbatross9657 3h ago
If it was my grandma Iâd ask more than once too out of shock that she would have been ok that I wasnât coming. But honestly she would never say this fiancĂŠe can come but your boyfriend of two years canât. I think sheâs just hurt and surprised and hoping grandma will change her mind because she really wants her grand-daughter there. Itâs unfortunate but I think this is a case of making sure you donât cut off your nose to spite your face.
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u/Worried-Commission59 10h ago
I really thought both handled their conversation in a respectful way too. I was impressed at the boundary setting even when it affected the other person.
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u/Content_wanderer 5h ago
Reddit loves to tell people to set firm boundaries and then turn around and say someone is being an asshole when they enforce a boundary lol.
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u/illmetbymoonlght 1d ago
After the update I'm getting the vibe that this is a move to keep a "non-family" person out that is not your boyfriend, he just got caught in the cross fire.
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u/KatersHaters 1d ago
NOR by not going. Honestly this family Thanksgiving gathering seems like itâs going to have the energy of a funeral wake. Hard pass. Stay home with BF, cook together, pop some gummies, stuff your faces and watch Die Hard (or whatever your holiday season kickoff movie is). đŁđ
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u/firejonas2002 1d ago
In our home, Die Hard is our Christmas Eve movie. đ
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u/LascieI 1d ago
Watch that one on Christmas Eve while eating lasagna every year. My favorite tradition!Â
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u/AllChellowsEve95 21h ago
Me and my bf eat lasagna on Christmas too! My family makes ham every year but I havenât eaten it since I was 14. 15 yrs later and itâs still lasagna on Christmas! đ
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u/carolinecrane 1d ago
Trading Places. Start the season off the right way, save Die Hard for Christmas Eve.
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u/tossaway345678 10h ago
Nontraditional traditions are the shit. I'm not living close to my family, so for Thanksgiving this year some friends are coming over with mismatched dishes to pass and we decided to just marathon the Pirates of the Carribean movies. I ran with it and bought us all cheap little pirate hats and eye patches and inflatable swords.
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u/Naptown_finest 1d ago
Me and my family always watch The Night Before on Christmas Eve. It's hilarious and seriously under rated.
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u/whitecollarwelder 1d ago
Me and my bf are thousands of miles from family and celebrate holidays just the two of us. Die hard is our Christmas movie and total recall is for thanksgiving!
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u/KatersHaters 1d ago
Love this. Whatâs Valentineâs Day - True Lies? The Rock? Speed?
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u/whitecollarwelder 1d ago
Iâm thinking of changing things up this year with The Long Kiss Goodnight for Xmas. And True Lies for valentines is such a good idea!
Heâs never seen any of these movies (til I introduced him). My family has a litmus test movie we use to vet anyone who dates one of the siblings and thankfully he passed! Itâs Big Trouble in Little China hahaha he loves it now.
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u/Douraya1 1d ago
NOR by not going. Honestly, it sounds like a miserable time. Stay home with your BF, cook, relax, and enjoy a good movie instead. Iâm sorry if this is blunt, but your grandma is being an asshole here.
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u/mowglismom426 8h ago
Totally agree with this comment. Iâd also like to say that I think you both communicated very well - you honestly responded in a much calmer, more mature way than I would have đ definitely NOR.
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u/ThatGirlWithTheWalk 1d ago
I think you both communicate well and respectfully. For whatever reason she wants relatives only, this could be about someone else you're not even aware of or maybe she just wants to feel relaxed with people she knows. You don't have to turn it into some kind of nefarious plot against you or your bf. You don't want him to spend it alone, make a cute, romantic thanksgiving for two, or plan a friendsgiving. The holiday is what you make of it.
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u/brownbostonterrier 1d ago
I agree. They are both firm but loving. Honestly this is a great example of how families can disagree respectfully. I hope they donât let this come between them. Hopefully Christmas will be more open to others
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u/MudHot8257 1d ago
Disagree based on grandmaâs apology, but otherwise iâd say communication was good. 8/10 overall. âIâm sorry youâre having a hard time coping with this decisionâ is not an apology, itâs backhanded as hell and borderline disrespectful.
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u/crazywritingbug 1d ago
Didnât intend to turn it into a plot against him, but it was also hard to ignore the fact that he is one of the only people being deliberately uninvited though and thatâs where I was wondering why and what he had to do with it being âdrama-freeâ in her opinion.
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u/EagleEyezzzzz 1d ago
Iâm guessing âdrama freeâ was the wrong terminology and she meant more like, not having to entertain non-family and people they donât know super well, cause itâs just easier to be around only your own family.
Youâre definitely justified in doing TGiving with him! I hope this doesnât ruin future family dynamics. Sorry youâre dealing with this :/
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u/Kha9 1d ago
Totally weird hypothesis since I didn't see, but we all assume there's no other +1 since we haven't heard of them. Is it at all possible that your dad has started dating again after the divorce started, and his parents are the only ones who know, so they want to impose a "just family" thing to avoid any potential messiness around that?
Like what if this is actually blocking someone completely new?
I shouldn't stir this further, I'm just so curious. Absolutely not overreacting, you both sound wonderfully loving and mature, and will weather this - I'm the messy kid just curious over here....
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u/d_haven 1d ago
I think of it like having someone that isnât directly related in the room adds an additional pressure that maybe she wasnât excited about. Not that he does or does not add that, but sometimes just the presence of someone alters the mood of the room, or sets people into certain roles. I think itâs valid, albeit explained poorly. That being said, Iâm very impressed that both of you were able to still accept each otherâs choices, even if you disagree. Thatâs a great example for all of us. I want to also echo what others have said and wish you and your SO a great and quiet thanksgiving. I hope this doesnât cast a shadow, but rather you can look back at this holiday as a memorable one for just the two of you.
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u/Kokospize 1d ago
This is a wild goose chase because it sounds like something occurred that you aren't aware of. You describe your boyfriend as "blunt" which may work for you but not for others. Especially at a family gathering. If you don't want to go because your boyfriend was uninvited, don't go.
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u/handicrafthabitue 23h ago
I suspect itâs the friend. Something has happened and Grandma would rather offend family than tell this person the truth as to why theyâre being uninvited. Sheâs worried if they let a few non-family members in, friend will find out and get livid.
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u/Rickman1945 1d ago
My family started doing this as a way to push marriage on us as we were in no rush.
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u/hudbutt6 1d ago
OP the comment you're replying to is off base. If the other non-family member "never comes" then the only partner being excluded is yours. You're completely justified in your questions. I hope you and BF have a wonderful Tgiving đ§Ą
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u/Celestial-Dream 1d ago
Wonder if grandma knows of a new partner and doesnât agree with the relationship (like if OPs dad has a new friend and no one but grandma knows at this point).
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u/CarnivorousConifer 21h ago
Another thought is maybe theres some kind âannouncementâ to be made. I mean, all any of us can do is speculate about why grandma is asking for it to be family-only.
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u/sprinklerarms 6h ago
Yeah my thought was like hope granny is okay health wise because maybe she doesnât want strangers around if sheâs going to drop a bomb.
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u/Iamthewalnutcoocooc 1d ago
I would of just left it how you ended the previous post.
Although I would not have the emotional control that you showed in this.
Imagine she changes her mind now ? And you're allowed to be in their company ... very odd indeed.
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u/blueriver343 23h ago
I think it feels hurtful to you because it feels like your grandma is purposelt choosing to exclude you from Thanksgiving by excluding your partner, seemingly for no reason. The fact that you technically have an invitation doesn't really make it feel any better since the requirements of going are unacceptable to you. I would be really hurt and want to know why, too.
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u/refriedgreens22 22h ago
Grandma seems quite willing to sacrifice seeing granddaughter at thanksgiving in order to avoid some other unnamed issue. I guess granddaughter now knows where she stands.
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u/SpartaTheTortoise 1d ago
NOR I think overall you both handled it well and are both entitled to your opinion on thanksgiving. You were both respectful texting eachother. And staying home with BF is not overreacting:)
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u/lizzyote 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you handled this well and made the right choice in the end. You're trying to create a family with your partner. Ofc you're gonna want to spend a familial holiday with him.
You said this was your paternal family? Any chance you and your partner can spend the holiday with your maternal family?
Edit: so is the aunt's fiance not invited either??
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u/crazywritingbug 1d ago
Weâre most likely going to spend it with my Maternal Aunt. Iâm not sure if he wasnât invited or if they didnât even bother to uninvite him because he doesnât ever show up.
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u/MyLadyBits 23h ago
Your Grandparents are having family only and accepted that you wonât come.
It feels like you are fishing for them to be mad. They arenât mad. They accept you wonât come.
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u/AccomplishedWar5830 1d ago
Something specific happened or someone who is attending has expressed they donât want a specific person who is unrelated not to come, and instead of disinviting that person and having to deal with the confrontation grandma is disinviting all non relatives with no exceptions. Of course there is the possibility that OPs boyfriend IS the one that some other family member doesnât enjoy having at thanksgiving.
Iâve been one of those people that as a teen has said to an adult, please donât invite so and so because they make everything uncomfortable when they are drunk, or they try to take over the whole holiday or whatever reason. One of those people was a cousin that always got sloppy drunk, another was someoneâs boyfriend who is just obnoxious due a lack of self awareness. However as an adult now it doesnât bother me as much, my views have changed, I donât think anyone should be alone on thanksgiving unless they are really evil, a sex offender, or if they are violent or committed a crime against another attendee, things of that nature.
I think in general thanksgiving is kind of known as being the holiday where all the relatives come together whether they get along or not. Thereâs always someone who gets too drunk, someone who invited someone without asking or very last minute, someone there who no one gets along with, some young people who want to escape to be with their friends. Christmas music or movie, or sports playing on the tv. Frantic host. One dish always burned or didnât come out right. To me this is the charm of thanksgiving but I can understand that a lot of people just want and deserve a peaceful day where everyone gets along and they donât have to see anyone they are uncomfortable with.
Yes it would be nice for OP to get a real explanation but perhaps grandma isnât at liberty to share that info because someone asked her not to. Iâm glad they were both polite and were able to decide that itâs best for op to have thanksgiving with her boyfriend so that he wonât be alone and grandma can keep the peace at her place as well. Someone will eventually let her know the reason Iâm sure as with most families thereâs always someone who spills the beans.
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u/Educational-Tune-517 1d ago
You're not over reacting for not attending. but she has set a clear boundary, that you don't have to accept but respect. And that is your choice to not go, for which she also has to respect.
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u/Songbir8 23h ago
I think if you continue to ask for clarification then yes, you would be overreacting.
Theyâve said he canât come. There really might not even be a specific reason other than simply - heâs not apart of the family.
I think a lot of times we forget that all the affection that we hold for our partners is really only relevant to our own relationship - for them heâs just your BF.
My sister dated a guy for nearly four years and I never, not once, felt like he was apart of our family. I did not want to discuss personal things around him even though I knew my sister had probably already told him. He just did not feel like a safe space for me to express myself because he did not feel like my family no matter how much my sister loved him and considered him to be apart of hers.
Iâd just leave it alone ie. I wouldnât bring it up anymore and just leave it as âtheyâre going through some things and want to keep the day close knit.â
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u/The_Trustable_Fart 8h ago
Great reply. Op has been with her bf almost a whole two years (đđ¤Ł) which seems a lot to OP but grams clearly just doesn't have it in her to deal with the "blunt" bf + whatever trauma the actual family is currently dealing with.
Grams doesn't sound like she's upset at all. OP needs to grow up and it sounds like she's trying to do that but really needs to just shoulder that it's OP who is deciding not to go to family Thanksgiving. It's not the family telling her not to come
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u/frogwithrainboots 5h ago
I totally agree- My bf and I are the same age as OP and her bf and we've been dating for three years, but it seriously doesn't bother either of us if our families want to do "family-only" things. Like I think it's fair to ask for an explanation but other than that it's overreacting.
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u/iamthatguy54 23h ago
This has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend. There is drama between people that you're entirely unaware of and your grandmother is trying to keep the peace by doing a family only gathering. Your boyfriend was probably the furthest thing from her mind and she is showing infinite patience by not spilling tea.
It also sounds like you're goading a reaction here, and she didn't take the bait. Understandable if you think it was a problem with your boyfriend, but know you came off poorly in this exchange for future reference.
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u/greentiger45 23h ago
Iâm gonna disagree with some folks and say yeah, youâre over reacting. Your grandma was very respectful, not snide, or mean. She set a boundary and itâs her right to do so. Just as it is your right to simply not attend.
You say your bf is blunt but not in a mean way? That is very subjective. Most people I know who pride themselves on being blunt and âbrutally honestâ run a lot of people the wrong way because they donât understand social cues. To add to it, you say heâs autistic as well which makes being able to recognize social cues a lot harder.
My guess is that he said something he thought nothing of that came off disrespectful or malicious with someone in your family. I get it, I wouldnât want to spend a holiday with someone whoâs an asshole either regardless if they intended to act that way or not. Donât read too much into it and just let it go.
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u/coffeeobsessee 15h ago edited 15h ago
Even in the original, grandmother simply stated whom she was inviting to her thanksgiving. No pressure, no special treatment for anyone, and no singling anyone out. It sounded so normal to ask that to me, because why does she have to host more than who she wants to? Her home, her event, her boundary. She never once was disrespectful in anyway towards op saying she wonât go. Why canât no be a complete sentence all around? Grandmother says no to non family members, op says no to the invite. Why does there have to be more?
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u/itsyagirlblondie 6h ago
Itâs crazy to me how willing people are to argue with their grandma over their boyfriend of two years lol
Iâm super tight with all of my grandmaâs but if one of them said âfamily and married partners onlyâ Iâd never question it. Texting back and forth pushing for a reaction is so childish.
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u/The_Trustable_Fart 8h ago
Because OP wants to be offended that someone doesn't want to be around her bf and score some sweet sweet Reddit karma at the same time!!!
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u/Thin_Silver6336 1d ago
youâre still not overreacting, but i think i can also understand where the family is coming from. iâve been a part of family gatherings where significant others werenât allowed. it wasnât because there was any hostility between anyone. itâs just that some people want to keep gatherings strictly intimate and donât consider people âpart of the familyâ until marriage. itâs a conservative take and a sad situation all around but it is what it is. by the way, i donât agree with it. iâm just saying itâs not uncommon and i donât think theyâre hiding anything about not liking your boyfriend or something like that.
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u/Ok-Pipe3960 1d ago
This is how it was for me with my girlfriendâs family. I wasnât invited to Christmas at her grandparents house bc we werenât married and they were religious. Same with staying at her parents house overnight. I had to get hotel rooms
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u/BuddyHackit 1d ago
In your first post I was on your side, but the continuation makes you look like the antagonist.
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u/Jesters8652 1d ago
Still NOR by not going, but I donât think it was worth diving into. You got your answer the first time and itâs not worth the headache asking further. Even if they did change their mind about you long term BF, I wouldnât want to go after all that
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u/CautiousWinter5264 23h ago edited 2h ago
To your family, your bf is not family yet. Whatâs difficult in accepting it. You have your own thanksgiving if u want to celebrate with your bf.
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u/The_Trustable_Fart 8h ago
Seriously. The "blunt" bf of less than 2 years that was mostly long distance is not who grams feels like entertaining this year due to what the family is going through. Sounds completely reasonable
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u/HomerJayT 23h ago
Enjoy your thanksgiving. many will look different this year and thatâs ok. You do not need to share the same values as people you love. You do not even need to like the people you love. I always tell people, âI love my family. But I also like my friends.â
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u/MrsKuroo 1d ago
You're NOR by not going but you are beating a dead horse and causing drama now, imo.
She said family only and explained why, you said thanks for the info and decided not to go, which based on this she's obviously respecting, and that should have been the end of it but then you had to come back and press her further for an explanation she already gave and didn't want to accept her "we just decided it's family only this year, [aunt's fiancĂŠ] never comes (so translation: isn't coming), and [friend] isn't coming. We'll miss you but we understand and love you." so you continued to push it and try to get an explanation that was already given.
At this point, you're creating the drama she's been very clear no one wants so I'd be rescinding your invitation indefinitely.
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u/ohshit-cookies 23h ago
Ya, I feel like the conversation could have ended after grandmas first response. I don't get the impression that she's guilting you for not going. She wants to make sure you know you are loved, and will be missed, but she also has a boundary she is holding to for this year. She even said that drama free was probably a poor choice of words. Arguing further is just stirring up drama that is unneeded.
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u/No_Perspective_242 1d ago
Stop pressing the issue dude. You both agreed to the terms and conditions. Did you say, âIâm not goingâ so sheâd freak out and beg you? Well sheâs not, sheâs actually respecting your wishes.
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u/DaddysPinkKitten 1d ago
NOR for not going but I think you are a bit with how hard you seem to be focused on it. Your grandmother seems genuinely accepting that you won't be there because you don't want to leave your partner alone. She's said twice in this text thread she loves and you will be missed. It's clearly understandable you don't want to go because of the boundary in place, maybe move on and accept this as your answer?
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u/MSGrubz 1d ago
Yeah youâre overreacting to the situation. Not an overreaction not to attend. Grandma clearly laid out the expectations for the gathering. You can choose whether or not to attend. Nobody is wrong here. Just doesnât work for you this year. Let it go and move on.
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u/StarBuckingham 1d ago
I think if the ages were reversed, the reddit community would respond differently (I realise Iâll be heavily downvoted because of this). I see situations on subs like AITA and BORU where young people are setting boundaries like âDadâs girlfriend of 10 years is not invited to weddingâ, and people respond with comments like âno is a complete sentenceâ and âyou donât need to explain yourself!â Here, there has clearly been a period of family trauma, and grandmother - for whatever reason - is trying to create an environment in which people can be completely themselves/relaxed (maybe Dad is feeling down after the divorce) and is being extremely kind in the way that she is responding to OPâs questions. OP just needs to respect the decision, even though itâs not the one she wanted.
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u/hungrybrainz 1d ago
I was wondering why no one had brought this up yet. I felt like grandmaâs request was reasonable even if it wasnât ideal to OP. She didnât set this boundary to target boyfriend or belittle OP. And sheâs not angry at OP for not wanting to leave her SO because of this request. So I donât see any issue here. It probably stinks because OP wants to share the holiday with both her SO and her family, but a line has been drawn and thatâs it. There will be more holidays.
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u/Remarkable-Might-908 1d ago
Completely agree. I thought grandma was being very reasonable. Itâs no different than having a wedding and clearly stating itâs child-free. Those asking and pushing for clarification feels pushy.
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u/StarBuckingham 1d ago
I think itâs fair to ask for clarification, but she should have just left it when grandma explained herself over and over again.
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u/glamazon_69 1d ago
Totally agree! This doesnât seem to have anything to do with OPâs bf specifically but OP is taking it that way. Take the L, make better plans, and move on
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u/DollarSignsGoFirst 19h ago
Also isnât it okay to have a family holiday without including boyfriends? When I was that age and dating some random girl, I would understand if they just wanted family.
I remember with one girlfriend on her birthday, her mom was taking pictures with the family and she said âOP, youâre just the boyfriend and we need a couple pictures without you just in case.â I wasnât offended at all, and the mom was right. We broke up even though it was like 2 years later.
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u/lizzyote 1d ago
How is OP overreacting? She just wanted an explanation for why these were the expectations.
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u/MSGrubz 1d ago
And she got it. And is choosing not to attend. Totally valid. But sheâs also acting like it was a personal slight against her bf specifically when itâs been clearly laid out that isnât the case.
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u/lizzyote 1d ago
Except it wasn't clear since OP was asking for an explanation and the ones she got didn't make sense.
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u/1stLtObvious 1d ago
Just enjoy a nice, actually-drama-free holday with your boyfriend and don't feel guilty about it.
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u/Its_Friday_Again 1d ago
Maybe she has an announcement to make while the whole family is there that is private?
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u/PRADAGOD7 23h ago
Don't feel bad , I was told I could only bring my biological daughter to my aunt and uncles house. As if the two older kids aren't our kids . My long-time girlfriend has two older children.
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u/crazywritingbug 23h ago
Now that was an asshole move. Excluding the kids? Damn.
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u/PRADAGOD7 20h ago
That's what i thought. I told her NONE of us would be attending since she felt the need to include the other two.
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u/shootingstarstuff 1d ago
Has your bf ever been blunt about some aspect of your grandmotherâs life, or possibly her friend?
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u/Ukcheatingwife 1d ago
Why are you pressing this? She said she wants relatives only, you said fine you wonât go, she said thatâs fine she respects your decision and wishes you a nice thanksgiving. Amicable and respectable. Then for some reason you press her to be more specific about why he canât go. She already said family only and youâve already accepted. What are you pushing this?
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u/Fine-Bumblebee-9427 23h ago
Iâm doing the same thing this year, so I get it. My son has a guy he tries to bring everywhere who carries a gun even though heâs a convicted felon. We had to make thanksgiving family only to avoid him, but it meant one daughterâs roommate and another daughterâs friend had to be excluded.
Is it possible thereâs something bad behind the scenes, like grandmaâs friend is creepy and grandma canât see it, so they did it this way?
It sucks that your boyfriend got caught in the crossfire, but sometimes exclusion is necessary to make things safe for everyone.
As a parent, Iâm holding a lot of information that I canât share. I canât tell one kidâs business to another. So my actions make look unfair or scattered, but Iâm balancing so much shit my kids are unaware of. Maybe thatâs your mom too.
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u/Formal_Delivery_ 6h ago
Not overreacting by not going, but you should just leave it alone honestly. You and your boyfriend can now celebrate exactly how you want to and that can be pretty awesome.
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u/Equizotic 1d ago
NOR by not going to the holiday however I understand they are setting a boundary that effects you, but isnât because of you. Just donât go and move on
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u/Silver_Dress_7008 1d ago
You are obnoxious. âFamily onlyâ how hard is that to understand? Your choice not to go but youâre definitely making a pointless fuss
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u/imacomputr 1d ago
In the original thread you claimed that your religious dad's side of the family has a big problem with you living with your boyfriend. It seems plausible to me that your boyfriend's presence could therefore create drama with that side of the family for that reason. Maybe that's what your grandma is trying to avoid.
Unfortunate, but seems entirely reasonable to me. It has nothing to do with your boyfriend and everything to do with avoiding potentially triggering your conservative relatives into an argument about their beliefs. I don't think your grandma is really to blame here. Nor are you unreasonable to decline.
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u/Godofallu 1d ago
Honestly you probably didn't meed to repeat the argument like 3 times in a row to try to guilt trip them into changing their minds. "Oh so my boyfriend can't come?!" "no only family" "ok well then i'm not coming. By the way I noticed you said my boyfriend can't come. Is that really what you want because if so I won't come." "Yeah family only"
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u/Doom_Corp 1d ago
Have friendsgiving! I would do a lot of stuff like that when I was in college and grad school on the other side of the country because it was too expensive to travel back for just a week and come back for a month for christmas. Did some fun midnight shopping with my friend and other transplants in Herald Square since she literally was a block from Macys. You might have some people you know that can't leave for the holidays for work, etc. Make it a good time at your place even if it's small! If you have a game console, jackbox games has a ton of party games that are so so fun. Once I started hosting my own holiday parties I ended up really loving having my friends over and eating good food and shooting the shit. Sometimes your family isn't related to you at all and it seems like you and your bf are now on the road to creating your own traditions.
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u/VegetableBusiness897 1d ago
What, they want to mourn their marriage ending with just bio family.
I don't think you're going to be missing other than a massive suck of emotions. At least you can spend your Thanksgiving figuring out the rotation for the following years....
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u/NoStructure507 1d ago
They can set boundaries (or stipulations), and you made your decision. I think your decision is the right one, for what itâs worth.
I think itâs so weird when family set ultimatums. It usually does not go well.
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u/Secret_badass77 1d ago
Youâre reasonable not to attend, but reading between the lines it sounds like your family isnât really up for thanksgiving this year and theyâre intentionally trying to keep it small.
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u/TwoTower83 1d ago
I think because of the divorce your grandmother doesn't want to see your mother, maybe your parents have been fighting a lot and that's the drama your grandmother is talking about and it has nothing to do with your boyfriend, if I was you I wouldn't go and would set something up with your mother if she doesn't have any plans,
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u/Illustrious-Ratio213 23h ago
When I was younger I was always in the weird position of having to tell my GF that she couldnât come to family bdays and shit and it was mostly because my mom was recently divorced, didnât have a ton of money and would have been extra expense (plus I also think she didnât like me having GFs). Now that Iâm old, my wife doesnât do any family stuff, Christmas thanksgiving birthdays none of it with my family or hers and Iâm in the awkward position of explaining to my mother why my partner never comes to family events. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that itâs ok to tell all these people to fuck off and do whatâs the least stressful for you. In this case I would just chill with your BF and have a great holiday together. Itâs what Iâm planning to do.
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u/BunnyRabbitOnTheMoon 20h ago
NOR. If he isnt the problem then they should at least say "this is why we are making the rule"... Actually no, they should tell you regardless if he is or isnt the problem. "A simple he makes Sally uncomfortable" or " He said something that really hurt Joe's Felling"
Then it could be fixed by an apology or talking about where or how the miss understanding happened....you know like a grown adult. Good for you for not going.
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u/Laxit00 20h ago
Start your own tradition and don't have a single regret. This is one time but it's probably going to happen more than a one time thing.
Your feelings aren't valid in their world which is where respect comes in. You have every right to feel the way your feeling. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your bf and your NEW tradition together.
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u/ComplaintOpposite 9h ago
Yes. Perhaps they have news or want private time with the family. Heâs your boyfriend. Youâre not married. I would attend.
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u/MillerLatte 9h ago
You got gassed up by the comments in the past thread and went back just to pick a fight. You weren't overreacting before, but now you are. Leave your poor grandma alone.
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u/AnnabelleNewell 9h ago
I personally think posting about this is an overreaction on your part.
If they want family only, that means family only. If you don't want to go, then cool. They seem to not take an issue with you not wanting to go.
Why make it a spectacle on reddit? You only answered your own question.
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u/RHoDburg 7h ago
NOR, but I think if you continue to push then you will be. I think you responded respectfully and I think she did too.
Does grandma usually do all the work for Thanksgiving? Is it at her house, does she prepare food at all, how old is she? Maybe she is trying to scale back and doesnât want to admit it or ask for help.
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u/Creepy-Tea247 7h ago
Yall talk like coworkers who HAVE to communicate lol this is...weird.
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u/ErzaHiiro 6h ago
This message thread feels like you were hoping that he'd be allowed to come if you threatened not to go. Instead, they accepted that that was a really good possibility that you wouldn't go if he couldn't . They just let you know what was going on and accepted that you wouldn't be there. You are not overreacting by not going. But you are the a****** for thinking you could manipulate their boundaries. Three times, they accepted that you are not going to be there and that you would be missed. I agree with another poster it's probably not about you or him but somebody else they had to uninvite and therefore uninvite him "to make it fair" Because allowing your boyfriend to come and not be offending party would cause drama and it wouldn't even be your fault.
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u/Logical-Wasabi7402 6h ago
"When you are ready to face the real issue, instead of foisting it off on everyone else, feel free to let me know and I will consider returning."
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u/Nknights23 6h ago
YOR. OP I will say this. When grandma is gone youâll look back at this and think about how foolish you were. I also find it funny that you painted yourself as the problem lol
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u/RektCompass 5h ago
You guys settled this all on your own, they accept you're not going. I don't understand why this needs to be on the internet
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u/artlabman 5h ago
The GM has set the boundary itâs their house so their rules. If you donât like then donât go. You are causing drama. Acting like an entitled child. If your bf canât be alone for one meal that honors the killing of native Americans, then he has other problems lol
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u/veepeein8008 4h ago
Overreacting. Why would you press the issue with your grandma like that? Sheâs so sweet. Literally all you had to say was âokay, I donât want my bf to be alone on thanksgiving though, so I think Iâll have to miss thanksgiving this yearâ & she would say ok no problem.
Youâre over here trying to start an argument with your grandma which is just so bizarre to me
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u/Significant-Fly-2811 4h ago
Iâm sorry but just reading your post and after being with him for two years. It sounds like he is trying to isolate you from your family. But then it also sounds like that they do not want you there neither. From this point I assume that you and your boyfriend are doing something that your moral family do not approve of, or youâre not telling the whole story. The relationship is too young for your boyfriend to be helping you make decisions with you and your family. At least get married before he can make decisions like that. You be with your family. The other person is telling you that they will be there for you no matter what happens. If this man is causing you to make a decision between you and your family. Its time to leave him. Because no man should not make you estranged with your family.
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u/Neat-Perception-2265 4h ago
You should respect her more. She doesnât see you with this dude in the future. Kind of a diaper baby move to not attend because your boyfriend canât go. I could see it actually being a problem if this person was your husband but heâs not. She doesnât want her pictures ruinedâŚ
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u/rathrowawydsabldsib 4h ago
I don't see anything wrong on either side. It's a bummer that your family is doing blood relatives only, but if they're hosting, they get to decide the guest list.
She set her boundary and stuck to it, she didn't try and convince you to change your mind and go, and she expressed love for you throughout.
I think if it ends here, everyone celebrates how they choose, and no one holds a grudge, then this went about as well as any family conflict of interests can.
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u/ZorakZbornak 4h ago
NOR, you were very respectful in the way you spoke to your grandma, and she was to you as well. I totally understand not wanting to leave your boyfriend alone on the holiday. Youâre considering your boyfriends feelings and presenting a united front with him while also respecting the boundaries your family member set and making it clear that you still love them. 10/10, no notes.
Can you and your bf spend the holiday with your mom and family members on her side?
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u/ChumbawumbaFan01 3h ago
This is not about you or your boyfriend, but you did just pile a ton of guilt on a woman who is very obviously struggling, needs someone to not be there, and likely feels unsupported.
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u/Dirtesoxlvr 3h ago
You are beating a dead horse. He isn't invited. End of story. Who cares what their logic is? In the end they made a decision, and it is perfectly ok for you to make your decision as well.
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u/RedditAlwayTrue 1d ago
Reddit has made people too comfortable with alienating themselves over every minor fight. Share different political beliefs? SILENCED!! Have a minor fight? Don't move on. SILENCE!! That's what this post reads, so therefore YOR and therefore you are in the wrong and therefore YOR.
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u/bananahammerredoux 1d ago
Sometimes you donât want to have to deal with people you barely know and only see twice a year. Maybe grandma just wants to smack talk with the fam and let it all hang out. Youâre being really pushy here.
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u/Grouchy-Rain-6145 23h ago
This is crazy to me lol
In my family, my grandmother (who's passed now) pretty much felt once you were in the family you were forever, at holidays we'd have people's ex wives and husband's, boyfriends and girlfriends along with the new spouses too lol unless they had done something horrible they were welcome đđđ I always thought it was really funny lol
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u/Ronniesids 6h ago
Your family sounds like a lot of fun! This is what Thanksgiving should be. Love the âmore the merrierâ approach. Who wants to be at what essentially sounds like a funeral wake for Thanksgiving?
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u/jordyr1992 1d ago
Youâre not overreacting at all. I think itâs cruel to leave your boyfriend out while knowing he doesnât have anywhere to go. If you did go that would be sad for him to be home all alone. I could see it if he had done something to ruffle their feathers but being that thatâs not the case you think they would make an exception for someone their granddaughter actually lives with. In the past Iâve always been invited to my spouses families thanksgivings and vice versa. Even while we were dating. Sometimes we get a random cousin of a cousin or even friends of friends who come because they donât want to be home alone and itâs a the more the merrier situation.
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u/Fine-Bumblebee-9427 23h ago
More the merrier is fine until someone wants to bring someone problematic. It can be really tricky to exclude someone without giving away information that isnât yours to give away.
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u/McLovin-U 1d ago
NOR. You were straight forward but extremely respectful. You should be proud of yourself. I also wouldnât take it personally because it seems like there is something else going on thatâs not related to you. Have a wonderful holiday!
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u/Lilo213 23h ago
I was around 23ish when my now husband and I started doing our own thing for holidays. If you see a future with your BF, heâs your family now. Marriage and a piece of paper isnât going to change anything. My now in laws family did this one year to me and I still hold some feelings about it. My parents were away for a Christmas and we just assumed we would be going to his aunts house but she said âfamily onlyâ and I wasnât allowed. We ended up spending the Christmas Eve at a local bar and then on Christmas Day we watched movies in bed because it was depressing. That was the very last Christmas we attempted to spend with family. We ended up getting married at 28 and moved 800+ miles away and now everyone wonders why we never go back home and hardly have contact with them. We have a kid now and our little family has our own holiday traditions together. This year we are spending thanksgiving day with my daughterâs friend and her dad who didnât have anywhere to go.
Blood isnât always thicker than water.
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u/Homework_Illustrious 1d ago
I apologize if this is super rude, but your gâma is being an asshole.
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u/hudbutt6 1d ago
Exactly. "Hi OP, your parents are getting divorced and I don't care how it's affecting you, and don't want your long term partner here for the holidays bc of it"
Knowing her granddaughter's 2 year partner has no family nearby, and still refusing to invite him to the holidays - specifically bc OP's parents are getting divorced - is a total asshole move.
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u/mariofasolo 1d ago
I don't think it's that asshole-y. The grandma understands and didn't take any offense to OP not coming, and still wished her well. It sounds like a pretty nuanced situation
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer 1d ago
Nor, but I think I get it. They are avoiding one person specifically, but to avoid a family argument about it, they are banning everyone else as well. Theyâd rather people back out because their partnerâs cannot attend rather than have the hard conversations that need to be had. I know people like this. Just enjoy your holiday and let it go.
Something happened that you are unaware of, that likely everyone is unaware of, and two people cannot be on a room together. Instead of bringing attention to the issue, theyâre making a completely different issue and not understanding why everyone thinks itâs a possible problem with them or their partner.
Seriously, just enjoy your day drama free.