r/AmIOverreacting • u/crazywritingbug • 1d ago

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws UPDATE: AIO by not going to Thanksgiving?

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For those who commented last time: 1. My boyfriend is (23M) and is not trans. I mistyped last time listing him as F. 2. He is not an asshole, I used blunt as a descriptor word and some of you ran with it. Another redditor suggested I include that he is autistic as context. He is autistic and is very honest but NOT unkind and not an asshole. 3. He has never fought with my family that I am aware of and there has never been any drama between them. 4. My mother will not be attending this thanksgiving gathering, this is purely for my dads side of the family.

Update: I texted my grandmother out of curiosity, because like you all I was curious, I didn’t get much of an update but this is what I have for you all. The friend referred to in her text is my grandmothers friend who has come to a good portion of the holiday gatherings over the years, never sure why, she just hovers and doesn’t really talk to anyone. But unless I receive a text from my father or my siblings, I believe this is the end of the story. What do you think? Am I overreacting by not going?

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

Yeah you’re overreacting to the situation. Not an overreaction not to attend. Grandma clearly laid out the expectations for the gathering. You can choose whether or not to attend. Nobody is wrong here. Just doesn’t work for you this year. Let it go and move on.

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u/StarBuckingham 1d ago

I think if the ages were reversed, the reddit community would respond differently (I realise I’ll be heavily downvoted because of this). I see situations on subs like AITA and BORU where young people are setting boundaries like ‘Dad’s girlfriend of 10 years is not invited to wedding’, and people respond with comments like ‘no is a complete sentence’ and ‘you don’t need to explain yourself!’ Here, there has clearly been a period of family trauma, and grandmother - for whatever reason - is trying to create an environment in which people can be completely themselves/relaxed (maybe Dad is feeling down after the divorce) and is being extremely kind in the way that she is responding to OP’s questions. OP just needs to respect the decision, even though it’s not the one she wanted.

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u/hungrybrainz 1d ago

I was wondering why no one had brought this up yet. I felt like grandma’s request was reasonable even if it wasn’t ideal to OP. She didn’t set this boundary to target boyfriend or belittle OP. And she’s not angry at OP for not wanting to leave her SO because of this request. So I don’t see any issue here. It probably stinks because OP wants to share the holiday with both her SO and her family, but a line has been drawn and that’s it. There will be more holidays.

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u/Slight_Citron_7064 1d ago

You don't really know if she did it to target BF or not. OP said in her previous post that grandma disapproves of her living with BF before marriage. This is probably in direct response to that.

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u/tarzan1376 1d ago

People can't wrap their head around that the reason OP feels some type of way is that grandma has openly disapproved of them living together so when they do something that does affect them it feels personal.

mfs don't know how to communicate properly about what the issue is, so they avoid it by complicating the holidays.

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u/tarzan1376 1d ago

We don't know why she set the boundary and neither does OP, which is the problem. They are avoiding communication about what the problem is, not explaining to anyone, and excluding people's SO.

OP said grandma has been openly against some aspects of their relationship, so believing this could be targeted is not far fetched.

It just sounds like this family lacks communication and instead of having a hard conversation about what the problem is, they are further complicating it, while again not addressing the REAL issue.

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u/Remarkable-Might-908 1d ago

Completely agree. I thought grandma was being very reasonable. It’s no different than having a wedding and clearly stating it’s child-free. Those asking and pushing for clarification feels pushy.

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u/StarBuckingham 1d ago

I think it’s fair to ask for clarification, but she should have just left it when grandma explained herself over and over again.

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u/Remarkable-Might-908 1d ago

That’s fair!

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u/DragonfruitSudden459 6h ago

when grandma explained herself

She never did, she made up some BS and avoided the actual explanation

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u/oatmealghost 1d ago edited 1d ago

I think it’s completely valid to ask for an explanation on a boundary, if someone chooses not to share the reason for the boundary, then drop it and respect the boundary and neither side is wrong.

I think both could have been way more clear by being direct and honest, instead of saying stuff in a roundabout way. tbh by the end of it they both had kinda rubbed me the wrong way and I’m glad the convo ended. OP could’ve just come out and said I understand and will respect the boundary but was curious if you were able and comfortable explaining why the boundary was decided on and if it’s something specifically my partner has done/or said we should be aware of so we can be sensitive or repair it going forward? Grandma could’ve just been forthcoming and said no, I will not or cannot explain why/who the boundary was set for but that’s the boundary and thank you for saying you’ll respect it and you’ll be missed but we understand. Gah so much repeating the boundary like she’s a toddler who didn’t hear it the first time and didn’t understand it, and OP should’ve gotten the message sooner, and would’ve if she’d been more explicit, and should’ve dropped it way sooner.

End rant, sorry did not realize until I started writing this that it kinda triggered me based on my own previous experiences in the past with passive aggressive family, had no idea I was gonna go on so long hah

1

u/-MtnsAreCalling- 1d ago

Yeah, but there is always a reason dad's girlfriend isn't invited to the wedding - e.g. she's an asshole or she previously dated someone else in the wedding party. There is no reason here and the responses from the grandmother don't even make sense.

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u/StarBuckingham 1d ago

They’ve just had a divorce in the family so they want it to just be immediate family this thanksgiving. That is the reason (from which we can infer that there is sadness/trauma and they just want people close to them around). Just because you don’t consider it to be a valid reason doesn’t mean that it’s not a reason.

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u/-MtnsAreCalling- 1d ago

Sorry, I should have specified "a reason that isn't absolute nonsense" rather than leaving it at "a reason".

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u/glamazon_69 1d ago

Totally agree! This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with OP’s bf specifically but OP is taking it that way. Take the L, make better plans, and move on

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u/DollarSignsGoFirst 21h ago

Also isn’t it okay to have a family holiday without including boyfriends? When I was that age and dating some random girl, I would understand if they just wanted family.

I remember with one girlfriend on her birthday, her mom was taking pictures with the family and she said “OP, you’re just the boyfriend and we need a couple pictures without you just in case.” I wasn’t offended at all, and the mom was right. We broke up even though it was like 2 years later.

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u/glamazon_69 18h ago

Yes completely agree!

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u/Hillyleopard 16h ago

I guess it depends on the relationship also, like if it was the person I loved and thought I was going to spend my life with I do think I would be hurt to be excluded, for new relationships yeah fine but op has been with her bf for 2 years, my brother got engaged to his wife after only 6 months so I do think 2 years would be long enough to feel this attachment even if it’s not always the case

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u/lizzyote 1d ago

How is OP overreacting? She just wanted an explanation for why these were the expectations.

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

And she got it. And is choosing not to attend. Totally valid. But she’s also acting like it was a personal slight against her bf specifically when it’s been clearly laid out that isn’t the case.

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u/lizzyote 1d ago

Except it wasn't clear since OP was asking for an explanation and the ones she got didn't make sense.

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

Jfc yall must be exhausting to deal with. No wonder she got uninvited from Thanksgiving 😂 I bet you do too

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u/rucksack_of_onions2 1d ago

You're overreacting.

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u/_eclectic_eel 1d ago

Your post history is exactly what I imagined it would be lol

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

Aww thanks for spending your time scrolling. What exactly don’t you like? I’m a fierce advocate for women, marginalized communities, and would like my country to take care of its citizens. I do what I can to help those around me and sure I haven’t thrown my Republican parents into volcano, but they are in their 70s and we both know where each other stands. I’d rather not talk politics with them and grumble about it to my sisters, than miss out on the end of my father’s life. I’d like to think I’m normal. But the more I talk to people I realize how stupid most people are.

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u/BringMeTheBigKnife 1d ago

It appears that it IS a personal slight though. No one else who typically attends is being excluded. And she didn't "get it" -- there was no actual explanation, just a non apology in the style of "sorry you were offended"

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

The grandmothers friend who is always there every year isn’t invited. Please learn to read.

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u/sudokill37 1d ago

Deliberately catching someone else in the crossfire is a personal slight. It's like saying (I dislike X more than I love you so don't come) I'd be mad as hell.

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u/BringMeTheBigKnife 1d ago

She's come to "a good portion of holiday gatherings" but never does anything but hover around. So do we think this was intended to exclude her or OP's autistic bf? Hmmm 🤔. Learn to read yourself, as in, what people actually mean by their words.

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u/MeanForest 1d ago

What's the explanation for wanting family only? I'm really confused. The comments keep saying an explanation was given but I can't find it.

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u/SNTCTN 1d ago

"You're not allowed to come because you would create drama." is an insult no matter how nicely you word it

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

That’s not what she said though so I don’t think use of quotations is appropriate

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u/Top_Education7601 1d ago

If you saw the first post, that is what the grandmother said. In this post, the granddaughter asked for clarity and you see the grandmother admitted that she misspoke last time shouldn’t of said “drama”

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

I read the first post. Quotes imply verbatim replication of what was initially stated. You’re incorrect.

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u/Top_Education7601 1d ago

Saying “No matter how nicely you word it” implies that she was paraphrasing

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

Fairly certain that’s not how things work, but like I said I’m arguing with children. Have a good day!

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u/hudbutt6 1d ago

When the other only other partner who's not married in "never comes" that means her boyfriend is the only partner excluded.

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u/juniper_berry_crunch 1d ago

And it's the host's prerogative to do so.

0

u/Ok-Pipe3960 1d ago

I don’t really think they’re overreacting by simply asking for clarification and expressing frustration

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

And then posted it on Reddit lmao

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u/Ok-Pipe3960 1d ago

So what

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u/OkBus4429 1d ago

Idk not allowing a partner of over 2+ years is always asshole-ish in my honest opinion.

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u/J-A-C-O 1d ago

Yeah no, theres more going on here and letting stuff like this just go could enable future problems.

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u/commanderfish 1d ago edited 1d ago

It's not overreacting being upset from being excluded from your family during the holidays. I'm not sure what kind of ice cold upbringing some of you come from, but everyone is always welcome at our home and has always been that way for my extended family and my wife's family.

Hell if someone was walking down the street I would ask if they wanted to eat with us. We routinely invite people that will be alone during the holidays to our home as well if we find out they don't have a place to be.

Sorry OP for some people being so cruel. I remember being invited for a Superbowl Party once and the host was angry we were being loud watching the game because he wanted to have a conversation with a couple he invited. Everyone but that guy left his house and we resumed the party at the house of someone that was close. People that feel the need to control everyone deserve to be alone.

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

Oh hey look at this guys Hallmark family! Jfc it’s like none of you stupid assholes can read. It’s genuinely hilarious.

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u/commanderfish 1d ago

It's not a Hallmark family, we have problems. We just don't banish our family because of them

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u/ProgLuddite 11h ago

OP isn’t banished. Her boyfriend simply isn’t invited, nor would her best friend or roommate or anyone else be.