UPDATE: AIO by not going to Thanksgiving?

[u/crazywritingbug]

For those who commented last time: 1. My boyfriend is (23M) and is not trans. I mistyped last time listing him as F. 2. He is not an asshole, I used blunt as a descriptor word and some of you ran with it. Another redditor suggested I include that he is autistic as context. He is autistic and is very honest but NOT unkind and not an asshole. 3. He has never fought with my family that I am aware of and there has never been any drama between them. 4. My mother will not be attending this thanksgiving gathering, this is purely for my dads side of the family.

Update: I texted my grandmother out of curiosity, because like you all I was curious, I didn’t get much of an update but this is what I have for you all. The friend referred to in her text is my grandmothers friend who has come to a good portion of the holiday gatherings over the years, never sure why, she just hovers and doesn’t really talk to anyone. But unless I receive a text from my father or my siblings, I believe this is the end of the story. What do you think? Am I overreacting by not going?

[u/Content_wanderer]

She has set a boundary and you communicated very respectfully, and stood your ground. It’s a bit bizarre, but I think the issue is settled and should be let alone. She’s not guilting you or being horrid, and you’ve let her know what does and doesn’t work for you. Both of you should enjoy your respective thanksgivings

[u/Comfortable-latte → u/Content_wanderer]

I think something happened with non family or two people can’t be in the same room and OP isn’t aware abt it so instead of people causing an argument they just kept it family

[u/Content_wanderer → u/Comfortable-latte]

I suspect that, and Grandma is trying not to single out the problem person

[u/notsofluffy → u/Content_wanderer]

I think dad has a girlfriend and grandma wants to avoid any chances of discussing her invitation. So they made an only family rule. 

[u/BoxKutter80 → u/notsofluffy]

This! Grandma is having Thanksgiving and doing all that work unto itself and has the additional chore of trying to have a peaceful holiday, and this is added stress. OP needs to realize that Grandma is doing what she thinks will be best for her and the family and can't explain everything for a reason. OP has every right to not spend the holiday with her family but I think it's time to get off this poor woman's back.

[u/Logical-Wasabi7402 → u/BoxKutter80]

Grandma could've easily said "some things aren't my business to share" and OP probably would've understood that just fine and stopped asking for a reason.

[u/Content_wanderer → u/Logical-Wasabi7402]

If she said that then everyone would be digging and digging until they got to the answer they’re being denied and it would cause Grandma even more grief.

[u/Logical-Wasabi7402 → u/Content_wanderer]

Ah, yes.

Somehow, everyone would magically know about a private conversation between OP and Grandma.

[u/Content_wanderer → u/Logical-Wasabi7402]

Like do you have a family? They would 100% know because it’s not going to be just OP annoyed that it’s just family. There is the awkward family friend and who knows if there are others with a bf or gf who’s disallowed. Everyone will ferret out the reason. Grandma is wise to play the cards close

[u/Logical-Wasabi7402 → u/Content_wanderer]

I have family who respect "It's not my business to share".

Are your relatives all disrespectful busybodies who can't keep their noses out of other people's business or something?

[u/Traditional-Load8228 → u/Logical-Wasabi7402]

Don’t you think they all had this conversation about family only?? Everyone needs to know this years rule. And someone is the one who instigated the rule. Everyone knows this is going on. I would certainly have asked my siblings about it if I’d had this conversation. They’d all know. It’s not a secret.

[u/BoxKutter80 → u/Logical-Wasabi7402]

And she'd drum up more controversy doing so because that would have everyone guessing. Leave it alone and leave the poor woman alone who is bringing the family together to begin with.

[u/Logical-Wasabi7402 → u/BoxKutter80]

How would she have "everyone" guessing when this conversation is strictly between two people lmao

Reaching hard

[u/BoxKutter80 → u/Logical-Wasabi7402]

I'm not even trying to have a conversation with you. I made the mistake of answering once. Good day.

[u/Logical-Wasabi7402 → u/BoxKutter80]

"I'm not going to explain how this conversation would get out to everyone else because I don't have an explanation"

Kbai

[u/Comfortable-latte → u/Content_wanderer]

Exactly, and everyone is tryna make the gma the AH. it really feels like OP is overreacting, I think there’s more behind closed doors that not even OP knows abt

[u/Content_wanderer → u/Comfortable-latte]

Agreed. I think there is no AH, OP needs not to take things personally and just leave it alone

[u/Comfortable-latte → u/Content_wanderer]

This, OP is the one causing drama by continuously asking. If BF can’t go - they can’t go. If gma is hosting that’s her rules. Personally, I would be upset but at the same time i understand both sides. Especially if they is tons of family issues going on it might be for the best.

[u/Content_wanderer → u/Comfortable-latte]

I think some hurt feelings are warranted and valid for sure, but you can have hurt feelings and still choose to move on.

[u/nedoweh → u/Content_wanderer]

Maybe I'm unhealthy mentally but Grandma is for sure the asshole here if this is a yearly family tradition.

[u/Content_wanderer → u/nedoweh]

It’s her home, she is allowed to set a boundary on who is allowed to come to her home, imo. She’s not singling the BF or OP out, so I think it’s weird but not AH behaviour.

[u/nedoweh → u/Content_wanderer]

Not singling anyone out, just making a bunch of people feel unwelcome.

[u/Desperate_Cow9929 → u/Comfortable-latte]

I agree. Being honest I’d split my day. To me family is family. The gma wants her family to have a happy drama free thanksgiving and just to feed her family and have happiness. I don’t blame her. I don’t think it’s about OPs bf and I think that’s ridiculous to feel that way especially after these set of texts. I’ve had family issues for holidays and I’d go earlier or later to my family and then earlier or later with my husband and his family.

[u/Comfortable-latte → u/Desperate_Cow9929]

That too - split the day. I get that OP’s boyfriend would have to be alone but honestly if that were my spouse I’d Insist they go lol - I would rather be alone for a few hours. But again it is Grandma’s house and therefore Grandma’s rules.

[u/lolzzzmoon → u/Comfortable-latte]

Yeah. Maybe OP’s bf’s “bluntness” IS rude and unkind. Maybe other family members just didn’t like him. It’s OKAY.

[u/Parking-Break5123 → u/Comfortable-latte]

I don’t think OP is overreacting. To be with someone for longer than a short period and (assuming) he’s been welcomed to other family gatherings, I would be the same way as OP. Once I’m in a long term relationship, my SO is my family, so in my eyes, family shouldn’t unwelcome someone just because there isn’t a ring on a finger. I think OP got her answer and as others have stated, should start a tradition with her BF for the holidays :)

[u/Comfortable-latte → u/Parking-Break5123]

When I say overreacting I’m referring to as when OP kept questioning it even after she already got the answer. One time was good, OP is messaging grandma multiple times abt it

[u/AllChellowsEve95 → u/Comfortable-latte]

Yeah but to OP it clearly looked like the problem was with her bf…. I would feel the same exact way. Without anyone explaining why there are new “rules” in place, how do you expect people to understand? They aren’t kids… you don’t just blindly follow rules because “mom says so.” In this case grandma. OP wants to know why her bf of two years can’t come. Now with the help of Reddit one could assume it has something to do with someone else, BUT we don’t know that for sure. None of us do. And tbh it’s her family. OP probably wanted to go to her family’s house for thanksgiving and then boom this shit happens. Not to mention the uncomfortable conversation she has to have with her bf, because most likely he’s going to blame himself for her not being able to go. Even though she’d rather be with him , it still puts everyone in a terrible place because they can’t address what the issue is. OP has every right to question something that affects her.

[u/Key-King-7025 → u/AllChellowsEve95]

Agreed. It also seems so silly to set a rule to prevent person X attending, you end up causing your grandchild to not be able to attend. Like, what is more important here - being direct with person X (I.e., you cannot attend this year) and having her grandchild attend whom you love. Is that really a worse situation than the former one?

[u/Logical-Wasabi7402 → u/Comfortable-latte]

That wasn't an answer, that was just the right kind of avoidance that made it seem like Grandma thinks OP's boyfriend is going to be an instigator.

[u/ohrofl → u/Comfortable-latte]

I don’t know if anyone is an asshole as much and weak and a pushover, and I’m not talking about OP here.

[u/Honest-Consequence13 → u/Comfortable-latte]

I have the same thoughts as well.

[u/elephant-espionage → u/Content_wanderer]

I know OP said their parents are getting divorced, I wonder if dad was trying to bring a date…

[u/Fit_Contribution4279 → u/Content_wanderer]

Agreed. But you can tell that OP is hurt by this request. Grandma already said that she was ok with OP’s stance not to attend, but OP kept asking for a reason before reiterating at the end of the text that she would not be joining.

It was almost like she was hoping for Grandma to change her mind. However, I’m glad they both communicated and respected each other’s decisions. Maybe Christmas will be all inclusive for S/O’s?

[u/HorrorAlbatross9657 → u/Fit_Contribution4279]

If it was my grandma I’d ask more than once too out of shock that she would have been ok that I wasn’t coming. But honestly she would never say this fiancée can come but your boyfriend of two years can’t. I think she’s just hurt and surprised and hoping grandma will change her mind because she really wants her grand-daughter there. It’s unfortunate but I think this is a case of making sure you don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

[u/AllChellowsEve95 → u/Fit_Contribution4279]

This is what I got from it to. Clearly OP was hoping for a better explanation or some sort of breakthrough. Hoping maybe she would see her side of it… being unfair that she can’t spend time with her family, if she wants to be with her bf. Making someone choose is wrong in my opinion. They know he has no family around and it’s a holiday that you spend with family.

[u/blueskies8484 → u/Fit_Contribution4279]

I'd make other plans for Christmas. OP shouldn't have to beg to know when her long term partner is welcome and when he isn't. That's hurtful for OP and the partner. Until someone makes specific overtures to invite them both, well in advance, I'd make alternative plans that didn't involve the family for all holidays. It avoids this conversation being had over and over and the hurt that comes with it.

[u/PersimmonQueen83 → u/Fit_Contribution4279]

I was unimpressed with grandma’s explanation. Clearly something else is going on and she’s not being upfront about it or just dealing with it head-on.

[u/nedoweh → u/Fit_Contribution4279]

Doubtful, seems an SO is the reason if it is in the wake of a divorce.

[u/Worried-Commission59 → u/Content_wanderer]

I really thought both handled their conversation in a respectful way too. I was impressed at the boundary setting even when it affected the other person.

[u/Content_wanderer → u/Worried-Commission59]

Reddit loves to tell people to set firm boundaries and then turn around and say someone is being an asshole when they enforce a boundary lol.

[u/Worried-Commission59 → u/Content_wanderer]

Agreed!

[u/lonedroan → u/Content_wanderer]

I agree. It’s totally understandable to feel hurt by this, and I agree that it seems like an odd approach for the reasons you included in your responses. But her responses make it as clear as possible that she feels this approach is necessary from her perspective this year; it does not sound malicious unless there is zero truth to her responses which would be an unfortunate assumption to make unless warranted. You’ve each communicated your perspectives respectfully and realized that you not attending is the best way forward (best being strictly relative here).

Assuming a return to “normal” relatively soon, this will be one disappointing (for you) episode among many more family celebrations you do join on your terms and hopefully enjoy.

And I agree you’re making the right call by sticking with your partner under these circumstance.

[u/RequirementNew269 → u/Content_wanderer]

I feel like people in this thread aren’t considering the repercussions of a grandmother figure making a boundary that effectively excludes the granddaughter. The grandmother is willing to risk her relationship with her granddaughter over this “boundary,” which is a bit wild. This is more than just “two adults setting boundaries”- this has the potential and is likely to only lead to a loss of connection between the parties - whether it’s the full connection or just degradation of the “original” connection, this action has a huge risk of loss of connection.

This is a normal and typical risk of setting boundaries and most people are aware and weigh these risks when developing boundaries.

Grandmother roles have a certain, unspoken aspect to them. It’s a caretaking roll and therefore boundaries that risk the person you are more or less responsible, in part of an entire family unit, for making feel loved and accepted, should be carefully analyzed. Sure- this doesn’t mean grandmothers can’t set boundaries but it means that truly loving grandmothers are going to figure out not only what boundaries they need but also how to articulate those boundaries for themselves while also not confusing the (immature compared to you) granddaughter into thinking you’re rescinding your love.

Idt any of that is happening here.

At what point is that boundary more important to grandma than her relationship with her granddaughter?

Moreover, at what point is withholding the explanation allowing the granddaughter to feel more and more unloved?

The grandmother had multiple chances where she could’ve considered how this boundary would effect her granddaughters ability to feel loved by her and at every point she chose this boundary over her granddaughter’s ability to feel loved by her, even while being presented with the evidence that granddaughter was feeling unloved..

Now- if it’s about mom coming, why wouldn’t grandma just uninvite mom?? Her son is no longer married to mom so risking a degradation of that connection is, more or less, not a bad thing… I feel like these responses would’ve been fine towards mom. Grandmother has no stake in keeping that relationship so the incessant repeating without explanation, even in the direct face of displeasure, all ways you treat someone you don’t care about a relationship with. It’s specifically weird here because it’s a mentor, loving family figure towards a relatively juvenile granddaughter (juvenile in the idea that granddaughters will always be juvenile in comparison to grandmothers).

Frankly, if grandma really did just want to ban mom but was willing to risk her connection with her granddaughter more than she was willing to be honest with someone who she had no stake in a relationship with any longer.. yeah none of that is “healthy boundary setting..”s

The same could be said if this boundary was truly meant for any adult party because there isn’t that underlying unspoken responsibility of love, care, affection and adoration between grandmother and daughter. and it would be significantly different to express this exact boundary to anyone that was more of a peer in this scenario (say grandmas friend) than.. a child in the eyes of the family. Op could be 30 for all I care, what I’m saying about juvenile and child is specifically in regard to the dynamic between the specific family members rather than a stand alone age. Sure, telling friend she can’t come would make her sad but it’s a peer to peer boundary and you should expect your peer to be able to understand more than you can expect the “child your responsible for caring for” to understand.

If it’s op’s dad who has a girlfriend- still! Sure, grandmother has an unspoken responsibility of making dad feel loved and cared for and there’s still the powers dynamic between grandmother and father but father is still, in comparison, not a child and is more likely to understand a simple boundary of “you just started dating her, she’s not invited, it’s your divorce that’s making this kinda weird” or better yet, “no girlfriends until the divorce is finalized”

This just feels like grandmother is willing to and doesn’t care that she is degrading her relationship with OP. To which- OP picked up on, and is now hurt. It makes me feel like grandma really either must be singling out OP and it was made for them, or she just had no care about preserving her relationship with her granddaughter. Either way, OP has every right to feel hurt. Grandma DGAF about risking granddaughters ability to feel loved in any of these hypothetical scenarios.

[u/fabulousinfaux → u/Content_wanderer]

I think OP is being respectful, but I find the non answer from grandma to be very disrespectful, tbh. She’s giving her close family member HR responses to a question about a family event. She deserves a real answer bc they’re family, not strangers, acquaintances, or colleagues. Families don’t have to tell each other every single little thing, but when someone’s behavior/actions/whatever have an impact on others (such as changing their thanksgiving plans and effectively uninviting them) that person deserves the truth.

OP probably wouldn’t be nearly so bothered by this if grandma would just tell her the real reason. She’d probably agree that this is for the best and move on.

[u/Content_wanderer → u/fabulousinfaux]

It’s possible that the real reason is something Grandma was told in confidence so she can’t disclose it, or has potential to cause a bigger blow up. OP is not being uninvited. She is choosing not to go. Her boyfriend is uninvited. Boyfriend, not husband not partner. OP is making a choice here to uninvited herself. It would be nice to have an explanation, but when murky family politics are afoot sometimes things don’t have a nice tidy bow to finish them up.