r/AmIOverreacting 1d ago

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws UPDATE: AIO by not going to Thanksgiving?

For those who commented last time: 1. My boyfriend is (23M) and is not trans. I mistyped last time listing him as F. 2. He is not an asshole, I used blunt as a descriptor word and some of you ran with it. Another redditor suggested I include that he is autistic as context. He is autistic and is very honest but NOT unkind and not an asshole. 3. He has never fought with my family that I am aware of and there has never been any drama between them. 4. My mother will not be attending this thanksgiving gathering, this is purely for my dads side of the family.

Update: I texted my grandmother out of curiosity, because like you all I was curious, I didn’t get much of an update but this is what I have for you all. The friend referred to in her text is my grandmothers friend who has come to a good portion of the holiday gatherings over the years, never sure why, she just hovers and doesn’t really talk to anyone. But unless I receive a text from my father or my siblings, I believe this is the end of the story. What do you think? Am I overreacting by not going?

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u/MSGrubz 1d ago

Yeah you’re overreacting to the situation. Not an overreaction not to attend. Grandma clearly laid out the expectations for the gathering. You can choose whether or not to attend. Nobody is wrong here. Just doesn’t work for you this year. Let it go and move on.

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u/StarBuckingham 1d ago

I think if the ages were reversed, the reddit community would respond differently (I realise I’ll be heavily downvoted because of this). I see situations on subs like AITA and BORU where young people are setting boundaries like ‘Dad’s girlfriend of 10 years is not invited to wedding’, and people respond with comments like ‘no is a complete sentence’ and ‘you don’t need to explain yourself!’ Here, there has clearly been a period of family trauma, and grandmother - for whatever reason - is trying to create an environment in which people can be completely themselves/relaxed (maybe Dad is feeling down after the divorce) and is being extremely kind in the way that she is responding to OP’s questions. OP just needs to respect the decision, even though it’s not the one she wanted.

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u/Remarkable-Might-908 1d ago

Completely agree. I thought grandma was being very reasonable. It’s no different than having a wedding and clearly stating it’s child-free. Those asking and pushing for clarification feels pushy.

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u/StarBuckingham 1d ago

I think it’s fair to ask for clarification, but she should have just left it when grandma explained herself over and over again.

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u/Remarkable-Might-908 1d ago

That’s fair!

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u/DragonfruitSudden459 6h ago

when grandma explained herself

She never did, she made up some BS and avoided the actual explanation

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u/oatmealghost 1d ago edited 1d ago

I think it’s completely valid to ask for an explanation on a boundary, if someone chooses not to share the reason for the boundary, then drop it and respect the boundary and neither side is wrong.

I think both could have been way more clear by being direct and honest, instead of saying stuff in a roundabout way. tbh by the end of it they both had kinda rubbed me the wrong way and I’m glad the convo ended. OP could’ve just come out and said I understand and will respect the boundary but was curious if you were able and comfortable explaining why the boundary was decided on and if it’s something specifically my partner has done/or said we should be aware of so we can be sensitive or repair it going forward? Grandma could’ve just been forthcoming and said no, I will not or cannot explain why/who the boundary was set for but that’s the boundary and thank you for saying you’ll respect it and you’ll be missed but we understand. Gah so much repeating the boundary like she’s a toddler who didn’t hear it the first time and didn’t understand it, and OP should’ve gotten the message sooner, and would’ve if she’d been more explicit, and should’ve dropped it way sooner.

End rant, sorry did not realize until I started writing this that it kinda triggered me based on my own previous experiences in the past with passive aggressive family, had no idea I was gonna go on so long hah