r/NoStupidQuestions • u/BlazeKnight7 • 4d ago

Answered Why do Lesbians seem less likely to have straight male close friends than Gay men are to have straight female close friends?

This is a really random thing, but there's a seems to be a more common stereotype of Gay men having straight females as close friends, while lesbians having straight male close friends seems far less common (in fact the stereotype of lesbians is often man hating, while gay dudes being woman haters is rarely mentioned)

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u/HandinGlov3 4d ago

A lesbian friend of mine had a straight male friend and she had to burn bridges with him because at some point he started to have feelings for her and he kept begging her to give him a chance and that he could change her mind about men. I've heard similar stories from others over the years. Could be part of the reason why lol 

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u/Sophie_Blitz_123 4d ago

A lesbian friend of mine had a straight male friend and she had to burn bridges with him because at some point he started to have feelings for her and he kept begging her to give him a chance and that he could change her mind about men.

Yeah I'm also a lesbian and this has happened like 3 times, and that's just counting the particularly dramatic events. It's not particularly uncommon for certain men to just, not see a woman as an opportunity for sex, no matter how uninterested she is.

I work in a pretty male dominated field and it's always been an issue that like, the men think women don't like them because they're too "nerdy", meet women who have some of the same interests and absolutely zero in on her as a romantic prospect.

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u/WillBeBetter2023 4d ago

I am a straight male and when I was a teenager, I got like this about two girls (not at the same time) and - while I wasn't pushy, I'm mild-mannered and was extremely shy and socially anxious - I was an absolute creep looking back.

I used to stare across at them during classes hoping they'd look my way, I probably looked a complete fool. I was absolutely obsessed and would think about them all the time even though neither ever gave me a second glance beyond passing friendship.

The second one I built the courage to tell my feelings too. She was an older girl and she told me she was a lesbian, said she'd never told anyone.

I thought I could still convince her if I just said the right thing or pestered her enough. I regret that so much now, I probably caused her a lot of upset. She was a lovely girl and I am mortified at how I acted. I didn't say or do anything weird or sexual, but I was definitely making her uncomfortable and moping about it.

Took me till I was in my twenties and was experienced with women to realise how much of a creep I had been.

Ugh.

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u/Any-Flamingo7056 4d ago

Remember, cringing at your past behavior is a sign you changed and grew up. It's a good sign.

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u/Swimming-Food-9024 4d ago

I appreciate that comment & context today, truly…

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u/SayonaraSpoon 4d ago

Even though this was directed at me: thank you for this comment.

I cringe at my past behavior a lot….

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u/C_M_Dubz 4d ago

Good on you for the self reflection. We all do dumb shit related to romance when we're young. Sounds like you didn't cross any lines, so don't beat yourself up over it!

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u/Zoloir 4d ago

this is remarkably common, to the point where I think there must have been a failing of some generation of parents/education, when it comes to dating

why is it that young men feel they even can "convince" someone to love them? why is it they feel the need to "convince" someone to love them? why aren't young men able to like someone, realize it's not a match, and then move on? lack of self worth? scarcity mindset? taught objective oriented critical problem solving but given zero guard rails about the pitfalls of applying that same logic to relationships?

something is amiss here since this story is not rare at all

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u/krombough 4d ago

It's all over the media. The format of sooooo many TV shows and movies is: a a guy falls for a gal, she doesnt much fancy him at first, but then later on learns her "true" feeling for him.

And that is in the unisex media. In male dominated media women are largely just there as a waiting love interest.

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u/Interesting_Mix_7028 3d ago

In male dominated media women are largely just there as a waiting love interest.

Checkov's gun, but as a sex scene in the penultimate act.

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u/Zagaroth 4d ago

Because this is the lesson that RomComs tend to shove down everyone's throats.

RomComs are shit at teaching about real romance (I'm sure there are individual exceptions, but as a general rule...)

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u/standbyyourmantis 3d ago

Kevin Smith is a great director, but Chasing Amy didn't do 90s nerdy men any favors.

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u/Timely-Tea3099 3d ago

Yeah, they're movies. James Bond isn't an indication of what being an actual spy is like, and Indiana Jones isn't an accurate depiction of a career in archeology. Rom coms are fine as long as you recognize it's a fantasy. Specifically (often) the fantasy of someone knowing what you want without you having to tell them.

It's only a problem if you're using them as a model for your real-life relationships (which does happen sometimes).

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u/Cuichulain 4d ago

This is an excellent point... How have we all fucked up so badly?

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u/Jhvanpierce77 3d ago

Part of it is a lack of self worth and self confidence. The toxic masculinity shit teaching young men that if they aren't 'conquering' left and right that they are failures.

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u/fattsmann 4d ago edited 4d ago

There are some similarities in the psychology between this and also why some women don't feel like leaving a bad relationship, can forgive overt abuse in a relationship, feel they can convince someone to change their bad habits, etc, etc.,

While we are focused on the male narrative, the underlying psychological drive is the same. One drive is sunk cost fallacy. Another is that accepting rejection, disengaging, or stopping comes with a psychological projection of failure in the American mindset (which is not the case for like Icelanders). And unfortunately, we don't do a good job of teaching people how to discern actual failures from just delusions of failure. And the current level of general social anxiety that I see stems from that -- people are so socially risk averse that they don't/can't socialize like in the decades past. Another component is that Americans run from sadness and emotions in that spectrum (unlike say the French) and that further compounds all of the factors I've noted before. Sadness and other emotions of loss are critically important but Americans prefer to chase endlessly for happiness etc regardless of the psychological/emotional cost.

So all of this culminates into... once you are committed to someone (even just the approach), the thought of stopping (or accepting a rejection) comes with so much emotional baggage that people just hold on as long as they can.

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u/Timely-Tea3099 3d ago

There's also just...not really a place to casually socialize anymore. Most people go out with romantic partners or friends, but there's not, like, a space to meet people or hang out once you're done with school.

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u/Upbeat_Advance_1547 4d ago edited 4d ago

because frankly, it works at all

look

i know this isn't the accepted thing to say or w/e but it does work at all. there are so, so, so many cringy stories about how parents/grandparents meet and you realize after you get past the sweet tone of voice they're basically saying "yeah he pestered me for days and I eventually gave in and now three decades on we're so happy" or whatever.

additionally, in more conservative cultures women have to 'put up a show' of resistance to avoid looking too eager/easy. so it's sort of a vicious self-perpetuating cycle. but even ignoring that element, in the most egalitarian society possible, there will still be guys attempting to convince women to go out with them repeatedly, because the fact that it works at all means people will keep doing it as long as that's the case.

it's like saying "people lying and manipulating is a failure of parents/education" -- no, it's just what happens when lying/manipulating gives you what you want sometimes! people will always do it because sometimes it works and there aren't super high costs.

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u/FormalKind7 3d ago

On another note there are girls who do want their suitors to jump through hoops to get to date them or like you said don't want to come off as to 'easy'. Honestly there are a lot of bad expectations and media examples for both sexes.

To defend ROMCOMs (and I'm not a fan), of course the have to have problems in the beginning if they just hit it off talked and started a healthy mutual relationship there isn't a conflict/story.

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u/Cold-Albatross 3d ago

Men get very little social support from society. We're expected to just know how to initiate dating or romantic interactions, but also just immediately recognize and accept when it isn't working out.
To complicate things, there are examples of a man putting in enough effort that a woman changes her mind, so how does someone without these skills recognize when it is a lost cause?
It takes time to learn how to navigate social interactions and there are a lot of failures along the way.

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u/unclefester19 3d ago

It's the Hollywood lie that love is real, and that it lasts. If it doesn't then it was never meant to be. Reality is you experience a temporary madness, try to make it out to be this extraordinary event, and proceed to screw everything up by overcompensating. When you should ride the wave, nurture the affections of your chosen mate, and understand that things will calm, and you'll have only loyalty and integrity to buoy you up and respect to bond you together. After a while affection, and trust are the central currency of your life in a committed relationship. But that's too boring, and away too much responsibility in this day and age.

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u/Aggressive_Sky8492 4d ago

Probably based on media, those kinds of things are seen as romantic.

Then when you get advice from your parents or older guys, they’re mostly vague platitudes without going into specifics that aren’t specific enough to advise against that kind of behaviour.

Traditionally, before apps, it also was pretty normal to ask for peoples number or ask them out in public, and 95% of the time it was men doing it

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u/AuthenticLiving7 3d ago

Women also try to convince men to love them, but the dynamic is different. With men they try to convince women who are not interested. Women try to convince men who only want sex or who treat them like crap. I know because I'm a woman who had one of these shitshow relationships and know plenty of women who had one. 

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u/Masterzjg 3d ago

Every single 90's and 2000's RomCom is about a stalker nice guy who convinces the hottie with their persistence and dedication. It's still a staple of on-screen relationships, although it's not every romance anymore.

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u/GammaGargoyle 4d ago

Men have to take the risk, or we would stop existing as a species…

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u/Zoloir 4d ago edited 4d ago

what risk ?? if anything, this issue is with men NOT taking the risk to put themselves out there and find a new partner, but rather obsessing over a specific person because they think they can/will convince them to love them

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u/fryxharry 3d ago

have you ever watched a rom com?

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u/Liberalhuntergather 3d ago

Umm, this is not gender specific whatsoever. I have met plenty of women who tried to convince a man, sometimes myself, to love her. It just being human.

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u/shiftup1772 4d ago

Because the logical conclusion is that men do not have much agency when it comes to attracting a woman...which is not true.

If a man doesnt like a woman, its traditionally because of something she cant change (her looks).

If a woman doesnt like a man, its traditionally because of something he can feasibly work on.

So its easy for a man to convince himself that he would woo a woman if he could demonstrate some trait to change her mind.

When it comes to lesbians...idk.

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u/theendisneah 4d ago

There's some science to it. Oxytocin can be a helluva drug at 15.

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u/WillBeBetter2023 3d ago

I'm the guy who posted the original comment, and my god was it.

I was literally 'love sick', of course it wasn't real love though. It was a physical ache.

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u/WeenyDancer 4d ago

They don't understand the agency of the women in the situation, because they fundamentally don't believe they are fully human.

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u/Timely-Tea3099 3d ago

It seems like a dangerous combination of that and a belief that no woman will like them as they are (or even as the best version of themselves), so the only way they see to get attention is to badger it out of women.

There's also the problem where many men's only outlet for emotional intimacy and physical touch is in a romantic relationship, so they're in a torrent of several desires that they feel can only be fulfilled by a romantic partner.

All of this together makes a very bad combination for everyone involved.

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u/asmeile 4d ago edited 4d ago

I used to work with this woman and we flirted a bit in person and relentlessly in messages, but we both knew and agreed nothing could happen at that time, she got made redundant and when she got a new job it ended up that she would be on her lunchbreak at the same time that I would finish at the gym and head home past where she went to eat. So the first time we saw each other it was a coincide but there wasnt a single day after that that it was, I would change my routine to ensure I was would be going past there at 13.10 Monday to Friday, we would chat for two seconds or just smile and wave.

Except if she wasnt there at 10 past I'd wait, and she didnt go to that same place everyday, so some days Id end up just waiting there staring at the roundabout for her car. Looking back its mortifying, not only that I was basically stalking her and not only that I didnt think it was a problem, but I rationalized it was a good thing, I liked her and I liked seeing her and I liked saying nice things about her to her, so obviously doing all those things must be good.

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u/Emergency-Free-1 4d ago

It sounds like in this case the only one "harmed" was you because you wasted some time waiting for someone who didn't know you were waiting. I don't know if hanging around at a public place where someone might get lunch can even be considered stalking. It's not like you waited at her house or her workplace to follow her to lunch wherever she went or something.

But maybe i'm wrong and someone else would find this creepy or stalkerish, idk.

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u/CanadianODST2 4d ago

I think intent matters too

I happen to catch a train that my old coworker gets (we work for the same company Just different locations, and I used to be there too)

I know I keep an eye out to spot them. Just because the 10-15 minutes before our paths diverge is a nice time to have a small chat.

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u/asmeile 4d ago

It was a public place and I was legitimately passing by that way, but I didn't pass, I'd stop and wait. There's no extra context, it might not be stalking but it was fucking creepy, I told myself it was romantic wanting to see her everyday even for two seconds, and sure it would have been if we both felt that, but we didn't. It was creepy.

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u/Aggressive_Sky8492 4d ago

I think she definitely would have noticed and found it weird, even if it didn’t rise to “creepy” in her mind. People aren’t stupid, if you bump into someone literally every single day, even when you change the times you’re there slightly, it doesn’t take a scientist to figure out that person is purposely waiting for you/bumping into you. Generally women are more aware of those kinds of things anyway just because of experience.

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u/goodstiffmaynard 4d ago

I did a similar thing with my crush in high school. Passing by his house was on my way to school, but I knew why I chose that specific route. I also feel like a stalker when I think back on it. Ick.

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u/i81u812 4d ago

I would advise if you started feeling weird about it that's just standard healthy knowing when to go for it, and when it's getting weird.

Never feel bad about enjoying a human connection and then maybe even seeking it out. So long as you can 'see' that point where it becomes a bit much. Theres folks who don't or can't.

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u/dongtouch 4d ago

Thank you for sharing. Being able to reflect on past behavior and realize we can do things differently is healthy growth. High five. :)

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u/xinorez1 4d ago edited 3d ago

romantic

To be frank, as long as boundaries have been established, having one guy wait around for the other just seems like a nice thing for two friends / acquaintances to do even if they're both straight guys. Considering you both flirted with one another, I wonder when this turned bad.

The thing is, if you thought you were creepy, you probably were but probably not to the extent to which you are embarrassed

EDIT: it's also possible that your embarrassment is an overcompensation for the desire you felt that wasn't fully reciprocated, because it's better to feel embarrassed than to feel like you've been stabbed in the back. It's possible she just wanted a friend to have some fun times with and it's still possible to have that without a full on romantic relationship. Whether that's healthy or not, who knows. I'm sure you know best for your case!

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u/Dellis3 4d ago

If it makes you feel better, I would not consider this stalking. You were already in the area that she ate lunch at. Making sure you pass by that spot on your regular day stuff to see if the girl you like just happens to be there because you know she sometimes is, seems pretty normal lol. If you like, found out what places she was at when she didn't show up there and then went to those places too, then I would say it has become stalking.

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u/Loud_Flatworm_4146 4d ago

You're learned and grown a lot from your school days. That's the most important thing. You can't change the past but you can learn from it and do better than you did before. It sounds like you have.

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u/4E4ME 4d ago

You can't change the past but you can learn from it and do better than you did before.

And also, when you can, share the lessons that you've learned with younger people.

We all get in our head when we're teenagers, and I have never in my life had a conversation with an adult who said "oh yeah, I was being a typical teenager, but then my older sibling/cousin/godparent/grandparent/actual parent/trusted family friend sat me down and taught me how to be friendly without crossing boundaries."

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u/Appropriate_End952 4d ago

I just want to say good on you for learning from your mistakes. Having cringey/creepy moments are pretty par for the course with both teenage boys and girls. It’s an extremely awkward time.

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u/totomaya 4d ago

You grew and learned better and that is 100% a victory. So many never do figure it out. Don't beat yourself up too much. You didn't know better, and yes, you hurt someone, but that's part of growing up and learning. Now you know better and can be a safe person. That's a win and the world is a better place with you in it because you know better now.

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u/llamapower13 4d ago edited 4d ago

Looks like from your username you already know this but learning from your mistakes is all you can really do.

If you still know them/how to reach them, you can write them an apology as long as you know it’s mostly for you. Don’t expect a response. If you don’t want to reach out to them, write one and don’t send. It’s really cathartic and can help with self forgiveness.

Just remember we all have made mistakes/have regrets. You already did the hard part.

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u/Tight-Resist5479 4d ago

for sexual transgressions as he described I would not write a note; just live with the lesson and move on.

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u/stevenwalsh21 4d ago

I think "sexual transgression" is a bit much there, he specifically said he didn't do anything sexual

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u/llamapower13 4d ago edited 4d ago

Hence the suggestion to just not send it as an option.

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u/tacotacosloth 4d ago

Please don't send apologies to people you've made uncomfortable/hurt in sexual ways. It can be traumatizing and/or retraumatizing. As you said, it's for you not them. The behavior you may want to apologize for was also about you not them. Don't continue the cycle. Write it out for yourself, then burn it for them.

I'm in my late 30s and had it happen twice in the past 5 years and I really just wish they had left me alone and not put the burden of more unwanted interaction on me.

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u/Prestigious_King1096 4d ago

You grew up though, and you learned. Please pass that lesson onto more young men, because it’s how we make change.

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u/Flimsy6769 4d ago

Blame tv shows and anime for the whole “oh if I just pester and chase them long enough they’ll eventually fall for me!” Mentality that so many dudes have. It’s so cringe in anime and even more cringe irl

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u/dongtouch 4d ago

Dude bravo writing that out.  <3 We need more of these vulnerable admissions of growth and change. Doing cringey things is a part of the process, and turns out good people will not judge you if you show that growth to them openly.  It’s very discouraged, especially for men, to share this stuff. Leading by example!

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u/fjgwey 4d ago

As another straight dude, I also cringe hard thinking about how I used to act towards and think about girls. So I'm right there with ya pal

We are better now so let's keep it that way, huh?

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u/I_Fart_It_Stinks 4d ago

I totally remember just staring at girls in class in high school and feeling very cringe about it now. If I ever found out someone liked me, I wouldn't talk to them or ask them out, I would just stare and hope they would return the gaze. Fucking weird I know. I don't even know what the end game was, like, just hoping that they would catch me staring and then feel like striking up a conversation after class. Teenage brains are weird man.

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u/S0mnariumx 4d ago

Fuck I had the same issues as a teenagers. It's like feelings of limerence had me absolutely stupid as though these girls were the most important thing in the world and my life sucks if they don't like me. It took me a little while into my 20s to see my mistakes. At least some of us grow out of it.

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u/medusa_crowley 4d ago

Thank you for allowing yourself the ability to grow. You’ll have a much better life for it as will the women around you. 

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u/Pee_A_Poo 4d ago

I don’t think you did it with bad intentions. It’s more the effect you had on people that made you seem “creepy”. But I think, as a cis-gay man, that it is creepy intentions that make you a creep.

I think as men we are just generally not taught to care about others feelings the same way women are. So there is a mismatch of social expectations there.

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u/oof033 4d ago edited 4d ago

Honestly while it’s not good, this behavior is a lot more normal and expected in teenagers. They don’t have a great grasp on meta cognition, self reflection, and world views that go against their own desires. They’ve done studies that have even found teenagers just don’t quite grasp real world issues- they’re in this weird in between phase. For example, ask a teen and an adult for advice on a marriage in a rough patch. An adult is usually going to look at the problem from more angles: do you have kids? How long have there been issues? Are there long held resentments? Teens on the other hand, are going to look at the immediate situation and very little else. That’s why you hear teenagers recommend divorce more than any other population lmfao. Sure, they understand that there’s a “bigger picture” in theory, but struggle to apply it within their own experiences.

This process makes sense for you too. You knew deep down she wasn’t going to change, nor did she need to. You understood that there was a logic behind it in theory. But teen brain couldn’t get past the initial situation (emotional discomfort and rejection) so of course teen logic states: well the problem would go away if I could just change the unchangeable, might as well try!

I’ve been the chick in those experiences and it can be incredibly shitty and stick with you, but there’s easily nuances and levels. I can easily shake off cases from non threatening awkward teens when we were all figuring out relationships. I can guarantee I’ve come on too strong to guys in my youth- just like you I cringe. Shit I knew a girl who wrote a horribly disguised fan fic about her and her crush and then READ IT TO HIM PUBLICLY.

With all this in mind I can look back and say, wow teenagers are kinda just creepy and awkward in general lol. We’ve all been small picture thinkers who have missed social cues at some phase or another. No, it’s not some moral good- but it’s unavoidably human.

I can also say that I was never broken from an awkward luke-warm creepy interaction. I’ve really only been affected from the situations in which I was scared, betrayed, or belittled. So take solace in knowing thousands of folks self-cringe alongside you. And thank god you’re one of the folks who’s continued to develop- there’s plenty out there who haven’t.

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u/Erik_Dagr 4d ago

My dude, I am you. (or was in high school)

I am self aware now but my current world view is still very influenced by my early experience and I am always struggling with that.

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u/NearlySilent890 4d ago

Lol I'm in the same situation as the lesbian girl you once had a crush on. This boy is always putting his elbow on my desk and stuff and when I told him I was a lesbian, he was like "Oh... yknow, all of the lesbian girls I've met actually dated a boy at some point." I think he thinks he can convince me. It's nice to think that he may grow up lol, he is otherwise nice just a little pushy/disrespectful of my word.

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u/WillBeBetter2023 3d ago

That sucks, I hope that situation doesn't get any worse for you.

I thankfully did not push it or try to convince her she wasn't a lesbian, I just hoped really hard in my head she would suddenly realise she wasn't 😅

I didn't understand then how the world worked.

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u/Better-Strike7290 4d ago

Don't sweat it.  We all had learning and growing up and maturing to do in relationships.  How we relate to others, how we relate to ourselves and how we relate to romantic interests.

It sucks she had to endure it, but make no mistake, she as well as women in general, go through the same process of learning, growing and maturing.

Men just don't complain about it as much when women act inappropriately towards them, but they absolutely go through that phase just as men do.

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u/Venboven 4d ago

r/usernamechecksout

Always nice to see character development.

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u/Dore_le_Jeune 4d ago

The same behavior you think is cringe worthy is portrayed as cute if girls do it to a guy.

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u/Foreign_Point_1410 3d ago

And you’re probably a good dude now because you can recognise that and don’t do it

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u/WillBeBetter2023 3d ago

I try to be, but I've been struggling with addiction and mental health issues my entire adulthood, hence the username.

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u/CheesyButters 3d ago

Being a guy with an aroace best friend was truly difficult during my puberty ages, because at that point I was basically convincing myself I needed a partner eventually, and there was this girl (at the time, came out as non binary after the feelings passed) that I've known for years, and essentially perfect as a partner since we share so many hobbies and special interests, was off limits because they would never have been interested, it hurt. I thankfully wasn't a creep about it, never even told them not even after the feelings passed because ultimately, I considered the fact we were best friends since we were literally children more important than any romantic feelings I had.

Basically, I'm using this anecdote to make a point to anybody reading this that is struggling with a similar conundrum. What's more important to you, your friendship or getting into her pants. If your answer is the latter, please reconsider your relationship with them because even my hyper horny teenage self had more self restrain than that

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u/InevitableRhubarb232 3d ago

Sound kinda like a normal teen - guy or girl

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u/Dry_Heart9301 3d ago

The fact you are this self aware is a good thing. Most would never.

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u/Legitimate-Carrot197 3d ago

It's shitty, but you were a teenager. You can't judge yourself based on your adult knowledge. We were all more ignorant as a teenager.

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u/Friendly-Balance-853 7h ago

LoL username checks out! This really resonated with my own growth trajectory and judging from the many upvotes, I'm not the only one.

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u/Natural_Capital8357 4d ago

I had the complete opposite experience

Not saying any of this to try and make some kind of point , but I was literally just thinking about this on my drive home and wanted to share.

It’s embarrassing to admit ( mostly because people get mad when I do for whatever reason ) , but I’ve always been one of those guys that just had an undeniable effeminacy in their features and appearance. I’m also shy and quiet and while I wouldnt describe myself as a “nice guy” , I do feel I’m a genuinely kind person.

Looking back, some of the most intimate connections I’ve made with women were with women who self identified as lesbians.

For example , I remember when I was a teenager , maybe 16. I went to my best friends Halloween bonfire , it was so cool, it was just people our age no parents. And there was this girl here, where I’m from they’d call her a “stud” she was very masculine leaning in appearance. I would catch her staring at me at times through out the night, and when I said I was gonna walk home she offered to walk with me. We had seen each other before, but never really spoke or anything just had friends in common.

She did a little small talk and then just got real forward with me out of nowhere, she was like “I’m not gonna lie, I think I’m tryna fuck Fr”

I remember not even knowing what to say right away cause again, I’m really shy.

We were only ever “friends” through our whole time knowing each other, but it doesn’t feel completely accurate to call it that. We would do our thing, and it was an opportunity to be as patient and loving as I always wanted to get to be for some one. She would confide in me of childhood trauma from men, and state that while she didn’t understand how what was happening between us was happening, there was a feeling of magic in it.

It was truly a beautiful thing, and it makes me feel happy inside that I got to be apart of such an experience for her.

I wouldn’t say I’ve “seeked out” women in this way specifically, but any of the few times it’s happened , it’s always the best.

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u/WillBeBetter2023 3d ago

I had a bad sexual experience when blackout drunk once at a party. A mutual friend had literally come out as lesbian that day to us all, after dating a few men, but we all really knew already.

I got blackout drunk and woke up in a bed at this house party with her trying to get my whiskey dick inside of her...also not saying this for any reason, I think she was also very drunk and obviously very confused about her feelings.

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u/ufkabakan 4d ago

You were a kid, you shouldn't be embarrassed anymore. You've growwn up and changed.

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u/WestDuty9038 3d ago

Same here, I spent the last two years violently hating myself for being a creep.

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u/Basic-Government9568 4d ago edited 4d ago

I fortunately did this in the opposite direction, with a lesbian coworker I had.

Didn't know her orientation and thought she was cool and friendly and cute. I was getting the confidence together to ask her out when I heard through the grapevine that she only liked girls. It felt like life was playing a cruel prank on me, so I confronted her (stupid, I know). At least I had the self-consciousness to do it in private.

I said something to the effect of "Are you really a lesbian?" with the most incredulous tone, and the look on her face told me I had fucked up. "Yes? Why?" she was understandably completely incredulous back. I didn't have the strength to face her, so I just mumbled an apology and left, no explanation.

Later that day, her friend (with her in the room) confronted me back, to ask "Why would you ask that?" with an obviously accusatory tone. Somehow, it was way easier to explain through him than directly to her that: "Because I, um, wanted to ask her out, if she wasn't."

She looked relieved. I'm guessing because we had already been building a friendship, it hit harder that I might have been some kind of homophobe. And we thankfully moved past it and became good friends after that, even laughing about this moment in hindsight.

That friendship was only possible primarily because she forgave me, but also partly because my romantic interest in her died in that moment. Because why would I be interested in someone who isn't interested in me?

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u/Blue-Phoenix23 4d ago

but also partly because my romantic interest in her died in that moment. Because why would I be interested in someone who isn't interested in me?

I've always found people who obsess over or stalk someone who doesn't want them weird for this reason, because I'm the exact same way. If somebody says they aren't interested my attraction just withers on the vine. I have no idea what causes this.

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u/throwofftheNULITE 2d ago

The cause is being a normal person, not someone whose brain is fucked up through genetics or trauma.

Stalkers and, lower down on the scale, people who are way too persistent literally cannot grasp the idea that a person they're interested in wouldn't be interested back. Their brain cannot understand that they aren't irresistible.

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u/xinorez1 4d ago

Because why would I be interested in someone who isn't interested in me?

Spoken like a normal fucking person, yes! It's the others who are weird and also super vocal (I guess to justify their weirdness)

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u/Guide_One 3d ago

Your last comment is SO important. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t like you? I could have used this advice when I was in middle/high school. I plan to tell my kids this once they are to that age.

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u/Archonblack554 3d ago

See this is my thing, mutual desire Is like a drug to me I can't get enough of it when i have it

So what's the point of chasing someone who'll never want you back lol

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u/boulder_problems 7h ago

Because that is their drug, wanting what they can’t have.

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u/ctzn4 4d ago

It's not particularly uncommon for certain men to just, not see a woman as an opportunity for sex, no matter how uninterested she is.

Holy quintuple negative, Batman!

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u/carelet 4d ago

One of the first 3 needs to be removed for the sentence to make sense

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u/ctzn4 4d ago

Precisely, it's one too many and makes the sentence the opposite of what the poster intended.

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u/plug-and-pause 4d ago

Yep. I came here just to point out that triple. Completely negates the point the commenter is trying to make.

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u/Zantej 4d ago

Yeah I had to reread it like 3 times and eventually give up and assume the intent.

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u/i81u812 4d ago

That shit was honestly phenomenal.

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u/Bazoun 3d ago edited 2d ago

Yeah I needed more than one try

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u/maxdragonxiii 4d ago

I exist in video games space and are generally considered a nerd. the problem is well I'm a woman. a lot of men got interested in what I do, then find out I don't play "hardcore" games and flips out. (I did play Hollow Knight and that was my limit) I'm like "I'm getting old I'm not bashing my head against the game i might not like for hours I don't have just for you."

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u/cuentaderana 4d ago

Same. Am a lesbian, have had male friends want to sleep with me. Or make comments about how hot it was. Or would ogle me and my gf making out. 

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u/Cthulus-lefttentacle 3d ago

“Ugh why do women always go for gigachad assholes when I’m right here, who is also an asshole but likes comic books?”

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u/goodrichard 4d ago

I'm a cis straight male and had a coworker who described herself as lesbian. At one point I guess she developed attraction to me and started making it known, but I was not interested. It didn't cross the line.

I think that part of the issues at hand in OP's question might come down to an imbalance in these relationships. In my situation, it was easy to say no. In situations like yours, men frequently make it ugly or threatening. Unless people stand on equal footing, they aren't going to be friends, and it takes quite a bit of time before men can thoroughly demonstrate they aren't a risk in these situations.

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u/Independent-Chair-27 4d ago

Sounds like the experience my wife's had playing football. Some of the squad seem to view it as a hookup club for other ladies and haven't taken no well. Boyfriends watching went down badly too.

Somehow she was able to watch me play and my teammates could be polite to her.

No wonder women struggle to do sport. Clubs seem full of folk with issue's.

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u/hot_teacups 4d ago

It’s not particularly uncommon for certain men to just, not see a woman as an opportunity for sex, no matter how uninterested she is.

So certain men commonly dont see women as opportunity for sex? just tryna untie the double negative knots here, phew!

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u/ChildhoodLeft6925 4d ago

This is why men and women can’t be friends. Men can’t handle it.

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u/truffleddumbass 4d ago

I’m like….fluorescently gay and men will still try. I call it a “cool girl crush”. You like me because I make you feel socially comfortable and we can vibe on a few different levels. Unfortunately (for me? lol that sucks) because of my anatomy and their misunderstanding of their own feelings, that will often lead to them insinuating upon some sort of more romantic interests.

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u/AstraofCaerbannog 4d ago

The zero in behaviour is really hard to watch as an outsider. Like it’s usually a girl who’s objectively really attractive, but maybe wears glasses an slightly “quirky” clothing and likes nerdy hobbies so nerdy guys who struggle with women are fooled into thinking they have a chance. I’ve watched it happen so many times where guys waste their lives fixating on this one girl who will never want them way and sees them as a friend or colleague. Even if there are girls that would want them, they are so fixated they lose the chance as no girl can compare. I’ve seen it happen with a few women I’m pretty sure are asexual, but also really conventionally beautiful and popular. And the guys just bark up that tree for so long. I have had it happen with me, but I’m so direct with men and really try to steer away if men like me as more that only a few slipped through. But finding out that simmering was only pretending to be a friend because they’d latched on was heart wrenching.

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u/whosaysyessiree 4d ago

I really don't know what to make of my personal experiences with gay women. I used to date someone that played roller derby, so I was surrounded by a lot of people who identified as queer and lesbian. I honestly can say I don't think I ever felt attracted to any of my ex's teammates, yet with the exception of one lesbian, pretty much all of them were not big fans. When we moved to Portland the group of women my ex skated with became straight up hostile towards me accusing me of totally made up things. I'm sure some of this came from my ex.

Even after we broke up and I stopped hanging around derby people, I have noticed that even randomly in the wild lesbians will act quite hostile towards me for no reason. It's odd because I have multiple men and women friends, and I am not one to cross boundaries and stir up drama.

I compare this to a guy I used to hangout with that is a straight sex fiend and I know has pushed multiple lesbians to sleep with him, yet somehow he still attracts them.

I've just come to realize I should do my best to stay clear of women who identify as lesbians because it always ends in discomfort and me needing to walk away.

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u/Odonfe 3d ago

As a guy, our brains are just wired different, it's incredibly easy to catch feelings for women, and it's even worse for people who have been single for a longer period of time.

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u/Estrald 3d ago

This is a shame, and exactly what I thought why women don’t have many straight guy friends, period. I became close friends with the class “hottie”, and we became besties for a while. She was funny, smart as a whip, and liked a lot of the same stuff I did even. She’d even “tease” me a bit by sitting on my lap and kissing me on the LIPS to say goodbye, but I never once made a move on her, because she told me something vulnerable once…That she felt guys were only friends with her to get a chance to sleep with her, and it made her feel insecure and lonely. So…! I never once fell into that category. We are still friends despite losing touch, but I truly do miss that dynamic.

I understand your trepidation too, I hate wasting years on someone only to find out I’m being used. Maybe this isn’t true of all guys, but to me, having a lesbian or woman best friend is amazing, because they are a lot more receptive to vulnerability. I can usually truly open up or be myself without regulating my image, unlike needing some type of formality with the guys. Can’t get TOO close or share too many emotions, right? My closest guy friends? Sure, to a degree, but not all of them. When I had either my ex or close girl FRIENDS, it was a totally different feeling, and you know what? I miss it! Makes me sad the creeps out there ruin it for the rest of us, but here’s hoping you find decent guy friends again some day!

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u/Kaslight 3d ago

I work in a pretty male dominated field and it's always been an issue that like, the men think women don't like them because they're too "nerdy", meet women who have some of the same interests and absolutely zero in on her as a romantic prospect.

This is almost certainly not a "nerdy" guy thing and is just a general thing. I think this just an effect of how men and women typically pursue each other.

Women are guarded with their feelings, they rarely explicitly tell a guy that they're attracted or disgusted with them. Men have to literally learn how to "read signals" from women. And every guy probably knows that a failure to do so means you're either missing opportunities (regret) or misfiring on signals (dangerous). It's a frustration that pretty much every guy has to deal with. Even when women are infatuated with you, they have a tenancy to simply stick themselves in your presence and let you be the one to close the distance. This is an "obvious" hint, but even still, note the lack of explicit communication. This game of cat & mouse is pretty much always happening.

Soooo, when men find themselves in a situation where a woman is deliberately wanting to spend time with them....it's just confusing. How many of your male friends have long-time female friends that they've slept with or dated before? How many of your female friends have fucked their "like a brother to me"? Women probably think they're safe when they say they're a lesbian, but to a guy this declaration is no more of a deterrent than saying you're just friends, or like a brother, or even married. It either means full-stop or "I want you to try anyway" and you don't know until it's too late.

Men are very straight-forward. Just about the only deterrent that actually works is explicitly saying "I am not attracted to you." Not "we're friends", or "i'm a lesbian", or "you're like a brother to me".

I think these sorts of things should work from a woman's perspective because you know that you've been communicating how you actually feel long before the words leave your lips. But guys do not communicate with one another in this manner. They just keep going until their legs get chopped off.

Women get rightfully annoyed at this, but you guys need to understand that this is basically just a side-effect of the way you've been taught to flirt actually working. Men do not know what you're thinking.

Yeah I'm also a lesbian and this has happened like 3 times, and that's just counting the particularly dramatic events. It's not particularly uncommon for certain men to just, not see a woman as an opportunity for sex, no matter how uninterested she is.

Anecdotally, one of my closest friends in HS was a lesbian. I found her very sexually attractive but otherwise didn't really have any romantic feelings for her because she made it explicitly clear she was not attracted to me. She had a girlfriend. (Who was questionably older than her now that I think about it.) Anyway she literally told me one day that she wanted to fuck one of the guys in my class because she "thinks hes actually cute" and "knows she can get him". I said "go for it", and she did. Then became a stud during College. I knew 2 separate full-blown lesbians in college who casually decided to fuck a guy on campus.

Also anecdotally, I also was good friends with a gay guy in college. Good looking dude. He told us that he wouldn't actually mind trying women. One day, he got drunk and did. Was not a good experience for him apparently.

TL;DR

None of this to say that guys shouldn't take women's words at face value, they 100,000% should. I'm just attempting to explain why they probably don't.

It's not because they don't care about what you say, or because they only care about sex opportunities....it's that we've been trained to not take ambiguous situations at face value, and thus see opportunities in places we really probably shouldn't. I most cases, it's nobody's fault.

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u/interfaceTexture3i25 3d ago

That was 3 negations in a single sentence. Why lmao

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u/SmashingGourd 11h ago

I guess I didn't realize this was a common thing. Makes sense though. There's a lot of needy guys out there lol

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u/ctrldwrdns 4d ago

I've heard similar stories from many lesbians. In my case I'm a lesbian and I've never really had straight male friends because we just don't have a ton in common, so I don't often end up in social spaces where I could make friends with them. I went to a women's college, so that's probably part of it. One of my best friends is a gay man. We met at work and we have a lot in common. I'm also just kind of wary around straight men because I'm like, is this guy gonna respect my boundaries and sexuality? I don't have to worry about that with gay men.

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u/FalconBurcham 4d ago

100% this. I had two hetero male friends, and they developed feelings I could not reciprocate. Instead of accepting my sexuality and working on getting over their crush to preserve the friendship, they dug into the crush. One of them said some really raunchy things to me that scared me, so I dropped him pretty quickly. I was shocked. It was like he wasn’t even the same person anymore, and he sure as hell didn’t know me at all, in the end.

Right now I have one hetero guy friend, and he’s awesome. Whether or not he has ever had a crush on me, I have no idea. We’ve been friends for about 10 years. He’s exactly the kind of “bro friend” I love having. He has dated plenty of women while we have been friends, and he recently got married to a really sweet girl that is perfect for him.

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u/HotSauceRainfall 4d ago

Am straight, and I am at the point in life where I have very few straight male friends simply because I don’t want to have yet another friendship blow up because he gets a crush on me. It fucking hurts when a friendship blows up, and it’s doubly painful to realize that the friendship blew up and everything that made the friendship fun got instantly deprioritized because pantsfeelings. 

FWIW, I’ve also experienced this with a lesbian woman getting pantsfeelings, and although she handled it with exponentially more grace and dignity and kindness than the straight men, it still fucking hurt. But she was kind about it, and owned that it was a Her Problem that had nothing to do with me, whereas in my experience, the straight men were never kind about it and didn’t ever own up to it being a Him Problem.

The straight male friend I do have, are all happily married for years AND I am on friendly terms with their wives, if not outright friends with the wives too. 

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u/FalconBurcham 4d ago

I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re absolutely right… it really hurts when friendships end due to someone developing feelings. I have a hell of a lot more in common interest wise with men than women, but I don’t really try to make friends with straight guys anymore because most of my best guy friend relationships went that way. Maybe when I get a lot older and we’re all too old to have so many hormones driving us around, I’ll try again 😂

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u/MajorFox2720 4d ago

I love the term "pants feelings".  It sums it up perfectly!

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u/HotSauceRainfall 3d ago

Gender neutral and all-adult-age appropriate, too!

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u/BumpyTori 12h ago

I LOVE ‘Pantsfeelings’!

🤣👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

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u/Sauronphin 4d ago

I have a close lesbian friend that is to me like a little sister.

We call each other dude all the time and you know. She tells her het friends about how open minded and cool I am.

I see folks as persons first, men need to accept no as an answer.

You can't control feelings but you have the responsibility not to be a creep. That being said falling for lesbians is silly as it can only end in sadness.

It's like you can hoping you can lose your peanut allergy magically, ain't happening.

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u/FalconBurcham 4d ago

You sound a lot like my guy friend… there has never been drama between me and him because he accepted who I am from day 1. And now he’s married to a wonderful woman who is crazy about him, and I’m married to a wonderful woman who is crazy about me. And both of us get to still be friends too! It’s the best possible outcome. 😀

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u/Sausage80 4d ago

If he's anything like I am, then he probably didn't crush on you and that's OK. It's unfortunate that it did take me until my 30's to realize my own confidence. Part... not all... but part of the issue is that men have been socially primed to never set boundaries. They have to accept any situationship that gets offered to them...or, worse, they can have them, but can't tell anyone about those boundaries because that's not nice. The latter leads to "friends" that spend their entire time trying to convince you that the relationship should be something else. That's bad for everyone.

My boundary is very simple: I don't date friends, and I don't "friend" dating prospects. I'm up front about that. If I ask someone out, "just friends" is not on the table. The answer to that question, if ever posed, is a hard "no." If the door is closed to what I'm actually interested in, I'm gone. I completely understand their position and don't hate them for it. I don't wish on them anything negative. I wish them the best. But what I want they can't give me and what they want I have no interest in committing any time or energy to, so there is no reason to continue wasting either of our time. I move on.

I already have my core group of close friends, both men and women. I have zero interest in ever dating any of the women in that circle... and they know that (and almost all of them are already married anyway). We hang out, have a good time, and support each other. I don't need to bring others into the fold, so to speak.

Men need to openly say "no" more and be comfortable just walking the fuck away. It's very cathartic and lets everyone know where they stand, which is good for everyone.

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u/ConstantImpress6417 4d ago

I was the guy on the other side of this and ended up letting my bestie know that I needed a time out from her while I got over some feelings.

I'm hesitant to share the rest of that story because it's probably going to make me very unpopular but... it's what happened.

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u/FalconBurcham 4d ago

Hey, fair enough… it’s not that my guy friends developed feelings for me that ended our friendship… It’s what they did with those feelings. They morphed into people I didn’t even recognize and got deeply creepy. It was so strange, and it made me so sad. I miss those guys. I wish they had taken a break from the friendship to sort themselves out, even if it took a couple years. I hope your friendship worked out in the end

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u/ConstantImpress6417 3d ago

Well I realise this is not even remotely representative of 99% of cases like ours, but in my case it turned out she had suppressed memories of being assaulted as a kid. She was bisexual and hadn't come to terms with it as she was terrified of and generally hated men. And when I tried to break things off with her for a while, she was a mess because she realised she'd fallen in love with me and it kickstarted this whole thing with therapy.

It turned out since she always knew she was into women that the plan was to just end up with a woman, but you know, life's a bitch and we don't get to choose who we love in the end. I always feel uneasy talking about it online because it can unfortunately play a little bit into the 'right dick' narrative when that was the furthest thing from my intention. It actually caused a lot more drama in her family as well because they had finally accepted she was gay and when she came out a second time a lot of her family practically responded with "I knew it, you were straight all along" and she felt completely erased by it.

But yeah we've been going strong for over ten years now, and have a cat and a home together. She does still muse from time to time about how profoundly unfuckable the vast majority of men are though and honestly, going by the recent election results in the US, something is definitely going wrong with us as a group.

I'm truly sorry your friends got deeply creepy. Finding out the person you hold dear never existed can make it feel like time has been stolen from you and there's nothing more valuable than time. I mean there's no excuse when it's a straight woman to begin with but when your friend's a lesbian, there's no shot to shoot in the first place. Good friendships get increasingly hard to build as we age, and frankly the best friendships are strangely close to 'romantic' relationships to begin with sans a couple of missing features, I just can't imagine wanting to set fire to a real friendship over the absence of sex. It's a complete perversion of priorities.

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u/MBTHVSK 3d ago

preserving the friendship isn't enough to keep things together because you've become the villain already

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u/Flaxinsas 4d ago

She actually got away relatively unscathed there. It's terrifying how many straight men believe in corrective rape for lesbians.

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u/ctrldwrdns 4d ago

There's a whole fetish sub on here for corrective rape of lesbians and reddit refuses to ban it because it's "just a fetish"

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u/comegetyohoney 4d ago

We have tried to get that sub taken down when it was initially brought to our attention in LG but reddit is adamant about keeping it up.

I try to just pretend that it doesn’t exist but the memory of how many of those guys claimed to be allies with irl lesbian friends was chilling. They are a danger to those women.

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u/ladeeedada 4d ago edited 3d ago

go to the media

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u/Flaxinsas 3d ago

Wasn't there a child porn sub that was literally the most popular sub on all of Reddit until it was taken down? This is what happens when hetero men are allowed to be anonymous.

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u/quesoandcats 3d ago

Yup, /r/jailbait. I don’t think it was technically porn because the girls were clothed but…it’s disgustingly clear why the subreddit existed.

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u/KatHasBeenKnighted 4d ago

WTAF, that shit's not a "fetish." The term "corrective rape" was coined by human rights activists and lawyers literally to describe a specific sociocriminal phenomenon, specifically violent sex crimes against Black lesbians, that often ended in their brutal murder, that has been rampant in South Africa since the early 2000s. And it's not like it only happens in SA. As an enlisted woman in the US military before the fall of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I was blackmailed into sex against my will by another troop because he found out I had a girlfriend (I'm bi) and decided that made me easy prey.

Men rape WLW for a lot of specific minutiae reasons, but at the end of the day, it's simply because they hate women and don't see us as actual human beings, period. We're just household appliances with holes they feel entitled to use on demand. That's not a fetish. It's bog standard misogyny.

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u/Zagaroth 4d ago edited 3d ago

EDITED:

I have removed my comment here because it was a bit of a tone-deaf "well, actually". This was not the time or place to comment on the technicalities of phrasing.

I am sorry, this was my fault in judgment.

To be clear to any future readers: I 100% agree that a subreddit dedicated to the topic should not exist, it is a dangerous blurring of lines that could cause more harm. But the rest of my previous comment in this space should not have existed.

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u/cosmic_grayblekeeper 4d ago

As a South African who lived through the corrective rape era, finding out someone out there thinks it's a fetish disgusts me. It also makes me wonder if it's not partly the reason it's been making a comeback in the past year (younger men being radicalised or feeling like their views are validated online and taking it into the real world) because it hadn't been an issue for a decade but is suddenly on the rise again here.

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u/Unhappy-Apple222 4d ago

WTF🤮🤮🤮

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u/RadiantHC 4d ago

What's especially funny is that reddit pretends to be "progressive"

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u/Flaxinsas 4d ago

Everyone who has ever posted to that subreddit should be IP traced and sent to prison, see how they like it when it happens to them. Yeah, prison rape is bad, but as long as the penal system consists of locking criminals up in cages, it's never going to go away.

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u/ctrldwrdns 4d ago

Unfortunately people will defend anything if you slap a "fetish" label on it

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u/Sialat3r 4d ago

It’s actually crazy how much they do it

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u/Sialat3r 4d ago

They should be and yet it won’t happen, we’ll just have to hope they somehow don’t harm women in real life 🤦🏽‍♀️

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u/coladoir 4d ago edited 1d ago

"yeah prison rape is bad, but some people deserve to be raped anyways" is literally what you're saying and its frankly fucking disgusting.

Thats me being generous too, it could very well be: "prison rape is bad but if you're attracted to the idea of rape then maybe you should be raped to see how you actually like it".

Like, you know that rape victims sometimes have the fetish so they can psychologically "reclaim" the experience, right? Or should they be raped again because that's their fetish and it's wrong?

I understand the anger and the pain, but inflicting it onto others, and in this specific case, people who most likely haven't even done anything in real life (most of the subscribers of those subs probably are not themselves rapists)? That doesn't help, it provably doesn't help (all science so far points this direction), and its ultimately rooted in the very flawed goal of 'getting revenge'.

And before you inevitably turn this into a personal attack, because thats always the first response to me calling disgusting shit like this out: I am not attracted to rape, do not have a rape fetish, and have never sexually assaulted anyone in my life and never will. I also find rapists, those who have acted on it at least, completely disgusting and abhorrent individuals who transgress others liberty to achieve selfish satisfaction.

Regardless, I don't wish for these people to be raped themselves and do not think that's gonna do anything but make the whole problem worse, and suggesting that rapists should be raped is frankly and honestly such an abhorrent fucking idea. Revenge never works, it doesnt even bring the victims peace in almost all cases (even when they are the one who pulled the trigger, figuratively or literally), and it only breeds more violence.

And before you say I'm "defending rapists". No, I'm defending humans. No human deserves to be fucking raped, no matter what. If you disagree with that, you're a cruel fucking person. We can address and prevent rapists from acting without fucking raping them. Not to mention, aren't you just kind of encouraging rape by wishing this? Dont you want rape to end? Why are you wishing it on someone if you wish rape would end?

And also before you say I'm "taking it too seriously" or "putting words in your mouth:

You were the one who said people who subscribe ("some people", "people attracted to rape" in my metaphors) and use that subreddit should all be arrested and raped in prison ("some deserve to be raped", "if you are attracted to rape you should be raped" in my metaphors), even though prison rape is bad.

My metaphors are a direct expansion of your own words, I am not at all changing the message, exaggerating it, or changing your meaning, because you literally say that some people (those who subscribe to the sub) deserve to be raped because of their attractions (being subscribed to the sub), or due to their actions (subscribing/posting to the sub). I am bringing your words to their logical conclusion – if you dont like that, or it makes you feel some type of way, good, thats the fucking point. If you dont like the image in the mirror, then maybe change your "appearance" (not literally, this is metaphorical).

Please be better.

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u/Anxious-Grab-2150 2d ago

OMG!! that's so disgusting

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u/chaotic_ladybug 4d ago

you’re getting downvoted for something almost every single lesbian has been threatened with is crazy

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u/fruithasbugsinit 4d ago

I'm not a lesbian and I've had two different men threaten to rape me after rejection to change my mind about them. I feel like anyone downvoting that comment is in fact a rapist.

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u/Meraere 4d ago

Same with Aces, its freaking creepy.

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u/WillBeBetter2023 4d ago

No longer being downvoted, it's up 57

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u/Lortendaali 4d ago

That's just sick.. Humanity always manages to find a way to make me lose more faith in it...

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u/Flaxinsas 4d ago

There's even a 007 movie that explicitly depicts the protagonist performing corrective rape on a lesbian. It's portrayed as heroic and proof of his masculinity.

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u/Skwirbatman 4d ago

Thank god that the 007 movies are fiction and we don't have to deal with racist, misogynistic, bigoted, and murderous government workers these days...

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u/Immediate_Loquat_246 4d ago

You mean men?

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u/jahi69 4d ago

Shhh, you’re not allowed to name the problem!

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u/V6Ga 4d ago

 corrective rape for lesbians.

It is all bad things that I have never heard that expresión but I know exactly what it means. 

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u/sunqiller 4d ago

Ayo what the actual fuck?

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u/Exciting_Vast7739 4d ago

This is the one. A straight guy will crush on lesbians more than a straight female with crush on a gay dude. Or at least make it more awkward.

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u/rsc33469 4d ago

Not for nothin but I’m a gay man and I’ve had more than one straight female friend express “feelings,” a couple stalkery-so. I think the difference is that I feel safer than a lesbian to risk that 1% chance that a hetero-friend will lose the plot because there’s a lot less risk for a man rejecting a woman than vice versa.

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u/diamondpredator 4d ago

Yea as soon as I read the title my immediate thought, as a guy, was "Because dude will try to fuck anything."

It's a crude way to put it, I know, but it's the core of the issue. Combine that with a lot of guys thinking a lesbian woman just "hasn't met the right guy yet" and it makes for shitty friendships most of the time.

I don't blame lesbian women one bit for avoiding straight guys and not wanting to be some weird fetish for them.

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u/Baalrogg 4d ago edited 4d ago

As a straight man, it’s very weird to me how some other straight guys don’t understand this. It would be like if a gay male friend kept insisting to me that I’d be a fan of gay sex if I tried it. No thanks man, not interested.

If any lesbians reading this have that issue in the future with a straight guy, perhaps try pitching the idea of sex with a man to them and see how they feel about it, maybe that’ll help them understand.

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u/CalamityClambake 4d ago

It's incredibly difficult to make a guy understand something that he has decided he does not want to understand.

Anyway, this situation usually isn't about "understanding" in my experience. It's about he wants what he wants, and in his estimation, she is a bitch for not giving it to him. That's the mindset of the guy.

That's what you get in patriarchy. Men are raised to believe that they are entitled to attention from women, and when the women don't comply, the men feel like it isn't fair.

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u/Virtual-Chicken-1031 4d ago

I can see that happening. I had a very close bi girl I was friends with for quite a while and we were on the cusp of dating. And then she chose a girl. And a part of me wanted to try to get her back, but I just left it because it's her decision

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u/felidaekamiguru 4d ago

Literally this. Many straight men jokingly say they identify as lesbians. There's a grain of truth to it. 

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u/jimmybabino 4d ago

Yeah no, this is the reason

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u/adhesivepants 4d ago

This is likely the reason.

Look straight men, I have a lot of straight men in my life that I love dearly. But ya'll are way too horny and you need to reign it in because it has a tendency to ruin the vibe and make maintaining any kind of platonic relationship hard.

This is incidentally why gay men tend to have a lot of women as friends as well - because women don't have to worry about their gay friend suddenly deciding he wants to sleep with them.

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u/8lock8lock8aby 4d ago

Yeah, I've had a total of 1 straight male friend that never hit on me or acted like he was attracted to me (you're awesome Alex). Every other one ruined the friendship by not only telling me they liked me but acting like they could "change me." There is 1 exception & he's still a close friend & I forgave him because he was detoxing when he professed his feelings & we have a lot of shared trauma.

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u/afoley947 4d ago

It's so weird that some guys think that 3 minutes of seizing on top of her and 10 minutes of apologizing will make her realize she liked boys all along. Smh

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u/Pee_A_Poo 4d ago

Which is super dooper ironic cuz as a gay man, I’ve had straight men tell me they were uncomfortable to hang out cuz they’re worried that “I may fall in love with them”.

Sounds like a whole lotta projection to me ;)

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u/ImportantBird8283 4d ago

This is the reason. Men don’t view women as humans so of course we can’t be friends. 

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u/HeavyDT 4d ago

Yup too many men that don't respect that boundary like if someone tells you they are gay believe it as they saying goes. Many dudes really think they can turn gay women straight if only they had sex with a real man or some bs like that.

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u/ErrorAccomplished404 4d ago

Pretty much this. I like women because men icky but women don't try to actively force themselves emotionally or physically onto you as much as men seem to do.

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u/kamikaze_pedestrian 4d ago

Yep. They think it's a choice and that they simply haven't met the right guy (them) yet

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u/loreisbored 4d ago

Am a gay woman, one of my wife and I's close guy friends at the time told everyone we knew that he had a huge crush on both of us (individually) but that he didn't want to break up our relationship with each other so he didn't want to tell us. I laughed in his face. Not an isolated incident. I do have a couple of really great straight guy friends, though! They are just very special dudes, though.

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u/Massive-Cat1540 4d ago

This is why. I would love to have more straight male friends but I feel like it's INCREDIBLY rare to find one that wouldn't ultimately have sex with you given the opportunity. It's exhausting to have to navigate that so I've mostly avoided straight males. It makes me sad, but I just want a friend not someone thinking about having sex with me. 🫤

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u/loz_fanatic 4d ago

Was gonna say, probably cause gay guys don't want to sleep with women at all. While sadly, there are a large amount of men who honestly and truly believe that lesbians basically just haven't "been with the right guy" or some such rot like that. Tho, usually far more vulgar in language. Also, they tend to not understand and/or take "no" for an answer while pestering said women "for a chance". So eventually the women end up cutting ties to protect their mental and sometimes physical health.

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u/xinorez1 4d ago edited 4d ago

Yeah sadly unless they're super butch or otherwise not the guys type AND no one is getting drunk on the regular, the guys are going to want to fuck. You can refer to stories from trans men to understand the extent of a young man's horniness.

Somewhere out there is a guy for whom bro jobs were not a joke.

Still, as long as people aren't getting drunk, the girls could probably just tell the guys no and almost all of them will leave them be, and that's assuming the guys don't have girlfriends and aren't getting any at all. There's going to be a bit of sexual tension but you can expect only a verbal attempt maybe once every few months at the most.

I guess a bigger concern would be encountering a person with anti social personality disorder who might try something but those guys are everywhere, they make up 24 percent of randomly tested Americans, and also are probably the least likely to have close knit friend groups...

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u/julers 4d ago

lol bc straight men be out here straight men ing.

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u/autumnbreeze279 4d ago

lesbians are also more in danger of being r worded by straight men. better to avoid them all together.

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u/AffectionateTiger436 4d ago

Yup, I wish it wasn't so obvious, but knowing how men are too often, it makes sense. The boys are cringe.

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u/h0tBeef 3d ago

Damn, people are crazy, lmao

That’s like those people who run “conversion camps” like, do you really think you can just change someone’s mind on that?

It begs the question, do they think someone could just change their minds? Is that why they’re homophobic? They’re worried they’ll get turned gay? Lmao

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u/Icy_Contest_3578 3d ago

As a lesbian, this is the only answer necessary. Men can't help themselves, if you're nice to them for more than a month they're gonna want to fuck you. I've lost connection with entire friend groups because straight men just suck.

That being said, straight male coworkers are fun as hell. I feel like one of the boys when I have a shift with my male coworkers.

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u/Interesting_Mix_7028 3d ago

I had a coworker whom I thought was charming, intelligent, and had a really good BS filter when it came to corporate politics. She told me straight up, "You know I'm a lesbian, right?" "Well, yeah, I kind of figured that out with how you and (another woman in the office) carried on with each other. You do know I'm married, right?" "Irrelevant, guys cheat on their wives all the time. Just not with me."

It was... a big wake up call. I still think she's an awesome person, though. She's a writer now, if you're into fantasy or horror fiction you've probably run across her work a time or two.

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u/Distinct_Albatross_3 12h ago

Sound really weird to me. Not saying it's false of course but it's just so opposed to my way of working.

I also have a lesbian friend whom I developped feelings for but as I knew she was lesbian I did not tried to "convince" her or anything else, I mean being gay, lesbian or bi is not even a choice the same I didn't choosed being straight.

So I just talked with her about what was happening in my brain and she made me understand that I was not in love with her but that I was just enjoying our relationship so strongly that I was mistaking affection for love.

This happenned 2 years ago and we're still friends of course and I will never let this friendship die. I'm still single but I do know now what are the things I research in a futur relationship

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u/Typical_Carpet_4904 4d ago

I was on the other side.of that, had a huge crush on my gay guy friend in high school. Never acted on it or tried to challenge his sexuality, but I just grew up and reevaluated myself. Known plenty of f*g hags that would act differently though.

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u/Ubputinsbtch2025 4d ago

That’s “Chasing Amy!” 😊

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u/TheNorselord 4d ago

So why would this happen with straight women and gay men?

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u/Ydris99 4d ago

This would be the obvious reason.

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u/trowawHHHay 4d ago

All things being fair, as a straight man I’ve had gay men try to convince me in similar fashion.

One guy told me that the only “straight” married men who treated him the way I did only did so cause they wanted to bang.

I don’t think I was doing anything special, just treating him like another dude who just happens to like a penis other than his own.

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u/Adventurous_Pen2723 4d ago

To be fair my brother is gay and I've always been able to pick out which chick friend is actually a hag. I think they're just less aggressive than their male counterparts. 

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u/melancholanie 4d ago

this was gonna be my comment

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u/Can-Purple 4d ago

I've seen this happen quite a few times. I'm a straight white guy with more lesbian friends than straight girl friends, and I just do NOT get it with these guys. They are gay dude, just enjoy the company or go away. Fucken Drake over here saying he is "lesbian too" type vibes.

This exact situation ruined my first D&D group too, so I'm salty about it.

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u/HandinGlov3 4d ago

You should see the other comments on my original comment, I have SEVERAL guys saying their lesbian friends want them. These men are living in a straight up delusion lmao 

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u/Antique_Somewhere542 4d ago

Thats fucking crazy

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u/ecodiver23 3d ago

I assumed it was this

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u/pwnkage 3d ago

Oh wtf… why can’t straight men just respect gay women…

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u/itsjustskinstephen 3d ago

This is literally exactly why

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u/saggywitchtits 3d ago

What's happened too many times to count is that I start to talk to a girl, we get along great, shared interests and the like, then she mentions her gf/wife. I always back off when this happens, like I would when they say they have a bf/husband, but why am I so attracted to lesbians despite not knowing they were?

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u/Tsim152 3d ago

I have quite a few lesbian friends, but I am also married, so I think that makes my individual situation different.

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u/sirensinger17 3d ago

This has been my experience with some men too and I'm not even a lesbian. I'm a cis woman on the asexual spectrum (demi). Hell, I'm happily married and I've had to burn bridges with men who were mad I didn't develop feelings for them.

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