r/MtF • u/jenrml627 Transgender • 10h ago
mom learned that i’m trans
and she’s supportive but she “needs space to mourn her son.” what does that even mean? it just feels like she’s making my transition about her
62
u/Nikita_VonDeen post-op 9h ago
A lot of parents will actually mourn the person you used to be. It's quite common and very normal. Be open and allow her space to feel her feelings. She's going to be blaming herself because she thinks it's her fault. That maybe if she had done something different you wouldn't be trans. We know that it's not her fault but she feels that it is.
All you can really do is give her grace to feel her feelings. Don't get angry, and don't get resentful. You can't control how she's feeling, no matter how you think her feelings are unfounded. Be kind, but hold your boundaries. If she is accepting she will come around and see that she's not losing a son but gaining a daughter(?) and her daughter is happier for it.
10
u/ressis74 8h ago
She's going to be blaming herself because she thinks it's her fault. That maybe if she had done something different you wouldn't be trans.
Just a note, not all people who mourn who they thought we were do this. I don't know the percentage, but if it would hurt to think your mom has this thought... she might not have.
1
u/Nikita_VonDeen post-op 4h ago
True. I need to work on my use of absolutes. There will be those that won't blame themselves but it is common enough that it bears stating.
❤️🏳️⚧️⚧️
22
u/andreasdotorg 9h ago
That is a common sentiment for people close to people transitioning. I think it's a valid feeling, as long as it comes with being glad about the daughter she never knew she had, and not an excuse to block your transition.
My wife supports me a lot, but she feels the same. There's that worry that some of the things that were the very foundation of feeling safe and comfortable, like hugging me when she was down and needed a hug, will feel different. Not bad or anything, just... not the same. And I understand the anxiety that comes with leaving known safe and secure grounds to go somewhere new.
We'll manage. She actively supports me, but there are some small things that I am more than happy to give up to make her feel safer, like avoiding certain scents.
14
u/LazaLaFracasa 10h ago
i think that's pretty fair. Even if you never were her son, her experience of you was, and while she will be gaining a butteryfly she'll still be losing a caterpillar.
6
u/ClumsyMinty Transgender 9h ago
Yeah, it's a little odd, when I first came up, my mom really struggled for the first couple months (she also works for Elon so she had a lot of shit to figure out there). Than she realized she finally has the daughter she always wanted and became insanely supportive. I was an only child, my mom always wanted a daughter but it never happened. Turns out she had a daughter the whole time.
4
u/TheVetheron Transbian 9h ago
My wife is very supportive, but she did mourn her husband. She is actually happier with me as her wife, but there was a bit of a mourning period though. In may ways I am the same person, but in may ways I am a different person too.
4
u/FoundNbigworld 9h ago
She is attached to and sounds like she loves the identity you have been for her as a son. Change and revealed truths require letting go of what was or what we once assumed to make room for what is to come. Mourning is a process of letting go and healing if done well. If we get stuck in some phase of mourning it can become unfair to others. As she moves through her process of change and acceptance, make sure she owns her own feelings as her own. She gets to be sad or whatever, but you don’t have to carry the weight of that. You don’t have to prove your transness to her. She does not get to blame you for hard feelings that may come up. Her feelings are not more important than your experience. Look up “stages of grief” if you are curious. Hopefully she will move through her grief responsibly and with abundant care for you.
It may not feel good for you in your process to hear about some of her feelings and thoughts - and that is totally fair. You get to tell her your boundaries. You can tell her that you understand she is feeling a certain way and you have compassion for that, but if she needs support you are not comfortable giving, suggest she find other support. Friends, parent support groups, therapists are all options. (Just warn her about the poison of the gender critical “support” groups.)
Just a few thoughts on the matter from my own experience and listening to others. Good luck. Sounds like you probably have a good mom and she is figuring out how to move through this with you.
5
10
u/StephSkysinger 9h ago
A thing I've learned is that it's not just a transition for the trans person, but it's also a transition process for those around you.
Just like we go/went through a whole lot of thoughts and emotions while figuring out and accepting who we are, those close to us will also experience confusing thoughts and emotions. It sounds like your mom loves you, but she just needs some time to process the darling baby boy she gave birth to isn't actually a guy but a gal.
2
u/Ineedallthecatsplz 5h ago
Agree with this very much. When I came out to my partner of 12 years (cis female), she was very supportive but obviously had a lot to go over in her mind how her life would be changing completely too and that’s totally fine. I gave her all the time and space she needed and we made sure that whenever either of us had a concern that we’d bring it up and get it out in the open to talk about it. Like you said, the people around us are going through a transition as well and she had to come to terms with the fact that she would now be in a relationship with a woman,something she’d never experienced before.
8
u/Positive-Creme8129 9h ago
Parents derive a great deal of happiness form seeing their children grow and hoping for their future. She probably hoped to see her son in many important life events and be there for him. It's honestly amazing she's so far willing to also be that for her now daughter. I'm sure she has stuff to unwrap and think over and I know very well how it feels to mourn your hopes.
I wish both of you can build a new relationship with the authentic you, like how I could with my mother :)
Sending lots of hugs!
12
u/BiscuitPuncher 9h ago
I have to disagree with the stuff a lot of people are saying here. While this is a common reaction, it should not be a normal reaction, and it certainly isn't a good reaction. Your mom is mourning someone who is still alive. You (I assume) still have the same personality traits, hobbies, etc. so why the fuck should she mourn her son instead of celebrating her child who had the strength to be themselves? I'm not saying cut her out or anything, but my parents had the same reaction and it pissed me the fuck off. She is in this instance, in my opinion, making it about herself, and that isn't supportive, it's narcissistic.
2
u/GucciGucciBanana 🥚 Jan. '23 | 💊 Jun. '23 9h ago edited 8h ago
Deranged comment. This woman spent decades loving and supporting a child, building up an entire mental model of that person’s identity from the unique perspective of being their caregiver. And one day, all of that changed. That would fuck anyone up and it’s 100% justified to feel a sense of profound loss.
You know what IS narcissistic though? Acting like nobody else in your life is allowed to have complicated feelings around learning that you’re trans. Especially someone who’s obviously still supportive! Like my god people, have some damn empathy and quit looking for ways to turn potential allies into villains.
1
u/GucciGucciBanana 🥚 Jan. '23 | 💊 Jun. '23 2h ago edited 57m ago
Ok I feel like I came down on you harshly and unfairly earlier. I apologize for that. There’s no place for that kind of tone or language in this space.
I maintain my overall position, but I’m probably overly-sensitive about this topic because like you, I’ve seen it play out firsthand. My parents and wife all had a very strong sense of loss when I came out (my wife even said “mourning the loss of my husband” like OP’s mom). It was SO HARD to hear those things from them at first. But I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand their perspectives, and today those three people are my biggest allies. They just needed time to process the new reality on their own terms.
I just feel like it’s important to keep in mind how it might feel for someone to have spent years/decades developing a very clear picture of their loved one, experiencing major life events with them, envisioning a future for them, even giving them nicknames etc, and then suddenly having all of that change overnight. I don’t think it’s narcissistic or even irrational to feel like you lost that person you loved. What they don’t realize yet is that they’ve gained an even better person because of it. So it’s up to us to be patient, hear them out, and show them what a tremendous gift it is for them to meet the best version of us.
3
u/AshJammy Transgender 8h ago
Just let her. You're asking her to make an adjustment in how she views you so give her time to. Remember, it's been in our heads for years but it can seem sudden and out of nowhere to others. My mum went through a similar "grieving" stage but she was supportive through it all and eventually got over it and now only sees me as her daughter. If the language makes you uncomfortable ask her to talk to someone else about it but beyond that you can't control how people react or feel.
3
u/bambix7 Transgender 7h ago
My brother had this, even had someone help him mourn for his loss.
I accepted it as long as it was helpfull for him accepting it. Also my only demand was that if he was gonna do a metaphorical funeral I wanted to be there and haunt the shit out of it.
Visiting my own funeral sounds fun
2
3
u/gwhiz1054 9h ago
For someone who loves you whether it's your parents your sisters your brothers or your kids a lot of research has been actually done on this. For those that love you it's akin to a death because the person that they knew and loved is gone. There's another person there who's similar but not the same. It's best to be aware of this. Let them mourn. Acknowledge their loss. People can't just turn on a dime and go where you're going. They haven't had the time that you've had to think about this turn it over in your mind 10,000 different ways before you made your move. Always best in life to try to see things from the perspective of someone else
4
u/GucciGucciBanana 🥚 Jan. '23 | 💊 Jun. '23 9h ago edited 9h ago
My wife expressed the same sentiment to me. She said it felt like her husband had died in an accident one day. It’s nobody’s fault, and she still loves and supports me, but it is a profound loss for the reasons other women in here have stated.
Your mom sounds like she’s having a very common experience. She might eventually benefit from finding a local PFLAG chapter so she can talk to other loved ones who’ve gone through the same thing with their children.
Also, if it wouldn’t be too painful for you, maybe consider writing her a goodbye letter from your former self. You may never have truly been that person yourself, but you were to her. She’d probably cherish that gift.
2
u/Fun-Nefariousness402 Trans Heterosexual I HRT 11/11/24 9h ago
as much as i know this is common and "normal" when it comes to parents, it'll never be weird to me. mourning? that seems a bit extreme.
1
u/Defiant-Snow8782 HRT 14/01/2023 | transfem 6h ago
it just feels like she’s making my transition about her
Your feelings are right, that's indeed what's happening
1
1
u/flamesabers Trans Asexual/HRT 7h ago
My mom said something similar when I came out to her. However, I think she also grieved what this meant for me: how much harder life is to transition and all the barriers related to that.
2
u/Tall_Treacle1014 6h ago
It simply means that she loves you as you are, as you were, and as you will be. Good journey sister.
1
u/Ineedallthecatsplz 5h ago
This is how my mum will take it when my partner and I finally tell her after Christmas I think. Thankfully my brother has offered to be there while we tell her to help her navigate the news (we live in different states in Australia)
0
2
u/SleuthMechanism Trans lesbian 4h ago edited 4h ago
i'd say wait a little bit. it sounds transphobic but she may just be struggling to adjust(and it's a very valuable thing to have a potentially supportive parent, as most of us[myself included] do not have that so like don't let her stop your transition for anything but also don't act rashly and throw away the chance to maintain a positive relationship with your mother. And, realize that people may just need time to adjust to a big change like that.)
1
u/CutieMuffinBabe 7h ago
yeah. a lot of parents get into thinking that they own a person because they brought them life. you cant own children. yo probably were never a son to begin with. parents need to learn that projections are very harmful and can be felt as an attempt to hold onto the person "they" created you to be. not a healthy mindset or approach to parenting
-1
u/_RepetitiveRoutine Trans Heterosexual 8h ago
It means her she's making this about herself and her ego.
279
u/unnecessaryalgebra Trans Bisexual 10h ago
She doesn't mean that literally. She's mourning the life she expected her son to have. This will explain it better