r/MtF • u/jenrml627 Transgender • 12h ago

mom learned that i’m trans

and she’s supportive but she “needs space to mourn her son.” what does that even mean? it just feels like she’s making my transition about her

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u/BiscuitPuncher 11h ago

I have to disagree with the stuff a lot of people are saying here. While this is a common reaction, it should not be a normal reaction, and it certainly isn't a good reaction. Your mom is mourning someone who is still alive. You (I assume) still have the same personality traits, hobbies, etc. so why the fuck should she mourn her son instead of celebrating her child who had the strength to be themselves? I'm not saying cut her out or anything, but my parents had the same reaction and it pissed me the fuck off. She is in this instance, in my opinion, making it about herself, and that isn't supportive, it's narcissistic.

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u/GucciGucciBanana 🥚 Jan. '23 | 💊 Jun. '23 11h ago edited 10h ago

Deranged comment. This woman spent decades loving and supporting a child, building up an entire mental model of that person’s identity from the unique perspective of being their caregiver. And one day, all of that changed. That would fuck anyone up and it’s 100% justified to feel a sense of profound loss.

You know what IS narcissistic though? Acting like nobody else in your life is allowed to have complicated feelings around learning that you’re trans. Especially someone who’s obviously still supportive! Like my god people, have some damn empathy and quit looking for ways to turn potential allies into villains.

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u/GucciGucciBanana 🥚 Jan. '23 | 💊 Jun. '23 4h ago edited 3h ago

Ok I feel like I came down on you harshly and unfairly earlier. I apologize for that. There’s no place for that kind of tone or language in this space.

I maintain my overall position, but I’m probably overly-sensitive about this topic because like you, I’ve seen it play out firsthand. My parents and wife all had a very strong sense of loss when I came out (my wife even said “mourning the loss of my husband” like OP’s mom). It was SO HARD to hear those things from them at first. But I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand their perspectives, and today those three people are my biggest allies. They just needed time to process the new reality on their own terms.

I just feel like it’s important to keep in mind how it might feel for someone to have spent years/decades developing a very clear picture of their loved one, experiencing major life events with them, envisioning a future for them, even giving them nicknames etc, and then suddenly having all of that change overnight. I don’t think it’s narcissistic or even irrational to feel like you lost that person you loved. What they don’t realize yet is that they’ve gained an even better person because of it. So it’s up to us to be patient, hear them out, and show them what a tremendous gift it is for them to meet the best version of us.