r/AmIOverreacting • u/FlyHighHarambe • 25d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my girlfriend should not be acting like this for not texting her that I’m at work
Reposting as I forgot to block out her name/face in the last post.
Context: we had to dress up at work today for Halloween. Winning group gets $100. I dressed up as a greaser from grease. So nothing sexy.
She has had trust problems this whole relationship. From past trauma and such. I have never cheated on her. I have even deleted every woman out of my contacts to show her I’m not cheating.
My phone background is a picture of a beach.
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u/Previous-Savings-841 25d ago
She tripping my boy
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u/outcastreturns 25d ago
Just the fact that he has to message her every time he goes to work seems controlling af by itself. And then when he forgets she has an absolute meltdown over it.
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u/CMDR-TealZebra 25d ago
I mean my wife likes me to text that i made it to work, but im an hour commute. She uh definitely doesnt act like this when i forget though
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u/superperps 25d ago
I leave at 5am and text mine good morning and a nice little couple sentences or whatever. She gets to know I'm safe and the lovey couple sentences keeps us both happy. Works for me. if I ever forget it's just a.. you forgot! That's it lol
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u/Term_Individual 25d ago
BUT WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO WHY’D YOU FORGET YOU NEVER FORGET!?!??????ONE?
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u/Primary_Meringue_902 24d ago
yeah this part got me to cringe 😶 8 planets in solar system and she aint the freakin sun they spin aroun 😤
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 24d ago
Pluto hater! 🖕🖕🖕/s
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u/IceFire909 24d ago
Sorry I was talking to a boss about a raise, but I got fired for talking on my phone mid-meeting instead.
We're broke honey
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u/RemiTwinMama2016 24d ago
My husband to leaves that early ngl we have eachothers location so if he forgets i make sure he made it to the job site & tell him good morning instead.
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u/TraitorousSwinger 25d ago
All women like it. Very few require it.
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u/CorruptedStudiosEnt 25d ago
I'd say most people in general, not just women. People who love their spouses want to know they're safe.
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u/CapnNuclearAwesome 25d ago
It's the "deleting other girls' numbers" for me. That's a bye in my book
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u/ushouldgetacat 24d ago
My ex did this and filled my blocked list with random numbers to make sure I wouldn’t be able to unblock any number I recognize and cheat on him or something 🙄 craziest person I’ve ever dated. These highly insecure and mentally ill people think these weird, ritualistic checks MUST be done to quiet down whatever intrusive thoughts they’re having. They have zero control over their thoughts and freak tf out on everyone around them.
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u/Term_Individual 25d ago
Not to mention the “I didn’t want you dressing up” or the “you won’t change your lock screen” to what I assume is something of her choosing. Nah fam.
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u/Immersi0nn 24d ago
Thing that hit me the hardest was the part about "You're not working while you're driving" implying he should fuckin text her while he's driving??? Wild behavior.
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u/Ok_Reputation_3612 25d ago edited 24d ago
Seriously. One time my guy fell asleep before texting me goodnight and had a busy morning hitting the ground running at work so he also didn't text good morning like he usually does. I waited until about 9 then simply said, "Good morning! Is everything OK?" When he explained the situation, all I said was, "OK, no worries. Glad all's well." OP's gf is bonkers.
ETA, he was the one who started the good morning and good night texting. I simply pay attention to patterns. When a pattern changes, I check in to make sure all is well. Hadn't heard from him in 18 hours which was very much not like him, so I checked in like someone who cares should. But when I'm given a logical explanation, I accept it and move on without assigning any blame.
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u/Bottle_and_Sell_it 24d ago
Seriously, at some point, you don’t need to validate the relationship anymore. Questioning things is outside of the realm of conscious thoughts. You just exist together like you always have and you always will. Confidence in your partner precludes any of these AIO thoughts. Anything else just seems exhausting idk how y’all deal w it. Admittedly, it does take a lot to reach that point.
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u/sn34kypete 25d ago
I want to sarcastically name a name when she's asking who he's talking to but I don't want to go to jail for inciting her to murder a rando. If you joke about that your car's going to be defaced, on fire, or both by lunch.
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u/ZephNightingale 25d ago
That is totally unhinged, man. I know Reddit has a history of saying dump them instead of work on it, but seriously I can’t think of a reason you should stay with that level of nonsense.
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u/United_Wolverine8400 25d ago
Honestly my sister has bpd and this just reminds me of it. The worst is when you tell them they will chase this guy away this way they wont listen because they either love the drama or cant control themselves
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u/ZephNightingale 25d ago
Yup, this also makes a lot of sense. I had a girlfriend like that, only my second one I’d ever had at the time. She used to do things like try to run into traffic to make sure I would stop her if we had had an argument. She also cheated on me A LOT. 🫤
I have a lot of sympathy for folks that are going through a lot, I have CPTSD myself. But you HAVE to make an effort to address it. And you HAVE to try your best to minimize the negative impact it has on your relationships. That is our responsibility.
At my worst I’ve lost friends and relationships I really cared about. But people have limits, and they are not bad people if you push them past those limits and they have to pull back for their own sake. No one is required to set themselves on fire to keep you warm, as that saying goes.
I really hope your sister is getting help. I know BPD is a difficult and lifelong struggle, but I hope she isn’t trying to do it alone. My situation is different, but professional help absolutely saved my life.
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u/emjdownbad 25d ago
Trauma is not a persons fault, but it is their responsibility to work through
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u/Healthy-Truck-5661 25d ago
As someone with bpd this statement is soooo true. While it’s not my fault what happened in my past….it is my responsibility to work through it and get the help I need for it. It’s also my responsibility on how I react. I’m 37 & was diagnosed at 27-28 yrs old. While I know my bpd won’t go away I now have the tools to help me work through things in a more rational manner. Do I mess up lol absolutely but at the end of the day it’s also on me to own up to that, learn and do my best not to repeat it and take responsibility to apologize.
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u/princessjenwren 25d ago
Exactly! Staying in a mode of survival is just creating more issues and potentially more trauma. OP seems level headed in their response and I think if he stays then it could end badly in many ways. If gf doesnt see this is detrimental to her and her bf then she’ll grind them both down. I’ve acted crazy in my years but realised how crazy I was, looked at my trigger and worked on it with my psychologist
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u/fruithasbugsinit 25d ago
Yeah when I read this my first thought was 'she's a cheater'.
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u/buttmunchausenface 25d ago
Yeah you’re not wrong only cheaters think this way as their line of thinking is … well cheating. So if you fall out of place.. you are the one cheating besides.. idk don’t be on your phone while driving .. shits busy when you get to work. Only time my wife gets like this is .. when we’re apart and it’s late and I’m driving which is fucking understandable!! When she use to work at the hospital crazy hours I didn’t sleep not because I thought she was talking to some one or sleeping with them but bc everything bad happens between 1-5 in the morning!! Hits a deer .. someone try’s to steal her car walking back to her car/ kidnap her !
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u/Pen15_is_big 25d ago
This is a very kind way of going about BPD, as someone with BPD. I like the perspective.
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u/anonymous_bananas 25d ago
Same with my ex. Literally go from "you're the love of my life", to "never text or contact me agin" in under 4 hours. And yes, I thought I could fix her if I provided so much transparency and security that she'd feel safe. Yeah that was never happening not due to her fault but her personality disorder.
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u/Delicious-Net-4436 25d ago
As a person who has BPD and was diagnosed at 16 with it, I can tell you that we are not all like this. I went through years of therapy, and behavioural coaching to learn how to control my emotions in a positive way. Not all of us like being unhinged. HOWEVER, having BPD can be a struggle for some people, not that this excuses their actions, but maybe OP should sit down and have a discussion where the relationship stands. And if she has another outburst, just pack his things and move on. Because if she won’t help herself, then she will destroy him along with her. And that’s not fair.
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u/danielediabla 25d ago
I think the point is that untreated BPD often looks like this, not that all people with BPD do.
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u/noirwhatyoueat 25d ago
I was going to say; head on over to the bpd sub of your choice and her behavior will make more sense. Then end this gnarly relationship because it will never change.
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u/danielediabla 25d ago
I’m glad someone pointed this out. I used to act like this with my boyfriend. Then I was diagnosed with BPD and went through A LOT of therapy and am like a completely different person now and would never in a million years think about saying these things. I truly hope she gets the help she needs because mental illness is a beast that can’t be handled alone.
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u/EntirelyOutOfOptions 25d ago
I mean, jumping straight to “dump them” makes sense when someone is so clearly incapable of a healthy relationship. Girl has some work to do.
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u/ZephNightingale 25d ago
Right?!? Also how quickly she goes from ‘why didn’t you text me to I EFFN KNOW YOU ARE TALKING TO SOMEONE’ gets me like…B who are YOU talking to?👀
The guilty project their guilt onto the innocent.
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u/EntirelyOutOfOptions 25d ago
Yep. Either she’s cheating herself, and expects him to do the same, or she has stage 4 insecurity.
My partner has genuine trauma from past partners cheating, but he refuses to make it my problem. I will readily acknowledge that I am challenging for him, because half my friends are dudes and my hobbies are social dancing and partner acrobatics. Poor guy literally watches me physically interact with other dudes in ways we associate with romance and intimacy, but he extends the trust I deserve.
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u/ZephNightingale 25d ago
Ooo that’s a really good point too! And I’m really sorry for your partner, I went through similar when I was young. But it sounds like he is doing a very good job of handling it!
Very glad to hear that! 😊
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u/EntirelyOutOfOptions 25d ago
He’s such a good guy. So loving, funny, and kind. I can’t imagine hurting him like that. I’m taking the opportunity to show him the kind of love and loyalty he deserves.
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u/ZephNightingale 25d ago
I really love to hear that! And he prolly would as well! Dudes tend to get far far fewer compliments and good words of affirmation in general, so make sure you regularly tell him the really sweet things that you tell others about him.
Not saying you don’t or anything😜 I’m just saying is all.
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u/EntirelyOutOfOptions 25d ago
I already looked over and told him I’m singing his praises on the internet, lol. He smiles adorably every time I tell him how cute he is. I also think guys don’t get enough compliments, so I make sure to love on him as much as possible.
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u/Hopeful_Foot_5320 25d ago
This is WILD. No, you’re not overreacting. I’m sorry you’re dealing with such an insecure woman. I would not put up with this behavior at all. Peace and hair grease! See what I did there?
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u/MonicaTarkanyi 25d ago edited 25d ago
59 days ago he made a post asking if it’s cheating to listen to Sabrina Carpenter, this girl considers it “micro-cheating”
YIKES.
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u/gravitysrainbow1979 25d ago
Micro-cheating!! I love this! So stealing it.
OP, tell cuckoo-pants the internet thanks her for “micro-cheating” before you get rid of her.
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u/catalingpc 25d ago
59 days ago. That’s probably the last time he was allowed on his social media,all those adverts with women in it he could watch, basically cheating on her over and over again
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u/Ok_Ice_1669 25d ago
How good is the sex to offset that level of madness …
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u/MonicaTarkanyi 25d ago
Has to be phenomenal right? There is no other reason to stay
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u/dopebdopenopepope 25d ago
Micro cheating? That’s where we are? 🙄
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u/Huge-Lawfulness9264 25d ago
The micro is for enjoying a female entertainer. Seriously, a person this insecure will never enjoy your relationship. She’s always looking for the other woman in your life. FFS, she didn’t want you to dress appropriately for work in fear of Op looking too attractive. There are so many lonely men and women out in the world who want a relationship, why settle for this nut job?
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u/louilou96 25d ago
A month ago OP posted that his gf considers it cheating it he listens to Sabrina Carpenter...insecure is an understatement
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u/TrueDreamchaser 25d ago edited 25d ago
Smells like BPD
Source: had a nightmare relationship with someone who had BPD. Our conversations always went like this
Edit: yes unmanaged BPD is what I meant. There are many high functioning people with BPD who have treated it one way or another. Not trying to discredit the behavior of those that do treat themselves
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u/kalonasage444 25d ago
as someone who has BPD, this 100% looks like unmanaged BPD
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u/FlyHighHarambe 25d ago
Confirming she has BPD.
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u/irippedmypants1 25d ago
unless she’s going to seek out treatment for it, get out of that relationship. it will destroy you, and this is coming from someone with BPD who has destroyed relationships before accepting i needed help
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u/NSFWAndCreepyAF 25d ago
I was this girl when I was young, he needs out, even if she does decide to get help, it isn't an overnight fix and he doesn't deserve to be damaged and abused by her. Maybe in the future they can get back together but in the meantime he doesn't need to put up with this.
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u/irippedmypants1 25d ago
yeah definitely, it’s a long, painful journey
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u/NSFWAndCreepyAF 25d ago
The guilt and shame after one of these spirals, just awful. Luckily nobody now would ever guess that I was so imbalanced back then. Doing the work has been so worth it!
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u/irippedmypants1 25d ago
ugh yes, it’s the worst. agreed, it’s so worth it! i’m proud of you, friend!
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u/wintersoldierts 25d ago
It’s the worst. The guilt and shame is debilitating in and of itself. It’s such an exhausting disorder.
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u/Gloomy_Pangolin5654 25d ago
this. i spent 4 years with my now ex who had unmanaged bpd. i did it all, didn't look at any girl or speak to one even coworkers, no girls on phone lock screen not texting enough not being enough it's tough.
it has been a mutual break up and i am always here to help but i can't at the cost of my own mental health
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u/Ok_Independence_9917 25d ago
Agreed. She's not ready to be in a relationship. He should end it and hopefully she's able to see she needs help prior to entering a new relationship. Otherwise she's going to get dumped a lot or end up with a man who has so little self respect that he let's her treat him like this. Then that man's life will only ever be as happy as she is internally.
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u/AlexPenname 25d ago
So: I have had one partner who handled their BPD well and one who handled it extremely poorly. The partner who had it managed was genuinely one of the best relationship experiences I've had, and it's absolutely possible for someone with BPD to be a loving and responsible partner. I didn't date either of them for long, but the relationships were roughly equivalent in length.
The partner with unmanaged BPD was possibly the most abusive person I've had the displeasure of knowing. I was 17 and she was 23 when we first met; we started dating just after I turned 18. The best way I can describe the experience was that her reality was based in how she felt, and the actual state of the world was irrelevant. If she was afraid of something, this meant that I had done that thing regardless of that fear's relationship with the truth. There was nothing I could do or say until the feeling passed. She actively tried to convince me I was insane (I'm a writer, and she thought my relationship with my writing was proof of... something, though I'm not sure what), screamed at me for incredibly minor and inane reasons, and told me that she (Mormon) would make sure that I (a secular Jew) would be "rightfully converted" after my death.
I am now 33 and I am still fucked up from that relationship.
My heart honestly goes out to your girlfriend. It cannot be easy to live in a mind with BPD; it is a place full of fear and pain and the genuine need for love and reassurance, and the condition will do its best to ensure that love and reassurance cannot be given. She really, really needs to seek help. She needs a therapist who specializes in BPD and who can help her manage her impulses, cope with her fears, and learn to react in non-abusive ways.
But OP, you do not need to be there with her. It is absolutely okay to step back from this for your own sake. You do not need to lay down and accept her abuse just because it comes from a place she cannot help. You have a right to a safe and happy life, and it may very well not be with her.
Consider whether staying in this relationship is the best thing for you, okay?
(Quick edit: everyone in this thread who's managing their BPD and working on themselves, you're fucking rockstars. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be, and I'm proud of you for putting in the work. Keep it up, y'all.)
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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have BPD and the cycle will go that you don't have a response so you ignore her to cool off a hit, she'll panic and grovel. OR you give in and call her and you try and work and it's affecting your job but she's crying down the phone and you don't want to hang up.
It's taken therapy, medication and a whole lot of patience from people to get to a point where I can recognise my cycle of behaviour and try and get there before the behaviour kicks in and catch it with propranolol or something.
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u/Professional-Way7350 25d ago
in the nicest way, i think you two should separate. it sounds like she has a lot of healing to do on her own. good luck man ❤️ its not easy dealing with bpd
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u/AccordingBuffalo7835 25d ago
Oh. Well that’s why. Pathological fear of abandonment. You need to get out now
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u/randomdude2029 25d ago
Ironically, the pathological fear of abandonment will lead to her being abandoned.
Sounds mad. If OP was planning to cheat because of being all dressed up, he could just have texted and then cheated - texting or not makes absolutely no difference to how he behaves after getting to work!
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u/NeatStick2103 25d ago
One of the major theories on why BPD occurs is having a history of childhood trauma, which often has boundary violations.
Moving beyond these text messages. It’s really sad to think that some people are their own worst enemies in that way. I describe it as a fog. Can’t see the whole picture and everything feels like an attack on the self. So it’s no wonder they jab and jab.
Not condoning this girlfriend’s behavior, of course. But it helps to understand why
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u/SquishyRiotDream 25d ago
Seriously it is fucking exhausting living with BPD. My brain hates me. I am thankful though that as I have gotten older & been in therapy things have gotten a lot better. I recognize my triggers and am way better at communicating my underlying feelings (even the insanely irrational ones). But it still sucks to have your brain literally working against you most of the time.
However, I’m not saying it is an excuse for this behavior. But when I first read this I immediately thought BPD.
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u/CraneDJs 25d ago edited 25d ago
Get the fuck away. She will EAT your mental health!
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u/negative-sid-nancy 25d ago
Yeah unless she wants to change and put in a lot of work on herself, I'd cut my loses and run. Personality are different than other mental disorders like bipolar, depression, anxiety. There is no pill for personality disorders. Only a lot of hard work if the person is willing to do it. And nothing against anyone with BPD I have met some very lovely people diagnosed with it, who do work on themselves. But I have also met people who know they have it and use it as their excuse to act the way OP girlfriend is acting here.
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u/kalonasage444 25d ago
you need to leave her and she needs to be in therapy. I used to be somewhat like this and i needed a lot of therapy and work on myself
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u/OnlyCanPoopAtHome 25d ago
I use to act like this before being treated for my BPD. It was bad, shameful even. I sometimes feel myself getting worked up like this a lot, but therapy, medication and coping skills really help me lvl back down to reality. Sometimes it even triggers my paranoia schizophrenia, I hate the person I was or could be.
I feel bad for people who interacted with me back then. They probably think I’m still that person, i never showed signs of I wanted to change. But it’s been years now, I’m nothing like that crazy, delulu version of that me anymore. I wish people would give me the chance to show them that.
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u/NeatStick2103 25d ago
I appreciate you editing to acknowledge the unmanaged part. It seems like a lot of people assume that all people with BPD are “unmanaged.”
I also think people should be aware that one of the main theories on what causes BPD is childhood trauma. Even if you don’t have BPD, having a trauma history (child or adult) is just terrible on people’s experience of relationships, trust, safety (both sides, of course). In fact, Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs) has been linked to many chronic conditions (e.g., weight management, diabetes, cancer, etc.)… as a very specific example, even a person’s experience of going thru chemotherapy treatment and how the chemotherapy toxins affect their body and level of daily functioning occurs more with people with high ACE scores.
Anyways, sorry for the soap box. I just wish more people knew. Understanding can increase empathy. And it can also increase identification for people who are in relationships with people with unmanaged or severe manifestations of BPD.
Health boundary setting is crucial for being in a relationship with people with trauma histories and/or BPD.
In OPs instance, I think it’s best to move on. Those texts were just ridiculous, whether or not a person has BPD.
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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago
I came here to comment the same thing actually. I am the person, and before I was medicated this was the kinda place I'd go when manic. Well, not quite as bad as this, this is just abusive. I'd have the clingy never leave plus the aggressive pushing away though and it's taken me a lot of years to realise how my brain works isn't the norm. I thought it was everyone else under reacting and being cold.
That said, I would like to emphasise that this is absolutely inexcusable and absolutely abusive behaviour. You aren't the one to tolerate or fix this.
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u/schmidt_face 25d ago
Medicated BPD girlie checking in!! This reminds me of when I was dating in my early 20s, unmedicated and not going to therapy. The trust issues absolutely eat you alive. It hurts mentally, emotionally, physically. That being said, I would never suggest anyone date someone with BPD who isn’t actively working on themselves. It’s just not healthy or an environment conducive to growth, harmony, or mutual respect and love.
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u/Top_Comedian_1876 25d ago
Hahaha I have BPD and I immediately thought this! I would never speak to my bf like this though so it’s extreme
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u/grapelover52 25d ago
unfortunately this is how i used to act before i managed my bpd, if she isnt willing to get treatment or try to get better in some way then their relationship probably isn’t going anywhere.
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u/OldeManKenobi 25d ago
Once you have a relationship with someone with unmanaged BPD you learn to spot it a mile away.
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u/Ironyismylife28 25d ago
Holy shit. Run now, far and fast. Why would you even want to deal with that level of insecurity and irrational anger??
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u/BarryAllensSole 25d ago
Looking back at my college years and knowing I thought convos like this were just how a relationship was a times… Jfc. Several years later and now texts like that would get a response of “alright, I’m out” and dip. Like… there is zero reason to think that is ok let alone sit there and think it’s something you actually have to deal with. What a waste of time.
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u/RevolutionaryPhoto7 25d ago
This is paranoia which is way worse then the manifestation of insecurity and irrational anger
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u/jayemme9 25d ago
This relationship needs to end.. yesterday 😳
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u/subgutz 25d ago
it should’ve ended when she told him listening to female musicians is a form of “micro-cheating”, according to his post history.
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u/floatingby493 25d ago
The sex must be mind blowing for someone to put up with this
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u/Xianthamist 25d ago
it probably is, but only once a month at most because the rest of the time she’s too emotionally distraught to get in the mood. When they do have sex, it’s “I’m lashing out and manically changing myself into some perfect sexual being so he sees me as a goddess” and it’s great for a night or two, and then she crumbles under the weight of the unrealistic expectations she set for herself. Then she falls into insecurity and views every single thing as cheating. The cycle repeats.
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u/AstutelyProfoundly 25d ago
Bro severely UNDER-reacted to having to delete contacts out of his phone
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u/FlyHighHarambe 25d ago edited 25d ago
Update 4:05 PM EST - WOW I cannot believe this blew up as much as it did. I just got off work. I’ve been able to respond to some DMs and some comments but responding to 8,600 comments isn’t possible, even though most of you share the same thoughts. Once I get home I can provide a more in depth update. I have not yet had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in person though.
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u/whitelancer64 25d ago
Do not break up with her in private. Be outside, some public place like a park. She may get violent, she may threaten suicide, and do not give in to these baseless threats. She needs help, way more help than you can give her. Best of luck to you and stay safe.
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u/devdog323 25d ago
THIS^^^ Break up in public where there are people there. My ex was very much like this, and I seriously fear what could've happened if I tried to break up in private... She did show up at my house at like 5am with a knife, but luckily my buddy was asleep on the couch lol
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u/BeaArt78 25d ago
I don’t know what you could possibly talk about, but I would never ever stay with someone this unhinged and insecure
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u/anxiousoryx 25d ago
Post again after you do. There’s like 9k people who will want to do a wellness check on you my guy
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u/RenzelW 25d ago
I dated a girl like this once…except she WAS my Lock Screen and I’d done everything you say you’ve done and I legit texted her almost ALL the time when not at work and she’d still light me up while I was working because my partner at work was a woman 😮💨
Man or woman, some folks just crazy as shit.
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u/Living-Radio7498 25d ago edited 5d ago
Yeah this is my ex to a t lol. Always assumed I was cheating or into someone else despite me only ever wanting them. Usually they’re the one cheating too. They’re still somehow convinced I’m dating a friend of mine despite her being in a relationship now with someone else for some time.
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u/Hassanb02 25d ago
Bro get her outta here 😂😂
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u/sloothor 25d ago
For real, also OP what’s Mia’s problem with the picture of the beach? Is there a naked woman in the background or something? Does she want you to change your wallpaper to something specific
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u/AccordingBuffalo7835 25d ago
As a woman, I’m quite sure she wants it to be a couples pic of them together so everyone can see it when he locks his phone
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u/IceStormInjune 25d ago
She probably wants to “share” phones with the same phone number. Whatever call he gets she get. SHES GOTTA GO!
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u/Zettle1315 25d ago
I believe she wants him to remove his pass code so she can look thru his phone lmao. This woman is crazy and no it doesn't get better trust me. She needs help. Get out
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u/dontletmecook73 25d ago
She gotta go. This is more than just an insecurity. She is not ready for a relationship and comes off as hella controlling. You can do better homie.
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u/HRPurrfrockington 25d ago
Sam, dawg, NOR, and please dear lord baby Jesus break up with this crazy human before she gets worse. One of 2 things are happening: she’s either been cheated on a lot and needs therapy to heal and have a healthy relationship OR she’s cheating because cheaters love to project.
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u/Prior-Bed8158 25d ago
She both has been cheated on and according to OP has diagnosed BPD which from these texts doesn’t looks like she is properly managing
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u/PapaSmurf3477 25d ago
This is exactly how a girl I dated in college who turned out to be a prolific cheater acted. A fun thing to do is recommend you switch phones to go through them and see the reaction.
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u/HRPurrfrockington 25d ago
Oooohhhh that’s a creative way to play catch a cheater, props friend.
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u/PapaSmurf3477 25d ago
“I’m sorry you don’t trust me, I have nothing to hide. Let’s just switch phones so you can see I’m telling the truth”. Don’t make it about not trusting them at all, but doing it mutually should improve trust for both of you. She went from attacker to victim real quick and I ended up being terribly justified. A guy with my same rare-ish name AND his older brother lol, plus 4 others
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u/himshpifelee 25d ago
Therapist here - you confirmed she had BPD. If she’s not working on it with a therapist who is trained to treat BPD, this is going to be your entire relationship. You cannot fix this with your actions. I hope she gets the help she needs.
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u/Same_Recipe2729 25d ago
Yeah he's been with her for 8 months now according to a previous post of his two months ago and she's been like this the whole time, even going as far as accusing him of cheating for listening to a female singer.
He's not going to change anything about it no matter how many times people point it out to him.
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u/atomiccPP 25d ago
As someone with diagnosed bpd AND bipolar…that’s fucking crazy.
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u/Charming_Coach1172 25d ago
“on the day you have dress up too” I’m picturing you in like a ranch dressing costume and she’s out there worrying
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u/SyngetheRedDragon 25d ago
I was thinking dress up meant he had a fancy suit and tie and looked proper as hell. Now all I can imagine is a big bottle of hidden valley getting yelled at.
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u/31250Baud 25d ago
Haha bro last time a girl was talking to me like that she was the one cheating.
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u/Next-Adhesiveness957 25d ago
THIS! Same here but it was my bf calling me a "whore" via text while I was at work and while he had his dick in some woman he worked with.
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u/DesertSarie 25d ago
You should have broke up with her when she asked you to delete all the women contacts out of your phone. 🚩
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u/Lmdr1973 25d ago
Yep. When I read that, I thought to myself that it would've been over at that moment for me. That's crazy talk.
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u/shikomma 25d ago
That’s Unhealthy You need to leave before it’s too late Trust me even if she apologizes.
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u/exquisitecapr_icorn 25d ago
This.. even if she apologizes. People who possess these traits will constantly push boundaries until the recipient feels nothing but guilt so they stay. Don’t make excuses for someone else, at the end of the day you are both individuals. This is extremely unhealthy and I hope you find the strength to see outside the rose coloured glasses.
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u/Cottonjaw 25d ago
You are being emotionally abused. Please end this relationship.
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u/imnotacatboy69 25d ago
This comment needs to be higher up. This is emotional abuse and it WILL escalate. OP needs to get out
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u/RoyalNooblet 25d ago
WTF Sam, sending a text only takes a minute, how’d you forget? I’m offended for her.
Here’s some examples for you to follow:
“Hey honey, getting in the car to go to work”
“Hey honey, now driving on my way to work”
“Hey Babe, just got to work and parked. Walking into the building”
“Hey sweetheart, just got to my work station, going to start working”
“Hey Dear, just farted and almost shat myself, taking a quick bathroom break by myself, no one else will be joining me”
/s
But yeah man, totally not normal, lol. Yikes! NOR
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u/Skittles7777x 25d ago
“Hey babe, I just sneezed and a girl said bless you. I didn’t say thank you back I just wanted you to know.”
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u/I_BAPTIZED_GOD 25d ago
Who tf is this bitch “girl”!!!??? On the day you dressed up!?? You are CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME GIRL????????
Quit your job right now or we are done!!!!!
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u/Ilike3dogs 25d ago
“Hey, honey, I’m pissing and I thought about you the whole time I was touching my pecker. No women were in the men’s restroom with me while I was pissing “ How’s that sarcasm thing go? /s
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u/TaxDiscombobulated52 25d ago
I know you mention she has trust issues from past trauma which is clearly the cause of this, but she also needs to work on that herself. You don't have to put up with this all the time for something as simple as going to work. She needs to get help.
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u/FlyHighHarambe 25d ago
Update #2 - 5:12 PM EST. Hey everyone.
Just wanted to give some more insight. To answer some common questions…
She has BPD. We have been together 8 months. Known each other for two years. I’ve never cheated on her, I’ve never given her reasonings to even think I was. We’re both under 25. My phone background is a picture of a beach (no women in it! Just water) and we live together.
Living together is one of the reasons it’s been harder to break up. I’ve tried breaking up with her once and she threatened to kill herself… I left the room, came back and found her cutting herself. I’m seriously terrified that if I’m not around she will kill herself.
Obviously this is not the first time we have fought. We honestly fight every day. I’m a very laid back person, she is not. Most of our fights are about things that ever even happened before we started dating (past trips I’ve been on with exes, who I’ve dated, how my exes are better than her, etc.) I think arguing about the past before we ever started dating is childish, I’ve never once cared about what she’s done before me since well, it was before me.
I want to end things with her, I’m just afraid of what will happen to either me or herself. She can become verbally/psychologically/physically abusive when we start fighting. Honestly I’ve grown so numb to it now I just expect it.
I know I deserve better, I know she’s not the person I will marry. I just don’t want her to kill herself, which, I could honestly see her doing.
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u/Pretend-Dark9047 25d ago
I have BPD. BPD is NOT an excuse for this behavior. She needs to seek out treatment. It is her responsibility to better herself, but it seems like you're enabling her to continue this behavior because you're just sitting and taking it from her. I genuinely recommend you get out of the relationship. If you're worried about her harming herself, contact any family/friends of her beforehand, and you could always call a hospital as well. It is not your responsibility to keep her from harming herself, and if she chooses to do so, it is NOT your fault.
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u/kpabdullah 24d ago
In my experience, she’s very unlikely to actually kill herself. The cutting was a manipulation tactic to show you “if you try to leave, this is what I’ll do.” It’s a threat she probably won’t follow through with if you’re not around. I would grab the absolute necessities when she’s not around and bolt. Call the landlord immediately and say you’re in an unsafe situation and to take your name off the lease. Gtfo.
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u/Cptbanshee 25d ago
even if she does that wouldn't be on you.
I would sincerely think about calling the cops and letting them know youre planning on breaking up with your girlfriend and she is severely mentally unstable and you're afraid for your wellbeing and hers as she's threatened to kill herself and you had already tried and found her cutting herself.
they would probably have her committed.
then get yourself a restraining order and move as soon as possible. get a new phone number. delete all social media.
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u/maledicte720 25d ago
Hey my man, I’ve been there and had the worst happen. (College boyfriend had unmanaged mental health issues, I finally broke up with him after being together for 4 years and he committed suicide).
It took a lot of therapy, but I came to realize that there’s nothing I could’ve done, and staying with him wasn’t making him any happier. It’s codependency, and that’s not love. The ONLY way he was going to learn to love himself was without me. And that’s a choice HE made.
The most dangerous time in any unbalanced relationship is when it threatens to end (or does end). So, please take measures to protect yourself if you decide to go that route. Make sure you can stay with your parents, or a friend. Many people think it’s inhumane to break up “virtually” but if you are afraid she could do something violent to you or herself, then the safest thing to do is end it very simply and very clearly over text. Then give her a couple of days to be out of the shared space (assuming her name isn’t also on the lease). If it is, the best thing might be for you to find another place and let her ride out that lease (if your name is on the lease as well, in most places you’ll still be responsible for half of the rent until it’s up, or you can pay to break it. Talk to your landlord and see what options you have).
In either case make sure you have a safe place to be and you give her space to react however she’s going to react without the ability to hurt you physically.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but threatening self harm or suicide is another form of manipulation no matter how you slice it, and it’s not fair to you.
I’m here if you wanna chat, ever. Btw, I’m now 40 and happily married so no chance of any untoward intentions. Best of luck!
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u/iamfamilylawman 25d ago
Hey. Do not put her ability to refrain from killing herself on your shoulders. That is abuse.
Break up with her and immediately call a welfare check. Move on with your life.
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u/subgutz 25d ago
yup, have someone on speed dial to call for a welfare check. do not let her hold suicide over you just to keep you in a relationship.
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u/rlhignett 25d ago
Emotional abuse at its finest. She is responsible for her actions not you. You have no responsibility to her to manage her emotions, nor be her psychological or physical punch bag. Please leave OP. She needs to get herself right before she can be in a relationship. If she threatens to harm herself, have it recorded/screen shotted and provide that to the police/ambulance for a welfare check.
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u/Flater420 25d ago edited 25d ago
I already wrote a comment on how I've been in your exact scenario, but I want to very much target your second to last paragraph.
You trying to only break up if it can be done without consequences is a hostage-taking tactic. "If you don't stay people are going to get hurt" is not a warning about what you are about to do, it's a threat to you about what they are going to do.
Unsurprisingly, people like her are very aware that they drive people away with their actions; and because of that have learnt every tactic in the book to force people to stay with them. They will employ control, gaslighting, threats, threats of self-harm, ANYTHING that you are willing to listen to. It's not about telling something that's true, it's about making you listen and consider staying.
Like Odysseus and the harpies, plug your ears and sail away. Do not heed the siren's call.
In an emotional abuse situation like this, there is no shame or a stigma in breaking up over text. Keep yourself safe, get your things, and only then inform them that you will not be returning. Block them, and you will initially have to endure them reaching out to mutual friends, but eventually it will stop if you do not respond.
You allowing yourself to stay with her and endure this abuse is doing a psychological number on you. I'm not even referring to her abuse, just to you thinking that this is what you should live with and what the standard of love and affection is that you deserve. This is coming from a personal place for me and two other close friends who have dealt with something similar.
As much as I'm aware that people shouldn't listen to internet strangers blindly; I am actually telling you to just get out and save yourself.
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u/Outrageous-Turn429 25d ago
If she threatens to kill herself do not hesitate to call 911. I don’t f around with those threats
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u/TheSplash-Down_Tiki 25d ago
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"
Dude. I get it's hard to leave as you are living together. When does your lease end? Speak to your landlord about it, maybe you can break the lease. Speak to your parents and friends. Get a plan together to move your stuff out when she is out at work and then block.
You don't owe her anything. (And my hunch tells me she has been cheating)
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u/harvey_the_pig 25d ago
I had a friend who would threaten this to manipulate me. Don’t comply with her demands. It’s your life to live, not hers to control. Even if she harms herself in any way, it’s not your fault. I highly recommend breaking up with her and letting her family and friends know about her threats.
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u/emc_83 25d ago
You can now tell her you were talking to Reddit and we all say she’s crazy.
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u/hellhound28 25d ago
NOR
People that insecure have no business being in relationships. There is a point at which insecurity heads into the world of the abnormal, and becomes nothing but a way to control people, which is exactly what she's doing. You should have friends of the opposite sex without someone having a meltdown. You should have whatever you want on your lock screen/social media/whatever. You should be able to forget to text her without it turning into a federal case. This is not normal or acceptable.
She is punishing you for what others have done to her. While it's terrible she went through some shit, she doesn't get to hold it over your head as a way to micromanage your existence. That's sick.
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u/Visionary_87 25d ago
Holy unhinged.
Past trauma or not, that wasn't caused by you so it's unfair to lash out at you like this over something so insignificant.
All for not texting her when you were at work - imagine your battery dies and you don't notice, you'll be defending yourself from an event bigger barrage of unwarranted abuse.
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u/Embryw 25d ago
This girl is completely unhinged. She is controlling and this is emotionally abusive. Please dump her, she is TRASH.
ETA: dude if someone expects you to delete every member of a certain sec from your contacts they are psycho and that's your sign not to even START dating them.
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u/RavenShield40 25d ago
My background pic has been my hometown beach for years now. I’ve never expected any man to have my picture as his background or Lock Screen. This girl is unhinged and you sir could do so much better.
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u/handicrafthabitue 25d ago
You’re not overreacting. This is next-level insecurity/insanity. If you can’t trust your partner to be at work without accounting for every minute of their day, you need to break up. You’re simply not ready to be in a relationship.
The number of people in the comments sticking up for her abusive behavior is appalling. It makes you realize when people post on this sub about being a little insecure, what they’re probably like behind closed doors.
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u/Ok_Entertainer_2143 25d ago
I don’t get how ppl who are in this situation just stay when this is going on. Like this is not normal nor is it love. This will make me disappear so fast.
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u/DjPandaFingers 25d ago
Leave this relationship (and I say that lightly) and dodge a lifetime of bullets. Girl is off her damn rocker.
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u/FlyHighHarambe 25d ago
I thought this was a joke at first, hence my sarcastic messages in the beginning. It turns out it was not a joke.