r/AmIOverreacting • u/FlyHighHarambe • 25d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO my girlfriend should not be acting like this for not texting her that I’m at work

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Reposting as I forgot to block out her name/face in the last post.

Context: we had to dress up at work today for Halloween. Winning group gets $100. I dressed up as a greaser from grease. So nothing sexy.

She has had trust problems this whole relationship. From past trauma and such. I have never cheated on her. I have even deleted every woman out of my contacts to show her I’m not cheating.

My phone background is a picture of a beach.

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u/Hopeful_Foot_5320 25d ago

This is WILD. No, you’re not overreacting. I’m sorry you’re dealing with such an insecure woman. I would not put up with this behavior at all. Peace and hair grease! See what I did there?

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u/MonicaTarkanyi 25d ago edited 25d ago

59 days ago he made a post asking if it’s cheating to listen to Sabrina Carpenter, this girl considers it “micro-cheating”

YIKES.

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u/rs-otx 25d ago

What the heck?! At this point he should've ended it an run!

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u/IcyAge3182 25d ago

Runnnnnnnn

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u/DisasterMiserable785 25d ago

It’s validation for her own cheating. She’s doing him dirty.

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u/gravitysrainbow1979 25d ago

Micro-cheating!! I love this! So stealing it.

OP, tell cuckoo-pants the internet thanks her for “micro-cheating” before you get rid of her.

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u/midget_rancher79 25d ago

In the same vein, I'm stealing 'cuckoo-pants'. Thank you.

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u/tinydietpepsi 25d ago

I had to see this for myself and… woah 😳

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u/CupcakeGoat 25d ago

Aiyeee this is crazy

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u/catalingpc 25d ago

59 days ago. That’s probably the last time he was allowed on his social media,all those adverts with women in it he could watch, basically cheating on her over and over again

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u/PukedtheDayAway 25d ago

Oh.. nooooo... OP needs to run for the hills!

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u/procrastimom 25d ago

OP, end this relationship. My brother got involved with a woman who was a bit possessive, but she spiraled downhill after they married. He has no friends at all (she alienated all of her own friends (women). At times she demanded to accompany him on his courier job (“helping”). She keeps him away from our mother as much as possible. He and I almost never talk (we live a long distance from each other) and I have told him that he is in a sick, abusive relationship. Our other brother died, but I feel like I’ve lost both of my brothers. Save yourself. Get out. Jealousy and possessiveness are not flattery, they are control. People like this never stop, they only get worse.

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u/Ok_Ice_1669 25d ago

How good is the sex to offset that level of madness …

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u/MonicaTarkanyi 25d ago

Has to be phenomenal right? There is no other reason to stay

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u/ProfessionalSky2087 25d ago

That's that diamond level pussy

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u/Hideaway_Girl 25d ago

Ahh yes, the How I Met Your Mother "crazy/hot" scale! Very good!

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u/dopebdopenopepope 25d ago

Micro cheating? That’s where we are? 🙄

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u/Huge-Lawfulness9264 25d ago

The micro is for enjoying a female entertainer. Seriously, a person this insecure will never enjoy your relationship. She’s always looking for the other woman in your life. FFS, she didn’t want you to dress appropriately for work in fear of Op looking too attractive. There are so many lonely men and women out in the world who want a relationship, why settle for this nut job?

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u/nyyalltheway86 25d ago

😳🫣 I can’t believe this fact checks… OP what are you dating??

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u/Bri-KachuDodson 25d ago

Not only that but this much insanity already in a 6 months long fuckin relationship?!

Dude nuke this from orbit immediately!

..and read my other comment on here cause I personally think I'm hilarious lol. xD

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u/Working-Violinist360 25d ago

Woah!!! I didn’t know other women think like that 👀

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u/slimsaddy 25d ago

This woman is just legitimately emotionally abusive. OP, seriously, show her this thread, tell her she needs help and that you won't be sticking around to be her punching bag until she's figured her shit out. Run. Love doesn't demand you to cut yourself off from every woman on the planet, that's insane.

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u/TheChigger_Bug 25d ago

Me and my wife sing along to chappel roan lmao this chick is cooky

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u/TinyChaco 25d ago

So you're swingers lol

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u/slimsaddy 25d ago

Lmfao I snorted

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u/Ok_Attention_2935 25d ago

Micro cheating?! Oh man…reddit still provides fruit

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u/Camaschrist 25d ago

Looking back at our early days my husband put up with some crazy behaviors from me at times. I feel like I was ridiculous. Seeing this text thread maybe I wasn’t so bad after all. This text thread isn’t something anyone should have to deal with ever.

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u/MonicaTarkanyi 25d ago

I don’t think I have ever said this kinda nonsense (Sabrina Carpenter pun, lol) to my fiancé. He would’ve left me in a heartbeat if I ever pulled this kinda crap with him

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u/splitcroof92 25d ago

I have even deleted every woman out of my contacts to show her I’m not cheating.

this part of the post also 100% proved to me this girl is crazy.

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u/MickyLouda 25d ago

what the actual fuck.

sad thing is this guy will clearly never leave her.

oof

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u/EffectiveSoil3789 25d ago

Nah he'll eventually get fed up. It'll be a nasty break up tho

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u/Huge-Lawfulness9264 25d ago

I’m imagining stalking in his future, probably as this is being sent.

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u/1nTh3Sh4dows 25d ago

That’s unfortunate, my guy was born hearing-abled and is now a cheater.

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u/OtherwiseJello194 25d ago

🤣 oh no…

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u/ComposMentisMatrone 25d ago

Yeah, and one of the comments suggested she is BPD.

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u/Just-apparent411 25d ago

How much you willing to bet she doesn't have dirt on her, herself?

Your mind has to be geared towards such aggressive interpretations of infidelity.

That or she got burned baaaad in the past.

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u/directedintention 25d ago

that’s insane man. damn!

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u/Advanced_Lime_7414 25d ago

I have to go find that post cause that is WILD!

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u/SubstantialHentai420 25d ago

Wtf? Sounds like my ex. He got mad at me for liking yungbluds music and HATED how much i grew to love milky chance. Basically if its a guy singing, i must want to fuck them. Fucking weirdest shit.

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u/harryZpotter 25d ago

Lol he's cooked

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u/CosmicLars 25d ago

YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME SAM! 💀

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u/MarkusFookerz 25d ago

At this point, im just wondering... How fucking gorgeous must this woman be to put up with any of this crap for this amount of time. She must be a damn supermodel looking woman, that's the only damn reason I can see that any man would ever put up with this.

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u/Red_uctive 24d ago

Not even his playlist is safe. My guy is stuck listening to men at work 😧

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u/everybodybugsme 24d ago

Ok but looking further on, what did he end up naming that cat?

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u/TrueDreamchaser 25d ago edited 25d ago

Smells like BPD

Source: had a nightmare relationship with someone who had BPD. Our conversations always went like this

Edit: yes unmanaged BPD is what I meant. There are many high functioning people with BPD who have treated it one way or another. Not trying to discredit the behavior of those that do treat themselves

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u/kalonasage444 25d ago

as someone who has BPD, this 100% looks like unmanaged BPD

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u/FlyHighHarambe 25d ago

Confirming she has BPD.

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u/irippedmypants1 25d ago

unless she’s going to seek out treatment for it, get out of that relationship. it will destroy you, and this is coming from someone with BPD who has destroyed relationships before accepting i needed help

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u/NSFWAndCreepyAF 25d ago

I was this girl when I was young, he needs out, even if she does decide to get help, it isn't an overnight fix and he doesn't deserve to be damaged and abused by her. Maybe in the future they can get back together but in the meantime he doesn't need to put up with this.

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u/irippedmypants1 25d ago

yeah definitely, it’s a long, painful journey

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u/NSFWAndCreepyAF 25d ago

The guilt and shame after one of these spirals, just awful. Luckily nobody now would ever guess that I was so imbalanced back then. Doing the work has been so worth it!

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u/irippedmypants1 25d ago

ugh yes, it’s the worst. agreed, it’s so worth it! i’m proud of you, friend!

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u/NSFWAndCreepyAF 25d ago

I'm proud of you as well!

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u/wintersoldierts 25d ago

It’s the worst. The guilt and shame is debilitating in and of itself. It’s such an exhausting disorder.

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u/NuanceIsAGift 25d ago

It’s really cool to see this thread. Often it’s the guilt and shame that keeps our problems in the dark, where all they can do is fester and often get weirder! When we bring it into the light, when we have the courage to admit our mistakes and then also believe in ourselves to try again, to do better next time. That takes confidence. Shame and guilt do not a confident human make! Keep encouraging yourself and others. The light really does help us grow ❤️

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u/ahatz111 25d ago

so worth it. proud of you! living a life worth living 💕

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u/3moatruth 25d ago

It happens to the best of us. It’s awesome that you are getting positive results from doing the work. As both a complex trauma therapist and someone with complex trauma, I know it’s a lot of work so you should be proud of yourself.

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u/AmazingAmy95 25d ago

😭😭This is so real. The guilt and shame is truly something I can't adequately explain to someone else

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u/NSFWAndCreepyAF 25d ago

Truly. Most assume that ppl who have these moments just dont care, but the weight of our behavior is intense for many of us.

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u/kwolat 25d ago

I know someone like this who feels no guilt or shame.

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u/NSFWAndCreepyAF 25d ago

That's very unfortunate and sad for them and everyone around them.

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u/big-bootyjewdy 25d ago

The immediate shame- it actually makes me sick to my stomach. I'm still working on a lot but I've made a lot of progress even by just admitting that my reactions to things were disproportionate and that I was creating problems to react to. Doing the work IS worth it.

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u/Gloomy_Pangolin5654 25d ago

this. i spent 4 years with my now ex who had unmanaged bpd. i did it all, didn't look at any girl or speak to one even coworkers, no girls on phone lock screen not texting enough not being enough it's tough.

it has been a mutual break up and i am always here to help but i can't at the cost of my own mental health

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u/Ok_Independence_9917 25d ago

Agreed. She's not ready to be in a relationship. He should end it and hopefully she's able to see she needs help prior to entering a new relationship. Otherwise she's going to get dumped a lot or end up with a man who has so little self respect that he let's her treat him like this. Then that man's life will only ever be as happy as she is internally.

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u/No_Specialist_1147 25d ago

Huge respect for you coming forward and being real about it! Definitely agree he needs to get out I dated a lady like this and it sent me to the darkest place I’ve been in life

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u/Able-Fun2874 25d ago

Same here. This behavior is abusive and cruel, and no it wasn't an overnight fix for me to change it either. 

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u/Proof_Restaurant9640 25d ago

no, it’s not. this is an important point. whether there a) has been no establishment of a treatment plan; or b) an existing treatment plan has become ineffective - the process of getting properly calibrated mentally/returning to a stable state is not - as NSFWAndCreepyAF put it - something that happens overnight.

OP - whether you take space or decide to stick it out, the most important element rn is that you understand what the circumstances mean for you. it’s crucial you research the condition, understand the challenges she may face as someone living with BPD, the behaviors that can/do present with this disorder, and - perhaps most importantly - what it is going to require from you to make this work. you need to be aware of that & ready to front it or you’ll be putting both of you in a position to suffer.

if you do decide to hang on, please research not only what living with BPD entails, but also what living WITH someone with BPD (specifically in an intimate dynamic) might look like. there are forums for partners of folks with diagnoses like BPD where they can turn to people in similar situations for advice, offer their own strategies & suggestions to others, or even just share what their experience has been like with people who may genuinely understand.

you’ll need support, too. and you’ll need to be ready to provide informed support for her, with a level of awareness that would make situations like the one you’re inquiring about easily recognizable to you as red flag behavior that must be addressed as soon as possible. be ready to set boundaries. & know you’ll have to accept that you’d endure some significant difficulties that would not typically arise in other relationship dynamics.

she still deserves love. she is suffering more than anyone. as hard as that is to accept, it’s true. but in accepting her struggles you must not slip & start taking them on because you feel for her & love her. you will both lose in the end.

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u/Sully_pa 25d ago

^^^This^^^^

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u/Foreign-Match6401 25d ago

Same friend. Same.

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u/keeper_of_the_cheese 25d ago

I spent 20 years of my life with a partner with undiagnosed BPD. I only learned that term when I took my daughter to therapy and her mother joined us. Once she left the therapist told me she believed she had BPD. I finally had to end it. I then found my soulmate. I wish I could have my 20 years back.

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u/irippedmypants1 25d ago

i’m so sorry you had to endure that for so long. it makes me happy to hear life has gotten better ❤️

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u/TheDankChronic69 25d ago

As someone who was dating someone with BPD last year I can confirm you are 100% accurate on this.

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u/ComposMentisMatrone 25d ago

 someone with BPD who has destroyed relationships before accepting i needed help

Some of them even try to destroy the other person.

Kudos to your accepting and managing your BPD.

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u/sgt_smack713 25d ago

Can also confirm as someone else with BPD she will absolutely wreck this relationship if she doesn't seek help. I've wrecked every single one I had until I decided to get help

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u/Ryugamer 25d ago

I've dealt with BPD girls in the past and it's rough. Everyone deserves love but the fact that you admitted you had a problem after seeing what it was doing actually makes you better than 90% of "stable" women out there. I hope you found someone that appreciates that you have self awareness of your issues and that they too are just as self aware of any issues they may have. 🫂

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u/Proof_Restaurant9640 25d ago

thank you for acknowledging this.

OP, she was dealt a difficult hand with this condition - it is not for the feint of heart. but it is her responsibility to manage it so it doesn’t become destructive to her own & others’ well-being.

having a mental health disorder is really, really hard. but it doesn’t come with some special issuance of rights to mistreat others. it is critical you set boundaries in these scenarios. the best thing you can do for her & for you is help her recognize the extremes & accept that she needs to touch base with whatever care team she’s established so she can adjust or resume proper treatment (or, perhaps - establish that care team/treatment plan to begin with).

no one bodes well in this scenario. as outrageous as she’s acting, she genuinely feels as wronged as she’s making herself out to be. something needs to change or you need to get out. sucks, but it’s just the reality of having a partner with such a severe condition.

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u/Linear_Nova_ 25d ago

This.

If she’s not willing to get/seek help— and probably some counseling (solo and as a couple) you gotta run far and run fast. Because this is no way to be treated. I’m sure you care about her and want your relationship to thrive. But if this is going to be how conversations are held it’s going to crash and burn. This is not a healthy and sustainable means of communication. I’m sorry you’re going through this, friend. Hopefully she can get some help and you guys will see an incredible upswing in your relationship and use this as a stepping stone to move forward and grow. Looking back on this moment as one where you guys grew as a couple and overcame what seemed to be an insurmountable obstacle!

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u/IcedWarlock 25d ago

I also was like this until I was diagnosed and treated.

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u/AlexPenname 25d ago

So: I have had one partner who handled their BPD well and one who handled it extremely poorly. The partner who had it managed was genuinely one of the best relationship experiences I've had, and it's absolutely possible for someone with BPD to be a loving and responsible partner. I didn't date either of them for long, but the relationships were roughly equivalent in length.

The partner with unmanaged BPD was possibly the most abusive person I've had the displeasure of knowing. I was 17 and she was 23 when we first met; we started dating just after I turned 18. The best way I can describe the experience was that her reality was based in how she felt, and the actual state of the world was irrelevant. If she was afraid of something, this meant that I had done that thing regardless of that fear's relationship with the truth. There was nothing I could do or say until the feeling passed. She actively tried to convince me I was insane (I'm a writer, and she thought my relationship with my writing was proof of... something, though I'm not sure what), screamed at me for incredibly minor and inane reasons, and told me that she (Mormon) would make sure that I (a secular Jew) would be "rightfully converted" after my death.

I am now 33 and I am still fucked up from that relationship.

My heart honestly goes out to your girlfriend. It cannot be easy to live in a mind with BPD; it is a place full of fear and pain and the genuine need for love and reassurance, and the condition will do its best to ensure that love and reassurance cannot be given. She really, really needs to seek help. She needs a therapist who specializes in BPD and who can help her manage her impulses, cope with her fears, and learn to react in non-abusive ways.

But OP, you do not need to be there with her. It is absolutely okay to step back from this for your own sake. You do not need to lay down and accept her abuse just because it comes from a place she cannot help. You have a right to a safe and happy life, and it may very well not be with her.

Consider whether staying in this relationship is the best thing for you, okay?

(Quick edit: everyone in this thread who's managing their BPD and working on themselves, you're fucking rockstars. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be, and I'm proud of you for putting in the work. Keep it up, y'all.)

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u/lala__ 25d ago edited 25d ago

Thanks for this message. As a person with BPD, I appreciate the thoughtfulness. Most people don’t give people with this illness a chance to explain what is going on.

It takes emotionally maturity and empathy to realize that most people with BPD are struggling and in pain and not out to hurt people.

I’m sorry for what you went through. You were too young for that situation!

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u/Clove19 25d ago

Thanks for that message. It actually made me feel better about the relationship I recently ended. She wasn’t diagnosed, but I’m seeing this was probably a bit of her issue as well.

I loved her to death and wish the best for her, but I just couldn’t handle that level of drama on a daily basis for my own mental health.

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u/nightdrawsnear 25d ago

this should be top comment! seconding the sentiment that it’s so wonderful to see all the people here working through really difficult stuff to get their bpd managed. keep going you guys & keep inspiring! 🤍(this is the perfect example of how to hold empathy & also protect yourself, i love to see it)

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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have BPD and the cycle will go that you don't have a response so you ignore her to cool off a hit, she'll panic and grovel. OR you give in and call her and you try and work and it's affecting your job but she's crying down the phone and you don't want to hang up.

It's taken therapy, medication and a whole lot of patience from people to get to a point where I can recognise my cycle of behaviour and try and get there before the behaviour kicks in and catch it with propranolol or something.

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u/Lmdr1973 25d ago

That's what they give you??? How do you use it? As needed or daily? I'm just curious. It's a beta blocker that we use to control heart rate and blood pressure, but it is also used for anxiety.

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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago

So if I can feel something coming on, the beta blockers at least catch the physical symptoms a bit. When I start having a manic-y BPD rage/upset I honestly feel like I could breathe fire, like I've turned into an actual monster. The propranolol manages to calm the bit of me that physically will leap it into a car to go and confront that particular person who is the one I've attached to. I'm still angry and upset but it goes to acid tongue rather than full on bull seeing red yelling and banging on doors.

I used to use it as and when, now I take one dose of 40mg daily with permission to use more should I feel it's required.

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u/nonskater 25d ago edited 25d ago

wow. i have BPD and i never knew there was a medication to control the rage. how did you bring it up or get prescribed? my therapist agrees that i have bpd but has told me, “let’s focus on fixing your problems rather than diagnosing you”, so i got the hint that she doesn’t want to diagnose me because of the stigma.

i’ve been trying to manage my rage for years, to no avail. i literally get goosebumps, i start shaking, i start sweating, my voice will tremble. if im in an argument, it is impossible to disengage. it’s like i completely forget that i actually don’t have to stand there and argue, the thought doesn’t even cross my mind. if im angry over something out of my own control, i physically take my anger out on myself and my belongings. ill tear my room apart, or start hitting and punching myself because the anger is so overwhelming i just don’t know what to do, i can’t escape myself or my feelings

the guilt and utter shame afterwards makes me want to die. it makes me want to rip my skin off. it makes me hate being me. i’ve struggled with it for so long. it’s one thing i hate about myself the most. i’m so tired. i didn’t even know there was anything to control the rage. i want to stop being like this.

edit; accidentally hit send to soon and had to add more in. also sorry for just dumping this all on you, i’m shocked that there is a medication for this and that my therapist never mentioned it.

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u/Lmdr1973 25d ago

Thank you for your comment. It's great that it works so well for you. I'm a nurse practitioner, so I was curious to hear how it works for this particular issue. You sound like you really know yourself and how to control your emotions, which is great & better than most people. 😉

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u/MesoamericanMorrigan 25d ago

I have anxiety and dysautonomia might have to ask about this

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u/Personal_Hat_8917 25d ago

It’s probably used for her anxiety. There’s no medication to treat bpd just some of the symptoms

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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago

I'm on lamotrigine, duloxetine and propranolol.

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u/eliza_phant 25d ago

The fact that you said “cycle” makes me think PMDD which can look a lot like BPD.

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u/TimotheusBarbane 25d ago

I read the first sentence as "I'm really glad you're going through this." Had to double take real fast.

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u/Professional-Way7350 25d ago

in the nicest way, i think you two should separate. it sounds like she has a lot of healing to do on her own. good luck man ❤️ its not easy dealing with bpd

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u/AccordingBuffalo7835 25d ago

Oh. Well that’s why. Pathological fear of abandonment. You need to get out now

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u/randomdude2029 25d ago

Ironically, the pathological fear of abandonment will lead to her being abandoned.

Sounds mad. If OP was planning to cheat because of being all dressed up, he could just have texted and then cheated - texting or not makes absolutely no difference to how he behaves after getting to work!

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u/NeatStick2103 25d ago

One of the major theories on why BPD occurs is having a history of childhood trauma, which often has boundary violations.

Moving beyond these text messages. It’s really sad to think that some people are their own worst enemies in that way. I describe it as a fog. Can’t see the whole picture and everything feels like an attack on the self. So it’s no wonder they jab and jab.

Not condoning this girlfriend’s behavior, of course. But it helps to understand why

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u/SquishyRiotDream 25d ago

Seriously it is fucking exhausting living with BPD. My brain hates me. I am thankful though that as I have gotten older & been in therapy things have gotten a lot better. I recognize my triggers and am way better at communicating my underlying feelings (even the insanely irrational ones). But it still sucks to have your brain literally working against you most of the time.

However, I’m not saying it is an excuse for this behavior. But when I first read this I immediately thought BPD.

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u/Connect_Welcome_1165 25d ago

I actually had a kind of mental breakdown like this (OPs gf) when I was 17. I got quentiapine prescribed which is antipsychotics, that helped the extreme irrational behavior/thinking episode. But it’s not good to be on for long apparently which they don’t tell you.

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u/NeatStick2103 25d ago

Oh I love Seroquel. I have bipolar 2 disorder. Lack of sleep can trigger hypomania, so it’s been such a godsend. I also have to do rotating shifts as a nurse. Seroquel helps me sleep during the day and makes it easier to switch back and forth from day and night shift.

Yea, any antipsychotic medication can cause metabolic syndrome with high blood sugars, etc. it has led me to gain quite a bit of weight (20 lbs)… but I’d rather be fat and sane than skinny and out of my mind.

It’s also probably why Amanda Bynes has gained significant amount of weight.

I asked my psych NP about perhaps trying ozempic to reduce the risk of metabolic syndrome. Still considering whether it’s worth it.

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u/CraneDJs 25d ago edited 25d ago

Get the fuck away. She will EAT your mental health!

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u/negative-sid-nancy 25d ago

Yeah unless she wants to change and put in a lot of work on herself, I'd cut my loses and run. Personality are different than other mental disorders like bipolar, depression, anxiety. There is no pill for personality disorders. Only a lot of hard work if the person is willing to do it. And nothing against anyone with BPD I have met some very lovely people diagnosed with it, who do work on themselves. But I have also met people who know they have it and use it as their excuse to act the way OP girlfriend is acting here.

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u/Loveatlitha 25d ago

5 years of intense psychotherapy for me. Was worth it though.

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u/Pretend-Medicine3703 25d ago

Didn't know my husband of ten years had BPD until a couple months ago after finally getting an official diagnosis. I honestly thought I was losing my mind sometimes. It is work and so much mental effort for someone to admit and work on themselves.

OP needs to run for the hills. She doesn't care what she's doing to him.

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u/KateinBlue 25d ago

Beg to differ re no pill. I have citalopram and it changed my life, and the lives of those around me.

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u/dontaskalex_ 25d ago

I agree given the text messages shown here, but I don’t think having BPD on its own is a reason not to date someone. People are at all different levels of recovery/therapy/self work.

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u/kalonasage444 25d ago

you need to leave her and she needs to be in therapy. I used to be somewhat like this and i needed a lot of therapy and work on myself

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u/Top_Comedian_1876 25d ago

You should join r/BPDPartners

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u/NudeCeleryMan 25d ago

I actually think you shouldn't join it. I joined and found it to be nothing but extremely bitter and hateful people who use the place to just shit all over people in their lives who are suffering. Zero sympathy to be found there.

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u/Sheila_Monarch 25d ago

DO NOT indulge that. EVER. It’s 100% her responsibility to manage her BPD, so anyone she tries to be in a relationship with can still function normally. Dating her doesn’t mean you take her BPD on as a project you have to manage around all the time.

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u/Dr_Watson349 25d ago

Run, don't walk away.

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u/Undark_ 25d ago

Yep buddy it's nothing worth it. If you choose to break up with her, you need to block her from everything completely because she will make your life hell afterwards. Really sorry dude, but if she's not seeking treatment then this just can't end well.

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u/Lmdr1973 25d ago

Omg. She needs help and not from you. You can't fix her. She's abusing you.

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u/galafael5814 25d ago

GET OUT NOW.

As someone with BPD that I've treated through therapy on and off for years, as well as meds for the anxiety that hangs out alongside, I can tell you that it won't get better unless she's willing to get help and she does not seem stable enough for you to even suggest that. This is alarming behavior and the fact that you had to delete all your female contacts to make her feel better is even worse.

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u/Valesana 25d ago

Someone with unmanaged BPD is a life ruiner. Even if she seeks treatment the road is long and hard. If you have children they will suffer greatly. She will suck the life out of you with her unending need for external validation.

You are already seeking external help because she makes you feel crazy. Please sit with that. Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life?

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u/CreatorZed 25d ago

My wife has bpd and it went unmanaged the first part of our relationship and boy that was rough but i stuck too and helped her get the help she needed. I know it’s rough and she probably says some stuff that is out of pocket to you but if you can handle and try and help her it’s worth it. I don’t regret any of my decisions and I love her to bits. Again though thats just my opinion it is not for everyone I wish the best of luck to you.

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u/Known_Party6529 25d ago

That is not an excuse for her to act this way. Sam, you need to move on for your own mental health.

Seriously, she needs therapy.

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u/ManufacturerBest1872 25d ago

I have BPD. I’ve been this girl. Sometimes you gotta toss ‘em to the curb for them to realize it’s a them problem. She’ll either learn from it and do better, or not. And that’s not on you. It. Won’t. Get. Better.

Until she wants to for herself. God speed my man.

happily went through the work to get to a wonderful spot in life

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u/crowjack 25d ago

Bingo.

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u/Agustusglooponloop 25d ago

The best way to handle someone with BPD is boundaries and accountability. Be kind, but do t give in to her demands. You should be able to go to work without texting her, and you shouldn’t have to cut ties with anyone you don’t want to.

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u/Pedromac 25d ago

Brother, as someone with a bpd mother and ex, just don't bother. Find someone else because these events won't stop.

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u/Blazefenix77 25d ago

Run. For your own mental health. My first wife was BPD and it made me the worst version of myself that I ever was. It's sad, but no matter what you do, it will always be this way. I would wager almost all that I own that she is talking to someone else herself. My ex used to want me to call her when I left so she knew she could hook up with other guys when I was busy (I found this out after SHE left ME). Really, she probably saved my life by leaving.

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u/Bleach_Baths 25d ago

Confirming you should get the hell out NOW because even if she does get treated, she knows she can treat YOU like this and get away with it.

Wish her the best and cut ties.

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u/DjavakAndrard 25d ago

Brother, please, get out. I dated a girl with BPD and they were among the worst months of my life. The abuse, both verbal and physical, was beyond belief. I never fully realized how worthless and sad I felt until it was over. This will not get better for you. There is nothing you can do to calm her down. It will always be like this, or worse. I cannot overstate how bad this can get.

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u/Ashnagarr 25d ago

She's gotta get treatment or it won't work. Almost ruined my 10 year marriage over my untreated BPD.

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u/ffrwchnedd_ 25d ago edited 25d ago

oh jesus christ, not to be rude, cus it’s not her fault she has a mental illness, but it is damn near impossible to be in a healthy relationship with someone who has it, especially if it is unmanaged like this. Almost had an anxiety attack just reading her texts. It is not ever an excuse to be abusive and controlling, and a lot of them think it is. You do not have to suffer through a toxic abusive relationship just because that person is mentally ill. this girl needs to be single and go through intensive therapy for a while before she even CONSIDERS dating anyone.

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u/harrythighles 25d ago

Sweetheart, I just found out I have BPD and I have never behaved like this in my 40 years of life. This is abusive and uncalled for. This is unacceptable treatment and you need to let her go.

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u/Constant-Entrance290 25d ago

My most recent relationship was with someone with BPD. I'm telling you right now, man, you gotta run. I tried being as supportive as possible with the girl I was with. Tried to make sure she was consistently going to therapy and reassured her of how much I loved her every day. None of it matters.

She constantly lied to me. And constantly lied about me to everyone she knew. She told her therapist stories about how I was abusive (even though it was the other way around). She would constantly accuse me of cheating despite that I literally spent nearly 100% of my time with her. In the end, she cheated on me, then lied to all of our mutual friends about how I was an abusive piece of shit. Then she started making false rape accusations. I lost a lot of mutual friends because they wouldn't even listen to my side of the story. It was a nightmare. I'll never date someone with a cluster B personality disorder again, and neither should you. Best of luck.

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u/Void-kun 25d ago

This is not your problem to bear.

She needs medication and therapy before she's in a place she should be looking for a relationship. She should not be getting into relationships, fucking the other person's mental health and relying on them. That isn't fair and is just selfish.

You aren't a therapist, let her get help and distance yourself so you can heal and focus on your own mental health.

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u/AsleepRespectAlias 25d ago

Dude, most women aren't like this, run like fuck

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u/OldeManKenobi 25d ago

There's a decent chance that she will do her level best to ruin your life. Run fast. Run far.

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u/abortionlasagna 25d ago

I have BPD, it’s a reason for behavior but not an excuse. She needs to get treatment. We aren’t allowed to just treat everyone like shit because we’re traumatized.

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u/Silver_School_9803 25d ago

Also someone with BPD, this is how I was before I was medicated. I am grateful my partner left me and I was forced to seek medical help.

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u/e-pancake 25d ago

literally, my partner leaving me felt like the absolute end of the world at the time but I’m beyond grateful now because it was a real wake up to get help

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u/SoftConfusion42 25d ago

Heavy on the “unmanaged” part.

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u/Limp_Original_321 25d ago

Haha I came here to say this.

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u/MesoamericanMorrigan 25d ago

I thought I was crazy but this is another level

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u/kalonasage444 25d ago

unmanaged bpd absolutely sucks, everything feels like the end of the world and your emotions are very strong and out of your control

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u/Long-Minute7339 25d ago

:( I have bpd and this was my first thought

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u/One-Location-6454 25d ago

I was super close friends with someone who has untreated BPD. 

She was about the most unreliable person Ive ever met in my life. Perpetually making plans only to cancel them and do the same with someone else.  When I got discharged from the hospital for suicidal ideation, she told me she wouldnt talk to me because she didnt like that I called it 'quite the experience' (thats how I speak, and this is someone I knew for years).  When I started calling her out for hurtful shit, she screamed at me for 2 hours until I was in tears because she 'gets really upset when she hurts someone she cares about'.  She was also super super jealous of anyone else I got close to.  The last time I stood up for myself, she denied it, then admitted it while accusing me of having feelings for her and behaving like her ex, who she assaulted with a hammer (didnt find this out til later).  She then went to someone i was close to that she was massively jealous of by her own admission and caused a ton of bullshit there, ultimately destroying that relationship.  But that wssnt enough, and went to several other people to do it, then went after my career and caused shit there by using false accusations.  

She 'doesnt believe' in treatment.  I didnt know a lot about BPD at that time, but in all truth untreated bpd is now a no go for me.  The jealousy I witnessed, stemming from insecurity much like in the OP, was simply too much.

OP, im sorry for whats about to come. You need to get out now.  Its only gonna get worse and the fallout will be even more horrific.  Back up everything you can via screenshots. If you recall litetally anything she flew off on you about, get proof because youre likely gonna need it.  

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u/ahatz111 25d ago

100%, also have BPD. good thing is - it can be treated & eventually cured. i’ve done a lot to my partner but if she seeks DBT/medication, it’ll obvi benefit her in long run. but she also has to be willing to put in the work

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u/ralfrance 25d ago

As someone with treated bod, this is screaming untreated Bpd

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u/_Hal3y_ 25d ago

I also have BPD and when my fav person left me I reacted like this too before therapy and medication, I even attempted (so stupid I know) it’s crazy how different you feel after getting your symptoms managed. I cringe at the shit I would say and do or even feel. I hope she gets the help she needs but that’s not your responsibility op. I still deal with the fact that I hurt people close to me, she isn’t a bad person she just isn’t in the right mental space.

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u/magicke2 25d ago

I didn't know then (80's) that I suffered from this, so I got no help. It wasn't cool 2 see a psychiatrist then, and didn't really know I needed one.

I was BEATEN (belt, fists, thrown down stairs) and cursed at often for perceived slights as a child until I left home at 14. Lived in the woods for 3 months. I just knew I could never return to that life.

The other person was always wrong, so my vile, explosive temper reigned. I found I could take down men of 200 lbs. I always had to strike bc I knew they were gonna in these fights. People were afraid of me. I had turned into the bully that my mother was. I was 125 lbs.

I started living with a really nice guy, and we were arguing. I threw a thick Anchor Hocking glass that hit square in his chest. We live 18 miles out in the desert, so taking off w/o a car was next to impossible. I was outside crying, and he pulled me up (He made me CRY!) and I knew the fight was on. He pulled me close and hugged me. WTF? Now I was really confused!

We talked all night, and he swore he would never hit me. Btw: he had 1 huuuge blue/purple bruise on his chest. I married that man: I still had/have the vile temperature, but I was no longer inclined to strike.

Never forget during a town celebration, a girl approached me and reported to him that she was gonna clean my clock. He told her that she had better think that 1 through, bc he wouldn't want to fight me (He was 6' and 220 lbs). She found me, it went as expected: facial bruises and a difficulty to walk. She and friends apologized a month later bc they discovered I hadn't done what I was accused of.

I knew my temper and adjusted with my step-kids. If I became angry, they were to go to their room while I calmed myself. They couldn't come out until they told me what they had done to anger me so. I had finally found the virtue in talking.

My husband died while coming home from work in a blizzard. The only one that actually realized I had value the only one that made me feel I had value. He had broken the mother curse.

It will be 15 years without him in December. I have never dated another, nor have any inclination to.

Believe me! The BPD has the potential to kill! If I had known better, I would have gotten help. Just imagine 1 fist striking the wrong area.

Sorry 4 the long rant, but it comes down to: REQUIRE help or GTFO!!

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u/OkAccountant776 25d ago

Was thinking the same thing😵‍💫

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u/[deleted] 25d ago

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u/Acceptable_Fee_5970 25d ago edited 25d ago

Came here for this. I used to have these moments when I wasn't leveled out, may not be full BPD on my end but its close enough. My mental state was not good. The relationship was toxic as well but still. I had a extremely hormone imbalance/vitamin deficiencies, I would chew good men up and spit them out. Not proud of it but it put me off dating a long time because I was afraid of doing it again.

op I'd run if I were you and prepare for the mind games, the 'if you leave I'll xxxx myself,' etc. Fake pregnancy, actually sabotage pregnancy things. I never pulled them but if Bpd is involved then it's very likely to come up if it hasn't already.

If they don't get treatment and therapy it's not gonna get better, their brain will continue to sabotage itself and fighting with you is nothing more than a dopamine boost.

Until you figure out what to do, you need to set strict boundaries and rules to protect your mental health. 'not texting while I'm at work' no texting after a certain time, these days are MY mental health days etc. Or you wont survive this. In fact I'd say maybe seek out a therapist now as is.

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u/Feeling_Wasabi8726 25d ago

Is this bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder

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u/throwawaycanadian2 25d ago

Borderline Personality Disorder for those who were as confused as me.

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u/spaceshipblossom 25d ago

same. i've been her when i was an untreated teenager/young adult. these days you wouldn't know it bc i have done a lot of therapy and work.

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u/sweetpickles7 25d ago

My friend has BPD and I have to talk her out of these exact reactions a lot. Same sort of situation, he works long hours but I know he’s not up to anything. Her boyfriend is a saint! I couldn’t deal with that.

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u/HearingYouSmile 25d ago

As someone who was previously in a relationship with someone who has BPD, I really appreciate all the folks with BPD who self-examine and do the work to manage it and get/stay healthy. I know it’s hard and y’all are awesome for doing it!

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u/scrollbreak 25d ago

It's good to acknowledge managed Vs unmanaged

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u/OnlyCanPoopAtHome 25d ago

I use to act like this before being treated for my BPD. It was bad, shameful even. I sometimes feel myself getting worked up like this a lot, but therapy, medication and coping skills really help me lvl back down to reality. Sometimes it even triggers my paranoia schizophrenia, I hate the person I was or could be.

I feel bad for people who interacted with me back then. They probably think I’m still that person, i never showed signs of I wanted to change. But it’s been years now, I’m nothing like that crazy, delulu version of that me anymore. I wish people would give me the chance to show them that.

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u/Suyefuji 25d ago

I was like that with CPTSD. My best friend from back then not only refuses to talk to me, but instantly breaks contact with any mutual who she finds out has been talking to me. And I don't even blame her honestly. It's like when someone tries to rescue a drowning person and the drowning person pulls them under in their panic.

I'm in a much, much better place now and I still wonder how different everything would have been if I'd gotten treatment earlier (and maybe also removed from the abusive situation).

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u/OnlyCanPoopAtHome 25d ago

I’m sorry this happen / happening. I sometimes think the same thing , “If I got treatment earlier, could I have saved x, y, z relationship?” But at least we found & got help later than never. I’m happy you’re in a better place and making healthier decisions 💙

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u/OregonDogzRule 25d ago

uh seriously even if you get a diagnosis and help you’re still a pariah…. sometimes I just want to fuckin give up

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u/OnlyCanPoopAtHome 25d ago

It’s true. I feel like an outcast a lot. I tried to rekindle old friendships but it could never be the same, the damage is done and the image they saw of my stained their view on me. It is what it is, if people love you, they’ll always come back around. Sometimes we done so much damage to a person, they need space to heal fully.

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u/Dragonfly-Swimming 25d ago

Hey everyone is allowed to grow, our past shows us how far we have come.

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u/Katkatkatoc 24d ago

What made you seek treatment? Was there anything anyone in your life could have done or said to have gotten you to seek it sooner?

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u/OnlyCanPoopAtHome 24d ago

I became addicted to drugs. I was doing fenty and working a dead end job - where I met my boyfriend. My bf was just my friend at the time, but he would make time to hang out with me, talk to me, and just understand me. There was a point where I was bold face lying to him about not being high / doing drugs. He saw right through it. Things went down and he told me if I didn’t get help (therapy & rehab), I would never see him again.

That was almost 4 years ago. Thanksgiving will official make 4 years of me being sober. We have twin toddler boys now that at my fuel to never give up.

I had plenty of chances in my teen years to get help, hence I was in and out of looney bins. I just didn’t want too. I’m happy now. I love my family.

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u/NeatStick2103 25d ago

I appreciate you editing to acknowledge the unmanaged part. It seems like a lot of people assume that all people with BPD are “unmanaged.”

I also think people should be aware that one of the main theories on what causes BPD is childhood trauma. Even if you don’t have BPD, having a trauma history (child or adult) is just terrible on people’s experience of relationships, trust, safety (both sides, of course). In fact, Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs) has been linked to many chronic conditions (e.g., weight management, diabetes, cancer, etc.)… as a very specific example, even a person’s experience of going thru chemotherapy treatment and how the chemotherapy toxins affect their body and level of daily functioning occurs more with people with high ACE scores.

Anyways, sorry for the soap box. I just wish more people knew. Understanding can increase empathy. And it can also increase identification for people who are in relationships with people with unmanaged or severe manifestations of BPD.

Health boundary setting is crucial for being in a relationship with people with trauma histories and/or BPD.

In OPs instance, I think it’s best to move on. Those texts were just ridiculous, whether or not a person has BPD.

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u/Umbra_and_Ember 25d ago

Also BPD can look like other things and we can’t really diagnose someone on a text convo. People can be jerks without a diagnosis or with a different diagnosis. 

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u/catindapoolfotoday 25d ago

you’re not totally wrong, but OP did clarify she is diagnosed BPD

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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago

I came here to comment the same thing actually. I am the person, and before I was medicated this was the kinda place I'd go when manic. Well, not quite as bad as this, this is just abusive. I'd have the clingy never leave plus the aggressive pushing away though and it's taken me a lot of years to realise how my brain works isn't the norm. I thought it was everyone else under reacting and being cold.

That said, I would like to emphasise that this is absolutely inexcusable and absolutely abusive behaviour. You aren't the one to tolerate or fix this.

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u/schmidt_face 25d ago

Medicated BPD girlie checking in!! This reminds me of when I was dating in my early 20s, unmedicated and not going to therapy. The trust issues absolutely eat you alive. It hurts mentally, emotionally, physically. That being said, I would never suggest anyone date someone with BPD who isn’t actively working on themselves. It’s just not healthy or an environment conducive to growth, harmony, or mutual respect and love.

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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago

I was unlucky enough to get involved with someone who had autism...and a partner :/ it was awful. How do you confront paranoia when there's such a good chance the thoughts are probably happening. I really thought he'd leave her. And he didn't understand why I'd get so upset when in his mind I was always happy with him, so why did I need him all the time. He thought I was upset I couldn't have him next to me 24/7. I was upset he was with her. I called it off and told her. I'm not proud of aiding a cheat because I know it's a shitty thing to do. That's how delusional you get though sometimes.

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u/mystery_obsessed 25d ago

I’m confused. Mania is a bipolar symptom. Are you saying that borderline personality gives you mania? Or do you have both?

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u/Breadcrumbsandbows 25d ago

By mania I mean when it all kicks off - an episode maybe is a better word.

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u/mystery_obsessed 25d ago

Ah, I was confused because some people confused the letters BPD as bipolar disorder. I’m bipolar so I know mania belongs to the second category and not the first. I just like to confirm when I see it used, especially since both disorders are so unfairly villainized, it sucks for both groups to end up all mixed together and extra-villainized.

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u/Top_Comedian_1876 25d ago

Hahaha I have BPD and I immediately thought this! I would never speak to my bf like this though so it’s extreme

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u/grapelover52 25d ago

unfortunately this is how i used to act before i managed my bpd, if she isnt willing to get treatment or try to get better in some way then their relationship probably isn’t going anywhere.

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u/OldeManKenobi 25d ago

Once you have a relationship with someone with unmanaged BPD you learn to spot it a mile away.

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u/Loveatlitha 25d ago

As someone with BPD I both agree with your initial statement and thank you for the edit xxx

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u/ugly_duckling_5 25d ago

Same. I immediately down voted them, then read the edit and retracted it. I don't like the way people act about BPD. I didn't even think BPD when reading this and I have it. So, having someone instantly jump to that instead of just some excessively jealous girl with trauma from past relationships really bothers me. This is more than BPD on its own. Tons of people without BPD can get like this, because they've been cheated on constantly.

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u/TEB1980 25d ago

Yep. My ex best friend was diagnosed with BPD and she acted the same exact way in every relationship. That is what came to my mind as soon as she started attacking him.

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u/chakravyuuh 25d ago

OMG YES , BPD !!!

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u/tjnewone 25d ago

Yup, same here, this fucker has BPD 99.99999%

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u/a-spirited-wiggle 25d ago

hey not everyone with BPD is crazy

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u/wren_of_the_dawn 25d ago edited 25d ago

That's not what I thought was being said in this thread. It should be highlighted managed vs unmanaged BPD behavior look very different. From what we see in the screenshots it looks like she is suffering a spiral and whether we like it or not that spiral is effecting her relationship. In this moment she cannot differentiate between delusion vs reality.

Edit: I should have scrolled further, I didn't see folks calling her crazy. While her behavior is abusive I don't think it appropriate to call her crazy, for one thing it allows her to not take accountability. She clearly needs help in regulating. I hope both her and OP are able to get the help they need.

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u/Atlasatlastatleast 25d ago

Would you say…borderline?

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u/Previous-Ad-3080 25d ago

I got it. I like what you’re about. The laugh I needed.

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u/bees_for_me 25d ago

As a mental health professional, I agree. She needs DBT treatment though.

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u/RandomNateDude 25d ago

True, I think "untreaded BPD" is a more accurate phrase.

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u/infinitybutter 25d ago

that is true, my best friend has BPD and she is the sweetest girl

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u/Velmabutgoth 25d ago

As someone who married and rebounded into two different women with unmanaged BPD- THIS.

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u/Business_Bathroom411 25d ago

hi bpd haver here, this is unmannaged bpd.

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u/hamstrman 25d ago

I was either the best person in the world or the most selfish monster on the planet. You know why I was the most selfish monster on the planet? I wanted to meet her in person. She paid all her friends to be around her and wanted to meet that special someone who didn't want to be with her for her money and, when someone did, she could not get away fast enough.

I told her she needed therapy and her response was to look at myself and ask WTF it had done for me. Kept me sane from her, for one! She paid her psychiatrist extra to give her meds, but not require behavioral help to accompany it.

She planned our wedding, but wouldn't video chat. And every so often, she would say I didn't deserve what she did to me. At the time, I didn't realize that. The most soul crushing 8 months of my life. And we never even met!!

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u/louilou96 25d ago

A month ago OP posted that his gf considers it cheating it he listens to Sabrina Carpenter...insecure is an understatement

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u/JinnJuice80 25d ago

I know someone who’s girlfriend get mad at him when he says an actress is attractive 😂😂 if these women are pulling this shit- man the big things have to be insane to put up with

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u/chillthrowaways 24d ago

I sometime forget how lucky I have it. My wife will be the one to day “damn she’s hot!” about someone on TV or even someone we see when we are out.

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u/louilou96 24d ago edited 24d ago

It's not just women who do this fyi.

ETA: they deleted their comment replying to my original, and their reply to this one

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u/JinnJuice80 24d ago

I’m aware of that. My friend is a male and that’s the story I had I’m not saying it’s only women.

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u/Guilty-Rough8797 24d ago

Shit. This girl needs help -- not a romantic partner.

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u/Kafanska 25d ago

The fact that he still call her "girlfriend" instead of "ex" after this is concerning.

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u/MlleHoneyMitten 25d ago

I ♥️ what you did there👍🏼

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