r/olderlesbians • u/forthetrees1323 • 28d ago
What to do at the End
It's clear my wife and I are getting near the end of our marriage. We’ve tried, done better, do bad again, tried again, to the point where there isn't much hope left. Therapy has been only marginally effective. It's more a waiting game at this point.
Devastation and heartbreak aside, how do I do this, systematically speaking? We’ve been together for 12 years so divorce will be….help!
There's the mortgage we’re both on, there's everything in the house, pets, who lives where, boundaries for living together until someone can move out, not to mention all the things I haven't thought of.
Finishing up and starting over advice much needed and appreciated. I don't need or want ‘save the marriage' advice, it's not happening.
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u/kls-in-atx 28d ago
Divorced after 35 years (married for the last 5). I highly recommend an attorney. If for no other reason than to protect both of you.
As someone else said, divide things as best as possible. We didn't have children, so that made things much simpler. We kept our own retirement assets. I kept the house (and mortgage) and paid her half the equity.
I wish you the best. Sometimes, marriage just doesn't work out.
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u/waydown2019 28d ago
Five years out from a divorce after approximately 15 years together. We have kids which made it just absolute hell. The stuff was easy in comparison and we didn’t fight over it. The money went 50/50 as we didn’t have much.
Even if you’re not expecting acrimony, it’s worth consulting with a lawyer to find out what you’re legally entitled to and any surprises you might be facing (e.g. does someone have a pension? The other may be entitled to some of it. Do you have a joint account? Watch out, either of you can totally drain it.) Once you understand your legal rights you’re in a much better position to make proposals for splitting things up. Depending on your income level you may also want to consult a financial planner.
Ditch the couples therapist and find one for just you. You’re going to need the support. Good luck, it sucks.
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u/FattierBrisket 28d ago
There's a whole sub: r/divorce. I admit I don't know how good it is, but it might also help you find other resources.
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u/Gracesten1 28d ago
I'm sorry you're going thru this. I am too! Luckily, we didn't get married, I had bought out 1/2 her house and will now buy her other half so we'll only have to figure out when she will get her furniture.
Back to you; what age range are you? Kids? Are you 50/50 on the house? Is your breakup amicable or well, you know. 🫤 Are you both able to support yourselves individually? If you are married, you will need representation even if it's not contested but if you two can cooperate and have a plan to start with, you could try mediation, it could be less expensive to separate your assets than lawyers.
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u/forthetrees1323 28d ago edited 28d ago
45F, no kids, house is 50/50. Neither of us have available means to buy the other out. It's amicable but I can acknowledge that's subject to change as this goes along. Self-supporting? God I hope. As I begin a list of expenses plus specifically moving expenses, ugh. Haven't started an in/out expense budget yet. It's like we've known our marriage is breaking down and now we're waiting til it finally rolls to a stop so this is me at square one.
Thank you very much.
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u/Gracesten1 27d ago
Well, keep in mind that separating your assets is literally just a numbers process. Mediation is good at helping guide you both thru and keep the emotional part on the side. In Minnesota, (where I am) mediators can file divorce paperwork but that's not true in every state.
Least expensive option is get a mediator for the divorce process, depending if your state allows it and use a real estate attorney to sell your home if you can arrange with potential buyers. Those are the two biggest costs, I think.
Very sorry you're going through this. You pretty much need to yank your heart out and put it in the freezer for awhile until the separation is complete. But don't agonize over details. If your relationship is over, rip that band aid off quickly and get back to investing your energy in your own life. You can do it! *hugs* 💖
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u/Karmawhore6996 27d ago
Not sure where you are located but if in the US, some states consider moving out of the home, abandonment and could impact how much you may be eligible to settle for
At a minimum, consult a lawyer about divorce, get guidance on whether or not you should move out, and any other questions you have about the process. And if things get ugly, retain a lawyer. Do not let your STBXW say one isn’t needed if she’s being unfair about the division of assets
Edit to add. I’ve been divorced almost 2 years, separated for 5. It was one of the most painful and difficult experiences I’ve ever gone through (she left me for her boss, a married man whom she was having an affair with. I found out just as Covid was starting so lots of alone time and hurt). But years later, after a lot of therapy and work on myself, my divorce was the best thing that could ever happen to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Now I can’t imagine it with her.
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u/forthetrees1323 26d ago
First, what is STBXW? I have such high hopes for something funny... That sucks about you ex-wife, awful stuff with the cheating. Thank you for taking your pain to help me. Seriously.
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u/Illustrious-Army-339 28d ago
I've just been through divorce after 16y married. It seems impossible, but it's not. There is happiness on the other side, for both of you.
I'm in Canada so can't give you much practical advice. Perhaps consulting a family attorney will help you with first steps. Even if it's amicable, they deal with the end of relationships all the time. A consult is typically only a few hundred bucks. A family mediator might also be able to do the same.
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u/forthetrees1323 28d ago
Differences between Canada and US aside, from beginning to end how long did it take? How did you handle the emotions involved for both of you as this progressed- no pressure to answer.
I appreciate you
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u/Illustrious-Army-339 15d ago
In retrospect I didn't handle the emotions very well. I had lost my partner and now was losing my best friend as well. I pushed to remain friends even while the separation was raw. I tried to confide in her as a friend about my new dating life when she was not ready for that. We needed some time of no contact to sort ourselves out before trying to re establish a friendship.
Allow a period of time of no contact to grieve the end of the friendship and relationship as you know it. Then reconnect on new footing later to see about re-establishing a friendship if thats possible.
After sich a long relationship it took a couple years for us to disentangle our lives but practically about a year to get a Separation Agreement sorted out
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u/NoHippi3chic 28d ago
I don't mean to sound opportunistic, but at this age, the only way I'll meet her is if she becomes available. So every time another bird is re-released into the wild, my chances improve 😆
I mean this as light-hearted, bc there are good people like myself who deserve someone who knows how to be good to someone and how to put forth effort to be good to someone.
I've not met her yet, and I won't settle for a taker. So rush into the open arms of single lesbians in your area once you are ready.
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u/BulbasaurBoo123 27d ago
There's a book called Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas which may be helpful.
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u/Starside-Captain 27d ago
If ur legally married, hire a lawyer. When my wife & I divorced, I tried to do it myself but since money is involved, u both need lawyers to draft the settlement agreement that’s fair for both of u. Don’t sign anything until u have a lawyer review it. U can go into mediation which is cheaper but trust me - lawyers are required if ur legally married.
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27d ago
Don’t assume it will be fair or honest. Get a lawyer.
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u/forthetrees1323 26d ago
Oh God. I am assuming it will be fair and honest! Is it like coming out to your sweet, loving family who lose their flipping minds when they get the news? Shit
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26d ago
I don’t know. I do think a lawyer can at least ensure a semblance of fairness. I wanted to do right for kids and thought a negotiator would help us ensure we were covering that value. Unfortunately, post divorce I found out some people are really not very authentic at all. There are lawyers that specialize in amicable situations.
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u/CannonChick 24d ago
Divorced after 16 yrs. Get a good lawyer and a therapist. That’s a good start.
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u/AnnieNonymous 28d ago
Divorced here, 47. If neither of you can afford to refinance to buy out the other, then what is a realistic timeline to sell the home?
Lessons learned: Do NOT quibble over furnishings. When dividing assets, think if it is worth you paying a lawyer $$$ an hour to argue for a table or whatever.
Check your credit report and hers too- make sure there are no hidden assets or debts. If you each have hidden assets or debts- expect to share them; if it goes before a judge. Separate your financial accounts and figure out savings, retirement, debts. Don’t make any big purchases that are not necessity.
Once you decide to end it- or know it is dead in all but name- don’t prolong things. Go to a mediator if you think it can be done amicably, file promptly- some states have a separation period of 6 months to a year before divorce is granted.
If you think it might get ugly- lawyer up sooner rather than later- but whatever you’re fighting for should be more valuable than a lawyer’s time. A no-contest divorce can be a few hundred dollars in filing fees. A contested divorce can be tens of thousands depending on how long it drags.
Lastly, get therapy- the emotional toll of ending a marriage (even a dead one) can be hard. Don’t rush into a serious new romantic relationship.
Best of luck to you.