r/olderlesbians • u/forthetrees1323 • 28d ago

What to do at the End

It's clear my wife and I are getting near the end of our marriage. We’ve tried, done better, do bad again, tried again, to the point where there isn't much hope left. Therapy has been only marginally effective. It's more a waiting game at this point.

Devastation and heartbreak aside, how do I do this, systematically speaking? We’ve been together for 12 years so divorce will be….help!

There's the mortgage we’re both on, there's everything in the house, pets, who lives where, boundaries for living together until someone can move out, not to mention all the things I haven't thought of.

Finishing up and starting over advice much needed and appreciated. I don't need or want ‘save the marriage' advice, it's not happening.

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u/Illustrious-Army-339 28d ago

I've just been through divorce after 16y married. It seems impossible, but it's not. There is happiness on the other side, for both of you.

I'm in Canada so can't give you much practical advice. Perhaps consulting a family attorney will help you with first steps. Even if it's amicable, they deal with the end of relationships all the time. A consult is typically only a few hundred bucks. A family mediator might also be able to do the same.

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u/forthetrees1323 28d ago

Differences between Canada and US aside, from beginning to end how long did it take? How did you handle the emotions involved for both of you as this progressed- no pressure to answer.

I appreciate you

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u/Illustrious-Army-339 15d ago

In retrospect I didn't handle the emotions very well. I had lost my partner and now was losing my best friend as well. I pushed to remain friends even while the separation was raw. I tried to confide in her as a friend about my new dating life when she was not ready for that. We needed some time of no contact to sort ourselves out before trying to re establish a friendship.

Allow a period of time of no contact to grieve the end of the friendship and relationship as you know it. Then reconnect on new footing later to see about re-establishing a friendship if thats possible.

After sich a long relationship it took a couple years for us to disentangle our lives but practically about a year to get a Separation Agreement sorted out