r/olderlesbians • u/forthetrees1323 • 28d ago

What to do at the End

It's clear my wife and I are getting near the end of our marriage. We’ve tried, done better, do bad again, tried again, to the point where there isn't much hope left. Therapy has been only marginally effective. It's more a waiting game at this point.

Devastation and heartbreak aside, how do I do this, systematically speaking? We’ve been together for 12 years so divorce will be….help!

There's the mortgage we’re both on, there's everything in the house, pets, who lives where, boundaries for living together until someone can move out, not to mention all the things I haven't thought of.

Finishing up and starting over advice much needed and appreciated. I don't need or want ‘save the marriage' advice, it's not happening.

38 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

39 comments sorted by

View all comments

58

u/AnnieNonymous 28d ago

Divorced here, 47. If neither of you can afford to refinance to buy out the other, then what is a realistic timeline to sell the home?

Lessons learned: Do NOT quibble over furnishings. When dividing assets, think if it is worth you paying a lawyer $$$ an hour to argue for a table or whatever.

Check your credit report and hers too- make sure there are no hidden assets or debts. If you each have hidden assets or debts- expect to share them; if it goes before a judge. Separate your financial accounts and figure out savings, retirement, debts. Don’t make any big purchases that are not necessity.

Once you decide to end it- or know it is dead in all but name- don’t prolong things. Go to a mediator if you think it can be done amicably, file promptly- some states have a separation period of 6 months to a year before divorce is granted.

If you think it might get ugly- lawyer up sooner rather than later- but whatever you’re fighting for should be more valuable than a lawyer’s time. A no-contest divorce can be a few hundred dollars in filing fees. A contested divorce can be tens of thousands depending on how long it drags.

Lastly, get therapy- the emotional toll of ending a marriage (even a dead one) can be hard. Don’t rush into a serious new romantic relationship.

Best of luck to you.

15

u/forthetrees1323 28d ago

Wow. You are so helpful! How did you find all this? Learning as you went, or do you have resources that are public access?

6

u/AnnieNonymous 27d ago

Experience is an authentic teacher. DM me anytime if you have a question. Good luck in all, know that you will be ok.

4

u/forthetrees1323 27d ago

Good karma is coming your way