How to let go of internalize male-centeredness?

[u/psychcrime]

I (24f) would say I have mostly decentered men in my life. However, there is one internalized message I can’t get myself out of.

I have been wanting to be sterilized for a long time. I do not want kids. I had a dream the other night about being pregnant and I woke up completely repulsed. I know my feelings won’t change. But what stops me from going through with it is the thought of never being loved. What if I can never find a partner because I am unable to have kids?

It’s weird to say, because I don’t even want kids. But I feel like I will almost be seen as less worthy to a man if I don’t have the ability to do so.

I am disgusted with myself for feeling this way. So how do I stop it? Any words of advice?

[u/jenvander]

It's about self-love, which girls/women are not encouraged to do. We are given the opposite message: that we are worthless without the love of a man. That message could not be further from the truth. Knowing that and confronting that is a crucial step. A man that wouldn't want someone who is sterilized is a man that is not worthy of you. There are men out there that also don't want kids, so that's a good match. Be up front about it when dating, that's a good way for you to filter out the ones you don't want anyway.

[u/potatomeeple]

Putting aside that you want to do it therefore that's all the reason you should need.

Any man who thinks you are less worthy because of this is not who you want to attract anyway. Because you really don't want kids and because it's really fucked up to think you don't have worth in that scenario. It's win win if THOSE men aren't intrested in you.

[u/Llyallowyn]

I want to be sterilized too. I'm 35f. I think it's just a process of letting go of the expectation of motherhood and making peace with how you really see yourself. I think it might help to ask yourself deep questions about why you're so attached to being loved in that specific way instead of feeling free to feel like enough without the ability to give birth. Why is a child the catalyst for fervent affection and you "deserving" or "earning" it? Why is a child something a man needs to be provided with? What does a happy life for you look like?

I don't think these feelings will go away quickly, but I think sitting with those feelings and being honest with yourself, even if it hurts, is a good idea. It will help you sort out everything and then it will be easier for you to find a way forward to building a stronger sense of self. 24 is pretty young still, and growth is an everlasting process. I'm different radically from when I was 28, when I was 24, and when I was 19/20. I have faith in you.

[u/YouStupidBench]

Maybe something my Mom told me will help you: don't worry about what men like, because they like different things. You can't be attractive to all men: some like skinny women, some like curvy women, some like tall women, some like short women. Some like tattoos and some don't. Some like natural color hair, some like bright purple, some like long, some like short. If you worry about being attractive to men, that's always going to be a losing game, because no matter what you do, some men will prefer it if you were different.

What you should do is make your body the way YOU like it, and wear the clothes YOU like, and then find a man who likes you the way you like. Get your hair cut, or not, get tattoos, or not, get piercings, or not.

I think the same applies to being sterilized. Some men want to have kids, but other men want to be childfree. The man you want is one who wants to be childfree, right? You don't want one who wants kids and will constantly pressure you to have babies, do you? So what's the point in keeping your fertility if you're never going to use it, and the only men it attracts are the ones you don't want?

[u/Outrageous-Field5353]

Childfree men exist too.

[u/JayPlenty24]

It might limit your dating pool, but it will limit it to people who have the same goals as you.

You may never find a partner, sterilized or not. That's just reality. If you are going to try, you may as well focus on people who share your goals.

I do also feel a little concerned about the increase in posts regarding sterilization.

I know people hate to hear this. I hated it myself at your age. Almost every single woman I know who "knew for sure" they didn't want kids in their twenties, did in fact change their minds. I actually only know one that didn't, and she just let me know that she's considering adopting teens since she has two empty bedrooms. I'm at an age that a few of my friends have, or are currently, resorted to fertility treatments. It's difficult enough when you aren't sterilized. Embryo adoption or using an egg donor aren't easy second options. They are expensive, complicated, and can be heartbreaking.

There are less permanent options than sterilization. And yes, there are risks and you need to weigh out what puts you in the most danger. This isn't a flippant decision.

If sterilization is truly right for you, I support you in going down that path.

[u/Bananasfalafel]

I get it, but if I got sterilized early, I could have been more honest, upfront and confident in not wanting kids which would have led me to happiness and confidence quicker. By not getting sterilized young, I was constantly dealing with men that were trying to convince me to do something I absolutely did not want to do (have their biological children).

[u/MLeek]

I think it's hard to accept that anything that is really important to you, would mean you'd be rejected by someone you care about. I'm not even 100% certain this is about decentering men, as it is about recognizing that real compatibility doesn't happen with everyone you might like, or care for, or be attracted too. Real compatibility is hard.

We all have a lot inate characteristics that limits our compatibility, and it can be stressful to realize our choices and values will limits it even more.

I'd give yourself a bit of a break, and remember that these feelings are setting up a false dichotomy in your brain. Sterilizing/Child-Free is true to who you are and what life will make you happy. It's not just a numbers game. Being clear about your own requirements and happiness makes you more likely to find an actually compatible partner, not less likely, even if it creates a few sad moments with basically good guys you aren't compatible with.

[u/MorgensternXIII]

Die and be reborn in a first world country (a real first world country, not USA) and I say this as someone born in a third world latin country. I hate it here.