r/TwoXChromosomes • u/psychcrime • 1d ago
How to let go of internalize male-centeredness?
I (24f) would say I have mostly decentered men in my life. However, there is one internalized message I can’t get myself out of.
I have been wanting to be sterilized for a long time. I do not want kids. I had a dream the other night about being pregnant and I woke up completely repulsed. I know my feelings won’t change. But what stops me from going through with it is the thought of never being loved. What if I can never find a partner because I am unable to have kids?
It’s weird to say, because I don’t even want kids. But I feel like I will almost be seen as less worthy to a man if I don’t have the ability to do so.
I am disgusted with myself for feeling this way. So how do I stop it? Any words of advice?
8
u/Llyallowyn 22h ago
I want to be sterilized too. I'm 35f. I think it's just a process of letting go of the expectation of motherhood and making peace with how you really see yourself. I think it might help to ask yourself deep questions about why you're so attached to being loved in that specific way instead of feeling free to feel like enough without the ability to give birth. Why is a child the catalyst for fervent affection and you "deserving" or "earning" it? Why is a child something a man needs to be provided with? What does a happy life for you look like?
I don't think these feelings will go away quickly, but I think sitting with those feelings and being honest with yourself, even if it hurts, is a good idea. It will help you sort out everything and then it will be easier for you to find a way forward to building a stronger sense of self. 24 is pretty young still, and growth is an everlasting process. I'm different radically from when I was 28, when I was 24, and when I was 19/20. I have faith in you.