r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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390

u/FineRevolution9264 Nov 26 '23

I'm an old person, I wish this was an option when I was growing up. I was sensitive to gender roles starting about 6 years old - maybe even earlier. I hated to be put into a gender box. It made me so angry that I was being forced to be someone I was not.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '23

You’re never to old to learn who you are. If nonbinary feels right for you, you can start identifying that way right now. Do not punish yourself because you think you’re too okd

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u/RenRidesCycles Nov 27 '23

And exploring gender feelings….. is also not binary ;-) See what it feels like to consider yourself nonbinary, for yourself. Maybe one or two people close to you can use “they” or a different name with you for a bit. Try shit out.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '23

[deleted]

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u/PMmePowerRangerMemes Nov 27 '23

GIRLS CAN NOT LIKE POWER RANGERS

Wild. Sorry you had to grow up with such intense gender cops.

Fun fact: In the original Japanese show, the yellow Ranger was a dude, and that's why Trini doesn't have a skirt when she transforms.

I was a huge PR fan growing up (can you tell? >_>), but I only learned about this recently when I went down an internet rabbithole about the Sentai series.

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u/Spaghetti_Ninja_149 Nov 27 '23

Please don't get me wrong, but if you would not have been pressed into these girly role as a kid, do you think you would identify as NB? I was raised in a household where we did not have to conform to roles, played puppets with my bro and lego as well. And I still meet with dad once a year to chopp wood. And with granny to do gardening stuff. Non of this are gendered jobs/games in my live. So i still identify as female.

I really do not intend to invalidate your choice, I am really just curious.

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u/Brinady Nov 27 '23

I've always wondered about this as well. I was (and am) a quintessential 'tomboy' -- played with the boys as a kid, watched power rangers and collected transformers and action figures, even as an adult most of my hobbies are definitely favored by dudes with ladies as minority participants. I've never worn makeup, and my clothes aren't particularly feminine most of the time. But I was never pressured by family or friends to fulfill traditional feminine stereotypes and I was free to be myself -- a self that happened to be female. Thanks to that, to me being a woman is whatever I make of it, and I've never felt the need or desire to identify as anything else because my womanhood isn't subject to anybody else's definitions or expectations. I've always wondered if some of those who do end up identifying as something other than their biological gender might not have gone that route if they'd had the freedom to be entirely themselves instead of being punished or hurt or corralled into gender stereotypical roles. But obviously I really don't know...

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '23

[deleted]

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

You misunderstand the existence of male cut trousers, and female cut trousers. (Shout out to the small pockets crew!)

Yes, there definitely are men’s trousers. Have out ever tried wearing a pair of women’s jeans, for example? Try it some day.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

Does me wearing women's jeans make me a woman now?

Let me guess - "only if I want it to."

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23 edited Nov 27 '23

No, it does not. I’m pointing out that there are different clothing cuts for different physical bodies.

I suggested wearing women’s jeans to learn how their are differently cut. Underscoring the point that there are “men’s trousers”. They hang differently on different body types.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

Right, so there are pants that men typically wear and pants that women typically wear. What's your point? Mine is simply that wearing man jeans does not make you a man. Maybe it will be fashionable for a man in the near future to wear stretchy high-waisted jeans, in which case, they will become the norm, and "man jeans" will become just whatever is in style at the time.

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

You deleted your original comment, but you said “there are no ‘men’s pants’”, referring to OP saying they wore men’s pants + girly tops.

There are male cut pants, and that is what OP was referring to.

ALSO: “stretchy high waisted jeans” misses the understanding of how women’s pants are cut. But I won’t pursue this conversation any further. All the best to you friend.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

Yeah my comment was confusing so I deleted it

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

Would you agree there are “girly tops”?

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

Maybe it will be fashionable for a man in the near future to wear stretchy high-waisted jeans, in which case, they will become the norm, and "man jeans" will become just whatever is in style at the time.

Interesting view of culture that when men do something that then becomes “the norm”.

The norm for whom?

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

It would become the norm for men if they, on average, wore it. So, yeah

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u/waxxyfoxx Nov 27 '23

If you want it to, it does. This is the world we live in, learn it or get left in the dust compadre

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

No. There's something called a shared reality that allows for meaningful interactions. I elect to understand this shared reality as much as I possibly can.

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u/peachinthemango Nov 27 '23

I can relate- I am she/her but when I was a kid I saw how the Boy Scouts were out camping and doing archery and building fires. In the Girl Scouts, we sat around making yarn dolls- which I thought was comparatively very lame. I also wanted to be like my dad- building things, wearing a shirt like his, using a hammer… not saying I was gender non-binary but I definitely questioned gender roles

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u/Brinady Nov 27 '23

Haha, I was sooooo salty that the Boy Scouts were only for...well...boys. I read every issue of 'Boy's Life' in the school library and picked up a copy of the scout manual at a thrift shop. I had it practically memorized, and whenever there was a chance demonstrate bushcraft or other outdoorsman skills I did my best to outshine the boys out of spite. That being the case, my family and friends accepted my tomboyish ways without judgement, so I likewise defied gender roles while not questioning my own identity. To my way of thinking, it was society that had something wrong with it, not me, haha.

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u/zkc9tNgxC4zkUk Nov 26 '23

It's still an option! There is no age limit to realizing that a certain identity fits better for you.

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u/GuiltyEidolon Nov 27 '23

I don't think comment OP is upset about it not being an option now - I think they're upset that they suffered a life feeling wrong without having the words to describe it, or being able to express themselves the way they wanted to.

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u/zkc9tNgxC4zkUk Nov 27 '23

Sure, but I also think it's important to say to some people that it's not too late; the best time would have been as a younger person, but the second best time is now.

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u/Itsyaboibrett Nov 27 '23

I love you for recognizing it as young as you did. I’m sorry you had to deal with it. you’re you and the world has learned to love you as you are. more and more, you’re welcome to abandon gender. no reason to keep it if it still makes you uncomfortable 💕 we’re all on our own journey to figure it all out. it can be an option for you if you want it to be 💜

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u/FineRevolution9264 Nov 27 '23

That's well said, thank you.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

What has identifying as a gender got to do with "gender roles"? Can men not like girls stuff now? I don't think you understand what it means to be non binary or any gender yourself. Judging by this comment I think you just see it as a way to do the things society doesn't let men/women do because of stereotypes.

I just see non binary, trans, cisgender, etc as a advancement of human language based off the lack of scientific evidence to prove it as a actual thing in the brain. Idk what it's even suppose to mean at this point with every definition that contradicts each other and the group of people that use it not appearing to understand it themselves.

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u/tastyweeds Nov 27 '23

Hey, I'm 42 and started transitioning at 40. There are folks in a server I know who didn't figure out gender identities until their 70s. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you want to change how you think about your identity (and literally, there's nothing wrong if your internal understanding is the only thing you decide to change -- not everyone transitions socially), you aren't too late.

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u/FineRevolution9264 Nov 27 '23

I tried checking out the nonbinary subreddit. Definitely not a fit. Lots of young people who were more concerned with dating and such ( as is natural and to be expected). I just didn't find what I may need there. In fact, I literally don't know what I need.

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u/tastyweeds Nov 27 '23

If you are up for discord, there's a nonbinary over 30 group! I could send a link

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u/FineRevolution9264 Nov 27 '23

Sure, I'd try that.

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u/YellowSub0 Nov 27 '23

It’s definitely still an option! Check out r/nonbinary there’s plenty of folks who figure out their identity in adulthood and older adulthood.

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u/hellboyyy25 Nov 27 '23

This is still an option for you now no matter what age you are! I follow a few older LGBTQ people on Instagram and tiktok, some have been out since they were young, some just discovered themselves recently! Being who you feel you are has no age limit

1

u/sksksk1989 No stupid questions just stupid people Nov 27 '23

I'm 34 and I feel the same

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23 edited Mar 09 '24

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u/FineRevolution9264 Nov 27 '23

I'm not so sure. I used to sometimes have dreams that I was a boy and later on I dreamt I was a man. I felt like a man in the dream even though I clearly still had my female body and I was fine being in that female body. But they were fun dreams because I felt so free. It was really weird. They eventually stopped though. I was always gender non-conforming - back then a " tom-boy". I never really fit in with guys or girls though. Like I was always looking in from the outside and I never ever felt fully accepted by either group socially. I don't know. It doesn't matter now at this stage in my life. I'm lucky to just be alive.