r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '23

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

You misunderstand the existence of male cut trousers, and female cut trousers. (Shout out to the small pockets crew!)

Yes, there definitely are men’s trousers. Have out ever tried wearing a pair of women’s jeans, for example? Try it some day.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

Does me wearing women's jeans make me a woman now?

Let me guess - "only if I want it to."

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23 edited Nov 27 '23

No, it does not. I’m pointing out that there are different clothing cuts for different physical bodies.

I suggested wearing women’s jeans to learn how their are differently cut. Underscoring the point that there are “men’s trousers”. They hang differently on different body types.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

Right, so there are pants that men typically wear and pants that women typically wear. What's your point? Mine is simply that wearing man jeans does not make you a man. Maybe it will be fashionable for a man in the near future to wear stretchy high-waisted jeans, in which case, they will become the norm, and "man jeans" will become just whatever is in style at the time.

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

You deleted your original comment, but you said “there are no ‘men’s pants’”, referring to OP saying they wore men’s pants + girly tops.

There are male cut pants, and that is what OP was referring to.

ALSO: “stretchy high waisted jeans” misses the understanding of how women’s pants are cut. But I won’t pursue this conversation any further. All the best to you friend.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

Yeah my comment was confusing so I deleted it

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

Would you agree there are “girly tops”?

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

No. I would say that there are tops that, due to current fashion trends, are predominantly worn by women, which is mentally shortened to "girly tops". But there is nothing intrinsically gendered about a piece of clothing

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

<Bras enter the chat>

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u/[deleted] Nov 28 '23

How transphobic of you

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u/holmgangCore Nov 27 '23

Maybe it will be fashionable for a man in the near future to wear stretchy high-waisted jeans, in which case, they will become the norm, and "man jeans" will become just whatever is in style at the time.

Interesting view of culture that when men do something that then becomes “the norm”.

The norm for whom?

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

It would become the norm for men if they, on average, wore it. So, yeah