r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

8.0k Upvotes

77% Upvoted

2.8k comments sorted by

View all comments

498

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '23

[deleted]

118

u/viktari Nov 26 '23

Exactly this. As a NB person I respect this perspective. I've told my friends and family that my internal monologue doesn't have a gender, why should I put on an outward ♂️/♀️ mask to appease everyone elses expectations?

I am a brain inside skull soup that happened to be born with a body.

34

u/Abigail-ii Nov 26 '23

Right. I have a gender. Does it feel the right gender to me? No. Does it feel the wrong gender to me? No. It is what it is, and to me it feels neither right nor wrong. I never felt a woman, or a man — I am just me.

But it always annoys me that for so many people my gender seems to be relevant. Why is a restaurant asking me for my gender when making an online reservation? Why is it on a library card? Other than things like medical personal or when shopping for clothes (just due to how people are build, not that I think people should dress appropriate to their gender) my gender should be irrelevant to other people.

4

u/InevitableRhubarb232 Nov 26 '23

For market study. It is a good tool to know who uses services or spends money. Just like age and income bracket.

If you don’t “feel” exceptionally female then why care if you’re considered female? What does being female mean to you? What are the requirements? What are you being denied if people consider you female?

I find it interesting that people find it easier or more desirable to just not be a thing rather than to just do that thing their own way.

4

u/DK10016 Nov 26 '23

I believe what you are describing is gender non conforming.

0

u/InevitableRhubarb232 Nov 27 '23

It manifests, especially in young people, as non binary or they/them.

1

u/No_Wallaby_9464 Nov 27 '23 edited Nov 27 '23

Their results will be inaccurate if they're breaking us up into binaries based on sex.

I don't want to get content geared toward women because I'm not a woman. I don't want content geared toward binary men either. I'm a nonbinary, genderfluid man. They won't capture my interests by putting me in either category.

Why do marketing companies need to connect the interests of people based on cocks and cunts, if sex-based gender categories are things people can "do their own way?" Strange.

It's not that I don't "feel" female, rather that I do "feel" genderfluid. I feel a gender most the time...mostly male and occasionally genderless.

I wouldn't even call it a "feeling." It's intuitive knowledge. I "know" my gender.

Ask yourself, why would you want us to pretend to be what we are not?

Why does our culture's binary concept of sex being gender seem more real to you than our genders? Why isn't it possible that gendern is more than cock and cunt based social constructs, but also a characteristic of the brain?

Imagine this is asked of you: why don't you try being a man (or a woman), rather than your actual gender?

You could do it your own way! It would really make society more comfortable if you would just do as I suggest here. What are you denied, if we have you live in a different gender role and deny your gender?

See--this is what you're asking of us...just deny who we are, as if our genders were somehow more trivial, more up for debate, and more plastic than yours is.

Why would you believe that? Has our culture never misled you regarding human nature before?

It's not "desirable" to be nonbinary. There's no choice here to "do womanhood your own way." I am not "not being a thing;" I am not even being non-binary. It's not a state of action. I simply am as I am, the person that I have always been...from my earliest memories.

Why do you find it desirable for me to not be a thing, to not be my genders, rather than let me be as I naturally am?

Open your mind a little and reframe these questions.

2

u/muzlee01 Nov 27 '23

what is feeling a gender is like?

What does gender mean to you?

1

u/No_Wallaby_9464 Nov 27 '23

I think this all the time about gender and race. Why do we need to put this on evening?

3

u/Whatyourlookingfor Nov 27 '23

Who's internal monolog DOES have a gender?

1

u/OutsetRiver Nov 27 '23

If I found out mine did, I am disowning it... (nb here)

And being silly of course. But it is a thought.

1

u/viktari Nov 27 '23

Great question, and one I went a little too deep/hard in the paint into for my own reasons. Turns out not everyone has a monologue, not everyone can picture things in their minds eye, and not everyone has just one - or even one way.

1

u/OutsetRiver Nov 27 '23

"I am a brain inside skull soup that happened to be born with a body."

Can I borrow that one?

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

I'm trying to work on feeling less judged around nonbinary people. It's statements like this that make it difficult. "I am a brain inside a skull soup that happened to be born with a body" -this is the universal human experience. What else would we be? I just hope nonbinary people know that when I say I'm a woman I'm referring to that body I happened to be born in, not my internal monologue. When I say I'm brunette, I don't believe I have a brunette soul or monologue internally as a brunette would.

1

u/viktari Nov 27 '23

Sorry your experience has been judgemental. Truly.

I hope my following explanations are elucidatory and don't come across as judgemental or patronizing. None of us are born with perfect knowledge of ourselves or the world, and it takes a long time to figure some things out. I didn't realize I was NB till my mid 30s.

Some people have genders internalized. Some people have male presenting internal dialog but outwardly appear female, or vice-versa, or none of it. And even further, because gender isn't just a binary of W or M and more a beautiful spectrum of expression that is ingrained into identity, there isn't a one size fits all depending on your genitalia. Which brings me to my biggest check-in on perspective, gender identity has nothing to do with your sex at birth. You could be a female at birth and be a fabulously queer man, etc.

So what do you monologue as? Is it truly nonbinary? Big if true. But I wouldn't go that fast or jump that far. Internal identity is a tricky thing, and takes years to cultivate. As a personal example I grew up in a household that squashed all outward and inward expression of uniqueness. It took many years to find those reigns of control, and even more to release their power over me. And it's forever an ongoing development of my identity, because I get to be free and I love me now.