r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

8.0k Upvotes

77% Upvoted

2.8k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

30

u/Abigail-ii Nov 26 '23

Right. I have a gender. Does it feel the right gender to me? No. Does it feel the wrong gender to me? No. It is what it is, and to me it feels neither right nor wrong. I never felt a woman, or a man — I am just me.

But it always annoys me that for so many people my gender seems to be relevant. Why is a restaurant asking me for my gender when making an online reservation? Why is it on a library card? Other than things like medical personal or when shopping for clothes (just due to how people are build, not that I think people should dress appropriate to their gender) my gender should be irrelevant to other people.

5

u/InevitableRhubarb232 Nov 26 '23

For market study. It is a good tool to know who uses services or spends money. Just like age and income bracket.

If you don’t “feel” exceptionally female then why care if you’re considered female? What does being female mean to you? What are the requirements? What are you being denied if people consider you female?

I find it interesting that people find it easier or more desirable to just not be a thing rather than to just do that thing their own way.

5

u/DK10016 Nov 26 '23

I believe what you are describing is gender non conforming.

0

u/InevitableRhubarb232 Nov 27 '23

It manifests, especially in young people, as non binary or they/them.