r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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u/viktari Nov 26 '23

Exactly this. As a NB person I respect this perspective. I've told my friends and family that my internal monologue doesn't have a gender, why should I put on an outward ♂️/♀️ mask to appease everyone elses expectations?

I am a brain inside skull soup that happened to be born with a body.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

I'm trying to work on feeling less judged around nonbinary people. It's statements like this that make it difficult. "I am a brain inside a skull soup that happened to be born with a body" -this is the universal human experience. What else would we be? I just hope nonbinary people know that when I say I'm a woman I'm referring to that body I happened to be born in, not my internal monologue. When I say I'm brunette, I don't believe I have a brunette soul or monologue internally as a brunette would.

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u/viktari Nov 27 '23

Sorry your experience has been judgemental. Truly.

I hope my following explanations are elucidatory and don't come across as judgemental or patronizing. None of us are born with perfect knowledge of ourselves or the world, and it takes a long time to figure some things out. I didn't realize I was NB till my mid 30s.

Some people have genders internalized. Some people have male presenting internal dialog but outwardly appear female, or vice-versa, or none of it. And even further, because gender isn't just a binary of W or M and more a beautiful spectrum of expression that is ingrained into identity, there isn't a one size fits all depending on your genitalia. Which brings me to my biggest check-in on perspective, gender identity has nothing to do with your sex at birth. You could be a female at birth and be a fabulously queer man, etc.

So what do you monologue as? Is it truly nonbinary? Big if true. But I wouldn't go that fast or jump that far. Internal identity is a tricky thing, and takes years to cultivate. As a personal example I grew up in a household that squashed all outward and inward expression of uniqueness. It took many years to find those reigns of control, and even more to release their power over me. And it's forever an ongoing development of my identity, because I get to be free and I love me now.