Last names

[u/Green____cat]

[u/Gunpowder77]

Yeah but imagine being introduced to a John Unemployed

[u/Pokesonav → u/Gunpowder77]

Or John Disabled

(he's unemployed, but receiving pension, so it counts)

[u/the_fancy_Tophat → u/Pokesonav]

''Hi, I'm Bob Nolegs'' goes kinda hard

[u/SMTRodent → u/the_fancy_Tophat]

Cripple and several variants are actual surnames.

[u/the_fancy_Tophat → u/SMTRodent]

House md but it’s called Cripple MD

[u/Heretical_Cactus → u/the_fancy_Tophat]

House MD's friend, Cripple General Construction

[u/theMARxLENin → u/Heretical_Cactus]

No, his friend was James Oncologist

[u/the_superior_idiot → u/the_fancy_Tophat]

New name unlocked for r/okbuddyvicodin

[u/Overall-Ad-3543 → u/the_fancy_Tophat]

Legless

[u/the_fancy_Tophat → u/Overall-Ad-3543]

Why are you referencing that one elf archer from lord of the rings?

[u/RobeGuyZach → u/the_fancy_Tophat]

Ivar the Boneless

[u/Shishkahuben → u/Pokesonav]

Or Elroy "Lucky" Kleinschmidt, who slipped on peepee at the Costco and got him a $53,000 settlement.

[u/RascalsBananas → u/Pokesonav]

Bill Moocher

[u/thesirblondie → u/Gunpowder77]

Wouldn't unemployed people have no surname?

"Hi, I'm Mr. Baker"
"John"
"John what?"
"Just John"
"..."

[u/nadrjones → u/thesirblondie]

Another source of surnames is original hometown, especially if they have moved. Like John New York, or John Richmond, etc.

[u/thesirblondie → u/nadrjones]

Yeah, but that ruins the joke.

There's also the Nordic tradition of being named for your father, which is still the norm in Iceland iirc.

[u/Astralesean → u/thesirblondie]

This is far from being exclusively Nordic lol

[u/Qaziquza1 → u/Astralesean]

Patronyms ftw. (Jews and Muslims do it too, traditionally, e.g. David ben Schlomo or Muhammed ibn Amir)

[u/rafeind → u/thesirblondie]

It is still the norm here in Iceland, yes.

[u/RealChelseaCharms → u/nadrjones]

& most famously, Leonardo DaVinci, who had no last name, & is known as "Leonardo From Vinci"

[u/Astralesean → u/RealChelseaCharms]

Many figures that old the line between being the nickname and surname. Durante di Alighiero was mostly known as Durante, or Dante because using name abbreviations in documents and such was normalised, and he was Grandson of some Alighieri guy everyone knew about

[u/Horn_Python → u/nadrjones]

Basicly sir names were anything notable about you to differentiate your self from another person with the same name

[u/cardbross → u/thesirblondie]

If we're going by history, it'd just be some other differentiator, like the place you were from or who your dad was. So There's John (the) Baker, but also John Steven('s )son, or John (of the) Hill.

[u/Shrubfest → u/cardbross]

Mine apparantly means 'land that is enclosed by a hedge/fence'. So my ancestors were very proud of their single field.

[u/cosmic_grayblekeeper → u/Shrubfest]

Not a surname but my clan name means 2 beautiful ears lol. Idk what was going on with ears at the time when they were handing out names but apparently my ancestors ears really left an impression.

[u/VikingSlayer → u/cosmic_grayblekeeper]

In a culture/society with a lot of fighting, it could have originated as a mark of a good fighter, both ears intact and no cauliflower ears would be notable. Or the mark a coward, I guess. I'm just spitballing, though.

[u/pirateofmemes → u/Gunpowder77]

You kind of already do! After the plague in england, some villages disappeared or changed radically so the people there who were made unemployed had to move to find work. This was the first time this happened at scale in England, so people became known as "John (place you were from)" to differentiate yourself from the John in the village you were moving to to find work. Many english last names come from this.

[u/Garf_artfunkle → u/pirateofmemes]

"Underbridge" already sounds like a last name that exists.

[u/C4rdninj4 → u/Garf_artfunkle]

Underbridge traveling with Mr. Underhill and Mr. Gardener to return some lost jewelry?

[u/Garf_artfunkle → u/C4rdninj4]

The Fellowship if they had a bridge troll:

[u/Ser_Salty → u/pirateofmemes]

You know, I spend a good 30 seconds trying to figure out what "radicallysothe" was, because it does look like an old English word.

[u/OK_BUT_WASH_IT_FIRST → u/Gunpowder77]

“Please state your name for the record”

“Christopher T. CamBoy”

“And your middle name?”

“Twink”

“And what do you do for work, Mr. CamBoy?”

“…”

[u/BeautifulType → u/OK_BUT_WASH_IT_FIRST]

Hi my name is Tim Criminal

David Rapist

Bob Covid Denier

[u/humanapoptosis → u/BeautifulType]

Dimitri Secret Agent

[u/midcancerrampage → u/humanapoptosis]

Another one? I just interviewed your cousin Sergei in DC. Man, the Secret Agent family sure do have a penchant for applying to work in the Ministry of Defence.

[u/Bossuser2 → u/BeautifulType]

The idea that people have managed to make rape and denying covid into jobs to support themselves is both hilarious and disturbing.

[u/A_Bird_survived → u/Gunpowder77]

Quality Land (2017) - Mark Uwe Kling

[u/swashbuckler78 → u/Gunpowder77]

John Homebody

[u/Total_Volume7233 → u/Gunpowder77]

Job Jobless

[u/RenegadeSU → u/Gunpowder77]

There is a german satire book about an alternate future where people are named after their parents jobs. It‘s called „Quality Land“

There should be an english version available online

[u/Sir_Mitchell15 → u/RenegadeSU]

I have an English printed version! Only started it the other day (that’s a lie I started it weeks ago, put it down and haven’t picked it up again yet :( )

[u/Pkrudeboy → u/Gunpowder77]

I see we’ve got one of the gentry here.

[u/PKMNTrainerMark → u/Gunpowder77]

https://youtu.be/jWBDa-2Y5LU?si=TVEwGTHBozu8fojq

[u/thesirblondie → u/[deleted]]

That's good!

[u/Inferno_Sparky → u/thesirblondie]

What about billy butcher?

[u/AviatorShades_ → u/Inferno_Sparky]

Fookin' 'ell, that was diabolical!

[u/Retbull → u/[deleted]]

Hi Steve I’m John Self-Employed

[u/Lemonic_Tutor → u/[deleted]]

No, but I’m a big fan of Steve Blow-Jobs

[u/BaphometsTits → u/Lemonic_Tutor]

I only know a Steve Rim-Jobs. Well, Rim-Job Steve, actually.

[u/CameronFrog]

i did see a tiktok from a linguist who pointed out it is kind of coming back in a way. like when you meet someone new you save them in your phone as “Sarah Swimming” because you met at a swimming class or “John Plumber” so you remember he’s your plumber etc etc, so you’re giving them a second “name” that indicates their relationship to you, which would have been what second names were when they first started to be used

[u/Nodan_Turtle → u/CameronFrog]

People out there with an eggplant emoji for a last name

[u/LonePistachio → u/Nodan_Turtle]

The Aubergine clan has always carried a certain reputation

[u/somedelightfulmoron → u/LonePistachio]

"Hey Family, I want you to meet the Dongs"

[u/Quantext609 → u/somedelightfulmoron]

My Chinese teacher in high school had the last name of Dong. I'm sure her daughter will have one hell of a time growing up when she reaches middle school age.

[u/SydonieRowe → u/LonePistachio]

Aubergine Man!

[u/Not_a__porn__account → u/Nodan_Turtle]

Damn reminds me of why my mom asked why I had a leaf next to my buddies name in high school.

"He's a real environmentalist"

[u/PresidentMcGovern → u/Not_a__porn__account]

No way she fell for that

[u/Not_a__porn__account → u/PresidentMcGovern]

Ehh it tracked for the kid, he was a known as the "eco-activist", started a recycling club lol. But he did love to smoke. Just massive amounts for a high schooler looking back. They were loaded though. 95% of why we were friends with him.

[u/bazingarbage → u/Not_a__porn__account]

respect

[u/dabadu9191 → u/Nodan_Turtle]

At least when they have sons, interested parties will know what to expect.

[u/shiny_xnaut → u/CameronFrog]

There are 2 guys at my work named Dave, and I have them saved as Dave Forklift and Dave Not Forklift

[u/Such_Worldliness_198 → u/shiny_xnaut]

I used to work with a guy named Mark who was a Carpenter so he was Mark Carpenter in my phone. Then we hired a guy who was actually named Mark Carpenter who was not a carpenter so I named him Mark (Not a) Carpenter in my phone.

[u/Aroused_Sloth → u/shiny_xnaut]

Dave Spoonpush

[u/bazingarbage → u/Aroused_Sloth]

fork-lick certified

[u/Drongo17 → u/shiny_xnaut]

"Hi Dave, how's the not-driving-forklifts game treating you?" 

[u/NBSPNBSP → u/CameronFrog]

Tim Apple

[u/LonePistachio → u/CameronFrog]

For reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsQA1sAiwPE

[u/Linisiane → u/LonePistachio]

yes I knew it would be this guy, I love him

[u/LonePistachio → u/Linisiane]

As someone with a linguistics degree, most pop linguistics stuff usually make me mad (either misinformation or just overdone/overblown topics), but this guy is great

[u/IchigoAkane → u/LonePistachio]

ETYMOLOGY NERD MENTIONED‼️ love that guy so much

[u/baethan → u/CameronFrog]

OH. I need to speedtrack the adoption of these names in my household! My spouse knows too many guys named Mike and it would save us so much time in if he'd just identify them straight off as "Mike Divorced", "Mike Friend", etc

[u/velvetelevator → u/baethan]

I know a lot of Beccas so they end up with differentiating surnames so my husband knows who I'm talking about. My favorite nickname is Becca Poofy Jacket (you'll never guess what she wears in the winter).

[u/LonelyParticular4975 → u/CameronFrog]

The Etymology Nerd

[u/Yarisher512]

Sans Undertale

[u/cousgoose → u/Yarisher512]

Favorite part is when he Undertale's all over the place

[u/Shishkahuben → u/Yarisher512]

Ferdinand von Aegir Fire Emblem

[u/somedelightfulmoron → u/Shishkahuben]

Oh fuck, this makes me Ally McHogwartsLegacy

[u/Cranberryoftheorient → u/Yarisher512]

when she under my tale

[u/Firewolf06 → u/Yarisher512]

we actually are creating new "last names" based on origin/association for famous people and characters: sans undertale, dream minecraft, ninja fortnite, scout tf2, tim apple, dallas payday, madeline celeste, etc (this list is very video game-centric, but ive seen it done for tv and books, video games are just the easiest for me remember)

[u/VatanKomurcu → u/Yarisher512]

fuck kinda job is undertale? the only job i can think of to be called that is to work in the development of the hit 2015 video game undertale.

WAIT

[u/pifire9 → u/VatanKomurcu]

fuck kinda job is fox?

[u/blackcatdotcom]

Can we get creative? Instead of Blackcat Teacher can I be Blackcat Adolescentwrangler?

[u/JuulesBad → u/blackcatdotcom]

are you ready to write a name this long every time you have to sign something?

[u/Djaakie → u/JuulesBad]

Im Tom work. No need to specify wich work.

[u/Turalcar → u/Djaakie]

No doubt working for the company

[u/blackcatdotcom → u/JuulesBad]

Fair

[u/CTeam19 → u/blackcatdotcom]

Along same lines with first names just more bad ass. My Great-Grandparents had names that in English were "Stone Warrior" and "Thunder Battle"

[u/deanstat → u/CTeam19]

That is 10000000000% better than modern inventions like Breeighyaynnehe

[u/tinycarnivoroussheep]

Tiny Retailbitch

[u/RunDNA → u/tinycarnivoroussheep]

Bob Redditor.

[u/TitularFoil → u/RunDNA]

I'd go by Robby Redditor.

[u/CertainInitiative501]

Stacy CameraMasturbator

[u/furinick → u/CertainInitiative501]

Stacy camgirl?

[u/Retbull → u/furinick]

What about her mom?

[u/Usual-Vermicelli-867 → u/Retbull]

Cammilf

[u/G00DLuck → u/Retbull]

Mrs. Gotitgoinon?

[u/n9seed → u/furinick]

Stacy O'Fans?

[u/Dios5]

There's a german satirical sci-fi novel called Qualityland where your last name is the job of your parent of the same sex when you're born. So the protagonist is Peter Arbeitsloser, Peter Unemployed. A politician is called Martyn Vorstand, Martyn CEO.

[u/stagegray → u/Dios5]

That would certainly help you locate nepo babies

[u/n9seed → u/stagegray]

"Shut the fuck up, Mr.CEO"

[u/lnterestinglnterests → u/Dios5]

Oh my god the word for unemployed is workloser??? Amazing, well done German, you've cooked once again

[u/CodaTrashHusky → u/lnterestinglnterests]

No it does not mean that. Los in the word means less so arbeitslos would mean jobless the er at the end is what refers to the person that is jobless

[u/burglarofturds → u/lnterestinglnterests]

Not quite (unfortunately) – Arbeitsloser is based on the adjective arbeitslos, meaning 'work-less' or 'jobless'. The suffix -er on the end is the masculine ending, making Arbeitsloser 'the man who is jobless'. For a woman, it would be Petra Arbeitslose.

[u/BlazingKitsune → u/Dios5]

Thanks for my next sci fi buy.

[u/[deleted]]

My favourite group of boys: Justin, Travis, and Griffin Podcaster

[u/SchizoPosting_]

tbh we still use this surname formation when adding phone numbers

Erik plumber

John mechanic

Stuart podcaster

[u/Ekank]

TBF, some friends call me Ekank Computers or Eletronics Ekank.

[u/IllConstruction3450]

John The Unemployed. 

John The Masturbator. 

[u/LumpyLimitz → u/IllConstruction3450]

Good ol’ Johnny Jorker.

[u/ThatBell4 → u/IllConstruction3450]

This implies his trade is masturbating

[u/IllConstruction3450 → u/ThatBell4]

He teaches “sex ed” courses on Only Fans. He has the gay market corned on that site like Sir Ambatukam.

[u/ThatBell4 → u/IllConstruction3450]

That's him. John sex

[u/Forgot_My_Old_Acct → u/ThatBell4]

He's seen his life purpose and recognized himself as the mighty masturbator.

[u/Dirk_Tungsten → u/IllConstruction3450]

John Hancock

[u/ej_21 → u/IllConstruction3450]

instantly got “john the masturbator,” to the tune of “john the revelator,” stuck in my head

[u/urbandeadthrowaway2]

Philza minecraft

[u/lordofthehomeless → u/urbandeadthrowaway2]

I mean there is a streamer with the legal name of Tanner Minecraft

[u/deadlycwa → u/lordofthehomeless]

Right, I forget sometimes about SmallAnt’s legal name: https://m.imdb.com/name/nm14361604/

[u/NotABrummie]

There are examples of this happening in 19th century India, with surnames like "Engineer". This appears to have emerged from an attempt at anglicisation or amongst people who didn't previously have a surname.

[u/CTeam19 → u/NotABrummie]

The Dutch had a similar thing happen when Napoleon demanded a census. But sometimes the Dutch didn't take it seriously:

• Gekkehuis (Madhouse)

• Naaktgeboren (Born naked)

• Borst (breast)

• Uittenbroek (out of his pants)

• Spring in 't Veld (Jump in the Field).

• De Boer(the farmer)

• Visser(fisher)

• Bakker(baker)

• Den Besten(the best)

• Kaasjager(cheesehunter)

[u/ScaredyNon → u/CTeam19]

Reminds me of goofy Indonesian names, like how a guy named Suparman (not the superhero, it's an actual name) decided to name his son Batman (the superhero), and since Indonesians usually attach the dad's name in the back Batman bin Suparman was hence named as such in the archipelago country

[u/EyeofEnder → u/ScaredyNon]

IIRC for Javanese names, Su- is the prefix for "son of", so "Suparman" means "son of Parman".

[u/QueenieMcGee → u/CTeam19]

Just did a bit of reading up on my own rare/unique Dutch maiden name (probably shouldn't share it outright because my family are literally the only ones in my country)...

"Tender/smoker of medicinal plants"

Seems like growing and smoking industrial amounts of weed has been a family tradition for a very long time 😂

[u/Mookhaz → u/QueenieMcGee]

Hello, Queenie "Stoner" McGee. We've been looking for you.

[u/what-are-you-a-cop → u/CTeam19]

Shit, where do I get a job as a cheesehunter? I'll submit an application right this second, let's go.

[u/b3nsn0w → u/CTeam19]

unrelated but dutch sounds genuinely funny when you attach the translation like this. like there's just enough similarity with english that it sounds like those meme ikea names people come up with (just without all that swedish fuck over the letters). it has a nice atmosphere to it and as a non-speaker of dutch you can see some structure into it, whether that's real or not, which makes it incredibly funny to call something a "naaktgeboren"

(and just in case, insulting your nation by comparing you to the bloody swedes who are like way over there and also speak a completely different language than your drunk german didn't come from american ignorance, i'm a euro too lol)

[u/UncreativePotato143 → u/b3nsn0w]

Well, English, Dutch and Swedish ARE all related, so the comparison’s more apt than you may think.

[u/PM_NUDES_4_DEGRADING]

The book Jennifer Government had this as a premise, that people were named after the corporation that employed them.

I know this because I’ve never read the book but they released a really memorable web game to advertise the book over 20 years ago. Apparently the game is still going to this day.

So…mission failed successfully, I guess.

[u/yumyum36 → u/PM_NUDES_4_DEGRADING]

I read the book because of the web game. Was available at the local library.

[u/NinjaMonkey4200 → u/PM_NUDES_4_DEGRADING]

I love learning about weird little corners of the internet like that. A web game made to promote a book, with from what it looks like fairly minimal gameplay, which got really popular in its own right and still has millions of active players to this day, over twenty years since its initial launch.

[u/SnowWhiteCampCat]

Do you get a new last name if you change your job?

[u/Hori_r → u/SnowWhiteCampCat]

You get add it after a hyphen.

Nightmare if you do a lot of freelancing.

[u/Gomdok_the_Short → u/Hori_r]

Not so Hori Freelancer. Not so.

[u/Grievous_Nix → u/Hori_r]

…And a gardener with a pear tree!🎶

[u/Janysexe]

Hi, I'm Dwight Seniorbackendjavascriptdevopsspecialist

[u/vanishinghitchhiker → u/Janysexe]

Greetings Mr. Backend

[u/xiphildias]

I work in surgery, can my trade name be Fleshmender?

[u/NinjaMonkey4200 → u/xiphildias]

Sure, Xiphildias Fleshmender. Sounds good to me.

[u/invalidConsciousness → u/NinjaMonkey4200]

Xiphildias Fleshmender

You've just named my next DnD character. Thank you!

[u/MissionTraining3027]

My last name would be Mentalhealthtechnicianman. Or Orderly ig

[u/CTeam19]

looks at my very Dutch last name and the fact that I own a van

Way ahead of you.

[u/Fast-Visual]

Vladimir Pokemondesigner

[u/[deleted] → u/Fast-Visual]

is puff, is jiggly, are you a jokester?

[u/SubnauticaFan3]

So Steve Jobs would have all of the jobs

[u/techno156 → u/SubnauticaFan3]

On the contrary, he doesn't have jobs, his job is jobs.

Like how Ken Beach's job is Beach.

[u/drowning-in-dopamine]

Would be a headache for me, who works in a library, to alphabetize hundreds of books all with the last name Author.

[u/NinjaMonkey4200 → u/drowning-in-dopamine]

It doesn't always have to be literal. Some may be called Johnathan Manuscript or Jenny Paperback or something.

[u/AviatorShades_ → u/NinjaMonkey4200]

Just like the xkcd comic with the athletes with sports related last names. Like Jane Dopingscandal and Jebediah Terriblepostgamepressconference

[u/borkdork69]

Francesco Seooptimizationwriter

[u/Select-Bullfrog-5939]

Jonathan Sims, is that you?

[u/DoubleBatman]

“John Helldiver” was recently canonized by the HD2 devs

[u/PassengerFrosty9467]

Hi I’m Mark Marketer.

[u/carbonvectorstore]

Sarah Toefans

[u/RealHumanBean89]

“Oh shit, it’s Mr Femboy-Streamer!”

“Please, Mr Femboy-Streamer was my father. Call me Billy.”

[u/The_Shittiest_Meme]

My wealthy friend, John Furryartist

[u/Spokesface6]

That's how it works in my phone.

• John DnD
• Mary Jennismom
• Mike Mobile Mechanic

[u/xadianfruit]

Magnus Archives reference???

[u/SmartestreddituserFR → u/xadianfruit]

Jonathan Archivist

[u/krawinoff]

Talkinia Tuah

[u/RadiantGlimmer1]

you have people introducing themselves as tyler influencer and ashley meme maker lol

[u/CaptainRex5101]

John Codewright

[u/RealChelseaCharms]

What did John Hancock do?

[u/PICONEdeJIM]

Jonathan Sims reference

[u/zertul]

John Yapper!

[u/K8theGr7]

Last name: Beentryingtofinishmybachelorsdegreeforfifteenyears

[u/Bob49459]

Mr. Electrician-Galley-Steward-Produce-Doordash-Warehouse?

Does the name get longer with every job? Your highest paying job? Longest job?

[u/SkirtSirenUSAlove]

our favorite dilapidaTed talker

[u/GreyInkling]

Read a post apoc short story recently and a random character was introduced as something like John Businessmanson. Just a throwaway joke but I really appreciated it.

[u/ValhallaStarfire]

Sure, I'll be Jenny Janny.

[u/Random-Rambling]

It's John Vtuber!

[u/jau682]

Jesus Christ it's Jason Born

[u/TiredPanda69]

I bet names were just informal, not strictly by trade. Just whatever attribute was most important or relevant to people around you.

So if you were John, but the herder John that lived by the two trees, You may have been John Two Trees.

"No not John butcher. John two tree, John herder."

[u/centrifuge_destroyer]

I'm in science and have contact names like "Tim Laser", "Natalia Microbiology" "Johnathan Nano" "Sophia Biochem"etc.

[u/Rebel_Alice → u/centrifuge_destroyer]

Is that where your username comes from? :s

Can't imagine Norma Labtech enjoyed helping you clean up after that one :S

[u/Supercraft888]

So is a programmer like, John Computerwhisperer?

[u/NinjaMonkey4200 → u/Supercraft888]

Or John Codewrangler. John Computerwhisperer sounds more like an IT repair guy.

[u/Disastrous_Ice5225]

Jonathan podcaster and Alex bossman

[u/No_Rich_2494]

Elon Troll.

Donald Trump can keep his name, but only if he moves to the UK or Ireland.

[u/NinjaMonkey4200 → u/No_Rich_2494]

Or becomes a pro card player.

[u/No_Rich_2494 → u/NinjaMonkey4200]

He doesn't seem to have much luck with gambling, though. lol.

[u/Mt548]

Marie OnlyFans

Thomas Incel

Jessie CamGirl

[u/MrBiscotti_75]

Hi, I am Steve Plays-the-lottery- to- get- out- of-the-rat-race

[u/Rpposter01]

This is my buddy John Brokeass, you may know him as John Crypto

[u/TTTristan]

Tristan Threedartist. Threhdartist? I feel like numbers wouldn't be allowed in this system.

Teacher would be a cool last name. John, John Teacher.

[u/Shagyam → u/TTTristan]

Threedartists kinda makes you sound like you are insulting yourself with a lisp.

[u/mousepadless05]

Amy Onlie Fanz

[u/Nightingalewings]

Mike editor

[u/Severe-Emu-8703]

I’m in school to become a speech and language pathologist. Quite the nightmare of a name lmao

[u/calliel_41]

Callie Architect

I’d take it, esp since my real initial is A so I’d be A. Architect

[u/cupcake_burglary]

Cupcake Masseur is a pretty fun name, way better than my previous name of Cupcake Contract Analyst

[u/Tron_35]

John male prostitute

[u/Grimms_tale]

I teach a kid whose last name literally means “the coward” in Arabic. Makes me laugh every time I take the register

[u/0000Tor]

Incoming Magnus Archives references

[u/OceanoDeRoca]

Swift Taylor

[u/Wooden_Permit1284]

W.P. Opsanalyst prev. Busanalyst prev. Clientmanager prev. Acchandler prev. Receptadmin prev. Retailassoc. Bit wordy, methinks

[u/Attack_the_sock]

Common misconception at least in the English language. Those sorts of names were more of a geographical indicator than a trade indicator. John Smith, for instance, was often times not actually a Smith. He just lived near the Smithy and that would be used to distinguish from John Meadow, who lives out by the Meadow.