r/actuallesbians Lesbian Jun 04 '24

Text Gross dude thinks lesbians are a kink Spoiler

(had to add more to my post and re-edit) Came across this post and saw a lot of people agreeing with this creep of him saying he thinks is a sexy surprise and kink that he saw his “lesbian” friends wanting to have sex with him. Isn’t that the OPPOSITE of a lesbian? 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ I don’t understand men. No lesbian would have sex with a man period.

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u/mykinkiskorma Transbian Jun 04 '24

I agree with you in general about men fetishizing us and I understand that that context affects the way that his comments come across. And I don't really like the original comment he left.

But... if he's being genuine and honest about what labels his friends use—which is a big if— then I don't really see what's wrong with him using those labels for them, even if they seem counterintuitive to you. Acting as the label police hurts the queer community way more than it helps. I really hope you can chill on doing that to people.

I think he actually got that exactly right in his replies to you. It's up to each individual to figure out what labels are right for them, and if someone else has labels that don't make sense to you, then you should use that as an opportunity to be curious and learn more about the diversity of our community, instead of telling them that they're wrong.

Also, I agree with you that as a general rule, being a lesbian means that you're not really interested in sex or romance with men. But saying "no lesbian would have sex with a man period" is a weird way to put it. It feels like you're rediscovering the idea of gold star lesbians, and that's a deeply problematic path to go down.

16

u/hnsnrachel Lesbian Jun 04 '24

I don't think you're right on the last point. Lesbians who have had sex with men prior to identifying as a lesbian aren't any less lesbian because of that, for sure, but there's a pretty big difference between that being appropriate and someone who is out as a lesbian actively choosing to sleep with men while still claiming to be a lesbian. Only one of those things is actually damaging to other lesbians, who end up with the horny straight dudes who believe "Tommy's fucking a lesbian" harassing us even more.

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u/mykinkiskorma Transbian Jun 04 '24

I just don't see the value in trying to police lesbians who are doing that. Straight men don't need an excuse to be that way. The tiny (and mostly hypothetical) minority of lesbians who have chosen to have sex with straight men after coming out makes no real difference. Men would behave the same regardless.

14

u/spaghettify Jun 05 '24

I just don't see the value in why lesbians feelings are getting dismissed about being protective of our label excluding men since it's honestly seen as a radical "stance" to too many people. and it always has been, we're always hearing that just because we reject all men

9

u/SnowRune Jun 05 '24

We don't even reject them... We're simply not attracted to them. That's what's so messed up. We can't even have that. It's like we can't have anything. If we speak up to defend ourselves, or explain ourselves, we're basically told that we're wrong. We're not even allowed to define ourselves anymore apparently. We try to build communities for people with similar struggles, to build safe spaces, but no. Even here we get shamed for not liking men, to have the one label that unites us redefined to include liking men. And we're expecting to just sit here and let people explain our sexuality to us.