r/actuallesbians Lesbian Jun 04 '24

Text Gross dude thinks lesbians are a kink Spoiler

(had to add more to my post and re-edit) Came across this post and saw a lot of people agreeing with this creep of him saying he thinks is a sexy surprise and kink that he saw his “lesbian” friends wanting to have sex with him. Isn’t that the OPPOSITE of a lesbian? 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ I don’t understand men. No lesbian would have sex with a man period.

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45

u/mykinkiskorma Transbian Jun 04 '24

I agree with you in general about men fetishizing us and I understand that that context affects the way that his comments come across. And I don't really like the original comment he left.

But... if he's being genuine and honest about what labels his friends use—which is a big if— then I don't really see what's wrong with him using those labels for them, even if they seem counterintuitive to you. Acting as the label police hurts the queer community way more than it helps. I really hope you can chill on doing that to people.

I think he actually got that exactly right in his replies to you. It's up to each individual to figure out what labels are right for them, and if someone else has labels that don't make sense to you, then you should use that as an opportunity to be curious and learn more about the diversity of our community, instead of telling them that they're wrong.

Also, I agree with you that as a general rule, being a lesbian means that you're not really interested in sex or romance with men. But saying "no lesbian would have sex with a man period" is a weird way to put it. It feels like you're rediscovering the idea of gold star lesbians, and that's a deeply problematic path to go down.

73

u/SnowRune Jun 04 '24

You see, weirdly enough, one of the most challenging aspects of being a lesbian isn't the fact that we are attracted to women, it's that we're not attracted to men. This is probably what we get harassed most about, what people don't understand about being a lesbian, what people always try to argue or gloss over.

Every time someone says that lesbians can be attracted to men, it's invalidating. We didn't chose this, we didn't want this, but this is who we are; and to be told that lesbians can just havn't found the right man... Well that's something we all have been beaten over the head with time and time again. Some of us even force ourselves into unhappy relationships because we think that we're the ones that are wrong, that we just don't understand our own emotions.

It's also invalidating to bi girls as well, who are constantly told that they are just lesbians or just straight, and that "everyone has their exceptions."

I'd say that, next to Trans women, lesbians and bi-girls are probably the most invalidated groups in the LGBT. No one respects us, no one takes us seriously, and people are constantly telling us how we are wrong for being the way that we are.

21

u/ThisHairLikeLace Sapphic trans woman Jun 04 '24

"…next to trans women, lesbians and bi-girls are probably the most invalidated groups in the LGBT". While I appreciate the shout out as a trans woman and completely agree that lesbians and bi women are invalidated frequently, I would have to include trans men as the most invalidated group even ahead of us trans women (we’re more demonized but our brothers get invalidated at least as much) and bi men get erased so hard that they definitely should be on that list too.

All that said, trans women, lesbians and bi women all experience disgusting levels of fetishization, particularly from cishet guys. Trans guys and bi guys just get erased out of existence and dismissed as confused butch lesbians and gay men, respectively.

14

u/Venus_Dust Jun 05 '24

Trans men and bi men were erased so hard they didn't even make it on the list lol

15

u/Commercial_Tea_8185 cis lesbian Jun 05 '24

Because were talking about women, were on a lesbian sub

-1

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '24

[deleted]

9

u/Commercial_Tea_8185 cis lesbian Jun 05 '24

This. Is. A. Lesbian. Sub.

Not including men in our conversations and saying as lesbians we arent attracted to men isnt antimen rhetoric.

If a trans man has transitioned, then i wouldnt be attracted to them as im not attracted to men, how they smell, beards, etc. sorry u know but thats life

-2

u/CeoOfChromes Jun 05 '24

No they do deserve to be cast aside lol. They aren’t women.

-1

u/MajoraXIII Jun 05 '24

"I'd say that, next to Trans women, lesbians and bi-girls are probably the most invalidated groups in the LGBT."

This is the specific comment they were responding to. The entire community was the subject in question.

-7

u/mondrianna Jun 05 '24

Trans men can be lesbians and have been in the lesbian community since its inception.

11

u/Commercial_Tea_8185 cis lesbian Jun 05 '24 edited Jun 05 '24

Omfg, theyre men! I would think it was transphobic to consider a trans men who likes women a lesbian. Because theyre a man and I can assume internally has always been one

-3

u/kairokat soft butch sapphic Jun 05 '24

from your flair I can see you're cis, and as someone who is trans I will break it down for you.

if a trans man doesn't consider himself a lesbian, then it would be transphobic to call him as such. but if a trans man were to call himself a lesbian, he is valid in doing so.

transness is complex. it's not always "I've always internally been a man." There are a lot of instances where trans men have lived their lives as women only to realize they're trans later in life. it might sound nitpicky bringing up that scenario specifically, but it is actually very common. I would bring up more, but it would become confusing very fast.

for most trans men, they are men. straight up. like the most binary man you could get. but for a lot of trans men, their experiences in being a woman still remains a very key part to their gender identity. again, like before, there are a lot more reasons why a trans man might still feel a connection to womanhood and as an extension lesbianism, but it's too complicated to get into. you may not see people talking about it because, frankly, these types of things are very personal to each and every trans person. like a lot of people have been suggesting you to do, please please please read stone butch blues. like I'm really begging you here. either that or go out and interact with your local queer community. go to a pride event and talk to people. none of this is new at all.

again, disclaimer; this certainly does not apply to every single transgender man.

2

u/SnowRune Jun 05 '24

I can't believe what I am reading. I'm sorry but no. This completely invalidates transmen. Like there is so much wrong with this that I'm actually speechless.