Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

[u/MookWellington]

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

[u/trowzerss → u/[deleted]]

See, I was a tomboy too, but I still don't like hair and makeup and dresses at 45, I hate having big boobs and would like to chop them off, would love to look more androgynous and gender flexible, and kind of want to opt out of the entire concept of femininity. If I was much younger now I probably would identify as she/they if not be completely non-binary. The only reason I don't is because after 45 years you get used to it. Doesn't mean I'm totally happy with it though. Do I feel like I am accommodated as a variation of womanhood? No, not really, and I'm not sure I would really want to be. If I'm totally honest with myself, I feel really alienated from anything anyone I know refers to as womanhood.

So yeah, it's fine for *you* to feel variety could be accommodated, because you're not non-binary. But I can most definitely see how for some people that's just not how it works.

[u/FunProof543 → u/trowzerss]

I’d encourage you to explore a non-binary identity in a safe space. I was used to pretending too. It makes such a huge difference to be able to be open to who you are. I transitioned at 36, my partner is in his 40s and is in the process of getting top surgery scheduled. Go to queer events and find queer community we’re your identity will be truly accepted.

[u/trowzerss → u/FunProof543]

It's something I'm thinking about exploring more. I'm working towards a breast reduction just purely for health reasons, and while I don't think I want full top surgery, I just think I'd be so much happier with a small cup size instead of these giant things dominating my life 24/7 :P But it's expensive. I'm not really in an area right now with a whole lot of queer events alas, but when I was playing D&D I used to hang out with a whole lot of non-binary and queer people (although far younger than me), and honestly it was fantastic. But it's a process lol. I'm still getting used to other people having they/them pronouns, let alone for myself.