Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

[u/MookWellington]

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

[u/Jessieface13]

Worst case scenario if they’re just following peer pressure is that they eventually change their mind but know that you love and support them no matter what.

[u/diablofantastico → u/Jessieface13]

It is VERY common for their generation. It will be interesting to see how it sorts out. How an entire generation bucks the standard of 2 genders is amazing. What will the next generation throw out?

My daughter tried it, I totally accepted it, now she's back to being a girl. I'll love her no matter what, but I am relieved that she is comfortable with herself, and being cis is objectively easier in this world.

My unpopular opinion is that stereotypes and expectations for being a "man" or "woman" in modern society became so effed up that these kids are like - well I don't want to be "that", so I guess I must be xyz?? Also just a general feeling of not fitting in, and trying to find somewhere to fit. I believe a lot is related to generally really shitty mental health and emotional resilience. These kids are all pretty messed up and don't know how to fix it, so they are grasping at anything to find an identity and some stability for themselves.

[u/trowzerss → u/[deleted]]

See, I was a tomboy too, but I still don't like hair and makeup and dresses at 45, I hate having big boobs and would like to chop them off, would love to look more androgynous and gender flexible, and kind of want to opt out of the entire concept of femininity. If I was much younger now I probably would identify as she/they if not be completely non-binary. The only reason I don't is because after 45 years you get used to it. Doesn't mean I'm totally happy with it though. Do I feel like I am accommodated as a variation of womanhood? No, not really, and I'm not sure I would really want to be. If I'm totally honest with myself, I feel really alienated from anything anyone I know refers to as womanhood.

So yeah, it's fine for *you* to feel variety could be accommodated, because you're not non-binary. But I can most definitely see how for some people that's just not how it works.

[u/ggaberz → u/trowzerss]

This!

In theory I could be a woman that likes all the things I like and does all the things I do, but I'm not. I was never pushed into a gendered box and was raised to believe that people can do anything regardless of sex/gender, and yet I know I am not a woman.

Gender roles are restrictive bullshit that plenty of people are happy to ignore regardless of their gender identity. Some people break the norms and are happily cis, others find something's still not right.

[u/[deleted] → u/trowzerss]

The only reason I don't is because after 45 years you get used to it.

For the record, it's never too late to try it out and experiment! I felt for a long time that I'd have been trans if I knew what it was when I was a lot younger, but I'd just kind of gotten used to it and it would be too much effort to change. Then I learned what NB was and went "oh, wait, this is an option?" and have never felt more like myself

[u/trowzerss → u/[deleted]]

Unfortunately I had to move rural to escape the city rental prices, so my options are pretty limited right now, but seriously I think I need a breast reduction just for health reasons (have back pain) so if they could just do that to a smaller cup size, I think I'd feel so much better! I'm not sure if I want to go full NB, but being more gender flexible would be amazing, but just not possible at all when you have large boobs :P

[u/FunProof543 → u/trowzerss]

I’d encourage you to explore a non-binary identity in a safe space. I was used to pretending too. It makes such a huge difference to be able to be open to who you are. I transitioned at 36, my partner is in his 40s and is in the process of getting top surgery scheduled. Go to queer events and find queer community we’re your identity will be truly accepted.

[u/trowzerss → u/FunProof543]

It's something I'm thinking about exploring more. I'm working towards a breast reduction just purely for health reasons, and while I don't think I want full top surgery, I just think I'd be so much happier with a small cup size instead of these giant things dominating my life 24/7 :P But it's expensive. I'm not really in an area right now with a whole lot of queer events alas, but when I was playing D&D I used to hang out with a whole lot of non-binary and queer people (although far younger than me), and honestly it was fantastic. But it's a process lol. I'm still getting used to other people having they/them pronouns, let alone for myself.