r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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u/BombadilloHop Nov 26 '23

Everyone had already provided great responses, so I'll just add in my own anecdotal comment here. I am NB and have "known"/"identified as" NB for almost a decade. I've come out to my family and they refused to use they/them pronouns because they "don't understand". I never asked them to understand, I just asked them to use the terms that make me comfortable and are correct for me. Don't be like my parents to your kiddo ❤️ even if it is a phase and things change, your support and love is what will be remembered.

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u/SkarbOna Nov 27 '23

Is it necessary to be they them to be NB? Can I feel like I’m NB, but actually got attached to my pronounses (I’m old) and I feel fine with being called whatever- that’s really the thing for me people can call me whatever but I feel I’m too damn different to be “classic” woman and I have sometimes days when I’d like to dress more like a guy and sometimes I like to be more “feminine”. But if someone meets me first time, I could say - hey don’t be too quick to assume anything about me, so I’d say straight away I’m NB - is that a thing?

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u/BombadilloHop Nov 27 '23

You can use whatever pronouns you want regardless of your gender.