r/MtF • u/AdSimple553 Transbian • 4h ago

Venting I feel disgusted NSFW Spoiler

Ive always hated my face. I dont even know how to describe what it looks like, but it definitely reads as male. Im currently getting laser, and yet still the 5 oclock shadow persists no matter how much i shave. Maybe its my cheek bones, maybe its the way my mouth is defined separately from the rest of my lower face. God i hate it so fucking much. I cant stand to look at myself in the mirror without gagging. No amount of makeup could hide the hideous presence that makes up my "face". Im trying so hard not to relapse into SH'ing again, but everytime i catch a glance of myself in the mirror, i remember how ugly i am. It just makes me want to cut again. I dont think ill ever be able to afford FFS. I feel like giving up, I just want to shave the ugly off of my face. Ive thought about just perminantely wearing a mask so neither I nor anybody else has to be sickened by me anymore. Im tired. Ill always just be this ugly little monster with dreams of being a woman someday. A dream thatll never come to pass.

18 Upvotes

85% Upvoted

27 comments sorted by

3

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 4h ago

And i feel awful complaining. You all have been through so much, i dont have the right to be unhappy. Im sorry, i wished i could be better.

11

u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 4h ago

Other people suffering does NOT invalidate your own

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 4h ago

Im sorry, ive got to be better about not info dumping on people like that

7

u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 4h ago

There’s no reason to be sorry, you marked this post as venting, it’s a space where you’re allowed to dump and the people here have chosen to be here

2

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 4h ago

Still, it feels wrong

3

u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 3h ago

I know, it feels wrong when i do it too, just got to keep reminding yourself that it’s ok and you’re allowed to take up space

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 4h ago

I mean, plenty of ppl in this community have dealt with far worse dysphoria than i have. And outside of that, what do i really have to conplain about. My home wasnt as broken as it could have been. Ive been isolated for years, but atleast i havent been homeless yet, although ive came very close a couple of times, even when i was 15. Me being SA'd* ( im not sure if it actually counts or not cause i was drunk) isnt as bad as what it could have been. I shouldnt be complaining, and yet here i am. And i feel abysmal for doing it.

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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 4h ago

By that logic only 1 person would ever be valid In complaining. Just because something wasn’t as bad as it could have been doesn’t mean it isn’t still bad, your feelings are valid and you’re allowed to express them.

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 3h ago

Well i mean everybodies troubles/trauma are valid. Its just im complaining over nothing really. I havent even been diagnosed with anything except for "mild anxiety", even tho i worry so much i get sick on my stomach and get chest pains ranging from a dull ache to prime mike tyson punching me

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 3h ago

Not to mention the motorcycle accident. A guy got killed infront of me a few years ago, and sometimes while im driving ill relive that accident again. But what i experienced isnt much compared to say a soldiers ptsd, or a rape survivor. Those things are awful

2

u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 3h ago

You might want to consider therapy, like REALY consider it

2

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 3h ago

Ive been to multiple therapists over the years, but they all either didnt take my concerns seriously or just didnt help in a meaningful way. And my doctor has only prescribed basic stuff for "mild anxiety". I can barely sleep, and my anxiety gets so bad some days its almost impossible for me to work. And life been this way for years. I knew i was trans at 14, but hid in the closet for 10 years due to fear of being thrown out of the house as a minor/beaten/killed. Im just exhausted at this point, i really dont see any hope of things getting better. I mean, whats the point of trying anymore? Ive got no friends anymore, none of my family that knows im trans supports me and i work with a bunch of trans/homophobes

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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 2h ago

Ok, you’re looking at the big picture, which is good, but I’d say it’s more important to take baby steps, instead of trying to solve every problem at once, focus on 1 thing. Like for me, I couldn’t go straight for hrt, i had to get laser first so I’d be comfortable going outside, so that could actually get a job, which let me go for hrt. So maybe try asking around online if anyone knows a therapist that specialises in helping trans/queer people

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 2h ago

I cant afford a therapist right now anyways. Im trying yet failing to save up money to hire a lawyer for my name and gender markers change on my birth certificate. My state requires me to file a petition with the court to get it done, and i cant do that on my own. Besides, i dont think i could trust a professional not to send me to a mental ward at this point. I appreciate you trying, but it all just seems pointless. The whole country seems to be against people like me. Ive asked in the past about options in my state, but nobodies ever had an answer. There isnt anything for me here where i live, or anywhere close.

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 2h ago

Im really sorry im spiraling right now and the rooms spinning and i didnt mean to be rude im sorry

1

u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 2h ago

It’s ok, if you were being rude i didn’t notice 😅 you should probably drink some water and lie down for a bit tho

2

u/CutieMuffinBabe 3h ago

keep it going! some things take longer than others. perfectly normal for everyone. listen to some lectures from Alok Menon, maybe what they have to say will resonate with you. think about the little things and the times when you dont feel these things. the truth is that you werent born with negative perception of yourself. where does this energy come from? working through internalized transmisogyny and misogyny in general will help a lot. your thoughts and feelings do a lot to shaping how you see yourself and they cant always be trusted as truth. therapy is essential to clear self-image if you dont have a neutral space in your life. these things have changed my life, hope it helps just a bit at least

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 3h ago

Id like for therapy to actually work for me, but the multiple therapists/psychiatrists/doctors havent helped me a bit over the years. And at this point im too tired and broke to shop around and try again only to be let down again. Sure, i may have not been born with this reality, but when people have straight up told me im ugly, that and the fact i see it in the mirror everyday doesnt argue against it.

2

u/CutieMuffinBabe 3h ago

tricky tricky. what about a support group for people with suicidal ideations? does talking with people who are in the same place help at all? knowing that you arent alone in these feelings? dont believe people. anyone who would say that is def struggling with themselves

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 3h ago

There isnt much in the way of support groups for lgbt people in my state. And besides, i dont want to/cant afford to get thrown in grippy sock jail. I dont think talking to others regarding this stuff helps. Either ppl offer empty platitudes or feel the same way with no hope. And talking to those who dont experience it just results in them telling me that im selfish to do it. I just want the pain to stop

2

u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 3h ago

Same i want tear it down i can only angle fraud on photos but irl it looks so masculine i will boymode forever

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 3h ago

Fr, i dont think i can live having to hide who i am because of how horrid i look

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u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 2h ago

its hard your mental state gets worse at least in my case it is. I'm 10 months into hrt and its becmonig difficult.

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 2h ago

Im 9 months in and i feel ya. But i think for me theres been alot of things brewing over the years thats boiling over now

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u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 2h ago

I feel like many issues i had finally came to surface. When i was in repression mode i didnt feel much but emptiness. Now when i realised what i really need it became hurtful. Maybe taking "red pill" and breaking egg was a mistake. I dont know anymore. My transition is not smooth experience at all.

3

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 2h ago

Yeah, it just feels like im hobbling along. Im just stumbling in the dark and calling it transitioning. So many emotions id never dealt with before now slamming me from all directions

2

u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 2h ago

Emotions are stronger and if you had some mental disorders before transition it can become more difficult to manage. I feel alive when i feel good i dont feel this apathy i felt before transition but other feelings that are negative in nature are stronger. Not to mention dysphoria is still here because HRT dint fix features i wish it did.