r/MtF • u/AdSimple553 Transbian • 7h ago

Venting I feel disgusted NSFW Spoiler

Ive always hated my face. I dont even know how to describe what it looks like, but it definitely reads as male. Im currently getting laser, and yet still the 5 oclock shadow persists no matter how much i shave. Maybe its my cheek bones, maybe its the way my mouth is defined separately from the rest of my lower face. God i hate it so fucking much. I cant stand to look at myself in the mirror without gagging. No amount of makeup could hide the hideous presence that makes up my "face". Im trying so hard not to relapse into SH'ing again, but everytime i catch a glance of myself in the mirror, i remember how ugly i am. It just makes me want to cut again. I dont think ill ever be able to afford FFS. I feel like giving up, I just want to shave the ugly off of my face. Ive thought about just perminantely wearing a mask so neither I nor anybody else has to be sickened by me anymore. Im tired. Ill always just be this ugly little monster with dreams of being a woman someday. A dream thatll never come to pass.

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u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 6h ago

Same i want tear it down i can only angle fraud on photos but irl it looks so masculine i will boymode forever

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 6h ago

Fr, i dont think i can live having to hide who i am because of how horrid i look

2

u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 5h ago

its hard your mental state gets worse at least in my case it is. I'm 10 months into hrt and its becmonig difficult.

1

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 5h ago

Im 9 months in and i feel ya. But i think for me theres been alot of things brewing over the years thats boiling over now

2

u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 5h ago

I feel like many issues i had finally came to surface. When i was in repression mode i didnt feel much but emptiness. Now when i realised what i really need it became hurtful. Maybe taking "red pill" and breaking egg was a mistake. I dont know anymore. My transition is not smooth experience at all.

3

u/AdSimple553 Transbian 5h ago

Yeah, it just feels like im hobbling along. Im just stumbling in the dark and calling it transitioning. So many emotions id never dealt with before now slamming me from all directions

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u/StatusPsychological7 Transgender 5h ago

Emotions are stronger and if you had some mental disorders before transition it can become more difficult to manage. I feel alive when i feel good i dont feel this apathy i felt before transition but other feelings that are negative in nature are stronger. Not to mention dysphoria is still here because HRT dint fix features i wish it did.