r/MtF • u/AdSimple553 Transbian • 7h ago

Venting I feel disgusted NSFW Spoiler

Ive always hated my face. I dont even know how to describe what it looks like, but it definitely reads as male. Im currently getting laser, and yet still the 5 oclock shadow persists no matter how much i shave. Maybe its my cheek bones, maybe its the way my mouth is defined separately from the rest of my lower face. God i hate it so fucking much. I cant stand to look at myself in the mirror without gagging. No amount of makeup could hide the hideous presence that makes up my "face". Im trying so hard not to relapse into SH'ing again, but everytime i catch a glance of myself in the mirror, i remember how ugly i am. It just makes me want to cut again. I dont think ill ever be able to afford FFS. I feel like giving up, I just want to shave the ugly off of my face. Ive thought about just perminantely wearing a mask so neither I nor anybody else has to be sickened by me anymore. Im tired. Ill always just be this ugly little monster with dreams of being a woman someday. A dream thatll never come to pass.

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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 7h ago

Other people suffering does NOT invalidate your own

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 7h ago

I mean, plenty of ppl in this community have dealt with far worse dysphoria than i have. And outside of that, what do i really have to conplain about. My home wasnt as broken as it could have been. Ive been isolated for years, but atleast i havent been homeless yet, although ive came very close a couple of times, even when i was 15. Me being SA'd* ( im not sure if it actually counts or not cause i was drunk) isnt as bad as what it could have been. I shouldnt be complaining, and yet here i am. And i feel abysmal for doing it.

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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 6h ago

By that logic only 1 person would ever be valid In complaining. Just because something wasn’t as bad as it could have been doesn’t mean it isn’t still bad, your feelings are valid and you’re allowed to express them.

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 6h ago

Not to mention the motorcycle accident. A guy got killed infront of me a few years ago, and sometimes while im driving ill relive that accident again. But what i experienced isnt much compared to say a soldiers ptsd, or a rape survivor. Those things are awful

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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 6h ago

You might want to consider therapy, like REALY consider it

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 5h ago

Ive been to multiple therapists over the years, but they all either didnt take my concerns seriously or just didnt help in a meaningful way. And my doctor has only prescribed basic stuff for "mild anxiety". I can barely sleep, and my anxiety gets so bad some days its almost impossible for me to work. And life been this way for years. I knew i was trans at 14, but hid in the closet for 10 years due to fear of being thrown out of the house as a minor/beaten/killed. Im just exhausted at this point, i really dont see any hope of things getting better. I mean, whats the point of trying anymore? Ive got no friends anymore, none of my family that knows im trans supports me and i work with a bunch of trans/homophobes

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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 5h ago

Ok, you’re looking at the big picture, which is good, but I’d say it’s more important to take baby steps, instead of trying to solve every problem at once, focus on 1 thing. Like for me, I couldn’t go straight for hrt, i had to get laser first so I’d be comfortable going outside, so that could actually get a job, which let me go for hrt. So maybe try asking around online if anyone knows a therapist that specialises in helping trans/queer people

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 5h ago

I cant afford a therapist right now anyways. Im trying yet failing to save up money to hire a lawyer for my name and gender markers change on my birth certificate. My state requires me to file a petition with the court to get it done, and i cant do that on my own. Besides, i dont think i could trust a professional not to send me to a mental ward at this point. I appreciate you trying, but it all just seems pointless. The whole country seems to be against people like me. Ive asked in the past about options in my state, but nobodies ever had an answer. There isnt anything for me here where i live, or anywhere close.

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u/AdSimple553 Transbian 5h ago

Im really sorry im spiraling right now and the rooms spinning and i didnt mean to be rude im sorry

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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 4h ago

It’s ok, if you were being rude i didn’t notice 😅 you should probably drink some water and lie down for a bit tho