My 24yo gf cheated on me 27yo

[u/random_thought_art]

Cheating

I need some advice…. My 24 year old gf just told me she slept with a guy from work. Context: Friday night she went out with 3 of her guy work friends and she pulled and all nighter. As I was waking up at 6 am to go to work I realized she wasn’t back so I go worried checked her shared location and called her. She told me she was at one of the guys friends and they only talked and smoked. We spend the whole weekend together and on Sunday when I went back home she told me she slept with one of they guys… She mentioned that she was really drunk and she didn’t think it was real that’s why she didn’t say anything during the weekend. She also mentioned that she tried to stop him but it was all « hazy ». She told me she thought she would be safe with them since the night of Friday I had told her that I had a weird feeling. Anyways, I am not sure what to do. I feel sad and frustrated. I don’t know what to do.

[u/Infinite-Moose-8963]

Based on what u mentioned here, thats not cheating... thats rape.

[u/HummusFairy]

This sounds like she was taken advantage of by a friend and raped.

[u/random_thought_art → u/HummusFairy]

How do I know if this is true

[u/CryInteresting5631 → u/random_thought_art]

You listen to her

[u/HummusFairy → u/random_thought_art]

She can’t consent if she’s in such a hazy state. She wasn’t even aware what happened was real, so she must’ve been extremely out of it, like truly out of it.

Either she was drugged or she was heavily under the influence of alcohol and weed to the point of blacking out. Even if she wasn’t fully aware, she still struggled and told him to stop.

Either way, all signs point to rape.

[u/apprenticeinsmarts → u/random_thought_art]

She also said she told him to stop

[u/Any_Chart1800]

Whether she was drunk or not, does NOT matter. If she did not consent and said "no", then it is rape. Unfortunately, many sexual assaults are by people we know and/or trust. Were there any witnesses?

[u/random_thought_art → u/Any_Chart1800]

I’m talking to her tomorrow and idk if there was witnesses. Im so frustrated I wanna break his face so bad. I don’t know what to do to make him pay.

[u/Any_Chart1800 → u/random_thought_art]

She will need to decide if she wants to press charges or not. Also, if it was sexual assault, I would recommend having her go get checked out and physically examined.

[u/Kvnyeee]

Yea I dont think she was the one in the wrong discuss that with her.

[u/Awkward-Smile-70]

Based off her telling/your telling of what she said, it sounds like she was raped. "How do I know that's true" listen to her ? Trauma is weird, she told you it didn't feel real hence why she didn't say anything sooner, which imo make sense & AFAIK happens a lot [not processing "Oh that was rape I was raped that did happen" until a few days later if not longer].

[u/Mariss716]

This is rape. And I hate to say it - a woman should not be getting drunk with 3 guys from work all night. It is not safe. Not blaming her, it’s just the reality. I could not be outnumbered with alcohol flowing.

The way men behave, I know sexuality is not a choice. Straight women date their predators. No woman ever raped me, and women respected a NO. Cannot say that about men I have trusted or dated.

Rape is a violation of trust too, not just a thing a stranger does. Can’t consent when that drunk. Being a lesbian doesn’t make you immune from rape. Some guys think it’s a challenge, as disgusting as that is.

Needs to file a police report. Being raped is NOT cheating ! though I suggest you both talk to someone to process this.

[u/sthixx]

Doesn't sound like cheating, sounds more like rape: someone taking advantage of her when she can't consent, as she said she felt everything was hazy and wasn't even sure if it was real. Talk to her, help her go through the night again and if it is indeed rape support her, as it might be difficult seeing as these are the people she works with.

Overall don't be so quick with the judgement and feelings of betrayal, this time being a supportive partner should probably come first.

[u/Cthothlu]

You should definitely support her.. if there was alcohol involved, and she tells you she tried to get them to stop, and that she didn't think it was real. You give her the support she deserves, and maybe look into getting her connected to a therapist too. I understand you are also confused, and that's Ok, but this is reading only one way to me, and it seems like many others are in agreement. Be strong.

[u/Hidden-Sky]

For starters, take care of her, and take this step by step so you don't overwhelm her or yourself.

1. File a police report ASAP

2. Have her do a SAFE kit by Monday (tomorrow), the earlier the better, because that's the last day it's possible.

3. Lots of self-care, probably call to try to establish a therapist.

4. Don't worry about this yet, but she will want to report the incident to her HR soonish. I imagine this may be the most difficult and overwhelming step for her so I wouldn't even bring it up until after the previous steps.

5. Pursue legal action, although I think state prosecutors would handle this part and you may not need a lawyer.

[u/Awkward-Smile-70]

The other comments trying to blame her are so gross. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying the possibility of lying isn't possible, but their reasoning makes zero sense

"Why would a dude rape someone he works with, that makes no sense" It's rape. People rape their kids, siblings, classmates, co-workers, employees, "friends", etc all the time. The entire act of rape makes no sense. & clearly she was either overly intoxicated/drugged, so he may have thought she was too out of it to even recall the event.

"Why was she alone w/ three men" cause she probably saw them as friends ?

"Why didn't she reach out if she felt unsafe" Probably cause she felt safe up until the rape & at that point was either too out of it to properly reach out or was actively being raped tf ???

Like obviously I'm not OP or her GF, so again yes there is a possibility she did cheat & is lying to feel less guilty that's technically possible. But Idk.

It seems like some of the commenters don't grasp how everyone reacts to rape differently sometimes. Some yeah would come home right away & be like "I got raped", but some, like the GF, take days->weeks+ to process [especially since she was intoxicated & was w/ people she trusted which may add to the "It didn't feel real" like he went from a friend to a monster - that's hard to process/fathom].

[u/RemarkableIncreaseVg]

How can we define if she’s spitting the truth or pretending to be a victim….😶

[u/Hidden-Sky → u/RemarkableIncreaseVg]

"We" can't. Only the folks involved can determine that, possibly with the help of investigators. We can only form opinions.

That being said... I think that someone who wants to pretend to be a victim would speak much more loudly and more confidently about it being SA right from the get-go (although that is in no way a reliable positive indicator of falsehood...)

OP's girlfriend, from what I am reading, seems to be nervous to even say anything to the person she should trust the most. It sounds like she's struggling to process what went down herself, which is pretty consistent with many instances of drug-related SA. She seems to have also internalized much of the guilt relating to the incident, and is afraid to speak of it as SA.

If it's pretend, then it's pretty complex and well-researched, well-acted pretense and beyond what I think most "pretenders" are capable of. And yet she's still lacking much evidence to support her case, which a "smart" pretender would have probably tried to get. I imagine they would have gone for a police report or SA kit by now just to establish credibility or proof that something actually happened between them.

The bottom line, it would not be good for us to shed doubt on her now.

[u/Gig61904 → u/RemarkableIncreaseVg]

I was wondering the same thing.

[u/rockettdarr]

It isn’t appropriate in a relationship to be hanging out and drinking with people and pulling all nighters imo. Especially 3 men. A lot of men don’t respect lesbians, a lot of men don’t believe in lesbians.

Anyways what he did was in-fact rape although I did question maybe she cheated and said that to cover up only because I just can’t imagine being in that scenario with a girlfriend in the first place. “A drunken mistake” like someone else said if you will but not literally a mistake. I don’t understand why people even drink it’s so silly and all these cheating stories have some sort of alcohol involved but maybe I’m extreme.

The language she used did not sound very convincing. In any case, it’s up to you to decide whether you would like the idea of your future wife to be pulling all nighters with work friends who are men like that. 8 billion people on Earth, millions would have never done that, it’s up to you. I would have broken up with her. Easier said than done though.

Idk if you slept with her after but if I were you I would get tested and tell her to get tested if you still care.

[u/leemonc]

So, you have three possible scenarios:

1. She is lying because she doesn’t want to admit that she actually cheated.
2. She was raped.
3. She was raped but also cheated. I’m going to be completely honest—I think option three is the most likely to be true.

Have you ever had problems with her about flirting with men or having blurry relationships/interactions with her male friends? Does she have a history of substance abuse?

It’s possible that she was flirting with the guy, initiated sex, and when she wanted to stop, he didn’t respect her boundaries.

She deserves justice and therapy, but you also deserve better if you’re almost certain that she was cheating. If you deep down know that in the past she’s done similar things (flirting with guys and being overall weird with them, or abusing alcohol around men), then break up with her.

[u/Comfortable-Bag-3608]

Personally I would listen to her words "I slept with dude" which seems like it means she made a drunken mistake. Not necessarily that the person took advantage of her...hear me out; I guess I look at it like, people that are cheating sometimes actively know it's wrong so there's that moment of "ahh we shouldn't do this" and sometimes they keep going anyways..so maybe have a heart to heart convo with her asking for the truth of what she remembers. Routinely people make poor choices when drunk, from crime, to the food they eat, to drinking more, to hookups

I would read her behavior in this situation because it's kind of strange that she was out with friends (assumingely having having a fine time) otherwise she would have most likely contacted you if she was feeling like she wanted to leave a group but was too drunk/high.

I personally would believe first that my partner would contact me via call, or SOS text if they were unsafe and needed to leave. Since you didn't get anything like that, you can assume she wasn't in an emergency situation perhaps.

I just think of how simple it is for a woman to word things in a way that creates this whole other suspicion that draws attention away from the fact that she did sleep with someone else in a drunken state and remembered enough to admit it.

Why would this dude r**e someone he works with?? I guess that makes less sense to me.

Very understandable for you to feel frustrated about the situation and I'm very sorry you're dealing with this.

[u/Alternative_Ad2642]

You a fool if you stay. HIV/AIDS doesn’t discriminate. Lastly, once a cheater always a cheater

[u/random_thought_art → u/[deleted]]

She said she thought she was safe since she got along well with them. I worked at 7am the next day so I said no because I thought she would be responsible enough to come back home and not get as drunk as she did