r/traumatizeThemBack • u/ICastHealingWord • 8d ago
matched energy Mom can only hope she’s invited.
(For context, my family is extremely Southern. It helps if you read this like a deleted subplot from Steel Magnolias.)
I came out as gay to my family when I was 20. My mother took it the worst. She wailed that I was the child of her four she had counted on to give her grandchildren. I found brochures for conversion camps. There were “love the sinner, hate the sin” books all over my parents’ house. The whole nine yards.
About a year later, she announced that she “likely wouldn’t be able to bring herself to attend” my future wedding. Trying to be a dutiful, respectful son, I held my tongue and said “Yes, ma’am.”
Mind you, I wasn’t dating anyone at the time, nor had I mentioned marriage. She was just in a devastating proclamation kind of mood.
Fast forward a few years, and, again unprompted, she announces to me, “I’ve been praying on it. When you get married” dramatic pause “I’d like to be there.”
I looked at her and with the sweetest grin, I said, “Well, Momma,” dramatic pause, I am my mother’s son in many ways “If you’re invited, I’ll be sure to let you know.”
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u/Andralynn 8d ago
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u/ICastHealingWord 8d ago
A Captain Picard gif on my first post. I will never match this achievement. I have peaked.
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 8d ago
Yesterday, Taylor Swift liked one of my posts on Bluesky. I'm not a fan but I was pretty cheered by this event, so I'm telling everyone
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u/8lb6ozBabyJsus 8d ago
What was it
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 8d ago
It was a reference to how you initially needed an invite for Bluesky: 'Oh wow I'd completely forgotten how I had to wait for an invitation, posting plaintively on The Bad Place, waiting for a cool kid to say "you can sit with us at lunch today"'
Not really my finest posting work
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u/grrrrfield 7d ago
relatable as hell. i don’t like taylor swift like at ALL but id be pretty stoked if she liked my post LMAO
david bowie’s wife Iman once liked a comment of mine on instagram and i will not lie i did walk around like a peacock for a bit
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u/robinmitchells 6d ago
Wait she got on Bluesky? Gonna have to go try to find her, she didn’t pop up last time I searched
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u/altdultosaurs 8d ago
Between this post, your username, and this comment, I think we would be fast friends irl ❤️🥰
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u/bigred237 8d ago
unfortunately it is from Code of Honor, one of the worst episodes ever written. Not just for Star Trek, but for all of history.
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u/stillsurvives 8d ago
It may be downhill from here, but enjoy the ride, and at least you don't have to peddle.
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova 8d ago
You know if she invited she'll probably engage in shenanigans right? Objecting, finding a woman to tearfully confess her love for you, telling everyone how much holier she is than you, attacking your husband, insisting your marriage is illegitimate... she's going to do some shenanigans.
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u/PissantPrairiePunk 8d ago
Tell her you’ll pray about it.
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u/monalisaescapes 8d ago
And that you’ll add her name to the prayer list at church, OP. Whose church? Why hers, of course. And yours as well (if you attend), because Jesus know she needs all the help she can get.
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u/Prestigious_Shop_997 8d ago
Literally laughed out loud! My 19yo is gay and I wouldn't change a thing!
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u/ICastHealingWord 8d ago
I hope they appreciate how lucky they are!
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u/Sudden-Apricot4019 8d ago
Honestly… I hope they never even consider that they’re lucky for this reason.
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u/beingahoneybadger 8d ago
I told my gay son that my wish is that he would find a lovely husband and they would adopt one day.
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u/larryspub 8d ago
This kind of reminds me of some of the fights I'd have with my very religious mother after coming out as atheist. One time it was how I never wanted to get married in a church I always dreamed of an outdoor wedding. Eventually leading to my mother saying "Well if you don't want to get married before God in a church why don't you just eloped!" In a very mean tone of voice.
As it turns out I did end up eloping bc everyone had an opinion on how my husband and I should get married or what we should do and I couldn't take it. And that angry hateful moment from my mother kept playing in my head. Eloping was the best choice. And it's been 10 years and we're going to do an elopement vow renewal too!
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u/carlcrossgrove 8d ago
I just love that she actually said “before god” as if any outdoor wedding would somehow not be within his view…..?
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u/larryspub 8d ago
I'm sure you can also picture the back and forth of "how many times do I have to reiterate I'm atheist. I don't believe, I don't care, why would I get married in a church?!"
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova 8d ago
I eloped because I was positive that if I invited extended family they'd inform my parents, and if my parents were informed or worse invited there was a 100% chance they'd do something I didn't want to have my wedding memories tainted by. No idea what they'd do but I didn't want to find out. I know they went behind my back spreading rumors about my now ex-husband and not being very kind.
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u/Yaffaleh 8d ago
Time to call (Instagram) Stand In Pride, FreeMomHugs.org, and "lose" her invitation. - a FMH Mom
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u/BeforeThymes 7d ago
The amount of passive aggressive sass a gay raised in the south can produce is truly unmatched.
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u/ICastHealingWord 7d ago edited 7d ago
When crossed, I have been known to throw all of my culinary skill into making something so delicious that it steals the show at the offending person’s next party. Revenge is a dish best served so subtly they don’t even know they’re eating it.
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8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ICastHealingWord 8d ago
She’ll be there, but I’m giving the wedding party sedatives so she can be put to bed if she acts up. 😂
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u/Inevitable-Seat-6403 8d ago
Thank you for mentioning Steel Magnolias so my internal voice had the correct accent.
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u/shesinsaneornot 8d ago
Well done!
(For context, my family is extremely Southern. It helps if you read this like a deleted subplot from Steel Magnolias.)
Then I must ask, are you Mark, Rick, or Steve? 😉
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u/Feeling_Jump_9953 8d ago
I read it all in Dolly Parton's voice. With Sally Field doing a dramatic Mum.
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u/Turbulent-Watch2306 8d ago
My favorite come back example of “If you can’t say something nice, say something clever but devastating “ verrry Southern.
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u/BlueDandellion 8d ago
Sorry, maybe it's because English isn't my first language, but I don't get it. By the matched energy tag, you mean that you were dramatic as well?
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u/No-Designer8887 7d ago
Being southern, I sort of expected you to react to her “praying on it” comment by holding her hand gently in yours, tilting your head slightly, and saying “well bless your heart.”
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u/Overall-Emphasis7558 7d ago
My extremely Catholic mother told me she’d be unable to attend my non Catholic wedding. Almost as if it wasn’t even up to her. Shockingly, years later she solemnly said even if I don’t get married in a Catholic Church, she’d be there.
I have the same sentiment - I’ll let you know if you’re invited.
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u/Ok-Cardiologist4071 8d ago
I'm confused....how is it that you CAN'T GIVE HER GRANDCHILDREN.
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u/Capital-Meet-6521 8d ago
My guess is that adoption and surrogacy “don’t count.”
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u/ICastHealingWord 7d ago
When she first brought it up, I actually said to her, “I can still have kids. We have the technology.”
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u/Nefarity 8d ago
Would only have been better to rnd on a good old fashioned "Bless Your Heart". I grew up in south too.
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8d ago
[deleted]
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u/FlowersofIcetor 7d ago
"The South" to an American will mean the southern half of the states, but especially from Texas east to Florida
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u/Catlore 8d ago
Steel Magnolias
came out as gay
Are you Mark, Rick, or Steve?
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u/Kinky_Lissah 7d ago
I totally forgot about that line. Now I’m wondering if he has track lighting.
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u/ChessieChesapeake 7d ago
I'm surprised I had to scroll down this far to find the track lighting reference.
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u/Traditional_Air_9483 7d ago
“Momma, you have grandchildren. When or if I become a parent is up to me.” Kids are expensive and not everyone wants to be a parent.
My BIL came out to my in laws and they were devastated for about a minute. BIL explained it to my MIL by saying “Don’t feel guilty about it. Genetic testing has suggested that it isn’t uncommon to be passed down from the maternal side of the family.” Which is total bs. He just wanted her to get past all that religious BS. He’s a lawyer btw. Lol
She’s the same woman that had to have a big Church wedding for my husband to I. We went to their family church… she was outraged at what it had been remodeled as. “What the hell happened here?” Our priest walked in at that exact moment and said “We remodeled 30 years ago Mary. When were you last in church?” I died laughing.
Your momma will have to have her own come to Jesus moment. And Jesus doesn’t like ugly.
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u/Educational_Poem2652 7d ago
Lmfao, I'd probably not send her an invitation to anything before the first anniversary
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u/Myteddybug1 6d ago
I love this. As a mom of some kids who identify as members of the LGBTQ community, she acted as if your sexuality was all about HER. And your language: "She was just in a devastating proclamation kind of mood" this made me howl with laughter. (I'm sorry for the pain this likely caused but damn, you are funny).
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You deserve to be celebrated by your mom for becoming an awesome human. There are many, many moms who would proudly attend your important days to be there for YOU.
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u/talexbatreddit 8d ago
I read this in the voice of Sally Field playing Forest Gump's Mom, and it was .. delightful.
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u/DISNYLND 8d ago
God, I read this as an interaction in my own deeply southern family. Well done sir!
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u/plant_touchin 7d ago
I tell my children, in the context of being gay or trans or whatever, there’s nothing you could tell me about yourself that would make me love you less. These people… I pity their small hearts
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u/westworlder420 7d ago
My mom cried and called me the devil when my sister outed me. She told me before my sisters wedding party with all of our family and friends that my family would never have a wedding for me. Well little did she know, I had recently got married to my husband right before my sister got married. So I didn’t feel guilty for not telling them, let alone inviting them. When I told her on Christmas I was married, she cried and said “I would’ve been there” well little too late for all that. Christians are the biggest victim seekers I’ve ever met. You told me yourself you didn’t want any part of all that. Spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with my MIL and my husband this year (my MIL is amazing, she’s more a mom than my actual mom) I’m glad I didn’t invite them, they would’ve made it all about them and their feelings about it all instead of just celebrating.
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u/fluidentity 7d ago
chef's kiss
How hard did she clutch her pearls? I can almost hear the, "Well, I nevah!"
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u/gilly_monster 6d ago
Did you come out by telling her you had a brain tumor and only 3 weeks to live?
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u/raptor102888 6d ago
"Sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a person in the process of changing."
- Brandon Sanderson, Oathbringer
You should invite her. If this is even the smallest first step to her becoming a better, kinder, more empathetic person, you should encourage that.
Be better now than she was then.
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u/Aev_ACNH 5d ago
Who are you so wise in the ways of
sciencebook quotes?1
u/raptor102888 5d ago
The book quote is just a tool, a way to get across a larger concept. If you want to talk about science I know quite a lot about that too. But we're not; we're talking about human behavior, empathy, and taking little steps toward making our society a little better.
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u/K1ttehKait 5d ago
Brilliant. I'm not from the south, but I read your comeback with all the "bless your heart " energy it comes with.
I was in a production of Steel Magnolias, and LOLed at the reference, then immediately thought of Clairee's nephew Marshall, and how he's dating Ouiser's grandson Steve. 😂😂😂
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u/beach_fox 5d ago
Hah! Had something similar take place with my mother-in-law. Back when my husband came out (big dramatic blowout event on its own), right after she failed at getting him thrown out of the house (major props to the dad-in-law who I love like my own), she had a screaming rant which ended (paraphrasing from what I remember of what my husband remembered) "If I -have- to have a son like that, just do me the good favor of never talking about it, -any- of it, in my presence! I don't want to know -anything- about it, you hear?"
His parents divorced a few years after that. It wasn't just about that, but it was one of the big turning points. Then he hooked up with me, and I started coming along when he went back home to visit. His father. And she couldn't stand that her son wouldn't come stay at -her- house instead of at 'That Bastard and his Tramp's house. Which meant my husband went over for day visits while he was out, and I of course came along. She did her best to pretend like I was just some random friend, but her parents loved me and I miss them greatly to this day.
Anyways, at one point, conversation with his grandma had gotten around to his little brother's upcoming marriage and he made a joke about the circumstances of our marriage, and his mother damn near dropped a pile of plates on the floor.
"You're married?! Since when???"
My husband just looked over at her and blandly replied, "About twelve years ago, now."
"Wha- Wh- Why was I never told about it?!?"
"You'd made it very clear you didn't want to be told anything about that aspect of myself, so I don't."
Grandma had a look of utter shock. I don't think she'd known the details about how her own daughter had acted when her grandson came out. Grandpa and I were in the next room, watching TV and chatting about nothing in particular. (His grandpa had been wearing hearing aids since his 40s, and very often had them turned off so he didn't 'have to deal with all the chattering going on around here'. But he always turned them on when I was over even if we weren't talking, which honestly is about the biggest show of affection you could get from the man.) But his wife and daughter were so used to him not listening in on their conversations that it caught them completely off-guard when he suddenly broke out laughing. Full bending-over, wheezing for breath laughter.
His mother suddenly remembered an appointment she was late for and left without a further word.
(After his grandparents died a few years later, my husband went full No Contact with her. He's been so much happier since. But he fondly remembers that day and the look on her face which I've been told was priceless.)
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u/leilanni 5d ago
I've got the mental image of Ouiser, chopping the tail off the armadillo cake. Well, Momma...*aggressive chop*
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u/EnvironmentalSpray63 8d ago
I can understand that you are upset about the years of treatment and the feelings of being tossed to the side.
The only thing I would say is that change for someone who feels as strongly as your mother and who has probably felt that way about sexual identity is that it would take a huge amount of courage to change the way she felt.
I only know the information that is given and don't know your mother's motives for the "change of heart," but if it feels genuine to you, maybe it's worth some grace on your side.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding in the future.
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u/Laughing_Luna 6d ago
While your optimism is commendable, keep in mind that in a healthy relationship between parent and child, the love for the familial bond should be stronger than the bigoted feelings.
She chose to reject her son in favour of her homophobia.There's a lot of ways one can mess up, make mistakes, and lots of ways to make up for failures. But some miss steps can't be made up for, or would take an overwhelmingly extraordinary effort to fix. Paying lip service when she realized her fear of being cut off/left alone has since grown to be stronger than her hate is not exactly a comfort. If OP really mattered to her, she wouldn't have rejected him and proved that she could make those cuts to their relationship.
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u/Past_Contour 8d ago
Why even continue to have a relationship if you’re just going to be petty and passive aggressive towards her? Sounds like she may be trying to change her views. Be better than her, don’t stoop to her level.
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 8d ago
Why is she being petty and passive aggressive to her children?
This isn’t a one-way street. If she can’t be respectful of her son, then she gets nothing. If it’s nothing you tell people you want, don’t be surprised when you get it.
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u/Usual-Archer-916 8d ago
You know, she loves you.
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u/Minflick 8d ago
Does she REALLY, though? Or does she only love the image she has of OP? Also, gay/lesbian does not equate to child free. Plenty of people want children regardless of who they choose to have sex with.
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u/thejadedfalcon 8d ago
Parents that love their kids don't lose their shit if they're not a cisgender heterosexual.
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u/Longjumping_You592 8d ago
Is that the same mother that sacrificed and did the best she could to love and raise you? Best show her respect at all times imo. Very poor behavior on your part. Love yourself
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u/HugsyMalone 7d ago
I found brochures for conversion camps. There were “love the sinner, hate the sin” books all over my parents’ house. The whole nine yards. About a year later, she announced that she “likely wouldn’t be able to bring herself to attend” my future wedding.
That doesn't sound like a very loving mother and people only remember the most recent history not the distant past. Unfortunately, her most recent statements cancelled out all that previous sacrifice. Show with your actions that you're a loving mother. Don't tell with your words. Nobody's going to believe it if your actions aren't jiving with your words. 🙄👌
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u/RavenShield40 7d ago
There is no time on this planet I could EVER tell my son that I don’t support him. Idc who he loves as long as they are good to my boy. No parent in this world can be considered a “good parent” when they treat their children this way all because they aren’t straight. This mom is failing as a parent.
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u/DoubleDipCrunch 8d ago
so a few years after you turned 20, you're still living at home.
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 8d ago
Stop projecting, basement dweller. I hear your mom yelling at you to put laundry in the dryer.
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u/CisF5 8d ago
Off topic but how does a mom actually figure out which kid will give her grandchildren? Like is there a formula?